Move That Cone! It’s Lindsay Lohan’s Esurance Commercial!
February 2, 2015

lindsay lohan liz & dick so bored gif

If you ask me, the Super Bowl was Super Blah. Katy Perry was serviceable if not particularly spectacular, football continues to baffle and bore, and Russell Wilson didn’t ask me to be his boyfriend. In a GIF, I was bored. I was so bored.

There was one highlight last night, though, and that was this Esurance commercial starring Lindsay Lohan:

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The Latest Lindsay Lohan Mugshot Is the Best Lindsay Lohan Mugshot
March 20, 2013


lindsaylohanmugshot2013

As we’ve all probably heard, Fornarina fashionista and coulda-shoulda Black Swan queen Lindsay Lohan opted for 90 days in lockdown rehab after pleading “no contest” to reckless driving and lying to the cops. This is why you’re being served some hardened-prison-bitch realness right now. (That cocked eyebrow is killing it…with a shank.) ANYWAYS, I’m convinced this is Lindsay Lohan’s best mugshot, so let’s discuss why:

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This Liz & Dick GIF Is Everything
November 28, 2012

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then this GIF is worth a thousand, flawless white diamonds. Or, better still, a thousand bottles of the flawlessly scented White Diamonds! ELIZABLOHAN, HOW MANY GIFS DID YOU TAKE?!? (*SPOILER ALERT!*: Just this one.) This GIF is my  absolute everything, y’all. LIZ & DICK “I’m so bored!” GIF back and forth 4EVA!!!

Much love to The TV Screen by way of Videogum for this one.

Lindsay Lohan Is Serving Us a White-Hot Plate of Dental Glamour
October 14, 2011

Mere nights ago, international lady of leisure, should’ve-been-Swan-Queen, and perennial tabloid critter Lindsay Lohan stepped out to an event to bring the paparazzi the sort refined elegance only a hobo corpse playing dress-up in a Forever 21 dumpster could offer. Just kidding! As usual, she looked gorgeous, so before you start trying to cast shade upon such pristinely polished beauty, let me remind you what her rep (Dina Lohan with the voice changer from the Scream movies, most likely) had to say to People:

Lindsay is widely acknowledged as one of the most stunning actresses of her day, and we get requests every week wanting to do photo shoots with her from top photographers.

She’s been on the cover of Vanity Fair and the top beauty and fashion magazines. She’s a beautiful and glamorous actress.

With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I’m going to comment on Lindsay’s teeth.

Don’t you get it, internet? She’s an actress! Never mind that her hands look like those of a street walker practicing her craft with sand paper and Sharpie markers; SHE’S READY FOR HER CLOSE-UP, MR. DEMILLE:

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Lindsay Lohan Could (Should?) Have Been the Swan Queen!
July 15, 2011

Well, well, well. The gossip world’s abuzz with claims that perennial tabloid critter and one-time Nina Sayers of Quiznos ads, Lindsay Lohan, may have a chip on her shoulder for never getting so much as a casting call for Black Swan. Obviously a story this good demands some equally grand ‘n glorious Photoshopping, so here you go:

Long story short, Us Weekly reports that Lindsay Lohan apparently flew down for a photo shoot and interview with Plum Miami Magazine, and when she proceeded to back out of the interview, writer Jacquelynn Powers went ahead with a story chronicling both Lindsay Lohan’s eloquence (“Move that cone. I’m Lindsay Lohan.”) and perceived career slights:

Frustrated with the state of her career, Lohan said she “took ballet until she was 19 and was indignant that she was not considered for the movie Black Swan,” Powers adds.

For such bravery in the face of Dina Lohan’s inevitable wrath, I do believe Ms. Powers deserves a “Bitch, you bold!” AND a gold star, y’all.

You know, there used to be a time when we’d hear stories about the roles Lindsay Lohan refused to take or speculate about possible Lohan-related video games, but now it’s stories about roles Lindsay Lohan believes she should have been (but wasn’t even) offered? I mean, I’m happy that she’s got as firm a grasp on reality as Natalie Portman did during that one scene in Black Swan when Mila Kunis took a swan dive into her smiling snatch (terrible pun and a Showgirls line grab! + +!), but why does the gossip world have to tease us so? Black Swan brilliance mixed with the sort of bravura acting last witnessed in I Know Who Killed Me? Obviously we need more Photoshopping to imagine how this better, batsh*ttier Black Swan Version 2.OMGWANT!!! could’ve ended:

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The Nina Sayers of Quizno’s Ads
March 28, 2011

They’ve used nightmare hamsters of the interwebs:

D*ck-starved oven monsters:

And, most recently, a Bette-Davis-drag-queen-lookalike who is actually just some lady channeling Bette circa Jezebel and wearing clown makeup circa Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?:

All of them have danced the dance, for sure, but who shall be Quizno’s Marketing’s Swan Queen?

Ah, yes:

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Today’s Fabulous Image(s) in Cinema: Julia Ormond in I Know Who Killed Me
July 27, 2010

I don’t know what persuaded Julia Ormond to get on board the Hot Mess Express and play Lindsay Lohan’s mother in the thriller/slasher/torture porn/masterpiece that is I Know Who Killed, but I do know I’m forever happy she did.  Without her commitment to the craft, the line “This is Mr. Jervis” would be a line about a teddy bear like any other; instead, Julia Ormond makes it one of the most dazzling, mind-bogglingly bizarre things I’ve ever seen committed to film.  I mean, what in the world is she doing with her voice?  And what’s going on with her face?  No, seriously:

Pure FACE poetry is what’s going on with her face, y’all.

Sure, it’s all too easy to take a line delivered to the girl you believe is your only daughter–the daughter who’s been abducted by a serial killer, lost portions of her arm and leg through a brutal amputation process that involves dry ice and blue glass surgical utensils (don’t ask), and somehow managed to escape–like a she’s just gone through a serious trauma (so, you know, like a normal person), but it takes a special caliber of actor to play that line like you’re in the midst of an exorcism, and that caliber is BRILLIANT.  Lindsay Lohan’s reaction shot pretty much sums it up:

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Since There’ll Be a Mean Girls Video Game, Here’re Some Other Games That Would Be Totally Fetch
April 13, 2010

When I first found out yesterday that this was happening:

I totally Bill Hader-ed at work:

Sure, my co-worker was not a fan, and I guess it was embarrassing, but not nearly as embarrassing as taking six years to capitalize on the obviously lucrative market for video game adaptations of Mean Girls and things tangentially related to Mean Girls.  Of course, neither compares to the shame of being the one star of Mean Girls whose notoriously public career implosion most likely resulted in him/her being left off the video game box art for fear of their presence damaging sales (HINT: NOT THE WIDE-SET VAGINA GIRL), but that’s neither here nor there.

My point is that if there’s one thing that gays love, it’s dick spending money on things they don’t need; and if there’s another thing that they love, it’s sucking dick while watching Mean Girls.  A Mean Girls video game just makes sense.  Sure, six years isn’t exactly striking while the iron’s hot, but gays don’t mind when things don’t age gracefully (See: Xanadu, which only grows more camp with each passing day.  See also: Madonna).

ANYWAYS, this can only be the beginning of the Video Games Renaissance (for games based on Mean Girls and things tangentially related to Mean Girls), so let’s take a peek at some other other games we can expect in the future:

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Lindsay Lohan (Allegedly) Makes Good Choices
July 9, 2009

Yesterday, a rather delectable piece of gossip hit the interwebs.  Celebitchy, which picked up the story via Page Six, reported that Lindsay Lohan refused the role of Jade, the stripper who marries Ed Helms, in The Hangover.  Yes, THE The Hangover, as in the smash summer comedy that invariably proves that nothing is cuter than babies sunglasses:

hangover baby in sunglasses

Fortunately, this summer, after many a delay, Ms. Lohan’ll be bringing us Labor Pains, her own log to contribute to the raging fire that is America’s baby craziness.  Sure, it’s not getting a theatrical release, or even a straight-to-video release (at least until later this fall), but it is getting an ABC Family world television premiere, and that HAS to be something:

Shut.  Your.  Face.  “I’m better when I’m pregnant” is an actual line in ANY movie EVER?  I will never forgive myself if I do not DVR this baby-bump-riddled train wreck because I absolutely have to see this, but I’m also quite certain that, should I watch more than five consecutive minutes at a time, my brain will be liquified by the bad idea waves irradiating out of this…this thing.

I get that they’re the station that finds drama in the possibility that any one of the perfectly timed thrusts in your incredible sex life could very well spell disaster for your parents, so I’d never actually accuse them of having things like taste or good decision making skills, but ABC Family proclaims this one of their “Original Movies” with some sort of sense of pride?  Isn’t that kinda like proudly keeping your back-alley abortion in a mason jar on your coffee table because you want it to be a conversation piece at all your cocktail parties?  This shit is bleak, and the full trailer is (impressively) even bleaker:

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Today is a Sad Day: Lindsay Lohan’s Career is Pretty Much Dead
April 14, 2009

Do you remember the halcyon spring of 2004 when a glorious teen comedy brought a sparkling and perky teen starlet’s freckled face into our life?  Of course you do!  How can you forget Mean Girls?  Wait, you kinda have, you say?  Why?  Was it the infamous coke-pants?  The multiple stints in rehab?  Or perhaps I Know Who Killed Me?  Maybe the (not really at all) shocking lesbian relationship?  Was it Fornarina?  Okay, fine, I guess it’s easier to overshadow Lindsay Lohan’s early potential nearly five year’s down the road, but I dare you to watch this and try and tell me that–at one point–you didn’t think Lindsay Lohan was the cutest:

So much cuteness, but it now seems so bittersweet.  Even the few brief minutes of the trailer remind me of the sweet scent that was her seemingly promising career; now, though, you vaguely suspect that Lindsay Lohan’s career just smells like cigarettes and train wrecks.  And, judging by this Funny or Die video that’s been making its rounds on the internet today, she likely smells of desperation as well:

[UPDATE (7/9/09): The YouTube version of this clip has been yanked, but the link above to Funny or Die still takes you straight to this train wreck of a “comedy” video]

Oh, HAHAHA, she’s capable of poking fun at herself!  Self-deprecating celebrities are just like us!  This is soooo hysterical, y’all!  Except that this is actually just uncomfortably sad.  Not because we’re cruelly picking on a young ingenue who is without fault (because, to be fair, she has many, and they’ve unfortunately brought her to this current place); no, this video is pathetic because this is what it looks like when celebrity culture consumes someone whole.

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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Only Grows More Absurd With Every Passing Day
April 2, 2009

I’ll never in a million, bajillion years make an argument claiming that what Michael Bay does behind a movie camera can be called art; I’ll leave that to Criterion.  I will, however, always been willing to make the argument for Michael Bay as the Grand Poobah of Blowing Shit Up.  Plot frequently takes the back seat to absurdly choreographed, incoherently edited action sequences.  Of his oeuvre, Transformers is indubitably his masterpiece of exploding batshit insanity.  Any movie that involves giant robots blowing things up, screaming their names whenever possible, and peeing on John Turturro doesn’t even care to masquerade as a coherent narrative operating in a world governed by logical thought; it just wants to be the best at being awesome.  Mission accomplished, Mr. Bay.  

Now we have Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen heading to theaters this summer, and even the trailer shows off that Michael Bay obviously directed this movie in the most finely tailored pair of haute couture crazy pants that the world has to offer:

The distinct lack of any suggestion of a plot beyond robots fighting each other makes me think this is an extended teaser trailer, and the fact that Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox even speak dialogue in this thing just seems distracting and counterproductive to the goal of showing shit blow up.  There’ll be a (paper-thin) plot in this movie, but right now we’re just getting our appetites whet.  Of course, this trailer could also be indicative of the amount of plot the movie will feature; after all, do we really need narrative justification to put some totally ridiculous robot-on-robot fighting on screen?  Hell no, audience!  What do you do Michael Bay is?  French???

The latest news only further confirms that plot is likely not high on the agenda.

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Lindsay Lohan’s the Face of Something You Do Not Want to Buy
March 20, 2009

Lindsay Lohan used to be a contender.  I mean, how can you deny the talent?  Anybody who remembers I Know Who Killed Me knows she’s the best.  At delivering the worst performances.  Seriously, though, I loved her in Mean Girls, so it saddens me to say that she’s been reduced to spokesperson for, well, something called Fornarina:

Fornarina is, according to this ad, a self-described “celebrity fashion style.”  I say self-described because that garbage looks likes something you’d find in the hooker section of a TJ Maxx.  Yikes.

This entire ad is quite simply a hot pink train wreck of disastrous proportions.  I don’t particularly understand what celebrity style would involve wearing what quite frankly appears to be–and my apologies in advance to those with delicate sensibilities–anal beads around your neck, but I’m guessing it’s pretty cheap and trashy if it employs Ms. Lohan as its spokesperson.  Seeing as she’s clearly not eating, I bet the people at Fornarina are paying her in Red Bull and cigarettes.  Breakfast of champions, that.

I’ll give her this, though: Lindsay Lohan’s now my Halloween costume idea NUMERO UNO.  All you have to do is find the sleaziest street walker outfit you can find at a Salvation Army, top it with a truly shiteous blond wig, and then you wander around your party pointing and saying inane one syllable words.  Just like Gwyneth’s clams, it couldn’t be simpler.

Cheers to Dlisted for posting this mess.

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