I’ll admit that I’m a little surprised, if not disappointed, that the internet hasn’t yet birthed a Broad City/Star Wars crossover GIF of my our hopes and dreams. It seems so obvious that it should’ve already happened, but it hasn’t, so here were are. Either people just hate the prequel trilogy that much, or other people have better things to do with their lunch breaks than combines all the things they love (like flamboyant homosexuality, cultural objects of undue derision, and puns) into a single GIF that positively screams“I HAVE NO LIFE!” “YAS QUEEN…AMIDALAAA!”
Whatever the case, I’m glad I made this GIF for you and the queen in your life who loves their swishiness shrill and their galaxies far, far away. After all, “If you see a hole, fill it” are words I try to blog by, as well as the house rule at Jabba the Slutt’s Palace.
You might think that Pokemon has no business being on a blog that’s so limp wristed it’s a wonder it ever gets written, and you’d be right! Much like a last lingering feint of heterosexuality, I haven’t touched the stuff since high school, but apropos of Pokemon’s 20th anniversary (not that I’d know) (jk; I’d totally know), let’s please take a moment to revel in the fact that Pokemon Live was touring theatrical musical experience that actually existed (!), and Andrew Rannells (!!!) was in it (!!!!!).
Yes, I’m talking the Andrew Rannells, he of the enviably perpetual babyface, my 2nd favorite of the Broadway Hedwigs (behind John Cameron Mitchell, of course), and one third of my new favorite celebrity dream thruple Andrew Rannells and Corey Stoll on Girls and Please Don’t Forget Me, or RannellStollME, for short. In case you don’t believe me, here’s his hottest moment from the commercial in GIF form, where he plays James:
I haven’t the slightest context for any of this, but who cares? And more importantly: why in the world am I not watching Game of Thrones? Not only is Game of Thrones hard fantasy storytelling with crossover appeal, but it’s got Peter Dinklage bitch slapping the sass from some twink named Joffrey’s mouth. That doesn’t just say I should be watching; it screams it like a slut during last call at the d*ck buffet. Set my interest to STUNNED!
Mamma mia! It’s a YouTube video of nostalgia-fetishizing lip-plumper enthusiast Lana Del Rey’s “Video Games” in which Princess Peach yearns to get out of her not-so-super Mario marriage and give Luigi a taste of her crumb cobbler. Sure, it may not be Lana Del Rey’s “Hunger Games”, nor is it The Young Professionals’s discotheque-fabu “Video Games” cover, but this is still a rather clever, satisfyingly meta parody where Princess Peach works a pair of Lana Del Lips like she’s got a case of Lindsay Lohan’s Lady Trouty Mouth. I believe there are but two words for such a Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner gold-star worthy nerd thing:
Nerds! Cosplay [including Sucker Punch(?!?)]! Lady Gaga! Lip-dubbing for your life that would have RuPaul telling you to sashay away! These guys and gals were born this way (terribly nerdy and possibly with too much time on their hands?), and this video was indubitably born for this blog, so carry on, my brethren! Or, as the interwebs might decree: Ur doin it right.
It’s been over a year since I last threw on my gay claws and tippity-typed up a frothing homo frenzy about Sucker Punch, Zack Snyder’s live action follow-up to Watchmen, and so much has happened since then, y’all. Carla Gugino helped unleash the candy-colored Kraken of camp that is Women in Trouble, and Zack Snyder made an animated family film about owls:
One of these makes me cackle because it’s fabulous, and the other makes me cackle because my brain cannot comprehend that it’s a thing that actually exists. You’re welcome to try and figure out which one’s which, but please, don’t strain yourself.
ANYWAYS, more important than any of that stuff tangentially related to my Sucker Punch anticipation is the fact that the teaser phase of marketing has finally kicked-off. This explains why we’ve now got six character-based teaser posters over at the film’s official website. There’s one for Emily Browning as Baby Doll:
If you haven’t seen Inception, *SPOILER ALERT!* Marion Cotillard plays Mal, Cobb’s (Leonardo DiCaprio) wife and subconscious projection of his guilt over her untimely passing. Oh yeah, she’s also a totally badass bitch:
When she’s not trying to persuade Cobb to join her for all eternity in Limbo, she’s shooting and shanking people who get in her way. If you wanted to be a class bomb about it, you could say she makes it her business to f*ck your sh*t up, which is sorta like what the girl posting this Inception-inspired Craigslist casual encounter ad wants to one very special guy. It’s definitely not safe for work, but it will also break your brain more than Joseph Gordon Levitt’s zero-gravity fight scene, so of course you should check it out:
Don’t get me wrong: on a purely aesthetic level, “Alejandro” is a slick–if chilly–experience. Sure, previous videos have been more unabashed efforts in batshit insanity and/or delirious camp (two qualities I’ve long adored in LadyGaga’soeuvre), but I suppose some sort of restraint in those arenas is the price of artistic growth, so brava! I guess?
Added to that, I’m sure there’s a way interpret “Alejandro” as nearly nine minutes of back-up dancers in various states of fascist-themed fetish gear, Lady Gaga in various states of Catholicism-inspired dress/undress, machine gun bras, pageboy haircuts, and overtly gay imagery (you can’t call it homoerotic when it’s anything but subtle, Shot of Push-Ups That Look “Conspicuously” Like Butt Sex) that coalesce into some sort of treatise on Foucauldian power structures and queer revolution; unfortunately for me, I’ve recently been gorging on far too much popculture garbage to fit into my size-28 pretentious pants and try waaay too hard to convince myself I’m anything other than strangely underwhelmed by “Alejandro.” It’s entirely serviceable, possibly even genius, but by no means blowing my mind.
You know, I really have to wonder what’s going on in the marketing department for Salt, because at certain point it stopped seeming like they understood what sort of movie they’re trying to advertise, and if that point wasn’t never, it’s most certainly this new poster from over at FilmoFilia:
I mean, yipes! I’m not sure if this poster is for an espionage thriller starring Angelina Jolie or a movie with the working title Action Wig: Cat-Eyed Meth Head and the Case of the Purloined Upper-Lip Plumper. Either way, DO NOT WANT.
Sure, I’m not saying that this is anywhere near as bad as Plastic-Faced She Beasts of the Glittery Gay Moon of Tatooine:
UGH. I hate to make like a brokenrecord, y’all, but for realsies:
I can already feel early onset withdrawal coming on, and boy is it bleak. It’s so bad that I’ve had to work extra hard on my shimmies to help balance out the shakes, and I’ve had to buy myself industrial strength spoons to make sure I don’t accidentally swallow my tongue in the process. Like I said, bleak.
Anyways, the one upside to being such a human train wreck is that it’s gotten me thinking about Lost fan videos, or–to be more specific–the lack of Lost fan videos. Seriously, the internet is a bastion for all of us nerds with too much time on our hands to obsess over things like Lost, or which image should come next in their YouTube Miley Cyrus fan video slide show. Sadly for me, I’m too technologically incompetent to know how to make or even upload a YouTube video. Hell, I can barely make a gif, and I have to write up all my blog posts on a typewriter and then have have a 15-year-old transcribe them into C++ (that’s how it works, right?), because the interwebs are for the young and I am OLD. My point is, I’ve come up with a list of Lost fan videos that I think should happen, and I think we, the internet, need to make them happen. For example:
Song: U2’s “No Line on the Horizon”
Why: U2’s ambient rock hymn to a “girl who’s like the sea” is transformed into one fan’s ode to the mysteries of the island itself. The lines “Time is irrelevant/It’s not linear” take on a whole new meaning that encapsulates the time-shifting experience Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse have crafted over the course of six seasons. On the down side, though, there’s no mention of narrative meandering, inexplicably dropped plot threads, or a last-act explanation of “Your questions lead to more questions, so here is a cave of golden light.”
I mean, I guess it’s great to be the couple of nerds that fall in love and decide that the best way to express your commitment to each other is by having the first wedding ever performed by a robot. People spend their whole lives hoping to make that sort of connection, even though that connection usually doesn’t involve bringing us closer to the day Skynet became self-aware, but you know what? These people found each other, and that’s a rare and wonderful thing, y’all:
On the other hand, we’re still talking about the Robot Apocalypse, which hasn’t yet stopped being the worst, which still means QUIT IT, JAPAN/NERDS.
Knowing that we’re less than a week away from the series finale of Lost fills me with an anxious emotional cocktail of that’s one part excitement and two parts trepidation. Excitement because I can’t wait to find out how it all finally comes to a close. Trepidation because I’m not ready to wake up to a world where a brand new episode of Lost isn’t only a week–or even a seemingly interminable span of months between seasons–away, and also because I’m going to be back home in Georgia that weekend. I’m less worried about getting answers to all my questions (will Penny and Desmond finally be reunited? What has become of my two favorite Others, Benjamin Linus and Richard Alpert? And will Kate please either make herself useful or just die already?) and more concerned about my post-finale yowls of pop culture despair awaking my parents. Seriously, there’s not enough sound-proofing material in all of metro Atlanta to guarantee them a decent night’s sleep.
Anyways, at least I can console myself knowing there’s this video that imagines what the Lost series finale would be like if it were a sitcom, because we’re going to need a bigger LOLZ to get through all the *TEARZ!*, y’all:
Call me a persnickety bitch, but I normally try to avoid posting an obvious bootleg of a trailer. The video quality’s never particularly great, the damn thing will inevitably get yanked down from YouTube the second that the suits get wind of its leak, and besides, I prefer patience over the tacky interweb nerd impulse to be first because I like to think it speaks of my refined aesthetic appreciation (Showgirls). That said, Super 8 is a J.J. Abrams movie produced by Steven Spielberg, which means this teaser trailer is just as exciting as a teaser trailer for a Michael Bay movie produced by Steven Spielberg except for the whole I-was-being-ironic thing, so you know what? Nerd up, bitches, ‘cos FIRST (or, at this point, LAST?):
Obviously we know nothing about this movie save for that: a) there’s a literal train wreck (as opposed to the metaphorical train wreck that is a Michael Bay movie), and b) this movie’s most likely about a space alien from Area 51, but apparently that’s all I need for me to know what I’ll be doing with my $12.50 at some indeterminate time that’s over a year away. So kudos to you, J.J. Abrams. Even though Super 8 has as much potential as it does buzz (bahoodles), you’ve also once again proven that it takes practically NOTHING to get me interested in a movie. Sorta like that one movie I was excited to see simply because it was starring Sharon Stone, and then it you incidentally happened to have a supporting role, which was weird:
True story, y’all: in my youth, I spent about as much time in my parents’ bedroom watching the classic Star Wars trilogy as I did prancing about pretending I was the star ballet dancer (affectionately nicknamed “Spotlight Spotlight Dancer”) in a production of Tchaichovsky’s The Nutcracker. Both activities were encouraged by my parents, which–looking back–explains so very, very much about the man I am today. That, and the one time I washed my neighborfriend’s Barbie’s hair in the bathroom sink.
ANYWAYS, as a result of of my upbringing, there aren’t many things in life that I miss quite like Carrie’s puns (it’s a homo thing), but those halycon hours I as a wee gay in spent in a galaxy far, far away most certainly are one of them (it’s a nerd thing), so it’s without reservation that I bid you all good tidings on today’s most joyous of fake holidays:
It goes without saying that this pun is like Darth Vader force choking your ear drums, so yeouch! But it’s also a nice little way to take a moment out of your day and appreciate how Star Wars might have made your life a little better. Or, if you’re feeling like a regular ol’ Scrooge, so much worse. For your eyes. And your soul. You know exactly what I’m talking about:
I think it’s important to contextualize the new music video for Christina Aguilera’s “Not Myself Tonight” with a couple things: firstly, unless you work in a sex shop that specializes in high-end leather wear and bedazzled gag balls or an office with an HR staff that doesn’t consider getting your Nomi Malone on and mercilessly humping EVERYTHING inappropriate workplace conduct (so basically you work at the Cheetah), then yes, “Not Myself Tonight” might in fact be considered Not Safe For Work. More importantly, though, I’m pretty sure that Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Christina Aguilera impersonation is going to be so miffed that the real Xtina finally got around to doing a cover of Lil’ Kim’s “C*m-Guzzling F*ck Whore”:
Oh lordy, Christina, that was most certainly skanky enough. Bonkers, too, which can only mean that we need to talk about this thing, so let’s all put some aloe vera on our Christina burns and talk about this thing after the jump.
Sure, my co-worker was not a fan, and I guess it was embarrassing, but not nearly as embarrassing as taking six years to capitalize on the obviously lucrative market for video game adaptations of Mean Girls and things tangentially related to Mean Girls. Of course, neither compares to the shame of being the one star of Mean Girls whose notoriously public career implosion most likely resulted in him/her being left off the video game box art for fear of their presence damaging sales (HINT: NOT THE WIDE-SET VAGINA GIRL), but that’s neither here nor there.
My point is that if there’s one thing that gays love, it’s dick spending money on things they don’t need; and if there’s another thing that they love, it’s sucking dick while watching Mean Girls. A Mean Girls video game just makes sense. Sure, six years isn’t exactly striking while the iron’s hot, but gays don’t mind when things don’t age gracefully (See: Xanadu, which only grows more camp with each passing day. See also: Madonna).
ANYWAYS, this can only be the beginning of the Video Games Renaissance (for games based on Mean Girls and things tangentially related to Mean Girls), so let’s take a peek at some other other games we can expect in the future:
See, the cultural studies nerd in me has this sneaking suspicion there’s something problematic at work in the way this video seems to be appropriating non-white cultures into a camp spectacle of otherness. “Dog Days Are Over”‘s imagery is utterly arresting, for sure, but it’s also difficult to watch this video without wondering if a certain level of cultural imperialism is at work:
The gay man in me, meanwhile, doesn’t see anything wrong with what I imagine going on “It’s a Small World” must be like while wearing tranny-acid-flashback goggles. Seriously. If my inner gay were an inner bitchy drag queen, she’d tell me to stick a dick in my trap and shut it.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is going to come out August 13th. Today is March 25th. That means Scott Pilgrim vs the World isn’t going to be in theaters for nearly five months. That is unacceptable because this teaser is amazing:
Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner 
