Archive for April, 2010

“Not Myself Tonight” Is the New Gold Standard of Batslut Insanity
April 30, 2010

I think it’s important to contextualize the new music video for Christina Aguilera’s “Not Myself Tonight” with a couple things: firstly, unless you work in a sex shop that specializes in high-end leather wear and bedazzled gag balls or an office with an HR staff that doesn’t consider getting your Nomi Malone on and mercilessly humping EVERYTHING inappropriate workplace conduct (so basically you work at the Cheetah), then yes, “Not Myself Tonight” might in fact be considered Not Safe For Work.  More importantly, though, I’m pretty sure that Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Christina Aguilera impersonation is going to be so miffed that the real Xtina finally got around to doing a cover of Lil’ Kim’s “C*m-Guzzling F*ck Whore”:

Oh lordy, Christina, that was most certainly skanky enough.  Bonkers, too, which can only mean that we need to talk about this thing, so let’s all put some aloe vera on our Christina burns and talk about this thing after the jump.

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When Christina Aguilera Tickles Your Gay Fancy, She Pre-Sells Another Copy of Bionic
April 27, 2010

I may know about as much about selling records as I do about finding the G-spot (a surprising amount, actually!), which is precisely why I concur with Christina Aguilera that tranny glambot from outer space is a great look to put on the cover for your latest album, Bionic:

christina aguilera bionic album cover high resolution

Think about it for a second and you’ll realize how this cover has great crossover appeal for both Joan Crawford enthusiasts AND cyborg fetishists.  Genius!

Also, if this promotional photo from the video for “Not Myself Tonight” is any indicator, she’s also wisely courting fans of Showgirls, Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” video, and leather daddies.  Or in other words, quite possibly every gay man on Earth:

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Much Like My Beloved Eno Sounds, MGMT’s SNL Performance of “Brian Eno” Is Delicious
April 26, 2010

Before I watched it Sunday morning (because grandmas and gay men who act like grandmas are both physically incapable of staying up past 9:30 on a Saturday night), I wasn’t sure what to expect from this:

This is mostly because I’ve learned my MGMT lesson since that one time I didn’t know what to expect from the “Flash Delirium” video, and I’m not one to make the same nightmare mistakes twice in my lifetime, or at least until an ample amount of time has passed for me for me to decide I want another ride on the Bad Idea Express.  It’s also worth noting, though, that I didn’t expect them to play their love letter to Brian Eno (and my personal favorite track off Congratulations because it’s awesome and because le duh) as their second number, so that in itself was something pretty awesome surprise:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

But let’s be clear on one thing, while my love for “Brian Eno” may never quite reach my love for Brian Eno, even more surprising to me was how much this guy sure brings it awfully close:

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TGIF! Now Let’s All Go Make Plans to See The Back-Up Plan
April 23, 2010

Movieline asks if this image of Jennifer Lopez recreating nearly every day of my life stuffing…something…into her mouth is the new greatest movie publicity still ever:

What an absurd question, Movieline.  That answer is self-evident, as self-evident as the accompanying video clip is most obviously fantasy porn for neurotic single women of a certain age, frustrated housewives, and me:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On How Absence Truly Does Make the Heart Grow Fonder
April 23, 2010

I didn’t wake up this morning expecting to miss any of the cast members of Jersey Shore the way Snooki misses pickles during a cucumber blight, but then I saw this picture of Snooki and JWOWW film the second season of Jersey Shore down in Miami, and that’s when I was reminded of the guidette-shaped hole in my heart:

I mean, you’ve got Snooki drinking a giant frozen margarita with not one but TWO upturned Coronas in it, which is enough booze to give me a bitch of a hangover just looking at it.  Seriously, I feel like one of those could put me damn close to being under the table, two could fell a baby rhinoceros, and three will have Snooki doing backflips all over South Beach.  Added to that, you’ve got JWOWW doing something that requires looking down at her plate while a cigarette dangles deftly from her lip.  Maybe this picture’s just giving me an acid flashback from all the classiness and Aquanet that goes into a single episode of Jersey Shore, but hot damn do I miss watching these two broads in action.  Personally speaking, MTV should just drop the rest of the cast and focus entirely on Jersey Shore‘s two best besties.  Nelly Furtado’s “Maneater” could be their theme song, and it’d be all about Snooki and JWOWW’s friendship and fierceness.  JWOWW could bring her killer tops and her epic fists of fury, and Snooki can bring the FACE:

I’m not quite sure what’s happening up there except that I love it, but I think this next one’s pretty obvious:

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Earth Day Now Has Its Very Own Christina Crawford
April 22, 2010

She is NOT one of your fans:

On one hand, HUH?  I’m not sure if this is a sound argument, let alone a cohesive one.

On the other hand, she’s got at least one irrefutable point.  Earth Day really does create more garbage:

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Iron Man Has the Time of His Life
April 22, 2010

Seeing as Dirty Dancing is responsible for this little corner of the internet’s nom de blog, and seeing as I–like every other hot-blooded nerd–am eagerly awaiting Iron Man 2, I’m all but bound by blogligation to post the Iron Man/Dirty Dancing mash-up because:

A) Those are the rules, and

B) According to this video’s description, “Iron Man and ACDC make any film better!! 😉

So even though I’ve no idea what to do with this thing, let’s do this thing all the same:

Huh.  Well, that happened.  And now that it’s happened, let’s all pretend like it didn’t, shall we?

Yes, let’s.

Cheers to Videogum for pointing me towards EPICponyz for this nugget of insanity.

We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Blogcast for a Special Message From the Dandy Warhols
April 20, 2010

Look, all I’m saying is that I don’t have to be Jewish to wish someone a happy Hanukkah, and so in that same spirit I present to you this gem from The Dandy Warhols’ Odditorium or Warlords of Mars:

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go and speak with Ms. Carrie Bradshaw.  She simply refuses to stop bogarting the sundae.  That is all.

The Mad Men News So Good It’s My Own Free Sonic Root Beer Float
April 20, 2010

News sources are reporting that the fourth season of Mad Men premiere has been officially confirmed for July 25th.  Added to that, Mad Men‘s utterly brilliant third season?  The DVD set’s going for a mere $17.99 on Amazon, which means we can all stuff our faces silly with Trudy’s scrumptious hats and slices of apple pie with cheddar cheese with Henry Francis and Don and Betty’s spicy meatball of an Italian vacation (oh, and let’s not forget that side of fresh foot), and that’s far more sustaining than yet another order of the General Tso’s.  Even Don Draper agrees:

Seriously, when you’re as starved for some good Mad Men news as I am–particularly in light of Mattthew Weiner’s claims that the next season will probably be no homo and that Mad Men will end after its sixth season–I’m pretty sure this news is my personal enthusiasm equivalent of finding out about free root beer floats at Sonic:

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Hot Chip’s “She Wolf” Is Your New Favorite Disco Fabulous Gay Robot Cover of a Shakira Song
April 16, 2010

While I can admit without reservation that I love me some “She Wolf” by Shakira, I’m also quite suspect of anything that even resembles a robot because you can’t have a horrific robot apocalypse without robots.  Thankfully for us, Hot Chip is a band composed of actual people (so they say), and their cover of Shakira’s “She Wolf” merely sounds like robots.  Dazzling disco drag queen robots to be precise.  And even though the interwebs have sadly yet to bless us with a shot-for-shot remake of the Shakira video starring a tranny robot, they’ve been kind enough to give us this fan video, which is…I don’t even know what it is:

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Blog Post #418, in Which It Becomes Increasingly Obvious the Fourth Season of Mad Men Can’t Come Quickly Enough
April 15, 2010

Seeing how I love Mad Men almost as much as I abhor waiting for things, I’m naturally torn by these on-set photos taken during the filming of the fourth season.  Sure, it’s assuring to know that (SPOILER ALERT!) Jon Hamm’s Don Draper is still capable of setting your genitals to stunned by wearing a two-piece suit:

But the problem comes in the fact that Jon Hamm doesn’t require a suit to start a five-alarm fire in your pants.  Seriously, you can stick him in a white tee at a craft services table and that won’t stop me from losing all sense of focus and wishing I was coming home to a Duncan Hines Brownie Husband.  For example:

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Let’s All Cross Our Fingers That Scissor Sisters’ Night Work Will Be the Gayest Album EVER
April 14, 2010

I recognize that it’s probably too soon to say for sure, but any Scissor Sisters album that’s produced by Stuart Price (the man responsible for two of my favorite glitter bombs, Madonna’s Confessions on a Dance Floor and The Killers’ Day & Age) is pretty much guaranteed to put a limp in your wrist and a swish in your swagger.  But what about the Scissor Sisters album produced by Stuart Price with a Robert Mapplethorpe photo for its cover?

Or the Scissor Sisters album produced by Stuart Price with a Robert Mapplethorpe photo for its cover and a first released song called “Invisible Light,” which is six glorious minutes of bedazzled post-disco bliss that includes a monologue by none other than Sir Ian McKellan?

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Since There’ll Be a Mean Girls Video Game, Here’re Some Other Games That Would Be Totally Fetch
April 13, 2010

When I first found out yesterday that this was happening:

I totally Bill Hader-ed at work:

Sure, my co-worker was not a fan, and I guess it was embarrassing, but not nearly as embarrassing as taking six years to capitalize on the obviously lucrative market for video game adaptations of Mean Girls and things tangentially related to Mean Girls.  Of course, neither compares to the shame of being the one star of Mean Girls whose notoriously public career implosion most likely resulted in him/her being left off the video game box art for fear of their presence damaging sales (HINT: NOT THE WIDE-SET VAGINA GIRL), but that’s neither here nor there.

My point is that if there’s one thing that gays love, it’s dick spending money on things they don’t need; and if there’s another thing that they love, it’s sucking dick while watching Mean Girls.  A Mean Girls video game just makes sense.  Sure, six years isn’t exactly striking while the iron’s hot, but gays don’t mind when things don’t age gracefully (See: Xanadu, which only grows more camp with each passing day.  See also: Madonna).

ANYWAYS, this can only be the beginning of the Video Games Renaissance (for games based on Mean Girls and things tangentially related to Mean Girls), so let’s take a peek at some other other games we can expect in the future:

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Sex and the City BOOOOO!, or: Sometimes You Just Have to Shut Up and Drink the Kool-Aid-tini
April 9, 2010

I’m really glad that I never said I’d eat Charlotte’s spaceship hat if I became excited for Sex and the City 2, because right about now I’d be trolling Paula Deen’s website in hopes of figuring out how to best deep fry that thing.  New (and appealing!) Sex and the City 2 trailer, y’all:

Maybe the stick I’ve had up my ass about this movie has finally given me toxic shock, or perhaps my emotional age is getting to be as old as Samantha’s cooch and thus causing early onset dementia, but Sex and the City 2 doesn’t look half bad.  I mean, it doesn’t look good in the way that the latter, more emotionally nuanced seasons ever were, but I’m willing to make peace with the fact that these movies will never recapture that feel, so I might as well quit my bitching and raise the pink flag to Michael Patrick King.  Seriously, given that Carrie’s plotline is like Casablanca if Casablanca dropped the whole Nazi thing and was set in Abu Dhabi and written by a drag queen, I’m already sorta giddy.  But then there’s this moment that made me go “Whaaat?“:

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You’re Tearing Me Apart, Music Video for Florence + the Machine’s “Dog Days Are Over”!
April 8, 2010

See, the cultural studies nerd in me has this sneaking suspicion there’s something problematic at work in the way this video seems to be appropriating non-white cultures into a camp spectacle of otherness.  “Dog Days Are Over”‘s imagery is utterly arresting, for sure, but it’s also difficult to watch this video without wondering if a certain level of cultural imperialism is at work:

The gay man in me, meanwhile, doesn’t see anything wrong with what I imagine going on “It’s a Small World” must be like while wearing tranny-acid-flashback goggles.  Seriously.  If my inner gay were an inner bitchy drag queen, she’d tell me to stick a dick in my trap and shut it.

Joel Schumacher’s Twelve Could Be Gossip Girl on Bonkers Pills or: In Defense of the Twelve Trailer
April 7, 2010

It’s important to note that you shouldn’t do drugs, but if you’re adamant about making bad life choices like Emily Meade is in Twelve, it is wise to at least to put yourself in a room that will make tripping balls a bit more like “Cycles” as directed by a gay man:

twelve emily meade teddy bears

It’s also important to note that the trailer for Joel Schumacher’s adaptation of the Nick McDonell’s novel Twelve contains the following in no particular order: sex, drugs, spoiled white kids, foul language, violence, “Kids” by MGMT, Kiefer Sutherland’s velvet sex voice, Manhattan’s Upper East Side, 50 Cent being ridiculously jacked and leaving little to the imagination, Chace Crawford with facial scruff, and Ellen Barkin.  Naturally, this begs two questions:

  1. Is this extended trailer safe for your place of work?
  2. Can you please explain to me how Twelve won’t end up being the best fake episode of Gossip Girl EVER?

Twelve trailer, y’all:

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In Honor of Bette Davis’s Birthday, Small Pleasures of Now, Voyager
April 5, 2010

Beyond the singular pleasure that comes from watching a pitch perfect, classic Hollywood melodrama or the preternatural pleasure that is all but inevitable when witnessing Bette Davis’s deeply moving turn as Charlotte Vale, there are plenty of smaller pleasures to be gleaned from Now, Voyager.  Pleasures like Bette Davis wearing the most fabulous movie hat to end all movie hats:

Seriously, Bette Davis’s hat gives all other movie hats hat envy. Particularly Kate Winslet’s hat from the beginning of Titanic.  It’s a movies-with-narratives-that-prominently-feature-cruise-ships thing.

And here’s Bette Davis knitting while wearing the sort of sunglasses that make me long for a time when sunglass–and the rest of the world–stood for things that really mattered.  Namely glamour:

Some people might say that it’s those sunglasses cover up those Bette Davis eyes. Everyone will say I should get off the stage for writing such an embarrassing pun.

Oh!  And I’d be remiss to not mention the greatest Now, Voyager gift of all:

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Presented With Limited Commentary: A Whole Bunch of Things That This Kid Hates
April 5, 2010

It’s worth mentioning that this kid drops the F-bomb.  A lot.  So let that help you decide whether it’s better to watch this video now or save it for later, but let’s also be clear that you do need to watch this video at one point or another because this kid’s rant seriously deserves a gold star:

To the back of the line, kid who hates Lady Gaga! Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has a new YouTube rant winner, and it’s this kid.  He hates EVERYTHING.

Oh, and much love to Videogum for this YouTube rant hotness.

TGI Good Friday! Now Here’s Here’s a Lady Explaining How Jesus Was a Mushroom
April 2, 2010

I’m not sure if posting this video on Good Friday counts as a religious no-no, but in my defense I’m also a terrible Catholic.  Seriously, I’m eating beef stew on a Friday, I’ve never been confirmed, and the only time I ever saw Jesus was in a Magic Eye poster at the mall when I was 12, which I’m pretty sure does not count.  Anyways, if your idea of blasphemy includes videos of British women possibly tripping balls and definitely insisting that Jesus was actually a psychotropic mushroom used in Sumerian sex orgies, then I highly suggest you DO NOT WATCH.  Otherwise, enjoy:

Okay then.

At first, I couldn’t really decide which response if more appropriate: this one, or this one.  But then I watched her performance of “Jesus Was a Mushroom”:

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I Still Think Salt’s Advertising Is Missing the Point of the Movie
April 1, 2010

It makes good business sense to push an Angelina Jolie spy thriller with obligatory scenes of Angelina Jolie being fierce and doing action things and gratuitous scenes of Angelina Jolie having boobs and doing “sexy” things, so I suppose this new trailer for Salt achieved what it set out to do:

I think my problem is that I don’t particularly care about the central mystery of who Evelyn Salt is.  I’m more concerned with why this movie isn’t called Action Wig.  Or The Bangs Supremacy.  All of this double-agent stuff seems so secondary when you look like your hair stylist is an astygmatic drag queen who only shops at the Bargain Basement.

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