Archive for May, 2010

The Single Greatest Artistic Achievement of the 21st Century
May 28, 2010

Artist: Countess LuAnn of The Real Housewives of New York

Title: “Money Can’t Buy You Class”

Year: 2010

Medium: Mixed (Audio, Video, Tranny Robot)

Canonical Status: INSTANTANEOUS MASTERPIECE

Holy f*ck.

Well, I guess art students across America can all just go kill themselves while listening to their Smiths records now, because they’re never going to top that.  Ever.

And you know that somewhere in this great big world of ours, Nomi Malone is shedding a single bedazzled tear of pride:

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A Perfectly Reasonable Response to the American Idol Season Finale
May 27, 2010

Now that Lee DeWyze has won this season of American Idol, we can all listen at our own risk to his cover of U2’s “Beautiful Day.” I personally imagine it to be the soundtrack to my own personal Hell–the one where it plays on infinite loop over an endless montage of inspirational moments from sports movies–because I hate sports movies (that are not A League of Their Own, DUH) almost as much as I love U2.  But I digress.

Here’s a video of someone’s mom reacting to last night’s American Idol finale:

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Sex and the City 2: In 60 Seconds
May 26, 2010

So this is out today:

And by most accounts, it’s a garish mess about four “women” advocating “feminism” in the Middle East, if “feminism” means conspicuous couture consumption and keeping your love shack open for business like a 24-hour diner, of course.  In other words, Sex and the City 2 is exactly what I expected.

ANYWAYS, life is short and we can’t all buy vintage Dior with Monopoly money (which I imagine is the secret to having an ever expanding wardrobe in the midst of a recession), so let’s all save ourselves $12.50 and nearly two-and-a-half hours of our lives by watching this video of Sex and the City 2 in 60 Seconds instead, because it’s basically the same thing but funnier:

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Lee DeWyze’s “Beautiful Day” Must Be Stopped
May 26, 2010

It has come to my attention that if Lee DeWyze wins this season’s American Idol, his first single will be his rendition of U2’s “Beautiful Day.”  That is unacceptable, because his version is just like the leather hoodie he’s wearing during this performance (AWFUL):

Blech.

Sure, I recognize that many of you out there are like, “But Benjamin, what version of ‘Beautiful Day’ doesn’t suck?” and that’s fine.  Seeing as I’m too-U2-fanboy-to-function (as has been repeatedly evidenced here), I’m inclined to disagree, but disagreeing is one of those things upon which we can all agree.  And you know what else we can agree on?  Lee DeWyze’s version is a total bore.

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Justin Beiber vs. a Revolving Door
May 20, 2010

Just because I’ve nothing against Justin Bieber doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a good revolving door FAIL:

Seriously, I don’t think I’ve schadenfreuded that hard since this face.

All my love to Videogum for this one.

The New Salt Poster Is All About FACE. Nightmare FACE, That Is
May 20, 2010

You know, I really have to wonder what’s going on in the marketing department for Salt, because at certain point it stopped seeming like they understood what sort of movie they’re trying to advertise, and if that point wasn’t never, it’s most certainly this new poster from over at FilmoFilia:

I mean, yipes!  I’m not sure if this poster is for an espionage thriller starring Angelina Jolie or a movie with the working title Action Wig: Cat-Eyed Meth Head and the Case of the Purloined Upper-Lip Plumper.  Either way, DO NOT WANT.

Sure, I’m not saying that this is anywhere near as bad as Plastic-Faced She Beasts of the Glittery Gay Moon of Tatooine:

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Five Lost Fan Videos That Would Make the Internet a Better Place
May 20, 2010

UGH.  I hate to make like a broken record, y’all, but for realsies:

I can already feel early onset withdrawal coming on, and boy is it bleak.  It’s so bad that I’ve had to work extra hard on my shimmies to help balance out the shakes, and I’ve had to buy myself industrial strength spoons to make sure I don’t accidentally swallow my tongue in the process.  Like I said, bleak.

Anyways, the one upside to being such a human train wreck is that it’s gotten me thinking about Lost fan videos, or–to be more specific–the lack of Lost fan videos.  Seriously, the internet is a bastion for all of us nerds with too much time on our hands to obsess over things like Lost, or which image should come next in their YouTube Miley Cyrus fan video slide show.  Sadly for me, I’m too technologically incompetent to know how to make or even upload a YouTube video.  Hell, I can barely make a gif, and I have to write up all my blog posts on a typewriter and then have have a 15-year-old transcribe them into C++ (that’s how it works, right?), because the interwebs are for the young and I am OLD.  My point is, I’ve come up with a list of Lost fan videos that I think should happen, and I think we, the internet, need to make them happen.  For example:

Song: U2’s “No Line on the Horizon”

Why: U2’s ambient rock hymn to a “girl who’s like the sea” is transformed into one fan’s ode to the mysteries of the island itself.  The lines “Time is irrelevant/It’s not linear” take on a whole new meaning that encapsulates the time-shifting experience Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse have crafted over the course of six seasons.  On the down side, though, there’s no mention of narrative meandering, inexplicably dropped plot threads, or a last-act explanation of “Your questions lead to more questions, so here is a cave of golden light.”

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Which Is More Bonkers? Stefon’s Summer Hot Spots or Miley Cyrus on Dancing With the Stars
May 19, 2010

Here’s Saturday Night Live‘s Weekend Update correspondent Stefon telling us about all of New York City’s best summer hot spots:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

It’s such a shame my parents won’t be coming up here this summer.  After all, nothing says “Thanks for visiting, Mom and Dad!” quite like partying with a bunch of shims and a cat from a bodega, but I digress.

Now here’s Miley Cyrus, who’s once again making a bid for pop star legitimacy by stomping around the stage like she’s the X-Man Angel’s kid sister, you know, the one a fondness for pompadours and dressing up like an extra in a community theater production of The Rocky Horror Show:

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The Robot Apocalypse Will Be Adorable, Officiate Your Wedding
May 18, 2010

I mean, I guess it’s great to be the couple of nerds that fall in love and decide that the best way to express your commitment to each other is by having the first wedding ever performed by a robot.  People spend their whole lives hoping to make that sort of connection, even though that connection usually doesn’t involve bringing us closer to the day Skynet became self-aware, but you know what?  These people found each other, and that’s a rare and wonderful thing, y’all:

On the other hand, we’re still talking about the Robot Apocalypse, which hasn’t yet stopped being the worst, which still means QUIT IT, JAPAN/NERDS.

Let’s All Watch the Video for Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” Why? Because I Said So
May 18, 2010

One of my friends decided that today was Billy Joel Tuesday, which–as I’m a child of the ’80s–is the sort of thing I can get behind; unfortunately, given how neither Billy Joel nor his music fall under the banner of homo things, this is really just an excuse to post the video for “We Didn’t Start the Fire” and marvel at its real star: that kitchen.

That kitchen is like a cross between a history lesson in American kitsch aesthetics and a museum of pop culture tchotchkes throughout the ages.  In hindsight, it all looks rather garish and camp, particularly the late 80s, but that doesn’t come as a particular surprise.  After all, the 80s was all about shoulder pads for women, which are only acceptable when you’re Joan Crawford.  Or starring in an episode of Dynasty:

That’s not to say I’m complaining, though.  No no, when it comes to that kitchen, I want to go to all of theres, so let’s all sit back and enjoy the video for Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”:

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Because We Need Lost Laughter to Get Through the Lost Pain, Here’s the Series Finale as a Sitcom
May 17, 2010

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

Knowing that we’re less than a week away from the series finale of Lost fills me with an anxious emotional cocktail of that’s one part excitement and two parts trepidation.  Excitement because I can’t wait to find out how it all finally comes to a close.  Trepidation because I’m not ready to wake up to a world where a brand new episode of Lost isn’t only a week–or even a seemingly interminable span of months between seasons–away, and also because I’m going to be back home in Georgia that weekend.  I’m less worried about getting answers to all my questions (will Penny and Desmond finally be reunited?  What has become of my two favorite Others, Benjamin Linus and Richard Alpert?  And will Kate please either make herself useful or just die already?) and more concerned about my post-finale yowls of pop culture despair awaking my parents.  Seriously, there’s not enough sound-proofing material in all of metro Atlanta to guarantee them a decent night’s sleep.

Anyways, at least I can console myself knowing there’s this video that imagines what the Lost series finale would be like if it were a sitcom, because we’re going to need a bigger LOLZ to get through all the *TEARZ!*, y’all:

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He-Man Uses His Fabulous Secret Powers to Cover the 4 Non Blondes
May 14, 2010

I say this with as much love and as little hyperbole as I can muster, but sweet tap-dancing twinks is this video gay.  It’s so gay that I don’t even care that it’s probably older than Oscar Wilde in internet years, which means you’ve probably already seen it.  It’s so gay that Newsweek will have to write a follow up piece about how gay cartoon actors need to stay in the closet as well (sorry, Buzz Lightyear, but you’re gonna have to keep mum about Snagglepuss).  Seriously, this video is so gay that it just might be the gayest video EVER, which is sad, because I wasn’t quite ready to reach the bedazzled Shangri La of the interwebs:

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Oh, GURL! This “You Made Me Gay” Video Simply Must Go Viral
May 13, 2010

Sure, if this video was lip-syncing for its life, RuPaul would probably be pursing her lips in disapproval like she was Miranda Priestly, but in case the facial hair and the real boobs in this video weren’t alread dead giveaways, the stars of this video are not drag queens, so who cares?

All that matters is that one of my friends worked on this student video of Gravy Train!!!!’s “You Made Me Gay” for a class project to see who could make the viraliest viral video, which means it’s our IKD (Internet Karmic Duty) to share this video about going cold turkey on the cooch and embracing your inner BQG (Big Queeny Gay) with EVERYONE.  The lyrics might be a little blue for work, but don’t let that stop you.  Forward it to your coworkers, post it on your friends’ and family’s Facebook walls, and most definitely tweet this video to your grandmother, ‘cos this video’s a little slice of let’s-get-it-viral homo hilarity:

Okay, those lyrics are a lot blue, but whatever, you just know that everybody’s gonna LOLove it all the same.  Particularly grandma.  Seriously, there’s nothing she loves more than retweeting all her favorite limp dick and vajayjay jokes.

Sean Hayes Will Never Be Too Gay For Anything
May 13, 2010


The folks over at Slant Magazine‘s blog, The House Next Door, were kind enough to let me get up on my big, gay soap box (it’s a lil’ bit bedazzled, quelle surprise) and share my thoughts about Ramin Setoodeh’s recent Sean-Hayes-is-too-gay-for-a-Broadway-musical-co-starring-Kristin-Chenoweth debacle, so if you’ve ever wondered what I’m like when I haven’t chased a handful of crazy pills with a double shot of espresso, you can check out the piece here.  Maybe it’s just me, but that’s sorta like inviting a foul-mouthed drag queen to a black tie event.  Enjoy!

These Little Girls Burn When They “Single Ladies” Dance
May 12, 2010

On one hand, there’s no train wreck quite like the train wreck that is a bunch of little Nomi Malone’s in training:

Brava? Sure, brava!

Seriously, you don’t get a performance like that without being the sort of über-bitchy pageant mom that warrants a side-eye so cold it could cut diamonds:

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The Super 8 Teaser Trailer Has Leaked Online, So Let’s All Be Nerds and Get It While It’s Hot
May 7, 2010

Call me a persnickety bitch, but I normally try to avoid posting an obvious bootleg of a trailer.  The video quality’s never particularly great, the damn thing will inevitably get yanked down from YouTube the second that the suits get wind of its leak, and besides, I prefer patience over the tacky interweb nerd impulse to be first because I like to think it speaks of my refined aesthetic appreciation (Showgirls).  That said, Super 8 is a J.J. Abrams movie produced by Steven Spielberg, which means this teaser trailer is just as exciting as a teaser trailer for a Michael Bay movie produced by Steven Spielberg except for the whole I-was-being-ironic thing, so you know what?  Nerd up, bitches, ‘cos FIRST (or, at this point, LAST?):

Obviously we know nothing about this movie save for that: a) there’s a literal train wreck (as opposed to the metaphorical train wreck that is a Michael Bay movie), and b) this movie’s most likely about a space alien from Area 51, but apparently that’s all I need for me to know what I’ll be doing with my $12.50 at some indeterminate time that’s over a year away.  So kudos to you, J.J. Abrams.  Even though Super 8 has as much potential as it does buzz (bahoodles), you’ve also once again proven that it takes practically NOTHING to get me interested in a movie.  Sorta like that one movie I was excited to see simply because it was starring Sharon Stone, and then it  you incidentally happened to have a supporting role, which was weird:

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Here’s a Fan-Made Promo to Remind Us What Life After the Lost Series Finale’s Going to Be Like
May 5, 2010

Last night, I was forced to confront YET AGAIN how much I’m really ready for this:

Seriously, it’s been six glorious, occasionally frustrating years with the survivors of the Oceanic Flight 815 crash, and I for one am not ready to get off that rapidly derailing crazy train.  For example, at a certain point last night, a certain thing happened and *SPOILER ALERT* I cried like a dirty bitch because I realized that Lost really is coming to a close.  The end is near, y’all, which means some of our questions if we’re lucky everything will be answered, and while that’s terribly exciting in so many ways, I haven’t yet come to grips with the reality that soon enough I won’t have anything on TV to bark “WHAAAT?!?” at in utter shock and confusion.  At least nothing that doesn’t air on Fox News or the Playboy Channel.

Anyways, ABC recently ran a contest for fans to submit promos for the series finale, and while I’m pretty sure the most confusing Lost mystery to date is how this one didn’t win, I’m extremely confident that this video is what life will look like after the Lost series finale:

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Happy Star Wars Day! Now Let’s All Watch This Epic Review of Attack of the Clones
May 4, 2010

True story, y’all: in my youth, I spent about as much time in my parents’ bedroom watching the classic Star Wars trilogy as I did prancing about pretending I was the star ballet dancer (affectionately nicknamed “Spotlight Spotlight Dancer”) in a production of Tchaichovsky’s The Nutcracker.  Both activities were encouraged by my parents, which–looking back–explains so very, very much about the man I am today.  That, and the one time I washed my neighborfriend’s Barbie’s hair in the bathroom sink.

ANYWAYS, as a result of of my upbringing, there aren’t many things in life that I miss quite like Carrie’s puns (it’s a homo thing), but those halycon hours I as a wee gay in spent in a galaxy far, far away most certainly are one of them (it’s a nerd thing), so it’s without reservation that I bid you all good tidings on today’s most joyous of fake holidays:

happy star wars day yoda carrie bradshaw puns

It goes without saying that this pun is like Darth Vader force choking your ear drums, so yeouch!  But it’s also a nice little way to take a moment out of your day and appreciate how Star Wars might have made your life a little better.  Or, if you’re feeling like a regular ol’ Scrooge, so much worse.  For your eyes.  And your soul.  You know exactly what I’m talking about:

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