When I first found out yesterday that this was happening:
I totally Bill Hader-ed at work:
Sure, my co-worker was not a fan, and I guess it was embarrassing, but not nearly as embarrassing as taking six years to capitalize on the obviously lucrative market for video game adaptations of Mean Girls and things tangentially related to Mean Girls. Of course, neither compares to the shame of being the one star of Mean Girls whose notoriously public career implosion most likely resulted in him/her being left off the video game box art for fear of their presence damaging sales (HINT: NOT THE WIDE-SET VAGINA GIRL), but that’s neither here nor there.
My point is that if there’s one thing that gays love, it’s dick spending money on things they don’t need; and if there’s another thing that they love, it’s sucking dick while watching Mean Girls. A Mean Girls video game just makes sense. Sure, six years isn’t exactly striking while the iron’s hot, but gays don’t mind when things don’t age gracefully (See: Xanadu, which only grows more camp with each passing day. See also: Madonna).
ANYWAYS, this can only be the beginning of the Video Games Renaissance (for games based on Mean Girls and things tangentially related to Mean Girls), so let’s take a peek at some other other games we can expect in the future:
I Know Who Killed Me is an entry in the survival-horror/mystery/puzzle genre. Players take control Dakota Moss, an 18-year-old who enjoys chain smoking and saying “Fuck” a lot–and has mysteriously lost her fingers and leg! Master your talents at working the stripper pole like a sex worker on elephant tranquilizers, remember to charge your robo leg, and help save Aubrey Fleming before the mysterious Blue Man serial killer is finished with her. And don’t forget: people get cut. That’s life.
Cooking Mama Presents: Duncan Hines Brownie Husband is a life-simulation/cooking game where you take control of your very own perpetually single lady. Climb the career ladder of your dreams, watch your love life perish in a never-ending string of bad dates and relationships with men who don’t feel comfortable committing to an intelligent and successful woman, and whip up the ultimate treat in emotional/chocolate satisfaction when a box of wine and your cats just aren’t enough to get you through yet another lonely night.
I’ll be honest. Seeing as there’s no train wreck genre in video games, I’m not even sure what this game would be like. I can only tell you with certainty that I’d buy whatever that box art is selling.