Archive for the ‘Commercials’ Category

Scant Thoughts on Super Bowl 50
February 8, 2016

id4 resurgence super bowl football stadium

As the French would say, je ne suis pas sportif, but if I’ve got two things going for me, it’s a thirst for pop culture and a fear of missing out, so here are a few scant thoughts regarding FootBowl 50: Still a Thing!


David Hasselhoff Is Thirsty for Love in This Completely Batsh*t Commercial for Iced Coffee
July 9, 2013

cumberland farms farmhouse blend

Don’t worry, y’all! When David Hasselhoff croons in this commercial that he’s thirsty for “love,” it’s actually a super sexy double entendre for “iced coffee,” so depending on how deep your river of feelings for the Hoff runneth, you’ll only maaaybe recall that one time in Düsseldorf so many years ago when too many espresso body shots led to you and a strapping West Berlin backpacker named Hans both doing things you promised each other you’d never do again. Mostly because he liked dudes, and you liked not pegging.

But I digress.

After the jump is a commercial starring David Hasselhoff for Cumberland Farms Farmhouse blend iced coffee, which is apparently available for any size at 99¢. I’m not entirely sure, though, because my brain broke from how utterly f*cking batsh*t this thing is. It’s like somebody tried to ferment a rancid Old Spice commercial in an acid bag of coffee beans. Case in point: the above screen grab of the Hoff blowing you a kiss while holding an iced coffee and riding a jet ski. In front of dolphins. DOLPHINS. And that’s just the tip of this iced coffee crazyberg! What I’m trying to say is that you should watch this thing. It’s glorious:


April 17, 2012


Much love to Videogum for this one.

The Free Flexor For Men Is For Guys Who Like to “Exercise”
September 29, 2011

“Once you start to get that momentum swinging, it starts to go deep.”

–Another satisfied power bottom guy who likes to masturbate exercise.

Much love to Videogum for this one.


The Nina Sayers of Quizno’s Ads
March 28, 2011

They’ve used nightmare hamsters of the interwebs:

D*ck-starved oven monsters:

And, most recently, a Bette-Davis-drag-queen-lookalike who is actually just some lady channeling Bette circa Jezebel and wearing clown makeup circa Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?:

All of them have danced the dance, for sure, but who shall be Quizno’s Marketing’s Swan Queen?

Ah, yes:


Great Performances in Faye Dunaway’s Career: Faye Dunaway Eats a Hard Boiled Egg
June 21, 2010

Based on my highly sophisticated Interweb Deductive Reasoning Skillz (aka, IDRS; aka, Google search), I’ve come to the conclusion that the Parco referred to in this video is the same Parco that’s a department store in Japan; however, what Faye Dunaway peeling and eating a hard boiled egg has to do with shopping at said department store is the sort of batshit weirdness that can neither be Googled nor explained.  It can only be seen, and thankfully Joanne Casey over at I have seen the whole of the internet has indeed seen the whole of the internet (or at least the part of the internet where Faye Dunaway eats a hard boiled egg), so now we can all witness the dignified artistry and elegance that Faye Dunaway brings to hard boiled egg eating:

Obviously this comes as no surprise that Faye Dunaway has made hard boiled egg the new organic pear.  How could it be any other way?  Watching this is simply exquisite.  I mean, think about the delicate, playful way she prepares her egg for consumption; why, it’s practically feline!  Marvel at how she turns hard boiled egg appreciation into a silent epic told through pure FACE, particularly this FACE:


Hardee’s is Lowering America’s Standards in Acceptable Breakfast Items/Clever Innuendoes
June 30, 2009

Two birds, one stone.  Quite impressive, really.  Then again, Hardee’s is nothing if one thing:

hardees classiest

Do you not believe me?  Then just take a gander at their new ad for something they thus far call “biscuit holes”:

CLASSY!  I sincerely hope that these people were actually paid actors (or at least let in on this “clever” marketing “joke” in order to guide their responses); otherwise this is yet another sad day in America’s cultural and intellectual decline.

Don’t get me wrong, I get that it’s been long understood that sex sells.  But since when did we try to market a product off of anal sex jokes?  “The a-hole tastes funny”?  Really?  Yes, I would suspect that it would taste rather funny, but I also don’t think that anybody’s fish taco is tasting magically delicious, so this is just DUMB; unfortunately, it’s so much worse as well.


Orphan‘s Marketing Campaign Ages Like Fine Cheese
June 15, 2009

Some months back, I randomly stumbled upon the totally ridiculous looking trailer for Orphan,and I immediately began to wonder what the hell her secret is.  Of course, I’m equally curious as to why Vera Farmiga keeps getting saddled with Bad Seed rip-offs, and I’d love to know why Peter Sarsgaard said yes to this mess, but none of these questions can distract me from the most important fact that this movie looks ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT INSANE, and so I naturally can’t wait.  The latest TV spot is just a 30-second taste of the crazy, but–like a good cheese–things are looking ever more delicious as time goes by:

I first thought this looked more like trashy camp, and I still get tingly whenever I see Vera’s hysterics, and there’s apparently a scene where a car is driven into there house (totally awesome, but also huh?), but I’m beginning to think this movie looks to be both completely ridiculous and creepy as hell.  There’s something about the way that girl puts her homicidal bitchface on with such aplomb.  Seriously, when I see that final shot, I don’t know whether to giggle with camp glee or piss myself in terror.  After taking a good look at the poster, though, I’ve gotta go with the latter:


You Do Not Come Between Gerta and the Pink Lingerie
April 22, 2009

I mostly know of Germany through Tom Tykwer’s movies and going to an Oktoberfest years ago in Georgia, so I’ve clearly got much to learn about the Germans and their culture.  Fortunately, this ad has given me a little more insight about the land of bratwurst Rainer Werner Fassbinder, which is that apparently German women go batshit crazy for a sale:

Hot damn, German women are clearly not afraid to cut a bitch if the price is right!  Or club a bitch with her own dismembered arm, for that matter.  It’s safe to say that, in between constant trips to the emergency room, you love to go shopping with all of these German women because they’re clearly your fag hags.

I guess I can now add “They’re rather aggressive during a recession” to my list German trivia facts, which also includes bon mots of factual wisdom like “Sauerkraut is delicious” and “Germans really know a thing or two about beer.”  As the Germans would say, fantastisch.  

More importantly, though, Hollywood really needs to important this director like he’s the new German Expressionism.  He could totally expand this into a full-length feature; it’d be like Battle Royale meets Confessions of a Shopaholic.  I totally would see that opening day, and don’t even try and pretend you wouldn’t as well.

Cheers to Videogum for finding this through copyranter.

Gay Marriage with a Side of Pancakes
April 7, 2009

Hey, y’all, it’s official: Vermont’s the greatest state.  Ever.  Why?  They’ve gotten rid of those silly civil unions in favor of letting the gays actually get married!  Added to that, let’s not forget that this state is also famous for its maple syrup.  I think we all know what that means: Homo Marriage Pancake Party!  Yaaay!  

Seriously, though, until New York finally gets its act together, I’ve now decided that Vermont’s the place to go for your big gay nuptials.  I mean, perhaps it’s just me, but I don’t think there could be a better wedding reception than one consisting of breakfast foodstuffs slathered in maple syrup.  And, on top of that, you could do a themed reception!  Seriously, just base it off this completely bizarre ad for Spike TV that I found earlier today:

Your reception is sure to be wild and crazy with all those bikinis and pancakes and waffle fights.  Not only will your wedding be a little part of history, but it’ll also be the “Huh?”-vent of the century!  Everybody will ask you what the hell you were thinking, and you can simply respond, “Well, I don’t really know, but–just like my love for Theodore–it’s always felt right.”  And really, with an answer like that, all doubt shall cease, ‘cos who doesn’t love love?  Or pancakes, for that matter?

Nobody, that’s who.

Here’s a French Pop Song Devoted to Shaving Your Lady Bits
April 6, 2009

I’m really serious.  This is a real artist with a real song and a real video that’s playing in France to help sell razors specifically marketed to shave your va-jay-jay.  Thank goodness my grasp of the French language has almost completely deteriorated since graduating college; otherwise, I suspect my ear’s might start bleeding from this dance-pop ode to shaping the perfect landing strip.  Trust me, the visuals alone are insane enough to riddle your brain with questions:

Is this brilliant synergy or a sign of Western civilization’s impending cultural apocalypse?  Is the “garden party” the 21st-century version of the Tupperware Party?  Who thought this was a good idea?  Is Simone elle est bonne supposed to be the French version of Lady Gaga?  

I really have no answers.  None at all.  Although I’ll say this much: it reminds me of the time I was in the south of France for a study abroad and I thought that the waiter at a restaurant we were dining at one evening was staring me down with I-will-be-your-study-abroad-French-lover eyes.  So of course I had to send my friend over to ask what was going on.  I would have asked myself, but the Amélie-esque fantasies of him whisking me away on his moped to get croque-madames and lemon tarts at his favorite cafe had rendered me incapable of properly speaking English, let alone French.  None of this mattered, though, because wasn’t gay; he’s just French, so he gets that all the time (probably from American tourists)!  Whoopsies!

And, really, that’s the lesson of “Ma Garden Party,” y’all.  It’s just French.  French culture is so hermetically sealed from the rest of reality that any attempts to evaluate its pop culture indubitably ends in failure if you’re not sitting around sipping an espresso with a beret on your head and a baguette in your hand.  This is not a bad thing at all.  It’s just a thing that makes you frequently go “huh?”

Added to that, the high proliferation of Frenchness that is exuding from this video completely shutting down my Gaydar, so I can’t even begin to discuss the camp value of this video.  I frankly don’t understand this at all, but then again, I’m not French; I’m just gay.  Don’t worry, though, I get that all the time.

There’s No Reason for the Butterfinger Buzz to Exist
April 4, 2009

Did you know that the Butterfinger Buzz claims to be a regular Butterfing with an energy drink’s worth of caffeine in it.  They advertise it as a candy bar, and I suppose it is one in so much as that it’s a sugar-based product that is shaped like a bar and is covered with chocolate and put in a wrapper to be individually sold for consumption. I prefer to only recognize it as a sign of the apocalypse, Satan’s favorite snack, if you will.  Perhaps I’m acting like a total cranky-pants-gramps, stuck in the days where candy bars cracked you out from the sugar rush, but this “candy bar” looks beyond foul.  Who the hell wants this, this thing?

Oh, wait.  These people:

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, I get it now.  Butterfinger Buzz is for assholes who make the worst decisions while under the influence of caffeine.  These people are like the EXTREME guys from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, except they’ve replaced the satirical depiction of unacceptable behavior with thinking this behavior is hip and something we should all hope to emulate.  It’s not.  Absolutely not at all.

And the Butterfinger Buzz is also apparently useful at raves:

Yikes.  The only thing worse than terrible people are terrible people tripping balls because they ate a bad “candy bar.”

I’m at least glad I now have a new barometer for making friends, though:

Me: Have you heard about the Butterfinger Buzz?

Person I Just Met: Yeah, they’re delicious.  I had one just yesterday.

Me: Never speak to me again.

Lindsay Lohan’s the Face of Something You Do Not Want to Buy
March 20, 2009

Lindsay Lohan used to be a contender.  I mean, how can you deny the talent?  Anybody who remembers I Know Who Killed Me knows she’s the best.  At delivering the worst performances.  Seriously, though, I loved her in Mean Girls, so it saddens me to say that she’s been reduced to spokesperson for, well, something called Fornarina:

Fornarina is, according to this ad, a self-described “celebrity fashion style.”  I say self-described because that garbage looks likes something you’d find in the hooker section of a TJ Maxx.  Yikes.

This entire ad is quite simply a hot pink train wreck of disastrous proportions.  I don’t particularly understand what celebrity style would involve wearing what quite frankly appears to be–and my apologies in advance to those with delicate sensibilities–anal beads around your neck, but I’m guessing it’s pretty cheap and trashy if it employs Ms. Lohan as its spokesperson.  Seeing as she’s clearly not eating, I bet the people at Fornarina are paying her in Red Bull and cigarettes.  Breakfast of champions, that.

I’ll give her this, though: Lindsay Lohan’s now my Halloween costume idea NUMERO UNO.  All you have to do is find the sleaziest street walker outfit you can find at a Salvation Army, top it with a truly shiteous blond wig, and then you wander around your party pointing and saying inane one syllable words.  Just like Gwyneth’s clams, it couldn’t be simpler.

Cheers to Dlisted for posting this mess.

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