TGIFriday the 13th, Now Here’s Betsy Palmer as Mrs. Voorhees
March 13, 2015

In the annals of great camp performances, I think Betsy Palmer’s turn as Mrs. Voorhees is the (over the)tops, and since it’s apropos of today, here she is simply killing it (literally) in Friday the 13th as one of my favorite horror movie mommie dearests this side of Vera Farmiga’s Norma Bates and Ronee Blakley in A Nightmare on Elm Street:

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Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale Is Going to Be the Best Christmas Movie EVER
November 10, 2010

If anyone can explain to me how in the world Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale movie could conceivably not be the best Christmas movie of all time, I’d love to sit through their Powerpoint presentation plumbing the depths of that argument, because I’m just not buying it.  I mean, we all know I love me some batshit crazy, and this movie looks like it’s bringing the crazy like an extra-large stocking overstuffed with spades.  How can we possibly lose?  Oh, that’s right: WE CAN’T.  And don’t take my obviously biased and ofttimes hyperbolic word for it.  Do yourself a favor and bathe your eyeballs in the glorious insanity of the Rare Exports trailer:

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Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan Will Be My New Favorite Movie of 2010, or: No Duh, You Old Queen
August 24, 2010

Take the poster for Black Swan for example.  This poster alone is enough to send me into a hundred fits of gay vapors (or “gaypors,” if you’re in the know).  Just look at this piping hot plate of Natalie Portman FACE:

OOH, IT BURNS!  Seriously, though, this poster’s phenomenal.  It’s gorgeous with a subtle air of creepy, and all of it demands that I get my ass to the theater as soon as possible to see this movie, which is sorta like how I feel whenever I watch the trailer.  Except for the part where the trailer makes my head explode.  If you’ve seen the trailer, you know what I’m talking about.  If you haven’t, change that poor life choice of yours IMMEDIATELY.  Either way, let’s all give it a spin and discuss:

Well, first things first:

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Today’s Fabulous Image in Cinema: Roy Scheider in Jaws
August 5, 2010

Here are a few reasons for Today’s Fabulous Image in Cinema being Roy Scheider’s iconic reaction shot to the monstrous great white shark in Jaws:

  1. It’s Shark Week, so only it seems apropos.
  2. When I was home sick on Monday, I decided to re-watch Jaws because sometimes it’s important to shake it up and stray from my usual sick-day viewing requirements.  Variety is the spice of blah, blah, blah.  Also, it’s Shark Week, so that too seemed apropos.
  3. Mostly, though, I’m firmly of the mind that believes Roy Scheider’s reaction in the above image is fabulous, and this is the most important reason, so let’s take a quick respite from living every week like it’s Shark Week and discuss, shall we?

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Today’s Fabulous Image(s) in Cinema: Julia Ormond in I Know Who Killed Me
July 27, 2010

I don’t know what persuaded Julia Ormond to get on board the Hot Mess Express and play Lindsay Lohan’s mother in the thriller/slasher/torture porn/masterpiece that is I Know Who Killed, but I do know I’m forever happy she did.  Without her commitment to the craft, the line “This is Mr. Jervis” would be a line about a teddy bear like any other; instead, Julia Ormond makes it one of the most dazzling, mind-bogglingly bizarre things I’ve ever seen committed to film.  I mean, what in the world is she doing with her voice?  And what’s going on with her face?  No, seriously:

Pure FACE poetry is what’s going on with her face, y’all.

Sure, it’s all too easy to take a line delivered to the girl you believe is your only daughter–the daughter who’s been abducted by a serial killer, lost portions of her arm and leg through a brutal amputation process that involves dry ice and blue glass surgical utensils (don’t ask), and somehow managed to escape–like a she’s just gone through a serious trauma (so, you know, like a normal person), but it takes a special caliber of actor to play that line like you’re in the midst of an exorcism, and that caliber is BRILLIANT.  Lindsay Lohan’s reaction shot pretty much sums it up:

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*SPOILER ALERT*: Neve Campbell Gets a Haircut in Scream 4
June 28, 2010

It’s been a while since I’ve bothered to mention Scream 4, mostly because I don’t loathe the idea of it nearly as much as I used to.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been known to be wrong about these things before, or maybe it’s the fact that I don’t know how to say “No” to Neve Campbell, but whatever the reason, I’ve moved past the snarkily bitchy stage of Scream 4 grief and have tentatively arrived at I-sure-hope-they-don’t-f*ck-this-up, which is kinda like acceptance, except for the part where I’m still in denial about this picture Access Hollywood‘s Nancy O’Dell snapped while visiting the set of Scream 4:

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Let’s Go BRODYQUESTin’
June 3, 2010

Adrien Brody co-starring with Sarah Polley in Splice:

Adrien Brody starring in and being special enough to get his own poster for Predators:

predators poster royce adrien brody

Adrien Brody going on his BRODYQUEST:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Terribly Timely and Totally Irresponsible Recaps: OSCARS!
March 9, 2010

You know, it’s times like this that I wonder if I should’ve devoted Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner to something like cat farts as opposed to pop culture because it’s hard to over think three hours of cat farts; real talk: blogs about cat farts write themselves.  Blogs that try to recap  rather paint-by-numbers Oscar ceremonies?  Not so much.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not like last night’s Academy Awards ceremony was an interminable bore.  After all, the woman whom shall henceforth forever be known on the interwebz as “Lady Kanye” has us all talking about the Best Documentary Short win, which is a real coup for a category of movies I know to exist only because they continue to get awards every year; otherwise, I remain vaguely convinced documentary shorts are like the Sasquatch of cinema, but I digress.

My point is that the Oscars were totally fine in the way that a largely predictable three-and-a-half hour Hollywood circle jerk is totally fine, but Oscar party margaritas have a tendency to make most anything better, so if it was worse than just watching a bunch of people win  the same awards we’ve been seeing them win all awards season, I honestly wasn’t paying attention.  Anywho, this ping-pong-ball-sized kidney stone of a blog post ain’t gonna pass itself, so let’s take one last look back and throw out some patently irresponsible kudos and sassy finger snaps to a few of the more mentionable moments:

First off, kudos are certainly in order for Mo’nique.  I’ve heard her performance is excellent, and I might even one day be able to personally attest to that, but even those few moments they showed during the Oscars were enough to thoroughly disturb me, and I really don’t need any more fodder for my nightmares.  Particularly when the Oscars were already getting ad revenue from the ultimate nightmare fuel:

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At Last! My Hopes for a New Nightmare on Elm Street Remake Trailer Have Been Answered. Sorta
February 23, 2010

Out of respect to the small yet loyal blog audience that regularly indulges my crazy, I’ve avoided incessantly rants about my increasingly impatient yearning for a new trailer for the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Why?  Because even I’m aware of how much that would start to drag ass.  

That said, ever since the teaser trailer showed up last fall and made me change my mind about this whole affair, I’ve been hungry for more, and now we’re two months from its release without any news of another trailer in sight, which means I’ve been a hot second away from turning tricks on the street corner for even a little Nightmare on Elm Street remake somethin’ somethin’.

Fortunately for my sense of dignity and everyone else’s eyes, ComingSoon.net has a quick fix in the form of a new teaser poster:

nightmare on elm street remake teaser poster 2

Sure, this is basically the first teaser poster except now it’s all about Face whereas before it was about Glove, but you know what?  I’ll take it.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, y’all.  Particularly when fishnets and hooker heels really aren’t your best look.  

Oh, and while we’re at it, ShockTillYouDrop.com has gathered some new promo stills from over at MovieGod.de.  Let’s go take a peek and see what we can figure out:

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Our Prayers Have Been Answered! Homecoming Is Finally Coming to DVD
February 9, 2010

I cannot convey to you in words how much this delights me, but DVDActive is reporting that Homecoming is at long last arriving on DVD April 27th.  Obviously this is a good thing because I know we’ve all been waiting an eternity (or since last summer) to witness Mischa Barton channel Kathy Bates in Misery and bring on the crazy in a hardcore way.  And for those of you who haven’t been waiting for Homecoming grace your eyeballs like a thousand golden rays of batshit bonkers sunshine, allow me to repost the trailer to remind you how you live a joyless existence and generally fail at life:

Um, there’s a scene where Mischa Barton takes a bed pan to the face.  The face!  If that doesn’t indicate how much this movie DEMANDS our support, then I don’t know what does.  Also, let’s not forget how Mischa’s currently guesting as a hooker named Gladys on Law & Order: SVU in order to pay the bills.  Girl could probably use the residual check.

Most importantly, though, Homecoming is apparently the movie in which Mischa Barton can has ham sandwich:

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RIP, Zelda Rubinstein
January 28, 2010

Sad news, y’all.  The AP is reporting that Zelda Rubinstein passed away yesterday at the age of 76.  Not only did she star in one of the great camp classics, Teen Witch, but she was also part of this rather fantastic AIDS awareness campaign:

But then, of course, there’s this:

And perhaps even more memorably, this:

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HAUSU!!!
January 15, 2010

Starting today, the IFC Center’s kicking off Janus Film’s nationwide tour of one of the most absolutely batshit insane and totally brilliant movies ever made:

Seriously, y’all, I don’t even want to spoil an iota of the crazy, so just watch the trailer and give yourselves a taste:

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All Signs Point to Case 39 Being Totally Amazing
November 30, 2009

Obviously the first sign is the simple fact that Case 39 is a horror movie starring Renée Zellwegger, which allows her to join Hilary Swank and Halle Berry in the pantheon of Oscar-winning actresses to be inexplicably cast in a horror movie.  The fact that she’s at long last making her The Reaping (or Gothika, whichever perplexing career decision you’d prefer) should be more than plenty to have you buzzing with anticipatory glee.  But wait, there’s more!

For example, there’s also the trailer:

Oh trailer, you had me at Bradley Cooper shirtless and vomiting flies.  Given that this combines things that I like (Bradley Cooper and Bradley Cooper’s abs) and things that will haunt me for the rest of my life (the whole vomiting flies business), so congratulations are in order for giving such precise vision to my future sexual nightmares.

Sign three?  The little girl in this movie was also in Silent Hill, where she memorably danced in a rain of blood after a barbed wire tentacle shot up the Borg queen’s hooha and ripped her in two.  This actually has nothing to do with Case 39.  I just like taking any available opportunity to mention how batshit crazy Silent Hill is.  Seriously, it’s the craziest, but I digress.

Also, there’s Case 39‘s tagline, which is as clever as it is menacing:

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The Nightmare on Elm Street Remake Now Has a Trailer. Let’s All Discuss
September 28, 2009

So this is still most definitely happening:

nightmareonefull-thumb-480x710-3195

And, yes, I may have in the past been a little harsh when it comes to the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Okay, I’ve definitely been really harsh.  But whatever.  I can’t help myself.  I’m inclined to be protective of the horror films that I hold dear.  That, and I have a tendency to become hyperbolically bitchy when it comes to defending said films from the clutches of Hollywood remakery.  These things happen.

Anywhosie, the first official trailer for the remake has splattered itself all over the interwebs (get it?  It’s a horror pun.  ‘Cos this blog is the face of sophisticated, erudite humor. Le duh.), so let’s all watch and reassess the situation based upon the latest evidence.  After all, that’s how scientists and the cast of CSI: Miami do things in the real world:

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The Only Thing More Depressing Than Scream 4 Existing Is Scream 4 Existing AND Starring Neve Campbell
September 26, 2009

It’s been a while since thought about Scream 4, and that’s largely because it pains me to know end to think about this debacle coming to fruition.  Scream was the first R-rated horror film I was ever allowed to watch.  I lost my H-card to Scream, y’all, so the thought of Courteney Cox Arquette and David Arquette being surrounded by a CW-series worthy cast of actors and calling it Scream 4 feels somewhat akin to tracking down your high-school sweetheart only to discover they’ve gotten a cheap boob-job and are turning tricks outside a Cheesecake Factory.  You want so desperately to rekindle those old feelings, but you can’t help but feeling it’s going to be sloppy and desperate.  In the end, it’s really just best to walk away and remember the good times.  So why stop with the ostrichin’?

Well, there now comes news that Neve Campbell has joined the cast of Scream 4, which is the sort of tidbit that makes me wish Tatum was still around to dole out her sassy yet sage wisdom:

scream 4 neve campbell bad idea

Seeing as she was taken out by a rather unfortunate accident involving a doggy door and an electronic garage door opener, such advice could not be counseled.  That, and she’s also a fictional character, but whatever.  Boo.

What sucks about this development (besides Neve Campbell seeing Neve Campbell get wrangled into this train wreck) is that I now have to hoist up my white flag and admit defeat/mildly percolating interest.  If I’ve sat through Three to Tango for Neve Campbell,  then it goes without saying that I’ll be sitting through Scream 4 for Neve Campbell.  Of course they’ll probably just Casey Becker her in the first 15 minutes, but shooting doesn’t start ’til next spring, so there’s still time for this not to be the worst!  Let’s discuss.

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The Final Destination? I Seriously, Sadly Doubt It
September 3, 2009

To be certain, I’d already seen the trailer for The Final Destination, which is unquestionably asinine:

It looked–and still looks–ridiculous.  And stupid.  So, you know, everything that makes the Final Destination series so enjoyable.  It’s the same plot and practically the same dialogue; only the actors and accidents change.  But now it’s in 3D, so it’s new to you!  I guess, Hollywood?  Whatever.  Sold.

Still, having now seen The Final Destination, I have to admit that it’s incomparably more ridicudumb than I could’ve ever imagined.  I should have probably expected this when the central accident involved race cars.

There’s very little that’s spectacularly inventive about the kills save for the fact that they really play up the 3D gimmick.  It’s always some part of some person that’s flying towards the screen, and such redundancy will probably be even more evident if you watch it in 2D on DVD.  Still, the 3D experience is what you’re paying for (unless you’re me, in which case you saw it for free thanks to your cable company’s rewards program), so the filmmakers of The Final Destination deserve a “well played” for delivering it in spades.

On the other hand, though, the movie is painfully lazy in the script department.  The barebones story is now so gaunt and transparent that you want the movie to just eat something (preferably starches)!   Added to that, while the Final Destination franchise has never been about subtlety or depth, there are characters in this movie with credits like Cowboy and Racist.  The Cowboy gets his name because of his hat, and the Racist really hates black people, and both of these characters actually have relevant roles in the story!  I’m pretty sure this sort of character development doesn’t even constitute half a dimension.

Fortunately, when it comes to Racist at least, Death seems to have a sense of humor.  And a membership with the NAACP (SPOILER ALERTZ!):

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How Much Longer Can I Still Refuse to Believe That the Poltergeist Remake Is Happening?
August 13, 2009

Yesterday, Laura reminded me that MGM is planning to remake Tobe Hooper’s (or, if you believe the rumors, Steven Speilberg’s) 1982 masterpiece, Poltergeist.  We all know how I feel about that:

poltergeist remake bad idea

 The Poltergeist remake is the sort of thing that I’ve been desperately trying to forget for the past several years, and I had remained quite hopeful that it would remain nothing more than baseless chatter and drafts of scripts that would ultimately languish in development for all eternity.  This isn’t optimism so much as flat out denial, but I get a feeling I can’t play ostrich much longer, y’all.

As there’s no word yet from Variety, I haven’t yet been forced to slam my head against my desk in disbelief that it’s any closer to actually existing.   ShockTillYouDrop.com claims that the Poltergeist remakes set to come out on Thanksgiving of 2010, and that’s more than enough for me to start bracing for impending cinematic doom.  To borrow one of Shmathan’s favorite interweb meme phrases: It’s going to be a catastrophe!

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Today’s Secret Shame: Megan Fox’s Fake PSA Has Made My Morning
August 13, 2009

ASUUU MADREEE!!!  There are mornings when I simply adore the MTA and all that public transit has to offer.  Then, of course, there are the days in which a train ahead of you stalls, and you find yourself pondering the injustice of another fare hike while your train idles on the track.  Sadly, today was much more like the latter than the former, so you’d better believe that I totally had my bitchface on when I got off the subway.  Gene Tierney bitchface, to be precise:

leave_her_to_heavensmb

Fortunately enough, a new bit of viral marketing for Jennifer’s Body has cropped up all over the interwebs, and it simply reconfirms my suspicions that this movie is going to be trashy goodness.  The clip’s a PSA in which Megan Fox discusses the trials and tribulations of being a teenager.  She may not be the obvious (or even reasonable) choice for such a message, but NO MATTER!  When Megan Fox wants to talk about peer pressure and teen bullying, you’d better shut up and listen:

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Internet Spoilers: 1, Orphan Ad Campaign: A Bajillion
July 8, 2009

Well, if this internet commenter’s supposed spoiler is to be revealed, lil’ oprhan Esther’s secret is out of the bag, and it’s even more batshit insane than I could’ve ever anticipated.  I won’t explicitly discuss the details, but I’ll say this: It’s honestly such an impressively thought-out, completely out-of-nowhere sort of twist that I believe it.  And want to see this movie immediately so I can confirm its validity.  Not since the phrase “non-religious identical twin stigmata” has an ending scaled such heights of so-bad-it’s-brilliant absurdity.   Seriously, y’all, it’s so damn trashtastically awful that it’s pretty much seals the deal: Orphan is destined for of camp/cult/bad horror movie greatness.  

On one hand, if it’s true, I’ll be terribly disappointed to not have such a wonderfully gonzo revelation dropped in my lap in the final moments of the film.  But on the other hand:

orphan secret

No, poster, obviously the interwebs cannot keep a secret.  In the age of the internet, nobody can keep their trap shut to save their damn life, and it’s a rather brilliant move on the part of Orphan‘s marketing campaign to sell a film all around a climactic narrative reveal in a time where spoilers are all but anticipated.  When you think about it, it’s a clever spin on an old advertising tradition. (more…)

A Guide to the Red-Band Jennifer’s Body Trailer For People That Don’t Care About Megan Fox’s Boobs
July 7, 2009

Have you seen the red-band trailer for Jennifer’s Body, which sells us Diablo Cody’s teen horror film by emphasizing the cursing and Megan Fox’s boobs?  Oh, and Megan Fox being teasingly “bisexual”?  Maybe it’s me, I can’t help but think Showgirls did the boobs and bisexuality so much better and with so much less Megan Fox.  Fortunately, I think the rest of us (and by rest of us, I mean people lacking an interest in Megan Fox and/or her boobs) still have plenty to be excited about.

For starters, there’s Amanda Seyfried:

amanda seyfried mean girls best

And she’s been the best since her scene-stealing turn in Mean Girls, and it’s simply a matter of time before she finally blows up.  She infinitely appealing and incredibly versatile (I believe her dumb blond every bit as much as her high school outcast), and this could be the breakthrough she deserves.  After all, Jamie Lee Curtis–the original Final Girl–made it big with Halloween.  For those of us who appreciate women or character and substance, she’s the Jennifer’s Body (Final) girl to watch.

And what about a generation’s nostalgia for a certain West-Coast based teen soap?  Jennifer’s Body has got the goods IN SPADES:

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