Taylor Swift Is Younger, Hungrier, and Coming Down the Stairs After You
March 15, 2016

taylor swift is nomi malone showgirls

As someone who has built a blog out of desperate, threadbare references to Showgirls, I’m always thrilled when I come across someone else making a tenuous connection to Nomi Malone and Co. They’re doing Goddess work, really.

So imagine my slackjawed joy when I found this video of Taylor Swift giving Nomi Malone chills in spades. It’s short, sweet, and depending upon your office’s policy on very blurry yet technically bare breasts, arguably NSFW, so kindly remind your boss this is where High Art meets Explosive Journalism, and please watch this Very Important Video after the jump:

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Vegas Has Everything
March 7, 2016

And yes, I could.

He Used to Love Doggy Chow, Too
April 11, 2015

craigslist missed connection cat food manners

Cristal: You’ve got great manners. They’re really beautiful.

Nomi: Thanks.

Cristal: I like nice manners. I always have, how about you?

Nomi: I like having nice manners.

Cristal: How you like having ’em?

Nomi: What do you mean?

Cristal: You know what I mean.

Nomi: I like having them with a fork, in a can of cat food.

[hamburgermilk via I Have Seen The Whole Of The Internet]

Let’s Make a Meme: Nomi Malone Licking Things
March 9, 2015

make a meme nomi malone

After I produced my Photoshop masterpiece, Nomi Malone: MTA Enthusiast, it was only a matter of time before I asked myself, What comes after greatness? Since it’s all creatively downhill after you photoshop a stripper on the subway, I figured why not try and contribute to internet meme-dom with an entire series of Nomi Malone licking things—a No-meme Malone, if you will. After all, even Icarus needed something to do during the fall.

So ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, my first round of contributions to Nomi Malone Licking Things. Things like…

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Well, The Dress Definitely Ain’t a Versayce
February 26, 2015

showgirls dress black blue white gold versace versayce

Even if every generation gets the dress controversy that it deserves, this dress ain’t from Versayce (you know, in the Forum?), so I fail to see what all the fuss is about.

What Do You Mean, Everything That’s “Wrong” With Showgirls?!?
February 11, 2015

The “problem” with being a pathological Showgirls obsessive with a blog (such as myself) is that you don’t get very many legitimate reasons to write about Showgirls. We don’t live in a world that finds new ways on the daily to celebrate Paul Verhoeven’s timeless gesamtkunstwerk (I know, UNFORTUNATELY), so mostly you’re left making Showgirls references. Lots…and lots…of Showgirls references. It’s a charmed life, for sure, but one perhaps grasping (if not gasping) for relevance.

So it’s definitely a day for celebration when the good folks at CinemaSins make an “Everything Wrong With” video about the greatest thing to happen to the cinema since Mary Pickford sliced bread! Hooray, Showgirls is relevant again! (“Manage your expectations, queen” – Everybody else.)

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Nomi Malone+Candy=ART. (And Deliciousness.)
February 3, 2011

Artist: Jason Mecier

Title: Nomi Licking Pole

Medium: Red Vines

Canonical Status: Move the f*ck over, Countess Luann.  Sure, I might not have the Art History cred necessary to recap an episode Bravo’s Work of Art, but I’m pretty certain this here’s a new contender for the Single Greatest Artistic Achievement of the 21st Century.  Rarely has the world’s most pristine whore/dancer/muse been rendered more scrumptious than a stripper pole.  Also, it doesn’t suck, which the same can’t be said that burrito your roommate bought you to celebrate you buying a dress from Versayce Versace.  Whatever.  The point is that you can’t stop putting things in your mouth (that’s what she said), and you CAN put this in your mouth once you’re done putting its gorgeousness in your face.  Like I said, Single Greatest Artistic Achievement of the 21st Century.

Though as always, Showgirls remains the Single Greatest Artistic Achievement of All Time.  Isn’t that right, long-irrelevant internet meme?

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Happy Birthday, Elizabeth Berkley!
July 28, 2010

I hope it doesn’t suck!  Oh, who am I kidding?  It’ll be better than a 10-inch dick, and you know it!

The Olsen Twins Have a Serious Case of Monster Mouth, Demand: Gimme Pizza
June 23, 2010

I should warn you in advance that this video from You’re Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Sleepover Party contains the following:

  1. Terrible rapping by child actors
  2. Editing that’s completely unsuitable for epileptics, possibly the public in general

My point is this video will give you a seizure, but that shouldn’t stop you from watching it.  Just make sure your co-workers understand that you’re having an actual medical emergency and not just practicing your best Nomi Malone like you usually do.  Anywho, here’s the Olsen twins and their friends invading your brain and killing your appetite with “Gimme Pizza”:

Jesus.  Caramel coconut cream AND fish sticks?  Even I wouldn’t eat that, and that’s really saying something when you think about it.  Seriously, you need to shut down your monster mouth and think about your poor life choices if you can look at this:

And have this reaction:

olsen twin pizza reaction

That’s cute, Olsen-twin-I-will-assume-is-Mary-Kate-because-Mary-Kate-has-chosen-to-continue-on-with-her-acting-and-this-face-screams-ACTING, but that’s also completely unacceptable.  There’s only one acceptable response to your pizza:

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Katy Perry Has a Refined Sense of Humor
June 16, 2010

Remember that one time Katy Perry tweeted this?

And how it was most likely in response to a certain someone’s “shocking” (it was not shocking) latest video?  No?  Because you, like me, try and avoid Katy Perry like a plague

Anyways, the music video for Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” arrived on the interwebs yesterday, and though it may have already been yanked, its brief appearance has already left us a single GIF to remind us what a not-a-fart joke looks like (and be sure to click the image and see this mess in motion):

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The Single Greatest Artistic Achievement of the 21st Century
May 28, 2010

Artist: Countess LuAnn of The Real Housewives of New York

Title: “Money Can’t Buy You Class”

Year: 2010

Medium: Mixed (Audio, Video, Tranny Robot)

Canonical Status: INSTANTANEOUS MASTERPIECE

Holy f*ck.

Well, I guess art students across America can all just go kill themselves while listening to their Smiths records now, because they’re never going to top that.  Ever.

And you know that somewhere in this great big world of ours, Nomi Malone is shedding a single bedazzled tear of pride:

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These Little Girls Burn When They “Single Ladies” Dance
May 12, 2010

On one hand, there’s no train wreck quite like the train wreck that is a bunch of little Nomi Malone’s in training:

Brava? Sure, brava!

Seriously, you don’t get a performance like that without being the sort of über-bitchy pageant mom that warrants a side-eye so cold it could cut diamonds:

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“Not Myself Tonight” Is the New Gold Standard of Batslut Insanity
April 30, 2010

I think it’s important to contextualize the new music video for Christina Aguilera’s “Not Myself Tonight” with a couple things: firstly, unless you work in a sex shop that specializes in high-end leather wear and bedazzled gag balls or an office with an HR staff that doesn’t consider getting your Nomi Malone on and mercilessly humping EVERYTHING inappropriate workplace conduct (so basically you work at the Cheetah), then yes, “Not Myself Tonight” might in fact be considered Not Safe For Work.  More importantly, though, I’m pretty sure that Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Christina Aguilera impersonation is going to be so miffed that the real Xtina finally got around to doing a cover of Lil’ Kim’s “C*m-Guzzling F*ck Whore”:

Oh lordy, Christina, that was most certainly skanky enough.  Bonkers, too, which can only mean that we need to talk about this thing, so let’s all put some aloe vera on our Christina burns and talk about this thing after the jump.

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In Honor of Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s First Birthday, a Few Words From Your Captain
February 3, 2010

Why yes, there is a reason this corner of the internet’s feeling so fancy today:

I know, I know.  It might surprise you to know, but Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner began a year ago today, even more surprising is that those early posts were about a hodge podge of things like the world’s greatest condiment, a movie about a man that ejaculates fire, a banana monster, the dazzling directorial debut of Showgirl‘s Rena Riffel, a music video that was ostensibly filmed inside my head, my favorite Joan Crawford movie, the fact that she wears glasses in said movie, the increasingly ridiculous task of reviewing every track off U2’s No Line on the Horizon in Haiku, that one time Lindsay Lohan tried to sell us outfits adorned with anal beads, and that other time I learned to stop worrying and love Lady Gaga’s (gay) bomb.

On second thought, that all sounds pretty par for the course around here, so scratch that.

My point is that it might have been a long a curious journey involving frequent over-caffeination and the constant threat of carpal tunnel to get us where we are today, and I thank you for coming along for the ride, my dears.  Here’s hoping we continue to ride this crazy train together long into the sunset.

Now let’s all celebrate with some ice cream cake:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Guide to Making Showgirls the Best Midnight Movie Ever
January 13, 2010

Sure, we’ve been over this again and again and again, but even broken records are worth repeating every once and a while:

Honestly, it’s perfect in every way, and the only problem I’ve ever had in regarding Showgirls as the crown jewel of camp cinematic masterpieces is that it’s never achieved a Rocky-Horror-Picture-Show level of midnight movie cult status.  Rocky Horror Picture Show, with its sing-a-longs and toilet-paper-throwing and audience shout-outs, embraces full-on audience participation; on the other hand, despite being 131 minutes of bare breasts and bitchery, the Showgirls audience has always struck me as relatively demure.  

Yes, seeing Showgirls on the big screen is comparable to a religious experience, so a certain amount of reverential silence is to be expected.  That, and I WILL shove a bitch down a flight of stairs if they start talking over any of that sublime Joe Eszterhas dialogue:

But Showgirls is also the sort of cinemagic that deserves more than just the knowing laughter of camp appreciation.  No no, seeing Showgirls on the big screen should be like watching Stardust Hotel’s Goddess while tripping balls on crazy pills.  So, in honor of the IFC Center screening Showgirls as this weekend’s midnight movie, here are a few suggestions on how to make your next midnight movie screening of Showgirls something extraordinary:

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TGIF! Now Here’s Some Tranny Wig-Stealing Fierceness
November 20, 2009

There’s a part of me that loves that this video is an actual news story that aired on television.  It’s safe to say that the vampires will sparkle a little brighter in New Moon this weekend because we live in a world that understands the newsworthiness of one tranny stealing another tranny’s wig:  

Most of me, though, loves how she gives such great bitchface even when she’s using her ninja focus and lighting-fast thief mittens to get that wig.  Miss Brazil 2009 most certainly does NOT want to get in front of that queen while going down a flight of stairs.  It can only end with a Nomi Malone.

You can toast DListed for this little slice of fabulous.

This Week in Irresponsible (and Timely) Mad Men Recaps: Once Upon a Time, When We All Loved Doggy Chow
October 31, 2009

My goodness.  Has it really been nearly a week since this past week’s Mad Men?  Shitfire, y’all, it really has been!  And even though the interwebs have already had a week to give us thoroughly considered and Does that mean this week’s Mad Men won’t be recapped?  Absolutely not!  But does that mean this week’s recap is going to make like a Talking Heads’ concert film and stop making sense?  You’d best believe it!

First things first, serious talk and schadenfreude :

suzanne farrell hahaha

I mean, I hate to sound like an unsympathetic monster, but there was something waaay too satisfying having to watch her walk back home after spending half an evening hunched down in the passenger’s seat of Don’s car.  Seriously, I’d about had enough watching Don and Suzanne wreak havoc on my eyeballs plan their romantic getaway vacation this episode, but fortunately Betty and the kids came back early from their trip to Grandpa Eugene’s house, which brings us to the serious talk:

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Showgirls 2? There’s Going to Be a SHOWGIRLS 2?!?
October 8, 2009

Anyone who knows me or has spent any time with this blog is well aware of how I feel about a certain cinematic masterstroke:

showgirls best movie of all time ever

Sure, I imagine that every time I fall into some tangent extolling the virtues of this classic of classics, my mother rolls her eyes and wonders how I could ever love such garbage.  Garbage like this:

Based on the above clip, however, I believe the more important question is “How could you not love such garbage?”  Seriously, Showgirls, you had me at “DIFFERENT PLACES!”

Anywhosie, there’s now a rumor circulating all over the internet about a sequel to Showgirls, and though I honestly am inclined to call shenanigans, we still need to talk about this like it’s chips and nails.

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Shakira Has Just Ridicudanced Her Way into My Heart
August 3, 2009

Ridicudancing, y’all.  Whether it’s the sensational moves of Nomi Malone or the sublime artistry of Sara Carlson, I love it when someone burns when they dance.  That said, it’s hard to find truly excellent ridicudancing.  There’s plenty of bad dancing, for sure, but great ridicudancing only happens when the proper proportions of talent, batshit crazy vision, and a total lack of inhibition combine.  It’s truly like chemistry, and judging by the video for “She Wolf,” Shakira has mastered the science.

Admittedly, saying that Shakira’s dance moves are ridiculous is like commenting on how blue the sky is, but trust me when I say that the moves she busts out in this video are truly avant garde in their insanity.    Maybe it’s helped by the fact that “She Wolf” is an inherently ludicrous (yet insanely catchy) pop song about lycanthropy as metaphor for ladies having a case of the hornies, and we all know ridicusongs demand ridicudancing.  Whatever the case, you simply must click the picture and take a ride on Shakira’s crazy train.  Seriously:

shakira she wolf

Whoah there, lady friend.  I don’t even know where to begin with this one, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try!

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Bestest or Bad Idea?: MoMA’s Tim Burton Retrospective
June 15, 2009

Did you hear the breaking science news?  The Museum of Modern Art’s developed a nuclear-grade nostalgia bomb: on November 22nd, they plan to drop a career-wide Tim Burton retrospective, after which scores of movie lovers will be indubitably reduced to smoldering piles of enthusiastic screams and hyperventilation.  Really, every day at the MoMA will look like this:

janet-leigh-pyscho-squeee

My breath is quickening, my hands are shaking, and my ears are already bleeding from my anticipatory shrieks!  It’s just.  Too.  MUCH!  GYAH!!!

(…sorry ’bout that.)

Anyways, it’ll feature over 700 pieces (ranging from illustrations to film props and beyond), as well as a retrospective film series, so MoMA’s also discovered the way to beat the recession.  An exhibition this elaborate is going to inspire pilgrimages from the world over, and I highly imagine NYC is going to have to go on Nerd Alert: High ’til April 26th.  I be up on this exhibit like an ornate pattern on Nomi Malone’s fingernails, natch, yet I can’t help adding a splash of Maybeline’s “Conspicuously Cautious” to my Excitement nails.

It’s certainly spectacular to have Tim Burton’s work get such prestigious treatment.  He’s built a career on channeling his darkly whimsical imagination into camp, kitsch, and pop sensibility.  His moviess have a distinct look, and his stories frequently center around the Other as misunderstood protagonist.  He’s parlayed awkward-kid status into an career that transcends niche.  For those of us who were sympathetic to characters’ alienation, Burton built us a home that wasn’t erected in the seedy back alleys of nigh-forgotten cult; we got the warm flicker of celluloid and the buttered-popcorn scent of the multiplex.  Can any other contemporary filmmaker claim such success?  I think not, so YAY!

Plus, let’s not forget that whole film retrospective.  Like most all movies, his filmography will play better on the big screen, but I think a few are particularly well-suited.  Like Batman Returns:

Inspiredly insane performances by Danny DeVito and Christopher Walken?  A Batman movie about a nefarious business man and a twisted scheme to kill Gotham’s first-born children?  The sublime camp pleasure of Michelle Pfeiffer’s vixen-bitch Catwoman?  The undeniable batshit insanity that this was all squeezed into a studio-funded, action-figure shilling summer blockbuster?  Yes, my dears, the 90s were littered with Hollywood’s strange decisions, and Batman Returns was one of the strangest for sure.

But Mars Attacks! probably takes the strange cake:

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