Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Saturday Soap Opera Slap Supercut
March 5, 2016

Here’s a montage of someone’s “favorite soap opera slaps”, which is nearly nine blissful minutes of ACTING, SLAPPING, and REACTING (to being slapped). What else were you going to do with your Saturday, laundry?

He Used to Love Doggy Chow, Too
April 11, 2015

craigslist missed connection cat food manners

Cristal: You’ve got great manners. They’re really beautiful.

Nomi: Thanks.

Cristal: I like nice manners. I always have, how about you?

Nomi: I like having nice manners.

Cristal: How you like having ’em?

Nomi: What do you mean?

Cristal: You know what I mean.

Nomi: I like having them with a fork, in a can of cat food.

[hamburgermilk via I Have Seen The Whole Of The Internet]

TGIF! Now Here’s Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway in a Lip Sync Battle
April 10, 2015

You know, it’s odd to me that two of the stars of The Devil Wears Prada doing a highly produced Lip Sync for Your Life isn’t a thing that has already aired on Logo, but I digress.

Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway were on Lip Sync Battle last night. Emily Blunt performed Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart”, Anne Hathaway performed Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball”, and judging by these performances, we don’t have to watch anymore, because this show has already peaked at maximum camp. Seriously, unless they get Nicole Kidman does ping pong trick while lip syncing to Mika’s “Grace Kelly” (it’d be a promotional tie-in to her Lifetime debut), we can stick a fork in this juicy glitterball, ‘cos she’s done. This being a battle, though, my question is: who won?


Here’s Ryan Gosling’s Robert Durst Drag Look in All Good Things
March 15, 2015

ryan gosling robert durst drag

Just a reminder that this is Ryan Gosling, actor and Internet’s Boyfriend, as a fictionalized version of Robert Durst, recently arrested accused murderer and subject of The Jinx, in drag. I don’t recall All Good Things being very good, but this is definitely a memorable look. That is all.

Whatever You Do Tonight, Oscars, Let’s Not Leave Out Ms. Minnelli
February 22, 2015



[Image via Fashion Addicted Foodies]

A Spanish Lesson
January 25, 2015

Mildred Pierce‘s Spanish title (Alma en suplicio) directly translates to “Soul in Torment.” Now that is how you title a melodrama, si?

Yay! Four More Years for Obama!
November 7, 2012

While I largely try and keep politics out of this little corner of the internet, I do believe President Barack Obama’s re-election is cause to celebrate, and what better way to celebrate than with a patriotic dance? Take us home, Little Edie! Take us home!

The Lady Tigra’s “Summertime LA” Is the Hottest New Summer Jam
July 28, 2011

I know I said “I Got Pregnant” was our summer jam, but changing her mind is prerogative held by both women and fickle queens alike, y’all. Besides, the Lady Tigra’s “Summertime” has swooped in like a p*ssed off, crown-hungry drag queen and SNATCHED. MY. LOVE. Can you blame me? Those lyrics? POETRY. The beats? SICKENING. Seriously, the only thing hotter than waiting in an MTA station in NYC this past weekend is this song. One’s guaranteed to make you sweat, the other make you moist. Ew. Whatever. So hot, this song! The hottest, even!

Oh, and also:


“That’s What She Said,” Said Alfred Hitchcock
June 10, 2010

Alfred Hitchcock: He’s already regarded as the Master of Supense, one of the great auteurs of cinema, a total blond enthusiast, and now there’s this:

Man responsible for the first recorded “That’s What She Said” joke.  Or, as they liked to say in the days of the early talkies, “As the girl said to the soldier.”  Pervy-pants ZING!, set, and match, Mr. Hitchcock.  It’s nice see you’re as just as dirty minded as tireless amounts of film criticism have insisted.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get to writing some petitions.  Me thinks the film historians have got some revisioning to do…

Much love to Vulture, via Buzzfeed.

The Robot Apocalypse Will Be Christina Hendricks
June 4, 2010

So fabulous, of course:

And, as Robot Apocalypses are wont to be, f*ckin’ bleak.  Slant Magazine‘s blog, The House Next Door, was kind enough let me share my crazy about the new Broken Bells video for “The Ghost Inside,” so fetch yourself a some glamourous glasses and a poolside martini and check it out over here.

Parting is such sweet sorrow…
September 14, 2009

A farewell post by Shmathan…

As Robert Frost once famously wrote, “Nothing gold can stay.”  And alas, I must repeat these mournful words as I bid farewell to you, the lovely readers of Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner.  Months ago, Benji graciously took me under his wing to teach me the ways of the Force the Blog.  I owe him much, that Sibyl of Sass, that Queen of Camp.  But the circle is now complete, and the student must move on and make his own way.  I must say, I’ve relished the opportunity to constantly rag on Twihards, share my obsession with Daniel Cudmore and hold forth on all things Geeky.  But it is time to leave this blog to its rightful master, and anyway, remains the greatest source of Nerd Things on the internet.  So it is time to go in search of my own voice.  So, if you ever find yourself missing my overwritten rants and tendency to wax pretentious, come visit me at my own little corner of the interwebs, Oscar Wilde’s Closet. Thank you, and good night.

Check out this new blog!
August 27, 2009

From Shmarker:

Check out this new blog!:

It’s magic!

MonaVie Releases New Crack Drink!
August 17, 2009

Greetings from Shmarker!  It’s been awhile, fellow followers of all feats fagulous, since my last post.  I’m sorry for such a long delay (though I know I don’t have quite the following my fellow NPBiaH posters have), but I must blame my studies for such.  No, seriously. I had to sprint a session of marathon reading in order to finish Gravity’s Rainbow by my self-imposed deadline for my directed reading, followed by a fantastic trip to Washington, DC, where I took pictures in front of rockets (see, that was educational as well!) when not drinking at Brickskeller, house of 1,000 beers, followed by a brief visit with Mrs. Dalloway, who insisted on buying the flowers herself (that’s what servants are for!), then a pit stop for Three Cups of Tea with Greg Mortensen (a somewhat delightful read, but I’ll let you know more after I attend a speech he is giving my school and place of employment on Sunday), only to begin my whale watching expedition to locate Moby Dick.  So, yes, I’m a tad stressed.

And, apparently, the Diet Coke of nerd, as Shmathan so nicely called me in a comment on my last post.

But anyway, in an attempt to procrastinate on my reading, I felt compelled to tell you about the most amazing product out there: MonaVie’s energy drink.


Isn’t that gorgeous looking?  And, if you look closely enough, it’s HEALTHY, too!  I mean, 170 calories in 8.4 ounces!  But, it’s made of Brazilian super fruits, and every Brazilian I’ve seen is super skinny, so it must be healthy!  Delicious, too.  It tastes like a drink my bar makes, which uses regular MonaVie and is marketed as “the world’s healthiest cocktail.”  I like to fashion myself as a connoisseur of energy drinks, as I usually consume at least three or free sugar free Red Bulls, Monsters, Rockstars, or Venoms a week.  A neighbor who sells the stuff brought these MonaVies to me.  It has replaced all other energy drinks as my favorite.  It is Just. Plain. Amazing.  As I live only a two-minute walk away from a movie theatre, I drank one before seeing Julie and Julia last night, and this is where my diatribe about the wonders of this drink really kicks off.


Blessed Saints We Are Saved!
August 5, 2009

Rejoice my friends!  Open your ears and partake of my glorious news!  I know, dear readers, that we live in Dark Times.   The Twihard Hordes roam our lands unchecked, carrying with them the Sparkle Inquisition, demanding loyalty to their new religion and sacrificing unbelievers before shrines of Edward Cullen as they read from their Dark Tomes of Fanfic.  But hope, it seems, is on the horizon.  Perhaps the old divinities have strove at last to free the cowered masses from the Brooding Usurper, and now offer us the promise of salvation.  For you see, I have heard my friends a call that rang out from the heavens, with the news that there will be Twilight MMORPG.

I know your fears, gentle readers.  Will not the power of the Twihards grow even more?  Will not a Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game allow their domination of the internet to expand still farther?  Nay, friend.  Calm your mind.  For it is the nature of evil to turn upon itself, to indulge its rapacious appetite with such reckless abandon that it can at last only turn in upon itself.  And here today, the forces of Twidom have done just that, and sown the seeds of their own destruction.

For the MMORPG is a demanding mistress, as many a wizened geek will tell you.  Once begun, it cannot be cast aside lightly.  It haunts your thoughts, your dreams, subordinates all desires and needs to its whims.  It makes life nothing more than a pale shadow, a tortured existence as you continuously slave away to level up just once more or find that rare item or complete that hidden quest.  And now the foolish Twihards have sought out its powers, seeking in their zealotry to see Twidom given form.  It is a trap from whence they shall not return.

They shall come before their computers reverently, and offer their souls to the Twilight.  They shall spend their days and nights wandering the pixelated dusk as vampire or werewolf, living out the dark fancies of their twisted hearts.  And then they shall be as the living dead.  For when the might of the MMORPG is joined with that of the Brooding Usurper, an unholy power shall rise from the depths of the abyss, and bind those caught in its web for all eternity.  They shall not eat, they shall not sleep.  And no more shall they go forth into the world to spread the bile of their false doctrine.  The Sparkle Inquisition will fail, enmeshed by its own fanaticism.  And we, dear readers, will be free.

So keep the faith, friends.  Salvation is on the horizon.  And there will be much rejoicing:

Your steadfast servant,


PS-The use of the Return of the Jedi: Special Edition version of the ending theme, complete with the statue of Benji’s blogging alter ego, Emperor Palpatine, being torn down is in no way meant to suggest that Shmathan believes Benji’s blog empire is crumbling or that Shmathan intends to pull a Darth Vader and toss him into a Death Star reactor.  This week, anyway.

In Defense of Mediocrity: Musings on Carolina Liar
July 25, 2009

You may remember that back in April, Ben turned into a screaming queen over the trailer for Post Grad. One of the devious mechanisms by which this insidious preview wormed its way into our favorite cinephile’s consciousness (besides the utter deliciousness of Zach Gilford) was the overpowering pop hook of its theme.  There was some initial confusion over the title and artist of the song.  I asserted that it was “Show Me What I’m Looking For” by Carolina Liar.  Shmarker doubted my musical powers, and labeled it a Keane song.  I was right (hah!), but Shmarker was entirely justified in thinking it originated with Keane.  After all, it shamelessly aped Keane’s piano-heavy ballads and Chad Wolf seems to be painfully straining to imitate Tom Chaplin’s distinctive warble.  If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Tom must be downright charmed.

Now, the song has been popping up a lot lately.  From its humble beginnings as the backing theme to the Post Grad trailer, the song has appeared on everything from car commercials to new TV spots for The Time Traveler’s Wife, even promotions for Major League Baseball.  This certainly proves yet again that any band seeking a modicum of notoriety need only produce an un-offensive pop ballad with a catchy chorus, a 3 chord progression, and a suitably emotional tone. (more…)

Amazon dot com Blu-Ray Bliss
July 23, 2009

From Shmarker:


Yes, I own a Blu-Ray player and yes, that makes me better than those of you who don’t.  With that out of the way, I’ll begin my nerdapalooza for the day.  Today, I decided to finally order some DVDs I’ve been coveting.  The first thing in my in-box was the Battlestar Galactica Complete Series on Blu-Ray.  I got into this show last summer, when the library finally had the first disc of the miniseries available.  I had always heard only good things about this show, and while I love comic books and superheroes, the rest of the sci-fi genre was never really my forte.  However, I was curious.  Plus, Lee Adama always looked kinda hot to me:

jamie_bamber_04 (more…)

Ranting and Raving about Captain America
July 15, 2009

–from Shmarker:

“Steve Rogers has come unstuck in time.”

Captain America Reborn 1 Alex Ross

Wait, don’t you mean Billy Pilgrim?  Or the Losties?  Mr. Brubaker, what is going on?

In March, 2007, Marvel Comics did the unthinkable, with no spoilers invading the internet until after the event happened: they killed an iconic comic book and pop-culture icon, one with almost 70 years of history.  After the events of their Civil War, Marvel Comics did the ballsy thing and continued with their political allegories masquerading as “funny pages”; they made an overt political statement by killing the embodiment of “America” as a character.  2007 marked the beginning of the final stretch of a controversial presidency, and Steve Rogers acted as Marvel’s reaction.  To Marvel Comics, the notion of America was dead.

There was no hype, like when Superman “died” at the hands of Doomsday or the banner running across Batman titles, telegraphing that he would be “RIP” (but HE’S unstuck in time, too!  However, he’s just in a prehistoric cave.  He’s not shifting in time).



Oh Noes! I’ve Got a Bad Case of the Pre-Half-Blood Prince Jitters!
July 14, 2009

(It’s okay; it’s not lethal.  The one symptom to look out for, however, is prolific blog writing and subsequent abuse of your best friend’s offer to guest write for his blog.  That can be deadly!)

Hello fellow Hornerites! Welcome to my first guest column for “NPBiaH.”  I’m Parker, and I could tell you a bit about myself, but I’d rather just jump right into the proverbial fire.

In the summer of 2005, when George Lucas was wrapping up his Star Wars hot mess and four teen girls were sharing a pair of pants on the big screen, the biggest blockbuster was not in theatres across the country but rather in bookshops across the world.  No, this is not hyperbole.  This was, at the time, the largest release of a book, ever, brought to the world courtesy of one J.K. Rowling.  The penultimate book in her Harry Potter series benefited from a six-month pre-release hype, with bookstores promising to remain open until after midnight so that they could meet fans’ demand of devouring the book before anyone could possibly spoil it.  The enigmatic title (Who, or what, is the Half-Blood Prince?  What will this mean for Harry?) met speculation, along with the perennial unanswered questions that run throughout the book (Will Hermione finally snog Ron?  Will there be more Quidditch?  When will the final battle occur?  Will there be another large death in this book?  From, you know, an actual MAIN character this time?  Will Hedwig remain my favorite character, despite my hatred of birds?  Will Oliver Wood finally pop off the page and profess his love for me?).  From this point on in my review, put on your SPOILER glasses (AKA, don’t read anything after the jump if you have not read Half Blood Prince!)



From the Network that Brought You Patricidal Sex…
July 7, 2009

Shmathan is again displeased…


After learning that ABC Family is teaching a generation of young girls that having sex will kill your parents, I was curious to see what else this network had to offer America’s impressionable youth.  What I discovered enraged me. It seems that tonight the network will premier its newest “original” series, 10 Things I Hate About You; the newest pop culture abomination to make Ben’s Do Not Want list and my ever-growing catalog of Catastrophes.  I do not suffer this news gladly.


The Virtuality Catastrophe: A Failure to Launch
July 2, 2009

A post by Shmathan…

It is a matter of public record that I have a frightening obsession with deep affection for Battlestar Galactica.  The word “frak” entered my vocabulary with such regularity that my exasperated friends had to forbid its use.  I approached every situation by asking myself, “What would Starbuck do?”  I prayed every so fervently to the Lords of Kobol that I would be revealed as the Final Cylon.  When group plans are made, I always end with “So say we all.”  Consequently, my anticipation for Ron Moore’s next creative project, Virtuality, was understandably great…and he did not disappoint.

Virtuality was intended to be the pilot episode of a full series, following the lives of 12 crewmen on Earth’s first starship, the Phaeton.  The ship is on scientific mission of exploration to that takes on epic importance when it became known that Earth faces an imminent ecological disaster; suddenly, the ship’s mission to explore a new solar system offers the only hope finding a new home for humanity.  The show’s title is derived from two interesting aspects.  The first is the presence of a sophisticated virtual reality system, controlled by an 2001: A Space Odyssey-esque AI, meant to give the crew some relief from their ten-year incarceration in a rotating tin-can.  The second is the fact that the entire journey is being broadcast back to Earth as a reality tv show (complete with confessionals!).  As the show opens, we are introduced to the cast-crew of the Phaeton.  As it progresses, we watch things go terribly wrong as the moment nears in which they must choose to “Go, or no go”; to launch themselves into the void, or return home.   As a pilot it was engaging and compelling, with moments of sheer awesomeness (of near Battlestar proportions) as it offered the most tantalizing glimpses into a far-out space odyssey/psychological thriller that would have challenged the very notions of reality and perception.  Unfortunately, it is all for naught, as Fox failed to pick it up as a series; yet another example of the network’s failure to appreciate and support quality science fiction.

Spoilers, and a rant against the Fox network’s horrid priorities, ahead! (more…)

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