18 Questions Raised by the First Clip from Lifetime’s Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story
August 11, 2014

saved by the bell lifetime movie cast
Last Friday, Lifetime gave us our first taste of their Saved by the Bell behind-the-scenes drama, The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story. If it’s anything like makeshift Mark Paul Gosselaar’s Sun-In’ed and synthetic wig, this movie is going to be extremely cheap and terribly misguided. Seriously, just look at this…thing:

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Eat a Deviled Crab Pâté With Vermouth and Oreo Sandwich
July 21, 2011

To explain:

As an office dare, I ate a deviled crab pate with vermouth and Oreo chocolate cookie sandwich for twenty bucks. This video is my reaction.

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Kidz Bop’s “Single Ladies”: Singular Proof Kidz Bop Is Not Beyoncé
April 28, 2011

Well, the subtext here is infinitely creepier than Beyoncé’s utterly delightful “Move Your Body” (which is what the cool kids are Jazzercising to these days), and we’ve regrettably already seen this bad idea before, but at least future child brides of the world now have a sassy pop anthem all unto their own? OH, THANK GOODNESS.

Much love to Videogum for this one.

When AT&T Is Being the Worst, Christina Hendricks Once Again Reminds Us How She Is the Best
July 13, 2010

You know what’s only twelve days away?  The fourth season of Mad Men.  While that’s still twelve days too many in my book, I do manage to console myself with the reminder that at least I don’t get my cable from AT&T’s U-Verse.  According to Dealine.com, AT&T thinks AMC is “among the least-watched and most overpriced per viewer,” and as a result there’s talk that U-Verse customers might miss out on the fourth season premiere on account of AMC being dropped from U-Verse’s lineup.  This just goes to show that the only thing spottier than AT&T’s wireless service is the logic behind their cable service decisions, which is saying a lot, but I digress.  After all, when life gives you the bad-idea lemons, LA Times Magazine gives you gives you fabulous-Christina-Hendricks-profile-ade!

Seriously, it’s quite fabulous, and I could go over the highlights for you, but I wouldn’t want to ruin it for you if you haven’t already read it, even though I know you’ve already read it because you’re so good about being on top of things.  Besides, I really don’t need another sadness stroke thinking about how Christina Hendricks filmed Life as We Know It in Atlanta.  Honestly, if I had known this was happening, I would’ve flown down for an impromptu “family visit,” which would have in fact look suspiciously like that one time that kid tried to give Megan Fox a rose:

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*SPOILER ALERT*: Neve Campbell Gets a Haircut in Scream 4
June 28, 2010

It’s been a while since I’ve bothered to mention Scream 4, mostly because I don’t loathe the idea of it nearly as much as I used to.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been known to be wrong about these things before, or maybe it’s the fact that I don’t know how to say “No” to Neve Campbell, but whatever the reason, I’ve moved past the snarkily bitchy stage of Scream 4 grief and have tentatively arrived at I-sure-hope-they-don’t-f*ck-this-up, which is kinda like acceptance, except for the part where I’m still in denial about this picture Access Hollywood‘s Nancy O’Dell snapped while visiting the set of Scream 4:

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The Robot Apocalypse Will Be Bristol Palin on The Secret Life of the American Teenager
June 24, 2010

Pandemonium has struck!

ANYWAYS, the last time we checked in on ABC Family’s The Secret Life of the American Teen, dear reader and occasional contributor Shmathan brought to our attention the latest scientific findings in the dangers of incredible sex.  Since then, however, Shmathan has left left for the far more lucrative world of corporate law.  It is sad, yes, but blog life must go on.  My point is that sometimes in life, things change.  But you know what hasn’t changed?  The fact that The Secret Life of the American continues to look really terrible.  See, for example, Bristol Palin’s ACTING debut:

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The Olsen Twins Have a Serious Case of Monster Mouth, Demand: Gimme Pizza
June 23, 2010

I should warn you in advance that this video from You’re Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Sleepover Party contains the following:

  1. Terrible rapping by child actors
  2. Editing that’s completely unsuitable for epileptics, possibly the public in general

My point is this video will give you a seizure, but that shouldn’t stop you from watching it.  Just make sure your co-workers understand that you’re having an actual medical emergency and not just practicing your best Nomi Malone like you usually do.  Anywho, here’s the Olsen twins and their friends invading your brain and killing your appetite with “Gimme Pizza”:

Jesus.  Caramel coconut cream AND fish sticks?  Even I wouldn’t eat that, and that’s really saying something when you think about it.  Seriously, you need to shut down your monster mouth and think about your poor life choices if you can look at this:

And have this reaction:

olsen twin pizza reaction

That’s cute, Olsen-twin-I-will-assume-is-Mary-Kate-because-Mary-Kate-has-chosen-to-continue-on-with-her-acting-and-this-face-screams-ACTING, but that’s also completely unacceptable.  There’s only one acceptable response to your pizza:

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Happy Star Wars Day! Now Let’s All Watch This Epic Review of Attack of the Clones
May 4, 2010

True story, y’all: in my youth, I spent about as much time in my parents’ bedroom watching the classic Star Wars trilogy as I did prancing about pretending I was the star ballet dancer (affectionately nicknamed “Spotlight Spotlight Dancer”) in a production of Tchaichovsky’s The Nutcracker.  Both activities were encouraged by my parents, which–looking back–explains so very, very much about the man I am today.  That, and the one time I washed my neighborfriend’s Barbie’s hair in the bathroom sink.

ANYWAYS, as a result of of my upbringing, there aren’t many things in life that I miss quite like Carrie’s puns (it’s a homo thing), but those halycon hours I as a wee gay in spent in a galaxy far, far away most certainly are one of them (it’s a nerd thing), so it’s without reservation that I bid you all good tidings on today’s most joyous of fake holidays:

happy star wars day yoda carrie bradshaw puns

It goes without saying that this pun is like Darth Vader force choking your ear drums, so yeouch!  But it’s also a nice little way to take a moment out of your day and appreciate how Star Wars might have made your life a little better.  Or, if you’re feeling like a regular ol’ Scrooge, so much worse.  For your eyes.  And your soul.  You know exactly what I’m talking about:

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Today in Hard Hitting Questions: What’s Your Bad Idea “Bombshell” McGee Forehead Tattoo?
March 19, 2010

It was brought to my attention yesterday that there’s some surprise that Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has yet to address the human Ipecac that is Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.  Well, more specifically, the tattoo she has on her forehead.  The one that looks like this:

(a Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner artistic rendition in Photoshop excellence)

Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but for realsies: according to Terra, “Bombshell” McGee had “Pray for us sinners” tattooed on her forehead because she believes “we’re all sinners in life.”   Which perhaps explains the allegations of Nazi salutes and Swastika tattoos?

“Bombshell” McGee: Whoops, did heiling Hitler upset the kids again?

Ex-Husband: Duh.

“Bombshell” McGee: Well, I guess we’re all sinners in life.

Boo, you whore.  No, literally this time.

ANYWAYS, when this tattoo isn’t serving as a glaring example of her having all the spiritual depth of a person boneheaded enough to think tattooing “Pray for us sinners” on your forehead somehow makes you spiritually deep, it’s a fine example of a bad idea.  Like, a really bad idea.  Because it’s on your damn forehead, and only bangs can hide an embarrassment like that, which is like trying to hide the fact that you just pissed your pants at the bar by ripping a fart that could clear out a night club.  So while I’m pretty sure having a forehead tattoo automatically guarantees you a competitive spot at this year’s The Worsties, I at least think we can at least do slightly better than what we’re currently working with, so let’s all jump and see what we can come up with:

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Sandra Lee Gives Great (Yuck) Face
March 10, 2010

Look, there’s little reason in trying to tell Sandra Lee a cocktail made from lemonade, heavy cream, and vodka is a probably not a good idea.  Seriously, that woman is an unstoppable freight train of batshit craziness fueled by tablescapes and liquid delicious (booze),which is hardly a bad thing.  It’s just a thing that means she’ll have to learn this particular lesson the hard way:

I’m pretty sure the first face she makes before she even pulls the glass away from her mouth is the one that says, “This was a bad idea.”  The other three-dozen or so faces are her figuring out exactly what sort of bad idea it is.  And while I’m no professional face reader, if this “I hope no one realizes I just threw up in my mouth a little” face is any indication of the taste-bud bleakness:

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At Least the Robot Apocalypse Will Still Have Bad Community Theater
March 5, 2010

And now, from its creators, a few words on the RoboThespian:

As an actor, it is a mirror. The most difficult question you may have to answer yourself is: ‘what am I for?’ RoboThespian™ demonstrates that utility is not a prerequisite for existence, a concept familiar to the artist but alien to the engineer. ‘Necessity is the mother of invention’, a received wisdom, but necessity is not the mother of this invention, I doubt they are even related at all.

This is very true, inventors of a thing that most definitely should not exist.  I’m pretty sure a particularly embittering failed bid at Broadway stardom (aka, too many double shifts at the Times Square Red Lobster without a single call back for that chorus line spot in Carnival Cruise’s production of Seussical) and an unintentional death wish for the human race are the mother of your invention.  For realsies, nothing else explains the waking nightmare that is witnessing this…this thing in action:

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The Sex and the City 2 Teaser Trailer Is Also Everything I Imagined It Would Be
December 23, 2009

First there was the poster that looks like the marketing people behind Sex and the City 2 just don’t give a damn.  It’s pretty terrible, but terrible in a way that never gets old:

See what I mean?  You can’t put a price on something so hilariously sloppy, which makes sense because this poster looks like the vengeful wrath of an unpaid intern. 

Now we have a teaser trailer, though, and it’s becoming increasingly clear that nobody gives a damn about this movie.  I mean, just look at this lazy mess:

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The 70-Minute Star Wars: The Phantom Menace Is the Best 70 Minutes You’ll Spend All Day
December 19, 2009

I’ve never fully understood the Star Wars: The Phantom Menace backlash.  It’s damn painful in parts (mostly the parts with Jar Jar Binks or Jake Lloyd), but I’ve always been willing to allow for its (frequent) missteps as inevitable the result of George Lucas being rusty and out of touch with what made the original trilogy a cultural milestone; after all, taking twenty-some-odd years away from the story that made you famous can do that.  I’m not saying The Phantom Menace is an unheralded classic, but I am saying we’re all allowed to make mistakes, and at least those mistakes don’t involve sloppily borrowing from not one but two Ridley Scott movies.  Whoops, Attack of the Clones, that’s your bad-idea cross to bare.

Anyways, there’s now a thorough (70-minutes long) and compelling (utterly hilarious) argument for The Phantom Menace being the nadir of the series.  That may seem like too much time to commit to one nerd’s take down of a movie that wasn’t worth its own bloated running time in the first place, but it’s not:

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The Sex and the City 2 Teaser Poster Is Everything I Imagined It Would Be
December 10, 2009

I’d be lying by omission if I didn’t admit that I’ve been eagerly awaiting to board the Sex and the City 2 hate train ever since halfway through Sex and the City: The Movie when I realized that no amount of Kristin Davis’s totally amazing angry-Charlotte face would save it from being a cinematic wet fart of conspicuous consumption pornography topped with a predictable and insipid ending.  It’s what feels like eternity two-and-a-half hours of Miranda and Carrie being self-involved harpies incapable of communicating with their significant others like grown adults, Samantha acting like an even hornier drag queen than the horny drag queen she usually acts like, and all sorts of stuff coming out of Charlotte.  Like unwavering romantic optimism.  And babies.  And poop.

Seriously, for as much as I adored the series, the movie was able to inspire an inverse amount of adoration.  In other words:

Since then, I’ve had nothing but ire for the sequel, and this teaser poster is not helping:

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The Only Thing More Depressing Than Scream 4 Existing Is Scream 4 Existing AND Starring Neve Campbell
September 26, 2009

It’s been a while since thought about Scream 4, and that’s largely because it pains me to know end to think about this debacle coming to fruition.  Scream was the first R-rated horror film I was ever allowed to watch.  I lost my H-card to Scream, y’all, so the thought of Courteney Cox Arquette and David Arquette being surrounded by a CW-series worthy cast of actors and calling it Scream 4 feels somewhat akin to tracking down your high-school sweetheart only to discover they’ve gotten a cheap boob-job and are turning tricks outside a Cheesecake Factory.  You want so desperately to rekindle those old feelings, but you can’t help but feeling it’s going to be sloppy and desperate.  In the end, it’s really just best to walk away and remember the good times.  So why stop with the ostrichin’?

Well, there now comes news that Neve Campbell has joined the cast of Scream 4, which is the sort of tidbit that makes me wish Tatum was still around to dole out her sassy yet sage wisdom:

scream 4 neve campbell bad idea

Seeing as she was taken out by a rather unfortunate accident involving a doggy door and an electronic garage door opener, such advice could not be counseled.  That, and she’s also a fictional character, but whatever.  Boo.

What sucks about this development (besides Neve Campbell seeing Neve Campbell get wrangled into this train wreck) is that I now have to hoist up my white flag and admit defeat/mildly percolating interest.  If I’ve sat through Three to Tango for Neve Campbell,  then it goes without saying that I’ll be sitting through Scream 4 for Neve Campbell.  Of course they’ll probably just Casey Becker her in the first 15 minutes, but shooting doesn’t start ’til next spring, so there’s still time for this not to be the worst!  Let’s discuss.

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DO. NOT. WANT.
August 20, 2009

Really?  REALLY???

I’m not one to take much stock in a story that first emerged from a Twitter feed, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be utterly outraged by the mere thought of it.  So here are 140 characters (or less!) from Production Weekly are likely to crush your soul:

Lionsgate is developing a remake of the 1987 classic “Dirty Dancing,” from a new script by Julia Dahl.

Of course, there’s a logical and immediate reaction to this bad idea to end all other bad ideas:

dirty dancing remake

As is, this is already pretty much the most abysmal idea I’ve ever heard, and that’s not even considering about how I’m possibly biased because one of the movie’s most famous lines is directly responsible for this blog’s name.  I’m most certainly am biased, yes, but there’s also no denying that Dirty Dancing is one of the iconic pop masterpiece of the 1980s.  You really can’t top Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey dancing to “Time of My Life,” so why the hell bother trying?

Also, the Dirty Dancing remake is being scripted by the woman responsible for this:

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How Much Longer Can I Still Refuse to Believe That the Poltergeist Remake Is Happening?
August 13, 2009

Yesterday, Laura reminded me that MGM is planning to remake Tobe Hooper’s (or, if you believe the rumors, Steven Speilberg’s) 1982 masterpiece, Poltergeist.  We all know how I feel about that:

poltergeist remake bad idea

 The Poltergeist remake is the sort of thing that I’ve been desperately trying to forget for the past several years, and I had remained quite hopeful that it would remain nothing more than baseless chatter and drafts of scripts that would ultimately languish in development for all eternity.  This isn’t optimism so much as flat out denial, but I get a feeling I can’t play ostrich much longer, y’all.

As there’s no word yet from Variety, I haven’t yet been forced to slam my head against my desk in disbelief that it’s any closer to actually existing.   ShockTillYouDrop.com claims that the Poltergeist remakes set to come out on Thanksgiving of 2010, and that’s more than enough for me to start bracing for impending cinematic doom.  To borrow one of Shmathan’s favorite interweb meme phrases: It’s going to be a catastrophe!

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I Can’t Believe the News Today! Tragedy Has Struck Broadway!
August 12, 2009

Mon dieu, y’all!  Did you hear the news today about Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, the Spider-Man musical that was to be directed by Julie Taymor and has songs written by Bono and the Edge?  It’s simply terrible:

spider-man musical hiatus

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  Not an indefinite hiatus!  Damn you, recession!   You’re ruining EVERYTHING.

The New York Post has the details:

Last week, production crews at both the Hilton Theatre and the scene shop where the show was being built were put on “hiatus” because the producers ran out of money. Assistants in the scene shop “ran to the bank to cash their checks because they weren’t sure they’d clear,” a source says.

Now comes word that the actors have been released from their contracts, with no incentive (i.e., money) to hang around waiting for the production to get back on track.

While I’m rather certain Shmarker will be deeply disappointed by this news, I personally can’t say that I’m that sad.  Or even surprised.

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Things That Should Not Exist: The LEGO Movie
August 12, 2009

Well, I’ve long suspected it, but now I’ve absolutely no doubt about it:

hollywood officially the worst

I read this morning on ComingSoon.net that there’s going to be a LEGO movie.  Yes, you read that correctly: A movie based on LEGOs.  There’s an even longer piece in Variety about it, so you just know this isn’t a nightmare from which you’ll eventually awake.

I don’t even know where to begin with this bullshit, so here are some details to make you lose faith in humanity: 

Dan and Kevin Hageman are writing the script for the family comedy that will mix live action and animation. The studio is keeping the plot tightly under wraps, but it’s described as an action adventure set in a LEGO world.

Dan Lin (upcoming Shorts and Sherlock Holmes) will produce the movie through his Lin Pictures, which is also behind a Tom and Jerry film that will put the feuding animated characters in a live-action setting.

LEGO sparked to Lin and the Hageman brothers’ embrace of core values LEGO wanted to include in a film, especially “a fun factor, creativity and that imagination has no boundaries,” Lin said.

It’s ironic because the “core values” of LEGO are apparently “creativity and…imagination,” yet a movie about LEGOs suggests that creativity and imagination are more elusive to Hollywood than orgasms were to ’50s housewives.  Mad Men taught me that.

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Lindsay Lohan (Allegedly) Makes Good Choices
July 9, 2009

Yesterday, a rather delectable piece of gossip hit the interwebs.  Celebitchy, which picked up the story via Page Six, reported that Lindsay Lohan refused the role of Jade, the stripper who marries Ed Helms, in The Hangover.  Yes, THE The Hangover, as in the smash summer comedy that invariably proves that nothing is cuter than babies sunglasses:

hangover baby in sunglasses

Fortunately, this summer, after many a delay, Ms. Lohan’ll be bringing us Labor Pains, her own log to contribute to the raging fire that is America’s baby craziness.  Sure, it’s not getting a theatrical release, or even a straight-to-video release (at least until later this fall), but it is getting an ABC Family world television premiere, and that HAS to be something:

Shut.  Your.  Face.  “I’m better when I’m pregnant” is an actual line in ANY movie EVER?  I will never forgive myself if I do not DVR this baby-bump-riddled train wreck because I absolutely have to see this, but I’m also quite certain that, should I watch more than five consecutive minutes at a time, my brain will be liquified by the bad idea waves irradiating out of this…this thing.

I get that they’re the station that finds drama in the possibility that any one of the perfectly timed thrusts in your incredible sex life could very well spell disaster for your parents, so I’d never actually accuse them of having things like taste or good decision making skills, but ABC Family proclaims this one of their “Original Movies” with some sort of sense of pride?  Isn’t that kinda like proudly keeping your back-alley abortion in a mason jar on your coffee table because you want it to be a conversation piece at all your cocktail parties?  This shit is bleak, and the full trailer is (impressively) even bleaker:

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