Archive for January, 2010

Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Timely, Responsible Reaction to the Saddest Mad Men News Ever
January 29, 2010

Even though it’s been months since Mad Men killed a piece of my soul, I’ve chosen to remain optimistic about Bryan Batt’s future with the series, but earlier this week TV Guide Magazine reported that Matthew Weiner is keeping Sterling Cooper’s prized gay out to pasture.  Even thinking about it now gives me a serious case of Paul Kinsey face:

Sure, it’s Matthew Weiner’s prerogative to do whatever he wants with Mad Men, and I implicitly trust his decisions as its showrunner, but on the other hand:

I wasn’t ready for Sal’s departure when it first happened, and I’m nowhere near ready to move beyond the denial stage of my Mad Men grief, which looks like this:

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RIP, Zelda Rubinstein
January 28, 2010

Sad news, y’all.  The AP is reporting that Zelda Rubinstein passed away yesterday at the age of 76.  Not only did she star in one of the great camp classics, Teen Witch, but she was also part of this rather fantastic AIDS awareness campaign:

But then, of course, there’s this:

And perhaps even more memorably, this:

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This Is Why We Interweb
January 27, 2010

Perhaps it’s wrong to reduce something as complex and integrated into our daily routine as the internet to something as simple as this:

But then, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

As it is so frequently with these sorts of things, much love to Videogum.

Damn You Trailer for The Good Guy! Why Must You Exploit My Weaknesses as Well?
January 26, 2010

Well, given that it was just last night that Shmathan and I made plans to make Alexis Bledel’s quarter-life-crisis romcom Post Grad the next installment in Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Ladies of Leisure series, it seems only fitting that I now stumble upon another Alexis Bledel quarter-life-crisis romcom:

And while this poster’s totally fine, I have my doubts about the plot summary from ComingSoon.net:

Ambitious young Manhattanite and urban conservationist Beth (Alexis Bledel) wants it all: a good job, good friends, and a good guy to share the city with. Of course that last one is often the trickiest of all. In the new romantic dramedy, Beth falls hard for Tommy (Scott Porter), a sexy, young Wall Street hot-shot. But just as everything seems to be falling into place, complications arise in the form of Tommy’s sensitive and handsome co-worker Daniel (Bryan Greenberg). Beth soon learns that the game of love in the big city is a lot like Wall Street – high risk, high reward and everybody has an angle.

Look, I’ve nothing against another movie about white peoples’ problems.  Like any other white person, I know what it feels like when Trader Joe’s is out of your favorite flavor of organic yogurt (it feels TERRIBLE); and I’ve heard it’s totally a Sophie’s choice when two handsome, charming, successful guys are pursuing you.  Seriously, other than by the size of their junk, how do you rationally decide?

That said, this a movie about white people with problems who are also making shit tons of money on Wall Street, and I refuse to quell my populist rage against the financial machine just because Alexis Bledel wants to play a love game.  Unless you set those rich white people problems to swoony indie pop, in which case my easily manipulated imaginary ovaries are all over that shit.

Such is The Good Guy trailer, y’all:

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My Karaoke Will Go On
January 22, 2010

Thanks to YouTube, we can all rest a little easier at night with the knowledge that important moments from our lives will remain digitally preserved for all eternity (or at least ’til they’re taken down by the suits), which is obviously a good thing.  After all, it means we can all relive that one time Celine Dion got really intense while singing the Titanic theme song at the Oscars:

Or that other time that I tried to channel Celine Dion getting really intense while singing the Titanic theme song at the Oscars, but could only manage to channel a howler monkey:

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Stefania Rotolo Is the Sara Carlson of Tilt, Whatever the Hell Tilt Is
January 21, 2010

Once, not so long ago, I discovered the ferocious dance magic of 80s Italian variety show superstar Sara Carlson, and it was fabulous.  Sure, she set an impossibly high bar by which all others must be judged (sorry, Bonnie Bianco), but Sara Carlson busts moves worth the mind-blowing paradigm shift that will force you to recalibrate your feeble understandings of reality and consciousness.  I imagine it’s like dropping acid, but without the whole mess of making your spinal fluid run backwards.    

Anyways, while we may never match the inimitable batshit insanity of Sara Carlson’s days on Al Paradise, it’s comforting to also be reminded that Italian television’s well of crazy runs deep.  Like, ridiculously deep:

The best I can tell, Tilt is some sort of disco-era dance competition, which explains why everybody’s dancing around in a discotheque straight out of 2001: A Space Odyssey.  And the Dali-meets-Magritte floating-apple backgrounds (sure).  As well as the two separate instances where Stefania Rotolo flies around on a piano (of course?).  You know, the usual imagery for a disco competition.  When you’re on angel dust.

Judging by the next clip, though, perhaps Tilt is actually a children’s variety program:

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Martha Stewart Adds Pole Dancing to Her Extensive List of Talents
January 20, 2010

Martha Stewart’s talk show films a block away from where I work.  Sometimes when I’m walking to work in the morning, I’ll pass the queue of people waiting to see a live taping, and I always tell myself I should try and get tickets for a taping, but then I never do.

So naturally, this video of Martha Stewart fills me with regret.  So much regret:

That said, just because I didn’t see this in person doesn’t mean that my reaction is any different than it is right now:

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Clever Girl
January 20, 2010

I used to think that this was the absolute pinnacle of the velociraptor meme:

As with all internet memes, I don’t understand exactly why there is a raptor meme, but I had a dinosaur obsession in my childhoood, and Jurassic Park ranks as one of 12-year-old Benjamin’s all time favorite movies (followed closely by Twister and Independence Day), so I can be okay with this.

That said, I was obviously wrong about the above image being the greatest entry in the velociraptor meme canon.  THIS is the greatest entry in the velociraptor meme canon:

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Happy Birthday, Paula Deen!
January 19, 2010

It’s no secret over here at Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner that I love me some Paula Deen like Paula Deen loves herself some butter.  And while my holiday plans to visit my deep-fried mecca (The Lady and Sons) were ultimately foiled (curses to you, unnecessarily convoluted and ambiguous process by which one ensures a table at the Lady and Sons!), she remains the Julia to my Julie.  Sure, I may not be blogging about my experience cooking Paula Deen’s recipe oeuvre (I lack the requisite ambition/willingness to have a coronary before I’m 30), but I will gladly blog about this:

Sure, it may not be playing an instrumental role in bringing French cuisine into the American household, but Paula Deen once had really hot guys in tight shirts deliver her a giant bust made ENTIRELY OUT OF BUTTER.  AND THEN SHE KISSED IT.  Et tu, Mrs. Child?

Also, only Paula Deen is capable of the following culinary crazy train:

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HAUSU!!!
January 15, 2010

Starting today, the IFC Center’s kicking off Janus Film’s nationwide tour of one of the most absolutely batshit insane and totally brilliant movies ever made:

Seriously, y’all, I don’t even want to spoil an iota of the crazy, so just watch the trailer and give yourselves a taste:

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Chloe Will Be One of My Favorite Movies of 2010 Because Duh
January 14, 2010

I need this movie to be here yesterday:

It’s not about the poster, which is basically just Amanda Seyfried giving FACE, and we all know how I feel about Amanda Seyfried, so it’s great, but I digress.  

No no, I can’t wait for Chloe because it looks like it’s going to be this year’s Obsessed (and we all know how I feel about Obsessed), but this time it’s starring Julianne Moore and gunning for a hard R-rating, so it looks even better than Obsessed, but I digress.  

My point is you need to watch the trailer because SPOILER ALERT it’s bonkers:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Guide to Making Showgirls the Best Midnight Movie Ever
January 13, 2010

Sure, we’ve been over this again and again and again, but even broken records are worth repeating every once and a while:

Honestly, it’s perfect in every way, and the only problem I’ve ever had in regarding Showgirls as the crown jewel of camp cinematic masterpieces is that it’s never achieved a Rocky-Horror-Picture-Show level of midnight movie cult status.  Rocky Horror Picture Show, with its sing-a-longs and toilet-paper-throwing and audience shout-outs, embraces full-on audience participation; on the other hand, despite being 131 minutes of bare breasts and bitchery, the Showgirls audience has always struck me as relatively demure.  

Yes, seeing Showgirls on the big screen is comparable to a religious experience, so a certain amount of reverential silence is to be expected.  That, and I WILL shove a bitch down a flight of stairs if they start talking over any of that sublime Joe Eszterhas dialogue:

But Showgirls is also the sort of cinemagic that deserves more than just the knowing laughter of camp appreciation.  No no, seeing Showgirls on the big screen should be like watching Stardust Hotel’s Goddess while tripping balls on crazy pills.  So, in honor of the IFC Center screening Showgirls as this weekend’s midnight movie, here are a few suggestions on how to make your next midnight movie screening of Showgirls something extraordinary:

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Things That Should Not Exist: The TrueCompanion Sex Robot
January 11, 2010

In life, it’s one sexually icky and utterly terrifying portent of the robot apocalypse to dress a robot up in a schoolgirl outfit and program her with some rudimentary dance moves; however, it’s a whole new bag of nightmares when you’ve created an anatomically correct ladybot with five separate sexy personalities for “companionship”:

On one hand, the only thing worse than the robot apocalypse happening is the knowledge that the robot apocalypse will demand mustache rides as part of human enslavement.

On the other hand, silver linings, y’all:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Nicknames
January 7, 2010

The simple reality of Jersey Shore is that, so long as you don’t think too hard about, everything about Jersey Shore is completely amazing, so it should go without saying that the nicknames are just another part of the equation.  That said, not all Jersey Shore nicknames are created equal.  

Take, for example, “Snooki” and “The Situation”:

Snooki’s actual name is Nicole.  If etymology is the evolution of language, then getting from Nicole to Snooki is the linguistic equivalent of a tabby cat giving birth to a duck-billed platypus.  Mike, on the other hand, calls his abs “The Situation,” and then sometimes he calls himself “The Situation,” which I suspect is less about about nicknames and more about his abs becoming self-aware, much like Skynet.  One nickname’s a freak of nature, and the other’s a sentient robot.  Both are signs of the Apocalypse.  

ANYWAYS, even though I was actually made aware of this a few weeks ago, we need to discuss the fact that there’s a Jersey Shore nickname generator.  Well, more pointedly, we need to discuss the fact that THIS is my nickname:

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Mad Men Season Three to Hit DVD in March. SQUEEE!s Abound
January 6, 2010

We may have just wrapped up with the holidays, but apparently everyone’s favorite non-denominational winter holiday has put on its best vintage suit with matching fedora, poured itself a late-morning Scotch, lit up a Lucky Strike, and come ridiculously early!  No no, hipsters have not overtaken the nation’s IHOPs for hangover-fueled yet nonetheless ironic feasts of All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes (though you’d better believe they knew All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes before All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes were big).  Rather, AMC’s Mad Men blog has already announced that season three of Mad Men is out on DVD March 23rd!  SQUEEE!

Of course, there’s really only one appropriate reaction to such glorious news:

Given how season two didn’t come out ’til the middle of last July, getting more Mad Men on DVD so soon certainly comes as a surprise, but that’s not a bad surprise.  Just a surprise that’s going to have me breathing into a paper bag for the next several minutes. 

Think I’m overreacting?  Just check out this box art hotness, but make sure you’ve got your own paper bag handy.  ‘Cos, you know, vapors:

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Welcome to 2010! Now Here’s a Lesson in How to Catfight Like a Lady
January 5, 2010

Happy new year/decade, y’all!  Seeing as it’s now January 5th, we should obviously file this under my inimitable sense of blog timeliness, but can you blame me?  You’d be taking your sweet time getting back into the swing of things if you were missing the following deliciousness like the desert misses the rain:

Brokeback Mountain jokes are still relevant in 2010, right?  Whatever.  Between the chicken biscuits and that damn Polynesian sauce that they inexplicably insist on calling Polynesian sauce because I guess that’s less culturally insensitive than “Sweet and Sour sauce” (?), I’m already trying to figure out how I get myself to Paramus, New Jersey just so I can get myself another Chick-fil-A fix.  Don’t judge me.

ANYWAYS, now that we’re back in action, I think it’s appropriate that we discuss the human train wreck that is season four of Bad Girls Club because I just got caught up this weekend.  And because this catfight is the classiest thing I’ve seen in ages:

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