The night before Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice came out, two of my friends tagged me in separate Facebook posts linking to a review from Ars Technica declaring BvS “the Showgirls of superhero films.” Knowing my friends know me so well is deeply touching, and since somebody mentioned Showgirls, I was undeniably intrigued despite my better judgment.
Sure, I had a feeling this review couldn’t be trusted, because it mentioned Sex in the City 2, not Sex and the City 2, and that’s a straight man’s mistake when talking about a gay man’s sensibility. Still, I figured I had to approve or disprove the comparison to the Greatest Movie of All Time, so I saw it Saturday morning, and to quote Nomi Malone, “It’s a Versayce You don’t know sh*t!” Batman v. Superman: Definitely Not Showgirls is definitely not the Showgirls of superhero movies, or of that matter anything.
As someone who has built a blog out of desperate, threadbare references to Showgirls, I’m always thrilled when I come across someone else making a tenuous connection to Nomi Malone and Co. They’re doing Goddess work, really.
So imagine my slackjawed joy when I found this video of Taylor Swift giving Nomi Malone chills in spades. It’s short, sweet, and depending upon your office’s policy on very blurry yet technically bare breasts, arguably NSFW, so kindly remind your boss this is where High Art meets Explosive Journalism, and please watch this Very Important Video after the jump:
In case you missed it (and you know I missed it), Donald Trump took a moment out of last night’s Republican Debate on Fox News to talk about his penis, which he guarantees “there’s no problem.” This all came about, mind you, after Marco Rubio apparently made a comment about Donald Trump having small hands, which he inferred meant other things were small, too. I see you, Rubio, you shady queen. The crowd ate it up like it was an all-you-can-eat sausage buffet, which I guess makes the Republican constituency a Samantha. Dickalicious, indeed.
Since I only understand things in terms of Showgirls references, I did a Google search for the line “She looks better than a ten inch dick and you know it.” I’d have settled for a GIF of Henrietta Bazoom to drop into this post, but instead I found the safe-for-work image results of a whole lotta not-Showgirls and lo-and-behold I sh*t you not our two new friends:
After I produced my Photoshop masterpiece, Nomi Malone: MTA Enthusiast, it was only a matter of time before I asked myself, What comes after greatness? Since it’s all creatively downhill after you photoshop a stripper on the subway, I figured why not try and contribute to internet meme-dom with an entire series of Nomi Malone licking things—a No-meme Malone, if you will. After all, even Icarus needed something to do during the fall.
So ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, my first round of contributions to Nomi Malone Licking Things. Things like…
Gothamist recently reported that, according to Weill Cornell Medical College’s Dr. Chris Mason, “you’d probably be fine” from licking a subway pole. This is excellent news for germaphobic pole fetishists and the perfect excuse to me photoshop the above beauty into existence! What time is it? IT’S SHOW(girls)TIME!
Even if every generation gets the dress controversy that it deserves, this dress ain’t from Versayce (you know, in the Forum?), so I fail to see what all the fuss is about.
The “problem” with being a pathological Showgirls obsessive with a blog (such as myself) is that you don’t get very many legitimate reasons to write about Showgirls. We don’t live in a world that finds new ways on the daily to celebrate Paul Verhoeven’s timeless gesamtkunstwerk (I know, UNFORTUNATELY), so mostly you’re left making Showgirls references. Lots…and lots…of Showgirls references. It’s a charmed life, for sure, but one perhaps grasping (if not gasping) for relevance.
So it’s definitely a day for celebration when the good folks at CinemaSins make an “Everything Wrong With” video about the greatest thing to happen to the cinema since Mary Pickford sliced bread! Hooray, Showgirls is relevant again! (“Manage your expectations, queen” – Everybody else.)
You know, Jimmy Fallon has been trying to make this Saved by the Bell reunion happen since 2009, so I sincerely tip my hat to him for pulling this off. But, like I’ve been saying since 2009, what we really need is a Showgirls reunion, and this Saved by the Bell reunion is definitely not a Showgirls reunion. This is like The Worst Cat of Showgirls reunions. (Actually, Where’s Cristal? Where’s Molly? Where’s Hope/Penny?!?
Whatever. At least there’s a Showgirls reference, which is great. And then there’s Elizabeth Berkley’s reaction to said Showgirls reference, which is better than a ten-inch d*** and you know it:
Can you believe it’s been six years since I started this blog? Where does the time go? What do the next six years have in store? And does this mean my blog’s getting to old for that whorey look? Well, this blog ain’t called “Questions”, but since I rhetorically asked, answers are after the jump:
Last Friday, Lifetime gave us our first taste of their Saved by the Bell behind-the-scenes drama, The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story. If it’s anything like makeshift Mark Paul Gosselaar’s Sun-In’ed and synthetic wig, this movie is going to be extremely cheap and terribly misguided. Seriously, just look at this…thing:
What? Wait. What?!? I mean, if you haven’t met Purity Bear before, please do treat yourself by watching it here. All done? Good. Now, if I may reiterate: WHAT?!?!?
Doesn’t their mutual awkwardness indicate they’ve only gone on maybe a handful of dates, if not their first? (Because it couldn’t be an obvious lack of acting talent. No. Never.) And yet he’s already declaring his love for her?!? Forget him using your pizza box, lady. He’s going to stalk you ’til you’ve got enough fodder for a gripping Lifetime movie! Girlfriend, YOU IN DANGER!
It’s been three whole years since I first broke blog ground (with a post about Worcestershire sauce, no less), so it seems only necessary to mark this most special occasion with a video about both the history and making of Worcestershire sauce. It’s as fascinating as much as it now makes perfect sense why I love the stuff. Old things and onions and garlic and tamarind and a secret blend of spices? How very all-my-favorite-flavors-I-love-meets-the-Colonel’s-Kentucky-Fried-Chicken. PUT IT IN MY MOUTH, PLEASE!
And look, if Worcestershire sauce isn’t your thing (though why wouldn’t it be?), there’s also cake! A very special GIF cake I made to mark the day, no less:
If you told me that the guy above could go from hot bearded hipster gay (heyyyy) to the ravishing bitch and all-around rolemodel below:
My second response would be “I call your bluff.” (My first response would be “DON’T TOUCH THAT BEARD!!!”) I’m hardly saying it’d be impossible, but it’ll definitely take commitment. My clown lesbian fright drag Liza Minnelli is proof positive, y’all.
ANYWAYS, here’s a video of said bluff being called. It’s kinda NSFW on account of all the boobs, but this Showgirls we’re talking about, so tell your boss it’s ART. “A Long Day’s Journey Into Cristal Connors”:
Since one corner of the interwebs is quite simply not enough for all these Showgirls references, now there’s another. So leave your inhibitions at the door. (OBVIOUSLY.) No need to thank me. You’re already welcome.
You might be wondering what in the what is going on in the above amuse-bouche for your eyeballs. Don’t worry. Tending to this little corner of the interwebs means I get that a lot. Anyways, if I told you it was part of an opening number to the 80s Italian variety television show (and home to the inimitably batshit crazy, transcendentally dazzling dance stylings of Sara Carlson) Al Paradiso, would that be enough to entice you to entice you to watch what magic lies ahead after the jump? Or that Elisa Scarrone’s “The Jungle Law” is the most flamboyantly gay/European circus-themed event this side of a White Party inspired by a Siegfried & Roy show as interpreted by a K-hole? If that’s not enough to get your bouche amused, y’all, I don’t know what is, so let’s all sit down and watch Elisa Scarrone perform “The Jungle Law.”
Now don’t let this picture fool you. The video after the jump of two strippers shouting profanities and beating the crap out of each other most certainly lacks the glamour of my above “artistic”interpretation. Also, unlike a certain movie I just can’t stop talking about, everybody manages to keep all their clothes on (well, all of their clothes being relative to the fact that they–strippers–often aren’t wearing any, but I digress), the fight does not erupt when someone is accused of f*cking the meter reader, and nobody ends up getting shoved down a flight of stairs. I know, I know:
Regardless of such shortcomings, though, this stripper catfight is still totally worth watching because have you ever heard of a catfight that’s not worth watching? I don’t think so. Anywho, it’s Friday, and we’ve all put in a hard week’s work, so let’s all sit back and enjoy the delicate beauty and irrepressible classiness of two strippers fighting: (more…)
Canonical Status: Move the f*ck over, Countess Luann. Sure, I might not have the Art History cred necessary to recap an episode Bravo’s Work of Art, but I’m pretty certain this here’s a new contender for the Single Greatest Artistic Achievement of the 21st Century. Rarely has the world’s most pristine whore/dancer/muse been rendered more scrumptious than a stripper pole. Also, it doesn’t suck, which the same can’t be said that burrito your roommate bought you to celebrate you buying a dress from Versayce Versace. Whatever. The point is that you can’t stop putting things in your mouth (that’s what she said), and you CAN put this in your mouth once you’re done putting its gorgeousness in your face. Like I said, Single Greatest Artistic Achievement of the 21st Century.
Though as always, Showgirls remains the Single Greatest Artistic Achievement of All Time. Isn’t that right, long-irrelevant internet meme?
Ladies and ladyboys and the few yet faithful, wipe away your tears of boredom and put on your favorite pair of howlin’ pants, because we (and by we, I mean me) are back in blog action, and this time it’s personal. Or, at the very least, with greater posting frequency. And more restraint with the incessant Showgirls references.
Haha, just kidding! I WILL NEVER STOP WITH THE INCESSANT SHOWGIRLS REFERENCES.
Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner 
