Archive for November, 2010

For Your Consideration in Camp: Highlights from the Burlesque Rotten Tomatoes Pull Quotes
November 24, 2010

When you think about how often I freak my freak out over Showgirls, you might’ve figured I’d have been flailing my fey little blog hands (like spirit fingers across the keyboard, if you will) on the daily when it came to the Cher and Xtina cinematic extravaganza, Burlesque.  After all, any movie musical set in the world of burlesque theater starring Cher and Christina Aguilera could very well be the next Showgirls, and at the very least it’s sure to wrestle away the crown–or would it be wig?–for Gayest Movie Ever (sorry, Gang Bang Bottoms 17).  If nothing else, it’s a testament to my unabashed faggotry that so many people shared the trailer with me as if I wasn’t all over it (thanks, you guys!!!).  Believe me, ladyfriends, I was.  It’s just that I ended up doing a bunch of this whenever I watched the trailer.  But with a whole lot more rainbow confetti.  You know, the usual homo things stuff.

ANYWAYS, Burlesque is out today, so obviously I’m excited (so excited!).  More importantly, though, that means the reviews for Burlesque are out (so excited!), which means the critics consensus over at Rotten Tomatoes has spoken: Burlesque sits at rather bleak 32% over at Rotten Tomatoes (so scared!).  Could my greatest fear–that Burlesque could be a Sex and the City 2 instead of a Showgirls–be true?!?  Mais non, mes soeurs.  I’ve gathered a few delectable quotes (with a dash of commentary) to give us hope that Burlesque could in fact be the Great Camp Hope for which we’ve all been waiting:

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This Montage of Nicolas Cage Losing His Sh*t Is the Bestest. OBVIOUSLY.
November 22, 2010

Seeing as we’re still NO STREAMO at work, I can’t say for sure, but if there’s truth in advertising and/or YouTube videoclip titles, this one is presumably just Nicolas Cage acting (ACTING!) batshit insane, which we all know is a very special thing indeed. True fact: If we could successfully transform Nicolas Cage’s crazy into cash, we could wipe out global debt, find a cure for cancer, and still have enough coin left over to treat everyone in the world to mani-pedis.  TWICE.  Another true fact?  If Nicolas Cage’s crazy were an animal, it would a unicorn.  Or a hair bird:

It’s just that magical.

ANYWAYS, here’s that video I was going on tangents telling you about after the jump.  It’s by Harry Hanrahan, whose interweb glories include–but are not limited to–“The 100 Greatest Insults of All Time.” Whatever.  Enough blog talk.  Enjoy! (more…)

Because It’s the Internet, Tons of F’ing Sequins (Jake Benson Remix)
November 18, 2010

tons of fucking sequins guy

When you think about the way the internet tends to work, this was simply inevitable, but that doesn’t make it any less dazzling.  Interweb sensation (and NPBiaH personal favorite) “Tons of F’ing Sequins” has done got itself a remix, so throw on your tackiest pair of parachute pants and grab your glow sticks because we’re gonna rave up in this bitch!  “Tons of F’ing Sequins (Jake Beson Remix),” y’all: (more…)

Today’s YouTube Highlight in Three Words: Denny’s. Halloween. Catfight.
November 16, 2010

You guys, I must admit I have no idea if this video is actually the YouTube highlight of today.  We’re still NO STREAMO at work, and my desk is such a black hole for cellphone reception that the YouTube channel on my iPhone 4 never works.  I know, I know: Being white is difficult.  Hot, new internet meme Privilege Denying Dude knows what I’m talking about:

Anyways, here’s a video that I would like to imagine combines two things we can all agree are really pretty special: Catfights and foodstuffs.  Of course, watch this video end up having nothing to do with either.  Pandemonium invariably ensues, everybody takes to the comments to berate me, and then my mom calls to tell me she’s refunded my ticket home for the holidays so she can to buy herself something more satisfying than this video, like Red Velvet cake mix and a bum fight.  So there you have it: YouTube highlight or Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner interweb pandemonium!  Either/or, it’s after the jump and totally worth a gander, yes?

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This Guy Really Loves His Sequins
November 15, 2010

Here’s a video in which a grown man drops the F-bomb during a live news report from a Seattle Goodwill.  If you happen to be at work, pinkies out and earphones up, obviously.  No matter where you happen to be, though, it’s totally worth watching, OBVIOUSLY:

Sure, at first you might think that his language is a little extreme.  After all, their might be children watching, and–come now, queen–it’s only sequins!  But if that’s honestly how you feel, allow me to remind you of a few important things:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Lake Shore, the Canadian Jersey Shore
November 10, 2010

Salty language abounds, so pinkies out and headphones up, y’all:

You know, I’d try and come up with something pithy about train wrecks that smell like pine trees or how it’s refreshing to see that Italian Americans aren’t the ethnic group determined to embarrass themselves on television by actin’ a damn fool, but you know what?  I can have gay marriage, socialized medicine, biodegradable Sun Chip bags, AND this glorious mess?  F*ck it, America, I’m out!  RELEASE THE SNOOKI BOMB:

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Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale Is Going to Be the Best Christmas Movie EVER
November 10, 2010

If anyone can explain to me how in the world Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale movie could conceivably not be the best Christmas movie of all time, I’d love to sit through their Powerpoint presentation plumbing the depths of that argument, because I’m just not buying it.  I mean, we all know I love me some batshit crazy, and this movie looks like it’s bringing the crazy like an extra-large stocking overstuffed with spades.  How can we possibly lose?  Oh, that’s right: WE CAN’T.  And don’t take my obviously biased and ofttimes hyperbolic word for it.  Do yourself a favor and bathe your eyeballs in the glorious insanity of the Rare Exports trailer:

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Hurley and Don Draper Conversate: A Lost/Mad Men Video Smash-Up
November 9, 2010

Sure, I had a few bones to pick with the last season of Lost, never mind the series finale I couldn’t shut up about before it aired (because of all the excitement) and couldn’t much remember afterward (because of all the gin and tonics–just kidding!  It was on account of the rage strokes).  I also recognize I’m still tragically behind on this past season’s irresponsible Mad Men recaps, so perhaps this comes as something of a blog beat FAIL, but no matter.  The internet has blessed us with video where Lost‘s Hurley and Mad Men‘s Don Draper attempt to carry on a conversation with their respective verbal tics.  As a video smash-up, it’s pretty much what you’d expect (amusing, but in a very interweb sort of way), which is precisely why it’s totally worth your while:

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Blog Post #529, in Which There’s the Obligatory Liza Minnelli Drag Queen Photo Shoot from Halloween
November 8, 2010

For me, every Halloween’s outcome is a crap shoot.  Some years I’ll really get into the spirit and go out all dressed (or dragged) up, and other years will be spent holed up in my bedroom with whatever horror movies I can get my hand on and a bag of candy, all hopped-up on sugar and shouting obscenities at the television.  Fortunately enough, this year I ended up going with the former after I was invited to a Halloween party by my dear friend Lindsay.  Of course she and I would have to go as a pair, but obviously not as a lazy metaphor for sexual penetration:

Mostly because that lock costume would make me self-conscious about my hips, but whatever, I digress.

Our plan was to go as Lucille and Lucille II from Arrested Development; however, that fell through when we found that every last old-lady-with-a-bob wig was snatched up like it was a Brazilian drag competition.  All the same, I knew I still had to go as Liza Minnelli because:

  1. If Sandra Lee can do it semi-homemade, so could I.
  2. I’d already committed to the look by shaving my beard and dying my hair.
  3. Duh.
  4. Double-duh.

ANYWAYS, I’m not usually one to put overtly personal material up here (this isn’t LiveJournal, ladies!), but I did Liza drag this weekend, damnit, and if this tranny train wreck isn’t at least slightly camp, I’m clearly in need of six weeks intensive camp therapy (Joan Crawford movie marathons and Showgirls dance lessons).  If nothing else, this’ll be good for a laugh.  Or extremely vivid nightmares about a tackily dressed middle-aged lesbian.  Either/or, I would like to present without any further ado:

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Because It’s So Good When She’s Bad, Here’s a Girl Singing “I Will Always Love You” and Freaking Out
November 4, 2010

Seeing as how I’m a self-acknowledged karaoke nightmare, I wouldn’t want to try and measure up against anybody else’s vocal prowess.  Even if they mute.  And particularly if they were Whitney Houston, circa The Bodyguard:

As such, I’m not going to say that the girl in the video after the jump is bad, per se.  I’ll just leave it at that when she does fail, she fails spectacularly.  And with liberal use of the “f*ck” bomb, so if you happen to be at work, you probably shouldn’t be on this site pinkies out and headphones up, y’all:

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Hooray for the New First Lady of New York, Ms. Sandra Lee!
November 3, 2010

You know, I should probably be more bothered over last night’s elections, but I’m curiously at ease with all of this.  Sure, I find the news that Iowa apparently lost its damn mind and voted out three of their state’s supreme court judges on account of last year’s ruling to make Iowa one badass bitch of a state to be both terribly disheartening and equally worrisome, but I’m also young and optimistic, so I know I still have plenty of time to meet and marry my dream Canadian boyfriend.  Or any Canadian, for that matter (HEYYY LADIEEES).  What can I say?  Desperate times (Sarah Palin for President) call for desperate measures (sham marriages).  Just sayin’.

Of course, it’s also worth noting I’m currently taking great comfort in Andrew Cuomo trouncing Carl Paladino and being elected Governor of New York.  Carl Paladino is The Worst, and not only is Andrew Cuomo is not The Worst, you know what else?  He’s dating Food Network persona Sandra Lee.  Sanity has been restored, y’all, and on top of all that, I bet the governor’s mansion is long overdue for a semi-homemade makeover:

You know, the sort makeover that happens when ponies stop doing musicals and start doing interior decoration.

Now you might be thinking to yourself that this is a terrible idea, but let me tell you, America: NO, IT’S NOT.  You might say tablescapes and cocktail time have no place in quote-unquote “serious politics,” but that’s suggesting we have to restore ALL the sanity.  Can’t we save just one oh-so-delectable slice of batshit crazy and toss the rest of the insanity into the dumpster?  I mean, have you seen what happens when she dresses up for her Halloween episodes, America?  This happens:

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