Archive for November, 2009

All Signs Point to Case 39 Being Totally Amazing
November 30, 2009

Obviously the first sign is the simple fact that Case 39 is a horror movie starring Renée Zellwegger, which allows her to join Hilary Swank and Halle Berry in the pantheon of Oscar-winning actresses to be inexplicably cast in a horror movie.  The fact that she’s at long last making her The Reaping (or Gothika, whichever perplexing career decision you’d prefer) should be more than plenty to have you buzzing with anticipatory glee.  But wait, there’s more!

For example, there’s also the trailer:

Oh trailer, you had me at Bradley Cooper shirtless and vomiting flies.  Given that this combines things that I like (Bradley Cooper and Bradley Cooper’s abs) and things that will haunt me for the rest of my life (the whole vomiting flies business), so congratulations are in order for giving such precise vision to my future sexual nightmares.

Sign three?  The little girl in this movie was also in Silent Hill, where she memorably danced in a rain of blood after a barbed wire tentacle shot up the Borg queen’s hooha and ripped her in two.  This actually has nothing to do with Case 39.  I just like taking any available opportunity to mention how batshit crazy Silent Hill is.  Seriously, it’s the craziest, but I digress.

Also, there’s Case 39‘s tagline, which is as clever as it is menacing:

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As Per Popular Request, I’m Breaking My Silence Surrounding the Nation’s Most Heinous Tragedy of the Past Week
November 30, 2009

Popular request means a single comment from one of a close friend, right?  Whatever.  Point is, this is not funny, interwebs:

Would you LOL if someone dropped a rump roast on this basketful of adorable puppies?

Paula Deen getting hit in the face with a ham is obviously no different.  I recognize that comparing grievous puppy abuse and Paula Deen’s minor yet nevertheless embarrassing injury may sound hyperbolic or delusional, but I’m sure we can all agree that both things are essentially the worst.  After all, puppies–like Paula Dee–only enrich our lives with cuteness.  And/or heart attacks.  Neither has done anything to warrant such violence.

HOWEVER, please don’t think I’m some Negative Nancy incapable of finding humor in another person’s misfortune.  No no, I simply like to believe that getting beaned in the face is most hilarious when it doubles as sweet, sweet justice:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Thanksgiving List: Paula Deen Making a Turducken
November 25, 2009

Every Thanksgiving I always tell myself that this will be the Thanksgiving that I embrace the crazy and have a turducken instead of a mere turkey.  Seriously, the only thing better than turkey and stuffing on Thanksgiving is turkey and duck and chicken AND stuffing because, really, the only thing better than meat is more meat.  Every year, though, I always end up just going the less ridiculous route and just go with a regular turkey because the it’s simple.  And I’m lazy. 

Well, even though this Thanksgiving will be no different than any of my other turduckenless Thanksgivings, watching Paula Deen make a turducken is one step closer to living my ridicudream:

UGH.  Just thinking about the dreamalicious gravy I could make from one of these bad boys gets me 37 different sorts of uncontrollably excited.  You know, shakes, sweats, the usual.  This guy knows what I’m talking about:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Thanksgiving List: The Muppets’ Cover of “Bohemian Rhapsody”
November 25, 2009

Oh sweet mercy, y’all.  It’s the day before Thanksgiving, so HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVE!  I hope that you, like me, are making like a competitive eater and stuffing your face with whole heads of lettuce so you can stretch out ample room in your stomach for that extra slice of pumpkin pie.  After all, not taking seconds on dessert is what we call “exercising moderation,” and I’m pretty sure that’s a federal offense on Thanksgiving.  

Oh, it’s not?  Well, it should be.

ANYWAYS, here’s the Muppets covering “Bohemian Rhapsody,” which is precisely the sort of thing that makes me thankful for the internet:

This is like extra-slice-of-pie level happiness without all the empty calories or embarrassment of slipping into a food coma mid-sentence, so basically this video’s the bestest.

The Final Poster for A Single Man Confirms What We’ve Long Suspected
November 23, 2009

Basically, that we all want to go to there.  “There,” of course, being Tom Ford’s visually stunning drama set in the 1960s in which Colin Firth gives one of the year’s best performances as a professor morning the loss of his lover, who is played by Matthew Woode.

Ooh, or a land where everybody’s hair, makeup, and accessories always look as dazzling as Julianne Moore’s.  I could be just fine with that “there” as well.

All my love to Movieline for this beaut.

It’s Official: Adam Lambert and Lady Gaga MUST Join Forces
November 23, 2009

I didn’t watch the American Music Awards last night because I’ve better things to do with my time, which may or may not mean whipping up an epic amount of cheese grits and an entire box of Brown ‘N Serve sausage:

That’s for me to know and you to endlessly ponder.

Anyways, apparently I’m going to have to make more of an effort to tune in to these third-tier music awards programs because the clips I’ve seen from last night’s American Music Awards are all sorts of ridamndonkulousness.  In some instances, such as Lady Gaga’s performance, I don’t really find this particularly shocking:

While I’m always delighted to see what Lady Gaga will do next, I’ve long ago accepted that it will indubitably be completely batshit insane.  As a result, I can’t say fashioning light-up tubing into something resembling the exoskeleton of the creature from Alien is her most mind-blowing achievement.  Personal preference dictates I stick with either The World’s Gayest Homage to The Warriors or this little head exploder, but I’ve gotta give her points for outfitting a violin player in pig play gear.  I really don’t know what to do with that, so snaps for the nightmare fodder.  Lady Gaga is clearly dedicated to this whole Monster thing, but not nearly as dedicated as Adam Lambert is to becoming my favorite person on Earth:

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TGIF! Now Here’s Some Tranny Wig-Stealing Fierceness
November 20, 2009

There’s a part of me that loves that this video is an actual news story that aired on television.  It’s safe to say that the vampires will sparkle a little brighter in New Moon this weekend because we live in a world that understands the newsworthiness of one tranny stealing another tranny’s wig:  

Most of me, though, loves how she gives such great bitchface even when she’s using her ninja focus and lighting-fast thief mittens to get that wig.  Miss Brazil 2009 most certainly does NOT want to get in front of that queen while going down a flight of stairs.  It can only end with a Nomi Malone.

You can toast DListed for this little slice of fabulous.

When It Comes to New Moon, I’m Decidedly Team This Guy
November 20, 2009

Well, New Moon is out today, and a great schism has erupted all over the interwebs:

This is an important discussion to have because you’re choosing between a wang that’s pale and ice cold and a wang that’s underage and could spontaneously sprout hair.  Hrmmm, DECISIONS.

Anyways, I’ve personally arrived at the conclusion that I’m neither Team Edward nor Team Jacob.  It’s not that I’m deliberately trying to be a finicky bitch by not answering the most important question of the new millenium, it’s just that someone else has taken my Twibreath away:

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Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” Gives Me a Serious Case of Géjà Vu, Part Deux
November 20, 2009

Oh girl, I know two posts about a single Lady Gaga song in less than 24 hours might define excessive, but I just can’t.  Stop.  LISTENING:

So color me predictable when I tell you I’ve been doing a lot of deep thinking about this whole “Alejandro”-sounds-like-Ace-of-Base situation because it’s an important situation (the most important!) that demands plenty of contemplation.  And because I’m in serious need of a more productive hobby, like knitting.  Or human organ trafficking .  Whatever.  Tomato, Clamato, moving right along.

Anyways, I’ve come to the realization that “Alejandro” doesn’t just remind me of “Don’t Turn Around.”  No no.  It’s also reminiscent of Ace of Base’s own anthem to stone-cold bitchfacedness:

See what I’m talking about?  It’s uncanny how reminiscent “Alejandro” is of “Don’t Turn Around.”  This is, of course, a very good thing, but I’m nevertheless starting to suspect that “Alejandro” is the Brundlefly-esque merging of Lady Gaga’s camp/pop sensibilities a cassette tape of Ace of Base’s The Sign:

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Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” Gives Me a Serious Case of Géjà Vu
November 19, 2009

Even though it’s not coming out ’til the 23rd, that hasn’t stopped Lady Gaga’s The Fame Monster from spilling forth onto the ever impatient interwebs, and let’s all just be honest with ourselves, y’all:

Sure, it’s only 8 songs long, and it’s like Gaga’s gone and reinvented the discostick, but The Fame Monster has some really great songs that definitely earn it a “BUY” come next Tuesday.  Songs, for example, like “Alejandro,” which is the Lady’s catchy dance anthem ode to tossing Latin lovers aside like they’re used tissues at a sperm bank:

I mean, sooo good, but I can’t help but feel like there’s a glitch in the homo matrix because I feel like I’ve heard this song.  Oh, wait, I have:

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You Haven’t Really Nightmared Until You’ve Nightmared the Nobel Funk Off
November 19, 2009

I’m not telling you a damn thing about this video other than it’s branded its nightmarish imagery of melted-faced hell spawn deep in my brain, and I’m not about to suffer this one alone:

GAAAAAAH!

I don’t know what this video is for, but I can definitely tell you I don’t want it, and I will do absolutely everything in my power to make sure I don’t get it.  Music lessons?  Whoops, I just cut off all my fingers!  Funk bands?  I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the scalding pokers in my ears!  World Peace?  It’s like Miranda July said:

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Since We Live in a Busy World, Here’s Changeling in 56 Seconds
November 19, 2009

Admittedly, there are certain differences between Clint Eastwood’s Changeling, starring Angelina Jolie, and the following YouTube video I stumbled upon.  For example, Angelina Jolie didn’t have a long-haired fright wig in the movie.  No no, she sported a fashionable 1930s bob:

Added to that, given that Changeling was a period piece, Angelina Jolie never wore hoodies or Billabong shirts, though sometimes she did wear this hat that I want:

Everything else about this video, however, is spot on:

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Why Is Nobody Talking About the Things We Should All Be Talking About When We Talk About Salt?
November 18, 2009

It never ceases to amaze me what will cause a stir on the interwebs.  I get that it’s a rat race and we’re all just trying to get a piece of the cheese, but when that cheese is a picture of Angelina Jolie’s face that serves as the teaser poster for next summer’s Salt, I really get amazed:

I mean, yay?

Don’t get me wrong.  This poster is perfectly fine, and I’ll no doubt be seeing Salt next summer.  Angelina Jolie has a curious hold on me like that.  I saw Changeling just to see her bring the classic-Hollywood-esque hysterics.  Hell, I even subjected myself to Wanted, which says loads about how appealing I find her as an actress and how I have no self-respect.  Still, as much as I guess there’s a certain newsworthiness in the unveiling of a teaser poster for a movie that many of us will waste $12.50 because the magnetic draw of an Angelina Jolie action movie overrides one’s ability to make good life choices, it seems to me that there are bigger teaser poster fish for us to be frying, namely this one:

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“Sad Eyes” Is Enrique Iglesias’s Showgirls con los Hombres
November 16, 2009

Firstly, it’s so bad it’s brilliant.  Oh, and there’s epic amounts of Enrique Iglesias’s perky moobs and enough thrilling stripper pole acrobatics that would have Nomi Malone contemplating whether or not she’s gonna have to shove a bitch down the stairs.  NSFW?  Most likely.  Not to be missed?  Indubitably:

Sweet mercy, there is so much of him compulsively engaging in the act of self love.  That’s basically all there is to this video: Enrique Iglesias touching himself like he’s just hit puberty, and then some Nomi-pool-sex lite in a bathtub.  So basically it’s Showgirls with a Dude.

All it needs is a moment where he and Ricky Martin, in the midst of their roaring success from pop music’s Latin Explosion, decide to take lunch at Spago.  They wax nostalgic about eating Puppy Chow, trade thoughts on having nice moobs, and then toast.  With chips.  Now that would push it into perfección.

Also, as a final thought, if this is meme be true:

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Leap Year Knows the Secret to My Heart/Fake Ovaries
November 16, 2009

Oh, dammit!  Amy Adams’s undeniably perky charm and Matthew Goode’s dreamboatalicious combination of scruff and blue eyes, WHY MUST YOU EXPLOIT ME SO?!?

Leap Year movie poster

Even in poster format, me and my inner teenage girl don’t stand a chance to your magnetic appeal. Even in poster form, I can see Leap Year for exactly the sort of rote, cliched romantic comedy filled with the same easy jokes and formulaic twists years and years and years of movies just like you have supplied eager audiences like me.  You may be entirely lacking the holy screwball trinity of Katherine Hepburn, Cary Grant, and a leopard named Baby; but I’m pretty certain that you and me and a pint of HäagenDazs vanilla swiss almond would make a perfectly suitable trifecta on a Saturday night.

And your trailer, Leap Year?  I’ve got freakin’ second sight with this:

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Allow Me to Introduce Bonnie Bianco, the Sara Carlson of 80s German Variety Television
November 16, 2009

In case you’ve yet to witness the combustible magic of Sara Carlson, the Al Paradise sensation who’s inimitable song and dance stylings have won hearts and blown minds over here at Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner, then you’d best correct that terrible life choice.  Immediately.  Seriously, it couldn’t be easier.  Just click here and here, and make sure you’ve a box full of Kleenex ready for all those tears of joy.  All done?  Great!  Then moving right along.  

So this weekend, Skynet YouTube Recommendations once again read my mind and suggested this little number below, “Circo Circo” by Bonnie Bianco.  It may not be Sara Carlson, I thought, but Al Paradise‘s own brand of early-80s carnivalesque psychedelic tranny insanity is enough to make any performer a star, mais oui?

Mais non.

Maybe it’s that Bonnie Bianco’s moves are like something out of the beginner’s course at the Sara Carlson Academy of Batshit Fabulous Ridicudancing, but I also place a lot of the blame on the clowns.  They’re never anything but a recipe for nightmares, so let’s all blame the clowns.  And the fact that every great star needs a great a director.  

It seems to me that Italian variety television just doesn’t know how to make Bonnie Bianco shine.  Fortunately enough, much like von Sternberg made Dietrich, so too has the sauerkraut-and-bratwurst touch of German’s Rotkreuz-Gala transformed Bonnie Bianco into a sensation:

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TGIF! Now Here’s Carla Gugino Discussing the Nuances of Marketable Adult Novelties
November 13, 2009

When you think about it, is there any better way to kick start your weekend than a NSFW conversation about about fake vaginas from the just-released-and-sure-to-be-camptasticaliciously-delightful Women in Trouble that stars Carla Gugino and other women who are also in trouble?

No, I think not.

Or as I Like to Call It: Gindaloon, The Documentary Miniseries
November 11, 2009

Here’s the promo for MTV’s newest reality series, Jersey Shore, which just might be the nadir pinnacle of television programming:

It’s basically the bastard baby between The Hills and The Real Housewives of New Jersey, so it’s going to be 2009’s prize gem of trash television.  I personally hope that at least one girl pulls a Teresa and flips a table over, and I super hope at least one of the guys acts like this guy.  Chances are they will at least that ridiculous and then some, and that can mean only one thing:

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The Official Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner Response to Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance”
November 11, 2009

Action:

Reaction:

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Rudy Giuliani Is One Classy Broad
November 11, 2009

Every time I look at this incredible picture of Rudy Giuliani in drag, a little piece of my soul dies and a tiny part of my brain explodes from the overwhelming happiness of it all:

Rudy Giuliani in Drag

Yes.  

Of course, it’s only natural to look at this and think that Rudy Giuliani would make the sort of drag queen that would bark at you in his man voice about how he’s going to fuck you up and put this cigar out in your face, right?  WRONG.

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you incontrovertible videographic evidence that–when it comes to being in drag–Rudy Giuliani is a respectable lady:

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