Tilda Swinton’s New Movie A Bigger Splash Looks Great!
February 11, 2016

A-Bigger-Splash-poster-600x889

Some time ago when I was still working as at the front desk, a regular stopper-by and I struck up a conversation about recent movies we’d seen. I “enthusiastically” (shrilly) told her about I Am Love, a perfect film in every way. She said she’d check it out.

The next time she stopped by the office,  she told me she had since seen I Am Love, an artful masterpiece of contemporary melodrama. I asked her how she liked it, and she cryptically answered my question with another question: You must really like opera, don’t you? 

My point is that there’s a new trailer for the latest collaboration between my indubitably favorite contemporary filmmaker (Luca Guadagnino) and the intergalactic goddess of this and several adjacent astral planes (Tilda Swinton), and as someone who really likes opera, holy moly do I like this trailer:

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Blistering Eroticism Alert!!! Here’s the Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer…with LEGOs
February 9, 2015

50 shades of grey lego

Seeing as I was basically on blog hiatus the past few years, I never got to check in and take the pop culture temperature when things got Way Too Hot to Handle, which is clearly what happened when E.L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey was unleashed upon us all. From the subways of New York City to the one time I flew to Davenport, Iowa for and saw a group of middle-aged women on the flight all pull out their copies with the choreographed synchronicity of a Busby Berkeley number, that book was inescapable. In 2012.

Does Fifty Shades of Grey still have any zeitgeist-y momentum these days, or was it but a flash in the contempo-pop pan? Judging by this LEGO remake of the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer made by Antonio Toscano, Fifty Shades has still got it (for now). This trailer is Safe for Work, but keep your fainting chaise close and your clutching pearls handy. You know, just in case:

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Blah Blah Blah Magic Mike XXL Teaser Trailer Blah Blah Blah
February 5, 2015

Words are meaningless when it comes to something like this Magic Mike XXL teaser trailer. Channing Tatum has clearly learned from the poet laureate of ridiculous stripper movies, Joe Eszterhas: when all else fails, THRUST IT! As a result, ladies and gentlemen of a certain persuasion are already clutching their pearls and clicking their way to Fandango, and I don’t even have to be bothered with a pithy title. Thrust it, indeed.

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George C. Scott Watching the Jack and Jill Trailer Almost Redeems the Jack and Jill Trailer
July 12, 2011

George C. Scott’s suffering is both delicious and precisely what we’re all feeling right now, but the trailer for Adam Sandler’s “comedy” Jack and Jill is still the trailer for Adam Sandler’s “comedy” Jack and Jill, so like I said: ALMOST.

Much love to Paul Bonanno by way of Buzzfeed for this one.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale Is Going to Be the Best Christmas Movie EVER
November 10, 2010

If anyone can explain to me how in the world Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale movie could conceivably not be the best Christmas movie of all time, I’d love to sit through their Powerpoint presentation plumbing the depths of that argument, because I’m just not buying it.  I mean, we all know I love me some batshit crazy, and this movie looks like it’s bringing the crazy like an extra-large stocking overstuffed with spades.  How can we possibly lose?  Oh, that’s right: WE CAN’T.  And don’t take my obviously biased and ofttimes hyperbolic word for it.  Do yourself a favor and bathe your eyeballs in the glorious insanity of the Rare Exports trailer:

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The Justin Bieber 3-D Documentary Never Say Never Is Totally Brilliant
October 26, 2010

Look, I may not Facebook like Justin Bieber, and we all know Facebook liking is the only liking that counts (hint hint), but that doesn’t mean I can’t occasionally be in awe of tweendom’s most famous lesbian popstar, and this trailer for Never Say Never is one such moment:

AWE.

Okay, so I admittedly haven’t actually watched this trailer for the following reasons:

  1. In an effort to conserve bandwidth, we’re no longer allowed to stream any media at work.  Obviously this is tearing me apart, Lisa, but office rules bend for no one, and that includes the Biebster.
  2. I’m an adult.

As a result, I can’t actually say if this movie looks any good; however, I can definitely say that this is a movie I’ll never see because this is not my face right now:

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Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan Will Be My New Favorite Movie of 2010, or: No Duh, You Old Queen
August 24, 2010

Take the poster for Black Swan for example.  This poster alone is enough to send me into a hundred fits of gay vapors (or “gaypors,” if you’re in the know).  Just look at this piping hot plate of Natalie Portman FACE:

OOH, IT BURNS!  Seriously, though, this poster’s phenomenal.  It’s gorgeous with a subtle air of creepy, and all of it demands that I get my ass to the theater as soon as possible to see this movie, which is sorta like how I feel whenever I watch the trailer.  Except for the part where the trailer makes my head explode.  If you’ve seen the trailer, you know what I’m talking about.  If you haven’t, change that poor life choice of yours IMMEDIATELY.  Either way, let’s all give it a spin and discuss:

Well, first things first:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Catch-Up Corner: I’m the Most Excited for Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch
August 11, 2010

It’s been over a year since I last threw on my gay claws and tippity-typed up a frothing homo frenzy about Sucker Punch, Zack Snyder’s live action follow-up to Watchmen, and so much has happened since then, y’all.  Carla Gugino helped unleash the candy-colored Kraken of camp that is Women in Trouble, and Zack Snyder made an animated family film about owls:

One of these makes me cackle because it’s fabulous, and the other makes me cackle because my brain cannot comprehend that it’s a thing that actually exists.  You’re welcome to try and figure out which one’s which, but please, don’t strain yourself.

ANYWAYS, more important than any of that stuff tangentially related to my Sucker Punch anticipation is the fact that the teaser phase of marketing has finally kicked-off.  This explains why we’ve now got six character-based teaser posters over at the film’s official website.  There’s one for Emily Browning as Baby Doll:

One for Jamie Chung as Amber:

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The Most Important Question Raised by the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Teaser Trailer
June 29, 2010

I recognize that this new trailer for the two-part Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows raises all sorts of questions.  For example, if you’ve never read any of the Harry Potter franchise, you might be asking yourself the following:

Or, if you’re like me, you’ll tell Sister Aloysious over there to go shove it up her habit and then try and figure out just how much you’re going to cry at the end of the movie.  (After all, “Am I going to cry?” is such a stupid, stupid question.)

ANYWAYS, I’m pretty sure one question–nay, the most important question!–we’re all asking ourselves after watching this trailer has nothing to do with cry-baby tears or self-aggrandizing promotion or whether or not really need to tell the story of Harry and Ron and Hermione wandering a forest over the course of two separate films.  No no, we’re all wondering what in the world is Hermione wearing in that one scene?  Which scene?  This scene:

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Let’s Go BRODYQUESTin’
June 3, 2010

Adrien Brody co-starring with Sarah Polley in Splice:

Adrien Brody starring in and being special enough to get his own poster for Predators:

predators poster royce adrien brody

Adrien Brody going on his BRODYQUEST:

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The Super 8 Teaser Trailer Has Leaked Online, So Let’s All Be Nerds and Get It While It’s Hot
May 7, 2010

Call me a persnickety bitch, but I normally try to avoid posting an obvious bootleg of a trailer.  The video quality’s never particularly great, the damn thing will inevitably get yanked down from YouTube the second that the suits get wind of its leak, and besides, I prefer patience over the tacky interweb nerd impulse to be first because I like to think it speaks of my refined aesthetic appreciation (Showgirls).  That said, Super 8 is a J.J. Abrams movie produced by Steven Spielberg, which means this teaser trailer is just as exciting as a teaser trailer for a Michael Bay movie produced by Steven Spielberg except for the whole I-was-being-ironic thing, so you know what?  Nerd up, bitches, ‘cos FIRST (or, at this point, LAST?):

Obviously we know nothing about this movie save for that: a) there’s a literal train wreck (as opposed to the metaphorical train wreck that is a Michael Bay movie), and b) this movie’s most likely about a space alien from Area 51, but apparently that’s all I need for me to know what I’ll be doing with my $12.50 at some indeterminate time that’s over a year away.  So kudos to you, J.J. Abrams.  Even though Super 8 has as much potential as it does buzz (bahoodles), you’ve also once again proven that it takes practically NOTHING to get me interested in a movie.  Sorta like that one movie I was excited to see simply because it was starring Sharon Stone, and then it  you incidentally happened to have a supporting role, which was weird:

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Sex and the City BOOOOO!, or: Sometimes You Just Have to Shut Up and Drink the Kool-Aid-tini
April 9, 2010

I’m really glad that I never said I’d eat Charlotte’s spaceship hat if I became excited for Sex and the City 2, because right about now I’d be trolling Paula Deen’s website in hopes of figuring out how to best deep fry that thing.  New (and appealing!) Sex and the City 2 trailer, y’all:

Maybe the stick I’ve had up my ass about this movie has finally given me toxic shock, or perhaps my emotional age is getting to be as old as Samantha’s cooch and thus causing early onset dementia, but Sex and the City 2 doesn’t look half bad.  I mean, it doesn’t look good in the way that the latter, more emotionally nuanced seasons ever were, but I’m willing to make peace with the fact that these movies will never recapture that feel, so I might as well quit my bitching and raise the pink flag to Michael Patrick King.  Seriously, given that Carrie’s plotline is like Casablanca if Casablanca dropped the whole Nazi thing and was set in Abu Dhabi and written by a drag queen, I’m already sorta giddy.  But then there’s this moment that made me go “Whaaat?“:

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Joel Schumacher’s Twelve Could Be Gossip Girl on Bonkers Pills or: In Defense of the Twelve Trailer
April 7, 2010

It’s important to note that you shouldn’t do drugs, but if you’re adamant about making bad life choices like Emily Meade is in Twelve, it is wise to at least to put yourself in a room that will make tripping balls a bit more like “Cycles” as directed by a gay man:

twelve emily meade teddy bears

It’s also important to note that the trailer for Joel Schumacher’s adaptation of the Nick McDonell’s novel Twelve contains the following in no particular order: sex, drugs, spoiled white kids, foul language, violence, “Kids” by MGMT, Kiefer Sutherland’s velvet sex voice, Manhattan’s Upper East Side, 50 Cent being ridiculously jacked and leaving little to the imagination, Chace Crawford with facial scruff, and Ellen Barkin.  Naturally, this begs two questions:

  1. Is this extended trailer safe for your place of work?
  2. Can you please explain to me how Twelve won’t end up being the best fake episode of Gossip Girl EVER?

Twelve trailer, y’all:

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I Still Think Salt’s Advertising Is Missing the Point of the Movie
April 1, 2010

It makes good business sense to push an Angelina Jolie spy thriller with obligatory scenes of Angelina Jolie being fierce and doing action things and gratuitous scenes of Angelina Jolie having boobs and doing “sexy” things, so I suppose this new trailer for Salt achieved what it set out to do:

I think my problem is that I don’t particularly care about the central mystery of who Evelyn Salt is.  I’m more concerned with why this movie isn’t called Action Wig.  Or The Bangs Supremacy.  All of this double-agent stuff seems so secondary when you look like your hair stylist is an astygmatic drag queen who only shops at the Bargain Basement.

This Trailer for Marmaduke Makes Me Reconsider My Thoughts on Gay Adoption, Babies in General
March 26, 2010

After all, if gays can’t adopt, then I won’t want a Gattaca mail order baby of my very own, which means I’ll never have to worry about listening to my kid throw a shit fit when I refuse to rent them Marmaduke.  Sure, the other soccer moms might think that makes me a pretentious bitch who’s unfit to raise a child, but take look at this mess and tell me I’m wrong:

Okay, I’ll admit that the part of me that loves train wrecks definitely did a this at the end of the trailer, but most of me just feels sorry for Lee Pace and Judy Greer and William H. Macy.  Sure, Ron Perlman and Steve Coogan are also much better than this, but at least they don’t have to show their faces, and Keifer Sutherland had the sage wisdom to leave this one off of his IMDB page.  Lee Pace and Judy Greer and William H. Macy have neither of those luxuries.  This makes me sad.

As for my fake ovaries, they’re quite happy to be fake right about now because for realsies:

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Thanks to This Teaser Trailer, Waiting for Scott Pilgrim vs. the World Is Going to Be the Worst
March 25, 2010

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is going to come out August 13th.  Today is March 25th.  That means Scott Pilgrim vs the World isn’t going to be in theaters for nearly five months.  That is unacceptable because this teaser is amazing:

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Glorious News! Rena Riffel’s Showgirl Will Be the Showgirls Sequel/Remake/Somethingorother of Our Penny/Hopes and Dreams
March 4, 2010

Showgirls: The Return may purport to be the sequel to the greatest movie of all time (because it adds “The Return” to the end of the title), but if the extended trailer’s any indication, that doesn’t mean I have to treat this half-cooked sauerbraten like its canon:

What have you done, Marc Vorlander?  Sure, I haven’t seen this many boobs-per-minute since the last time I watched Showgirls (January 16, 2010, but who’s counting?), which I guess counts as a step in the right direction, but everything else about this trailer is a turgid art-house hot mess.  A Showgirls sequel shouldn’t look boring, but this looks BORING.  Even worse, I don’t see any Rena Riffel, and we were promised Rena Riffel!  Seriously, universe, is there no Penny/hope for a Showgirls follow-up that lives up to the original?

Oh wait, there is:

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The New Trailer for the Remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street Is Almost Perfect. I Said ALMOST.
February 25, 2010

After months of anticipation and a near stint at streetwalking, we’ve finally been blessed with a new trailer for the new A Nightmare on Elm Street.  So let’s all put down those ho boots and wipe off that lipstick and watch this thing:

I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful bitch or anything, but really?  Stop being mean, New Line Cinema!  This isn’t a trailer; it’s a cruel two-and-a-half-minute assault on my last fraying strand of patience.  I mean, my old-fashioned ass may prefer Wes Craven’s use of practical effects to have Freddy come through the wall:

Over this:

But I’m not going to shed crybaby tears over the CGI because then I might as well just be saying, “Wah, I’m OLD.”  The fact is that I love everything about this trailer except for the whole waiting two more months part.  That part’s the worst.

Like I said, though, no crybaby tears.  Mostly because the film’s look is winning me over, and Jackie Earle Haley’s Freddy Krueger is seriously freaking my shit out.  But let’s not lie.  There’s also this incentive to see the new A Nightmare on Elm Street:

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Let’s All Guess Esther’s Secret
March 19, 2009

While I was perusing the interweb this afternoon, I stumbled upon the trailer for an upcoming horror movie called Orphan.  It stars Peter Sarsgaard (yum) and Fiona Apple Vera Farmiga (who incidentally was also Joshua, another evil kid movie), and it looks like a riot.  I mean, this is the trailer:

Roh-no!  There’s something wrong with Esther, a secret that you’ll NEVER GUESS.  If that’s a challenge, then I accept, trailer.  Let’s all take a guess at what Esther’s secret is (be sure to leave yours in the comments section).  I’ll go first.  I think Esther’s possibly:

  1. A vampire.  That choker on her neck has me totally suspicious.
  2. The antichrist.  They never have birth records and are pure, unmitigated evil.  Just go watch The Omen (not the remake, the original, le duh).  
  3. An Eastern European demon/ghost/monster disguised as a girl.  Seriously, her accent is ridiculous.
  4. A robot girl that got switched to “Kill” mode.  

This movie may look like an uninspired rip-off of every Bad Seed-esque movie ever made, but I really want to see it now.  I have to know her secret.  That tag line is like a cruel taunt.  At least there’s plenty of juicy moments of hysteria (everybody is just freaking out in this movie!  EVERYBODY!) and evil kid cliches to keep the camp factor at (the very least) a solid 7.5.  Excellent.

Also, I think we can all agree: that one girl totally had that shove from the playground coming.  Jokes that are that cliched are inappropriate at any age.

UPDATE (7/8/09): Esther’s secret seems to have spoiled its way onto the internet.  Thoughts on its validity can be found here; the alleged twist in its its original comment form can be found here.

Funny People Is the Least Plausible Comedy. Ever.
March 19, 2009

Lots of people like to get all cranky about Judd Apatow’s movies because the formula is pretty standard.  They’re all unrealistic male fantasies in which men always get women way out of their league by emphasizing the importance of personality over looks while simultaneously not adhering to that same standard with its female characters.  Fair enough, but I’ve frankly found the Apatow leads to be an attractive crew.  Seth Rogen’s good looking, and Jason Segal’s flat out attractive.  Throw in their sharp sense of humor, and I’m sold.  Added to that, I can’t call shenanigans on the gender politics of a group of movies that still cares to actually respect its women by making them characters as opposed to caricatures. 

But I must call shenanigans on Funny People:

This movie is so far from being grounded in reality that it’s entered the far reaches of outer space.  In what world would any sane person leave Eric Bana, particularly when it’s Eric Bana that’s also smart enough to be FLUENT IN CHINESE?  That the chief issue in an otherwise perfect is his going to a massage parlor, possibly to be finished with a “happy ending,” and that’s enough to drive you into the arms of ADAM SANDLER???  

Shenanigans, y’all.

I’ll admit that I’m not a huge Adam Sandler fan, whereas I’d gladly watch Eric Bana make sandwiches for two hours.  Preferably shirtless.  So perhaps I’m a bit biased.  But seriously:

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