Archive for the ‘Hard Hitting Questions’ Category

Today’s Hard-Hitting Question: Who Do I Write Like?
July 22, 2010

So by now I imagine we’ve all come across that little corner of the internet where you can have your writing analyzed and compared to famous authors throughout the ages, the one that’s aptly named I Write Like.  After all, nothing gives your ego a reach around quite like being told you’re like the next Charles Dickens, but only if you like it old and dusty like that.  From what I can tell, some sort of algorithm breaks down things like sentence structure and punctuation, which basically means the Robot Apocalypse is going to be even worse than we could imagine because it’s a pretentious asshole who’s working on his Master’s in Comp Lit.

ANYWAYS, my mother keeps telling me to “write the book,” so I decided to throw a recent post on Lana Turner into this thing and see what my book would look like:

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

HA, that’s rich.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve heard David Foster Wallace is an amazing writer, and I know a lot of people who were really torn up by his untimely passing, and one day I plan on carrying around a hardcover copy of Jacqueline Susann’s Valley of the Dolls with the dust jacket for Infinite Jest on it so people will think I’m sophisticated or hip (as opposed to low-brow and helplessly gay) when they see me on the subway, but I seriously doubt people are like, “Oh, that kid who writes Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner is totes the next David Foster Wallace,” and if I really am, literary agents need to start recognizing IMMEDIATELY.  Obviously this thing must be busted, so let’s try another piece, and this time it’ll be about the all new season for the Mad Men avatar generator:

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

AGAIN?!?  Could it be that I’m actually doing something right, and that things that read like the barely lucid caterwauling of a homeless nance are also things that warrant critical accolades and literary awards?  If the third time’s the talent charm, let’s just test one final sample before we put the savant back in idiot savant, shall we?  Don’t fail me now, post about that fabulous L.A. Times Magazine Christina Hendrick profile:

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Today in Hard Hitting Questions: What’s Your Bad Idea “Bombshell” McGee Forehead Tattoo?
March 19, 2010

It was brought to my attention yesterday that there’s some surprise that Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has yet to address the human Ipecac that is Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.  Well, more specifically, the tattoo she has on her forehead.  The one that looks like this:

(a Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner artistic rendition in Photoshop excellence)

Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but for realsies: according to Terra, “Bombshell” McGee had “Pray for us sinners” tattooed on her forehead because she believes “we’re all sinners in life.”   Which perhaps explains the allegations of Nazi salutes and Swastika tattoos?

“Bombshell” McGee: Whoops, did heiling Hitler upset the kids again?

Ex-Husband: Duh.

“Bombshell” McGee: Well, I guess we’re all sinners in life.

Boo, you whore.  No, literally this time.

ANYWAYS, when this tattoo isn’t serving as a glaring example of her having all the spiritual depth of a person boneheaded enough to think tattooing “Pray for us sinners” on your forehead somehow makes you spiritually deep, it’s a fine example of a bad idea.  Like, a really bad idea.  Because it’s on your damn forehead, and only bangs can hide an embarrassment like that, which is like trying to hide the fact that you just pissed your pants at the bar by ripping a fart that could clear out a night club.  So while I’m pretty sure having a forehead tattoo automatically guarantees you a competitive spot at this year’s The Worsties, I at least think we can at least do slightly better than what we’re currently working with, so let’s all jump and see what we can come up with:

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Reflections on the Robocalypse
August 12, 2009

So, I’m sitting here in a Marietta Starbucks, missing New York and hopped up on way too much caffeine–provided by mine and Benji’s favorite barista, Shmason–and passing the time by cackling not-so-quietly to Benji’s latest witticisms.  His last post, with its mention of the possibility that YouTube’s intuitive recommendations may be a sign of the coming Robot Apocalypse, got me thinking.  Personally, I’ve always found the evolution of artificial intelligence fascinating and frightening.  I have also long believed that the tech geeks at Google (which is truly becoming the repository of all knowledge…) are one wrong algorithm away from creating Skynet, or worse, Brainiac.

Google Brainiac

While I have previously asserted that I look forward to the Zombie Apocalypse with considerable enthusiasm, I do not have similar enthusiasm for the robotic equivalent.  And news stories like this, and this, do not reassure me in the least.  My reasons for my Robocalyptic Trepidation are myriad, but for the purposes of this post, I will restrict them to the top three:

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Benjamin’s Hard-Hitting Questions: Who’s Your Favorite Mad Men Character?
July 31, 2009

Let’s get one thing clear straight off the bat: This post is written under the impression you’ve made your way through at least the bulk of Mad Men‘s second season, so MAD MEN SPOILER MINES AHEAD, y’all!

That said, as I near the home stretch of getting caught up on Mad Men season two, I’ve been realizing just how much the characters have evolved and evolved into even more complicated and multi-layered over the course of this season.  I’ve also realized that season two is some of the most emotionally wrenching television I’ve even seen.  Whether it’s watching the Draper household slowly crumble under the earthquake of marital dissatisfaction or witnessing The World’s Second Greatest Joan (Ms. Holloway, for the uninitiated) find the prospects of advancing her career through Sterling Cooper’s Television Department more appealing than simply playing doting housewife to a doctor, Mad Men‘s second season has been as perfectly depressing at times as it is perfect.

That said, one of the genuine bright spots this season has been Elisabeth Moss’s Peggy Jones.  Sure, there’s plenty of the 😦 as she feels the loss of having given up her son at the end of the first season, but her earnestness and genuine desire to do good by other people is nothing if not utterly heart-warming.  Added to that, she’s grown from the Donald Draper’s meek secretary to a woman of surprising, if sometimes occasional, confidence.  She’s really quite fantastic.

And then, of course, there’s this:

peggy kurt makeover

Kurt, Peggy’s Eurogay coworker, is so excited.  I’m so excited.  Peggy, apparently, is so scared.  Of course, she needn’t be.  The moment in which Peggy–hair literally (and indubitably metaphorically) let-down and fabulously flipped–waltzes into Sterling Cooper with her fresh, homo-friend approved ‘do cut sent tingles down my spine.  TINGLES.  It’s one of those moments in which we’re reminded of a universal truth: Gay man and straight women are the peanut-butter-and-jelly-esque backbone of society.  We always promise deliciousness.

Anyways, I still have two episodes to go, yet based on a certain promo photo that’s cropped up on the internet earlier this week, it’s safe to say Peggy will continue to bring the deliciousness this upcoming season:

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Benjamin’s Hard Hitting Questions: Which X-Man Would You Be?
July 16, 2009

Well, it seems that the nerd dams have burst ever since I’ve let Shmathan and Sharker contribute to the blog, but you won’t find me complaining.  Frankly, when there’s a party, I’m always inclined to join.  And, to be frank, nerd parties are something of which I know all too well.

In my youth, I could frequently be found pouring over comic books in my bedroom like a nerd boy in heat.  My tastes, admittedly, always ran a little queer: Obvious titles in the Marvel canon were always overtook by the more random and obscure ends of the Marvel universe.  I cut my comic book teeth on the parody series What The–?!Sleepwalker was my favorite title, and I gravitated to Generation X and the inspired artistry of Chris Bachalo over any other X spinoff.   These things happen.

Nevertheless, these colors don’t run and blahblahblah, so I’d be lying by omission if I didn’t admit to being a Marvel nerd.  Always have, and always will.  That was my closet, and here is my exit:

marvel.jpg

Trust me, the pink-letter editorialization merely obscures the beauty.  Enjoy, and let’s move on.

Anyways, all (nerd) things considered, this brings us to the real and most important question to ever be blogged: WHICH X-MAN WOULD YOU BE?  It’s deceptively simple to ask, but terribly complicated to answer.

For example, if you were Cyclops, you could accessorize in the most fabulous of ways:

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