It’s Valentine’s Day, So Here’s a Brief Scene from The Night Porter
February 14, 2015

THE NIGHT PORTER - American Poster with reviews

BDSM is so hot right now, so in honor of Valentine’s Day and other less than conventional sexual power dynamics, here’s a brief scene from Liliana Cavani’s The Night Porter, which was the Fifty Shades of Grey of mid-seventies art house cinema:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Catch-Up Corner: I’m the Most Excited for Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch
August 11, 2010

It’s been over a year since I last threw on my gay claws and tippity-typed up a frothing homo frenzy about Sucker Punch, Zack Snyder’s live action follow-up to Watchmen, and so much has happened since then, y’all.  Carla Gugino helped unleash the candy-colored Kraken of camp that is Women in Trouble, and Zack Snyder made an animated family film about owls:

One of these makes me cackle because it’s fabulous, and the other makes me cackle because my brain cannot comprehend that it’s a thing that actually exists.  You’re welcome to try and figure out which one’s which, but please, don’t strain yourself.

ANYWAYS, more important than any of that stuff tangentially related to my Sucker Punch anticipation is the fact that the teaser phase of marketing has finally kicked-off.  This explains why we’ve now got six character-based teaser posters over at the film’s official website.  There’s one for Emily Browning as Baby Doll:

One for Jamie Chung as Amber:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Amateur PR Corner: On the Future of Jesse James’s Public Image
March 26, 2010

Celebrities: they’re just like us!  And if you happen to be the sort of person who can’t stand black people almost as much as you can’t get enough Nazi memorabilia or sex with lots of tattooed lady friends that aren’t your wife, then rumor has it that Jesse James is just like you!  Well, the whole banging ladies with hideous forehead tattoos part is fact, but now there are all sorts of rumors circulating that Jesse James is a white supremacist who has a Hitler surfboard.  Yikes!  When you’re already considered one of the country’s most reviled men before you’re outed as a racist and a homophobe, it’s pretty safe to say that your public image is certifiably doomed after the fact.

Now seeing as I’m neither a philanderer nor a white supremacist, I don’t have a lot of experience with this sort of situation, but one time I sat in on a PR class in undergrad, which I’m pretty sure makes me qualified to add my two cents to this situation, and I’m all but convinced that if anyone can redeem Jesse James’s public image, and it’s this guy: (more…)

Today in Hard Hitting Questions: What’s Your Bad Idea “Bombshell” McGee Forehead Tattoo?
March 19, 2010

It was brought to my attention yesterday that there’s some surprise that Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has yet to address the human Ipecac that is Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.  Well, more specifically, the tattoo she has on her forehead.  The one that looks like this:

(a Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner artistic rendition in Photoshop excellence)

Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but for realsies: according to Terra, “Bombshell” McGee had “Pray for us sinners” tattooed on her forehead because she believes “we’re all sinners in life.”   Which perhaps explains the allegations of Nazi salutes and Swastika tattoos?

“Bombshell” McGee: Whoops, did heiling Hitler upset the kids again?

Ex-Husband: Duh.

“Bombshell” McGee: Well, I guess we’re all sinners in life.

Boo, you whore.  No, literally this time.

ANYWAYS, when this tattoo isn’t serving as a glaring example of her having all the spiritual depth of a person boneheaded enough to think tattooing “Pray for us sinners” on your forehead somehow makes you spiritually deep, it’s a fine example of a bad idea.  Like, a really bad idea.  Because it’s on your damn forehead, and only bangs can hide an embarrassment like that, which is like trying to hide the fact that you just pissed your pants at the bar by ripping a fart that could clear out a night club.  So while I’m pretty sure having a forehead tattoo automatically guarantees you a competitive spot at this year’s The Worsties, I at least think we can at least do slightly better than what we’re currently working with, so let’s all jump and see what we can come up with:

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Barney Frank Makes America’s Crazies Infinitely More Fun
August 19, 2009

I hate to drop the class bomb on you so unexpectedly, but this woman’s outfit is killing me with its incredible classiness:

class bomb

Nothing says “I am capable of making a well reasoned argument that legitimizes the hyperbolic comparison of a Fascist dictator responsible for ordering the deaths of millions with a President pushing for health care reform” quite like an exposed bra and cut sleeves.  Really, without the cut sleeves and the Flashdance-esque collar, I’m pretty sure I’d just write this woman off as a total crazy.  Actually, I’m pretty sure she’s still a total crazy for wearing such a ridiculous shirt with an infinitely more ridiculous political message, but at least you can spot it from a mile away with that outfit.

This other woman looks well put together and quite sane; however, the second she opens her mount, she puts all doubts to rest:

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What Do We Learn From Watching Frontier(s)? Horror is Not a Strong Suit of Contemporary French Cinema
May 18, 2009

I’m not entirely certain who’s trying to make French horror the next big thing, but I really hope they get it out of there system, ‘cos they need to quit it like a bad habit.  Don’t get me wrong.  The French have got an incredible cuisine and a rich film history, so they’ve done everything right in my book.  Hell, they even gave us the wonderfully creepy and surreal Eyes Without a Face, so it’s not that the French are simply incapable of making any decent entries in the genre.  That doesn’t stop Frontier(s), though, from being a near disgrace to both its genre and nation.  It’s seriously, totally stupid.

frontiers dumb

It should, of course, be noted that Frontier(s) isn’t even the first misstep the French have recently taken in trying to develop their own take on the horror genre.  High Tension was stupid and had the most shenanigansiest (and misogynistic and homophobic) ending of all time, and Inside had a preposterously ridiculous final act and an entirely different (yet nevertheless problematic) set of gender politics.  Now, having seen Frontier(s), I feel relatively confident in concluding that one of contemporary French horror’s defining traits is an obligation to plummet into the depths of absurdity in their final act.  Fortunately (?) for Frontier(s), director Xavier Gens is clearly an aspiring auteur, so he logically ups the ante by starting at ridiculous and then descending into batshit insanity and ham-fisted “political” commentary.  Or, in the simply words of the interwebs: HORROR MOVIE FAIL, Monsieur Gens.

The plot in Frontier(s) involves four Middle Eastern French youths fleeing Paris with a bunch of money they stole during riots that occurred over the election of a conservative President Nicolas Sarkozy.  They’re Middle Eastern because that’s how this movie discusses racial issues in France, which is by not actually saying anything at all beyond “Mon dieu, France has racial tension!”  In a similarly subtle political analysis, the backwoods family our protagonists come across are Nazis, because the fascist genocide of the Nazi party is precisely the same as Sarkozy’s politics.  But beyond Frontier(s) being the sort of hyperbolic and reactionary allegory that seems clever and insightful (if you’re taking your daily dose of idiot pills), it’s also pretty inept on the most basic of levels.

 Any movie that lackadaisically plagiarizes  a bevy of recent horror films for its middle act [The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the remake!), The Descent, and Hostel] to mask its lack of originality pay homage to the genre is automatically setting itself up for failure, but you’ve never seen a movie so wildly derail itself until you’ve seen the ending of Frontier(s).   While most of the movie is your standard captured-by-sadistic-yokels-in-the-isolated-countryside, the ending is a karo-syrup-drenched action movie in which (among the insanities) one Nazi gets a table saw through the chest, and the  final girl conveys her “shock” by convulsing around like an epileptic crack-whore doing the shimmy shakes ‘cos she needs of a fix to convey her “shock.”  Seriously, if it wasn’t for the fact that so much lazy and laborious nothing came before it, I’d totally be behind the unhinged insanity of the finale, but it is, so I’m not.  

It also must be noted that this movie does contain cannibalistic cave children who’re the product of too much Nazi inbreeding.  And did I also mention that the final girl is in a blood-soaked wedding dress?  And that she BITES A CHUNK OUT OF NEO-NAZI’S NECK?  That’s not a spoiler, by the way, that’s just me saying that in the tradition of ridiculous endings that seems to define French horror, this is some truly epic bullshit.  It’s a finely aged Gruyère of totally trashy, over-the-top gore cinema.

It’s just a pity that the rest of the movie is so très horrible.

I Don’t Get It. Is Inglourious Basterds a Bad Comedy?
February 12, 2009

Apparently this is what all the kids are talking about, so I guess I need to talk about it?  Inglourious Basterds is a movie, after all.  I’d rather not. This trailer does speak for itself, after all.

Really?  I haven’t seen war until I’ve seen it through Quentin Tarantino’s eyes?  ‘Cos his eyes look terrible.  It’s all bad Brad Pitt southern accents and exploitation levels of violence against Nazis because, as the trailer reminds us, “Nazis ain’t got no humanity.”  So much truth, Mr. Tarantino. You should write the definitive history book on the rise and fall of Nazi Germany.  After all, black-and-white conceptualizations of a complex historical moment are infinitely more accurate than the complicated moral ambiguity of having to sacrifice your humanity in order to safely live under a fascist regime.  Awful is the new shades of grey.  Duh.

Oh yeah, and Adolph Hitler was nothing more than a silly clown.  I forgot!

Admittedly, I’m not the biggest Tarantino person.  I find his personality, whenever he’s placed in front of a camera, to be as irritating as a diaper rash.  I’ve never seen Reservoir Dogs or Pulp Fiction, and I get that his whole schtick is a post-modern pastiche of various high- and low-genre film tropes.  That’s just fine.  The Kill Bill movies are an enjoyable and interesting kung-fu/western/women’s film mash-up anchored by an excellent Uma Thurman, a smartly self-aware script, and some wickedly violent black comedy.    Maybe it’s just a poorly constructed trailer, but Inglourious Basterds looks like it’s missing the mark in a RUH-ROH! sort of way.  

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