Archive for the ‘Rumor Mill’ Category

Lindsay Lohan Is Serving Us a White-Hot Plate of Dental Glamour
October 14, 2011

Mere nights ago, international lady of leisure, should’ve-been-Swan-Queen, and perennial tabloid critter Lindsay Lohan stepped out to an event to bring the paparazzi the sort refined elegance only a hobo corpse playing dress-up in a Forever 21 dumpster could offer. Just kidding! As usual, she looked gorgeous, so before you start trying to cast shade upon such pristinely polished beauty, let me remind you what her rep (Dina Lohan with the voice changer from the Scream movies, most likely) had to say to People:

Lindsay is widely acknowledged as one of the most stunning actresses of her day, and we get requests every week wanting to do photo shoots with her from top photographers.

She’s been on the cover of Vanity Fair and the top beauty and fashion magazines. She’s a beautiful and glamorous actress.

With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I’m going to comment on Lindsay’s teeth.

Don’t you get it, internet? She’s an actress! Never mind that her hands look like those of a street walker practicing her craft with sand paper and Sharpie markers; SHE’S READY FOR HER CLOSE-UP, MR. DEMILLE:

(more…)

Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Amateur PR Corner: On the Future of Jesse James’s Public Image
March 26, 2010

Celebrities: they’re just like us!  And if you happen to be the sort of person who can’t stand black people almost as much as you can’t get enough Nazi memorabilia or sex with lots of tattooed lady friends that aren’t your wife, then rumor has it that Jesse James is just like you!  Well, the whole banging ladies with hideous forehead tattoos part is fact, but now there are all sorts of rumors circulating that Jesse James is a white supremacist who has a Hitler surfboard.  Yikes!  When you’re already considered one of the country’s most reviled men before you’re outed as a racist and a homophobe, it’s pretty safe to say that your public image is certifiably doomed after the fact.

Now seeing as I’m neither a philanderer nor a white supremacist, I don’t have a lot of experience with this sort of situation, but one time I sat in on a PR class in undergrad, which I’m pretty sure makes me qualified to add my two cents to this situation, and I’m all but convinced that if anyone can redeem Jesse James’s public image, and it’s this guy: (more…)

Showgirls 2? There’s Going to Be a SHOWGIRLS 2?!?
October 8, 2009

Anyone who knows me or has spent any time with this blog is well aware of how I feel about a certain cinematic masterstroke:

showgirls best movie of all time ever

Sure, I imagine that every time I fall into some tangent extolling the virtues of this classic of classics, my mother rolls her eyes and wonders how I could ever love such garbage.  Garbage like this:

Based on the above clip, however, I believe the more important question is “How could you not love such garbage?”  Seriously, Showgirls, you had me at “DIFFERENT PLACES!”

Anywhosie, there’s now a rumor circulating all over the internet about a sequel to Showgirls, and though I honestly am inclined to call shenanigans, we still need to talk about this like it’s chips and nails.

(more…)

Lindsay Lohan (Allegedly) Makes Good Choices
July 9, 2009

Yesterday, a rather delectable piece of gossip hit the interwebs.  Celebitchy, which picked up the story via Page Six, reported that Lindsay Lohan refused the role of Jade, the stripper who marries Ed Helms, in The Hangover.  Yes, THE The Hangover, as in the smash summer comedy that invariably proves that nothing is cuter than babies sunglasses:

hangover baby in sunglasses

Fortunately, this summer, after many a delay, Ms. Lohan’ll be bringing us Labor Pains, her own log to contribute to the raging fire that is America’s baby craziness.  Sure, it’s not getting a theatrical release, or even a straight-to-video release (at least until later this fall), but it is getting an ABC Family world television premiere, and that HAS to be something:

Shut.  Your.  Face.  “I’m better when I’m pregnant” is an actual line in ANY movie EVER?  I will never forgive myself if I do not DVR this baby-bump-riddled train wreck because I absolutely have to see this, but I’m also quite certain that, should I watch more than five consecutive minutes at a time, my brain will be liquified by the bad idea waves irradiating out of this…this thing.

I get that they’re the station that finds drama in the possibility that any one of the perfectly timed thrusts in your incredible sex life could very well spell disaster for your parents, so I’d never actually accuse them of having things like taste or good decision making skills, but ABC Family proclaims this one of their “Original Movies” with some sort of sense of pride?  Isn’t that kinda like proudly keeping your back-alley abortion in a mason jar on your coffee table because you want it to be a conversation piece at all your cocktail parties?  This shit is bleak, and the full trailer is (impressively) even bleaker:

(more…)

The Virtuality Catastrophe: A Failure to Launch
July 2, 2009

A post by Shmathan…

It is a matter of public record that I have a frightening obsession with deep affection for Battlestar Galactica.  The word “frak” entered my vocabulary with such regularity that my exasperated friends had to forbid its use.  I approached every situation by asking myself, “What would Starbuck do?”  I prayed every so fervently to the Lords of Kobol that I would be revealed as the Final Cylon.  When group plans are made, I always end with “So say we all.”  Consequently, my anticipation for Ron Moore’s next creative project, Virtuality, was understandably great…and he did not disappoint.

Virtuality was intended to be the pilot episode of a full series, following the lives of 12 crewmen on Earth’s first starship, the Phaeton.  The ship is on scientific mission of exploration to that takes on epic importance when it became known that Earth faces an imminent ecological disaster; suddenly, the ship’s mission to explore a new solar system offers the only hope finding a new home for humanity.  The show’s title is derived from two interesting aspects.  The first is the presence of a sophisticated virtual reality system, controlled by an 2001: A Space Odyssey-esque AI, meant to give the crew some relief from their ten-year incarceration in a rotating tin-can.  The second is the fact that the entire journey is being broadcast back to Earth as a reality tv show (complete with confessionals!).  As the show opens, we are introduced to the cast-crew of the Phaeton.  As it progresses, we watch things go terribly wrong as the moment nears in which they must choose to “Go, or no go”; to launch themselves into the void, or return home.   As a pilot it was engaging and compelling, with moments of sheer awesomeness (of near Battlestar proportions) as it offered the most tantalizing glimpses into a far-out space odyssey/psychological thriller that would have challenged the very notions of reality and perception.  Unfortunately, it is all for naught, as Fox failed to pick it up as a series; yet another example of the network’s failure to appreciate and support quality science fiction.

Spoilers, and a rant against the Fox network’s horrid priorities, ahead! (more…)

When the Monster Demands a Mate, She’d Better Be Sexy!
June 18, 2009

No sooner than you could say “I bet you the Frankenstein monster just loves himself some foxy boxing,” my friend Sarah came across a bit of Hollywood casting gossip that seems to suggest that this whole Bride of Frankenstein remake might be more screwed than we think.  The producers are aiming to cast someone along the lines of Scarlett Johansson or Anne Hathaway, which is the sort of shit they always say, but still, yeesh.  I’m saying nothing against either’s talent or beauty, but be more creative, Hollywood!  This is what you’re trying to recreate:

You’re remaking an indisputable masterpiece and reenvisioning one of the most iconic characters in horror, and the best you  can think of is Anne Hathaway or Scarlett Johansson?  Ugh!  That’s the sort of braintrust brilliance we’ve got funding this movie?  Egads, it’s time to upgrade the Bad Idea Alert to DEFCON Dreadful!

The real kicker, though, is the source for this buzz, aka, the ever trustworthy New York Post, which reports:

BRIAN Grazer is remaking “The Bride of Frankenstein,” but this time, the female monster is going to be a babe. “She’ll be young. They’re looking for a person with great power and sex appeal,” a Hollywood insider told us. “Someone along the lines of Scarlett Johansson or Anne Hathaway.” In the 1935 original, the frizzy-haired bride was played by bug-eyed English actress Elsa Lanchester. The new Universal Pictures/Imagine Entertainment version, first disclosed by The Hollywood Reporter, will be helmed and co-scripted by Neil Burger, who wrote and directed “The Illusionist.”

Really?  REALLY???  The totally unwarranted jab at Elsa Lanchester’s appearance is trashy and gross, but the New York Post is trashy and gross, so that’s not shocking.  Par for the course, if anything.  But there’s still plenty to take issue with.

(more…)

If This Movie Gets Made, I’ll Combust into Rainbows and Glitter
March 23, 2009

I usually attempt to avoid Hollywood gossip as it tends to be tons of speculation and rumor mongering and only so frequently comes to fruition, but when I read this on Celebitchy, I had a moment.  A really shrill, shrieky moment of unabashed homo glee.  Ears bled. Dogs barked.  It was no good, so I worry for the world about what would happen if this news turned out to be more than just someone passing off their own two-cents on casting a Judy Garland biopic.  But, according to the Daily Mail:

Hollywood starlet Anne Hathaway is in talks to play her movie idol Judy Garland in an upcoming film based on Gerald Clarke’s biography, Get Happy: The Life of Judy Garland.

The 26-year-old actress is so desperate to appear in the movie – which charts Judy’s rise to fame and her struggle with drink and drugs – that she may have to sacrifice other projects, which include a lead role in a comedy called The Fiance.

THIS ABSOLUTELY MUST HAPPEN.  MAKE IT HAPPEN, HOLLYWOOD!  See!  I lose all control when I begin to this about the possibility of this rumor coming to fruition.

I mean, you need only watch this clip to recognize the incredibly obvious fact that Judy Garland is one fierce lady.  Seriously, watch this fierceness:

Fierce.  Fact number 765 about the homosexual community: we loooove hysterics, and those are some perfectly executed hysterics.  Now you know why the gays love her.

Also, anybody that’s watched Rachel Getting Married knows that Anne Hathaway has some serious acting chops.  Oh, and she can sing damn well:

Between the champagne-effervescence of her charm and the fact that she did self-destructive so well in Rachel Getting Married, casting her as Judy Garland is the duh of the century.  Hell, make it more than a movie.  Make it a ten-hour miniseries.  I will watch it all.  There’s no way it’d be anything less than fabulous.

Now watch this rumor turns out to be completely false and instead they cast Malin Akerman, because that’s just my (bad) luck.  Though if they use that as an opportunity to cast Carla Gugino as drunky Garland, then I just might get on board…

%d bloggers like this: