Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

No, Batman v. Superman Is Not “the Showgirls of Superhero Films”
March 29, 2016

batman v superman showgirls

The night before Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice came out, two of my friends tagged me in separate Facebook posts linking to a review from Ars Technica declaring BvS “the Showgirls of superhero films.” Knowing my friends know me so well is deeply touching, and since somebody mentioned Showgirls, I was undeniably intrigued despite my better judgment.

Sure, I had a feeling this review couldn’t be trusted, because it mentioned Sex in the City 2, not Sex and the City 2,  and that’s a straight man’s mistake when talking about a gay man’s sensibility. Still, I figured I had to approve or disprove the comparison to the Greatest Movie of All Time, so I saw it Saturday morning, and to quote Nomi Malone, “It’s a Versayce You don’t know sh*t!” Batman v. Superman: Definitely Not Showgirls is definitely not the Showgirls of superhero movies, or of that matter anything.

To explain:

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Rest In Peace, Patty Duke
March 29, 2016

There are few performances more sublime than Patty Duke’s in Valley of the Dolls, so this little corner of the internet would be remiss if it didn’t pause to pay tribute to her pantheonic turn as Neely O’Hara.

Thank you for sparkling, Patty Duke.

Try and Say Something Nice: Batman v. Superman Edition
March 27, 2016

batman-v-superman-kiss-kiss-kiss-30-rock

If you can’t say something nice, it’s entirely likely you’re having a conversation about Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. It’s just not good! Still, while I fully intend to bitch and moan about it’s failure as camp, I decided this year that my One Blog Rule would to not be such a bemoaning bitch, so I thought it best to first say a few nice things about Batman v. Superman: Just Make Out Already. If for nothing else, it’s insurance against anybody who insists I’m just a hater who doesn’t get it.

Anyways, here they are:

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We’re All Sad Affleck This Weekend
March 26, 2016

sad affleck

If you, like me, have already seen Bats v. Supes: Dawn of Just Put Me Out of My Misery Already, you’re probably feeling an awful lot like Ben Affleck seems in this GIF. He does not look like he wants to be here, literally or metaphorically, and seeing as Batman v. Superman has already grossed $200 million dollars worldwide, I’m not sure we want to either.

Anyways, while I try and put words to put words to my despondent rage stroke, here’s a really great video of Ben Affleck at the BvS: It Gets Worst press tour:

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Who Rewatches Watchmen? (I Do.)
March 24, 2016

watchmen

In “anticipation” of Zack Snyder’s latest dour ‘n desaturated super hero action orgy, Bats v. Supes: More Titles Plz, I decided to rewatch Watchmen, because I kinda liked it before, I was curious how it’d hold up, and I wasn’t yet in the mood to rewatch Man v. Steel: More Fur Pecs Plz. Some cries for help can wait until the weekend.

As such, here are some scant thoughts I had upon revisiting Zack Snyder’s first foray in superhero cinema:

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Taylor Swift Is Younger, Hungrier, and Coming Down the Stairs After You
March 15, 2016

taylor swift is nomi malone showgirls

As someone who has built a blog out of desperate, threadbare references to Showgirls, I’m always thrilled when I come across someone else making a tenuous connection to Nomi Malone and Co. They’re doing Goddess work, really.

So imagine my slackjawed joy when I found this video of Taylor Swift giving Nomi Malone chills in spades. It’s short, sweet, and depending upon your office’s policy on very blurry yet technically bare breasts, arguably NSFW, so kindly remind your boss this is where High Art meets Explosive Journalism, and please watch this Very Important Video after the jump:

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Happy Pi Day, Everybody!
March 14, 2016

Mildred Pierce pie

My mother, a waitress! Aren’t the pis bad enough? Did you have to degrade us? (Don’t answer that.)

[pic via Bitch Flicks]

Since It’s Somehow *Not* a Thing, Here’s a “Yas Queen Amidala” GIF
March 9, 2016

yas-queen-amidala

I’ll admit that I’m a little surprised, if not disappointed, that the internet hasn’t yet birthed a Broad City/Star Wars crossover GIF of my our hopes and dreams. It seems so obvious that it should’ve already happened, but it hasn’t, so here were are. Either people just hate the prequel trilogy that much, or other people have better things to do with their lunch breaks than combines all the things they love (like flamboyant homosexuality, cultural objects of undue derision, and puns) into a single GIF that positively screams “I HAVE NO LIFE!” “YAS QUEEN…AMIDALAAA!”

Whatever the case, I’m glad I made this GIF for you and the queen in your life who loves their swishiness shrill and their galaxies far, far away. After all, “If you see a hole, fill it” are words I try to blog by, as well as the house rule at Jabba the Slutt’s Palace.

All of the Dream Sequences From Ken Russell’s The Boy Friend
March 6, 2016

the boy friend ken russell

Since I’m an old person, any time after 9pm is late for me, if not in fact entirely past my bedtime, so it’s only appropriate to end the day with all of the dream sequences from Ken Russell’s The Boy Friend. Much like the above bonkers amuse-bouche of a headdress, they’re totally over the top, totally fabulous, and at times not unlike a Busby Berkeley acid flashback. Oh, and they’re starring Twiggy. Yes, that Twiggy.

What I’m trying to say is there are far worse pre-bedtime camp viewing pleasures, and arguably few better, so grab yourself a cup of Sleepytime tea and get ready to spike it with an shot of crazy, because these dream sequence will take you up, off and away:

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She’s Got Bette Davis Eyes Dress
March 1, 2016

whoopi goldberg oscars 2016

I’d meant to mention yesterday that Whoopi Goldberg looking amaaazing at the Academy Awards, but by the time I got to writing my pitch for a sequel to Carol Oscar wrap-up, I was already food drunk off a store-bought stromboli and an entire box of sadness (Elio’s frozen pizza), so whoopsi*. But this just means Whoopi gets her own post, which is better for us all. And besides, at least I never confused Whoopi with Oprah Winfrey.

ANYWAYS, Whoopi Goldberg’s Oscar ensemble says she’s got an EGOT and a bankful of The View money. She’s looking fabulous and giving zero f*cks, and I love that she’s brought out her tattoo and a giant octopus bracelet to accent her classic black dress. But wait! Speaking of “classic”, it gets Bette!**

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A Few Scant Thoughts on the 88th Annual Academy Awards
February 29, 2016

joan crawford oscars 1946

Seeing as it’d feel odd to not follow up yesterday’s predictions with at least some sort of wrap-up, but also seeing as I’d much rather eat an entire stromboli and get caught up on The People v. OJ Simpson, here’s a few scant thoughts on the 88th annual Academy Awards. It’s just enough to say “I still care” without it ending in a caterwaul of famished sobs:

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And the Winner Should Be…Tracy Morgan, for The Danish Girl!
February 29, 2016

tracy morgan danish girl

At the very least, last night’s Oscars were better than I’d expected. We didn’t solve America’s race problems, but Chris Rock was given enough room to provide some humorous yet honest commentary on Hollywood’s “sorority” racism. Better still, there was a truly great bit about black actors in white movies, which included the indisputable highlight of the evening, Tracy Morgan in The Danish Girl:

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Kate McKinnon’s Carol Parody, and a Few Oscar Predictions
February 28, 2016

Kate McKinnon and Kumail Nanjiani’s Carol parody from the 2016 Spirit Awards has been all over my Facebook feed since this morning. It’s a nice reminder of the company that I keep online and, better still, a reason to use the “Lesbians” tag twice in one week, so here it is. As I feel like I’m on a roll, sapphically speaking, maybe I’ll treat myself to a clandestine glove lunch of creamed spinach and poached eggs to celebrate.

Also, as it’s mere hours before the Academy Awards, I thought I’d spitball a few predictions for the award winners and the show in general:

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Red Carpet Footage from the 25th Annual Academy Awards
February 27, 2016

Here’s some red carpet footage from the 25th Annual Academy Awards, better known as the year Joan Crawford and Better Davis were nominated for Best Actress in Sudden Fear and The Star, respectively. What a year! They both lost to Shirley Booth for Come Back, Little Sheba. I’d say they were both ROBBED, but I haven’t seen Come Back, Little Sheba, so I can’t be sure, but still: ROBBED (probably).

Anyways, I highly recommend watching this red carpet footage, because it makes more recent red carpet events look like Casual Fridays. It’s got diamonds, pearls, furs, a young Elizabeth Taylor, more diamonds, more pearls, more furs, a young Paul Newman, tons of f*cking sequins, tulle, yet even more diamonds and furs and pearls, and Joan Crawford. Et tu, Oscars 2016?

TGIF! Now Here’s 22 Leonardo DiCaprio Performances Reenacted by His Lesbian Doppelgänger
February 26, 2016

Well, it’s the Friday before the Academy Awards, and if there’s anything more guaranteed in life right now than death or taxes, it’s Leonardo DiCaprio’s Best Actor win for The Revenant, so here’s a video of 22 Leonardo DiCaprio performances as brought to you by Leo’s lesbian doppelgänger, “Lesbo DiCaprio.”

This “stunning montage” (this video’s description’s words, not mine) is brought to you by ACTING, a lesbian who’s more butch than me (that’s not hard) but not so butch as to where I have a crush on her (that’s Ryan Atwood from The O.C.), and MORE ACTING. It’s the best costume (22 of them, in fact) to celebrate Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar thirst and the perfect way to segue into the weekend (with ACTING).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to work on my Fiona Apple at the Oscars impression.

[via AfterEllen; much love to Haley for this]

And Now, My Favorite Academy Awards Moment of All Time, Ever
February 25, 2016

With the Oscars coming up this Sunday, I felt it apropos to share my favorite Oscar moment of all time, ever, and no, it’s not Alan Ball winning Best Original Screenplay for American Beauty. It’s Fiona Apple reacting to Paul Thomas Anderson losing to Alan Ball, which is sublime.

In a roomful of enthusiastic supporters and polite poker faces, hers is a look of unmistakable disappointment that says,”The world is bullsh*t, and Magnolia was robbed.” What I’m trying to say is it’s the real American beauty of the night, and also, forever.

And because I think about this moment all the time and had to make a GIF to preserve it into all eternity, let’s look at that again (and again, and again):

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Here’s Some Scenes From Ken Russell’s Valentino Set to The Strokes, Because Why Not?
February 21, 2016

“I’ll never understand the strange combinations the Internet at times feels compelled to drag together,” said the man who once combined Mads Mikkelsen’s Hannibal Lecter with Rooney Mara’s blunt bangs. My point being, I’m not sure this video of scenes from Ken Russell’s Valentino set to The Strokes’ song “The Modern Age” makes much sense to anybody but its creator, but as inexplicable combinations go, it’s like a peanut butter bacon cheeseburger: inexplicable, yet not unsatisfying. If nothing else, this is a good reminder that Ken Russell made a Rudolph Valentino biopic starring Rudolph Nureyev that looks like my kind of movie (about Classic Hollywood and camp as f*ck).

These Actresses Auditioning for Hannibal Lecter Are…TO DIE FOR 
February 18, 2016

Like the Gone with the Wind clip before it, this Casting Call video from W Magazine keeps with the gender flipped twist, but this time everyone is reading for the role of Hannibal Lecter circa Jonathan Demme’s Silence of the Lambs.

The title claims that Jane Fonda and Kristen Wiig will “give you chills” as they read for the role, but I’m pretty certain W was being cheeky, because the only shivers I’m getting are from all the pleasure. Let it be known, Ladies Who Lecter:

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In Honor of Andrzej Zulawski’s Passing, a Scene from Possession
February 17, 2016

andrzej zulawski possession isabelle adjani

It’s being reported today that after a long battle with cancer, Polish filmmaker Andrzej Zulawski has passed away at 75. For anyone who’s a cinephile or an aficionado of cultural excess and eccentricity, it is a great loss.

I’ve only seen a couple of his movies, but one of them was Possession, and that movie really cut through the fog of my late twenties. It’s surreal and uninhibited and distressing and beautiful, and I couldn’t believe anybody made movies like this.

Possession also contains a truly exceptional performance by Isabelle Adjani. It’s wholly unrestrained and indicative of Zulawki’s weird, singular genius:

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It’s Valentine’s Day, So Here’s Oscar Isaac and Carla Gugino Performing “Love Is The Drug”
February 14, 2016

oscar isaac carla gugino sucker punch love is the drug

As if that wasn’t enough to make all your Valentine’s Day dreams come true, if you squint hard enough at this pic you can pretend Carla Gugino’s pegging Oscar Isaac, which I’ve been told is very on trend in 2016.

ANYWAYS, here’s the Internet’s Latest Boyfriend, Oscar Isaac, and forever object of my camp affection, Carla Gugino, covering Roxy Music’s “Love Is The Drug” in a deleted scene from Zack Snyder’s Zack-Snyder-iest movie, Sucker Punch:

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