Happy Star Wars Day! Now Let’s All Watch This Epic Review of Attack of the Clones
May 4, 2010

True story, y’all: in my youth, I spent about as much time in my parents’ bedroom watching the classic Star Wars trilogy as I did prancing about pretending I was the star ballet dancer (affectionately nicknamed “Spotlight Spotlight Dancer”) in a production of Tchaichovsky’s The Nutcracker.  Both activities were encouraged by my parents, which–looking back–explains so very, very much about the man I am today.  That, and the one time I washed my neighborfriend’s Barbie’s hair in the bathroom sink.

ANYWAYS, as a result of of my upbringing, there aren’t many things in life that I miss quite like Carrie’s puns (it’s a homo thing), but those halycon hours I as a wee gay in spent in a galaxy far, far away most certainly are one of them (it’s a nerd thing), so it’s without reservation that I bid you all good tidings on today’s most joyous of fake holidays:

happy star wars day yoda carrie bradshaw puns

It goes without saying that this pun is like Darth Vader force choking your ear drums, so yeouch!  But it’s also a nice little way to take a moment out of your day and appreciate how Star Wars might have made your life a little better.  Or, if you’re feeling like a regular ol’ Scrooge, so much worse.  For your eyes.  And your soul.  You know exactly what I’m talking about:

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David Lynch Opens Up About Turning Down Return of the Jedi
December 10, 2009

I vaguely recall having read somewhere that David Lynch was offered the opportunity to direct Return of the Jedi, which is the sort of curious tidbit of film history that I wish I didn’t know because that ridicufest would’ve been amaaazing.  We’ll sadly never know what sort of batshit insanity that would have wrought upon us, but I’d like to imagine that it would involve Agent Cooper as a member of the Rebel Alliance, Ewoks in red suits that talked backwards, and Jabba the Hutt huffing nitrous oxide to Bobby Vinton while he fingerbanged Princess Leia:

Also, everybody would celebrate the fall of the Empire with cherry pie, and then our eyeballs would burst into flame like a Jedi funeral pyre from all the crazy.

ANYWAYS, Ain’t It Cool News stumbled upon a video of David Lynch discussing why he ended up deciding to pass on directing Return of the Jedi, and it’s like everything that’s not The Straight Story that David Lynch has ever done.  So, you know, delightfully weird:

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RIP, Captain EO
June 26, 2009

I debated about writing anything in regards to Michael Jackson’s untimely passing.  There are bigger fans who can better articulate how much he mattered to music and pop culture as a whole.  When you realize you’re best equipped to discuss his slow descent from King of Pop to the Grand Poobah of Eccentric Celebrity Curios–the Howard Hughes of music, if you will–you kinda realize it’s quite not your place to chime in during a time of mourning.  I mean, do you really want to look like this asshole?  Hell no.  Besides, I will always appreciate the fact that I get to share my name with his 1972 ballad devoted to a rat.  Top that, people named Jude.

Anyways, I’ll simply pay my respects with one of my favorite moments in Michael Jackson’s career:

captain-eo

That’s right, Captain EO, the 1986 sci-fi/musical 3-D short film staring Michael Jackson and Anjelica Huston (who scared the living hell out of me when I first saw it).  It’s rather ridiculous in and of itself (small wonder I love it so), but knowing that it was directed by Francis Ford Coppola and co-written by George Lucas make it pretty profoundly wonderful.  There may be greater moments to highlight in his career, but I’ll never forget my parents taking me to see Captain EO at age three when we visited Disney World.  It’s that sort of unforgettable impact that is the real testament to this man’s work.  It’s part Star Wars, an ample aesthetic splash of Ridley Scott’s Alien, and all Michael Jackson magic.  After the jump, in its YouTube entirety, I give you the 80s nostalgia-bomb that is Captain EO:

Michael Jackson, 1958-2009.  You will be missed.

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