TGIF! Now Here’s the Robot Apocalypse Doing Your Lipstick
February 19, 2016

lipstick robot

This blog is more than just a pretty face and and unending parade of Showgirls references and camp appreciation. It’s also a corner of the Internet where we stand vigilant against the impending Robot Apocalypse. You can hoard guns and buy gold all you want, but neither sophisticated weaponry nor the shiny appeal of precious metals shall soften the robots’ vice-like grip of enslavement.

You may think this is a joke, but it’s no laughing matter, and if you don’t believe me, here’s chilling footage from Simone Giertz of our future robot overlords’ latest target, glamour:

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Robocalypse NOPE
February 17, 2015

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

[via RocketNews24]

 

The Robot Apocalypse Will Be Competing in the Horizontal Bar at the 2012 London Olympics
September 28, 2011

Look, I recognize it’s been a while since I’ve come around and tended to this little corner of the internet, but it doesn’t mean my feelings have change about what we share over at this little corner of the internet where camp is queen, and it definitely doesn’t mean my feelings have changed about the Robot Apocalypse. No no, much like Geena Davis insisted to the hooker in David Cronenberg’s The Fly, we should all be afraid. Be very afraid. The case against gymnast robot no. 8, Kovacs, is no different.

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Today’s Hard-Hitting Question: Who Do I Write Like?
July 22, 2010

So by now I imagine we’ve all come across that little corner of the internet where you can have your writing analyzed and compared to famous authors throughout the ages, the one that’s aptly named I Write Like.  After all, nothing gives your ego a reach around quite like being told you’re like the next Charles Dickens, but only if you like it old and dusty like that.  From what I can tell, some sort of algorithm breaks down things like sentence structure and punctuation, which basically means the Robot Apocalypse is going to be even worse than we could imagine because it’s a pretentious asshole who’s working on his Master’s in Comp Lit.

ANYWAYS, my mother keeps telling me to “write the book,” so I decided to throw a recent post on Lana Turner into this thing and see what my book would look like:

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

HA, that’s rich.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve heard David Foster Wallace is an amazing writer, and I know a lot of people who were really torn up by his untimely passing, and one day I plan on carrying around a hardcover copy of Jacqueline Susann’s Valley of the Dolls with the dust jacket for Infinite Jest on it so people will think I’m sophisticated or hip (as opposed to low-brow and helplessly gay) when they see me on the subway, but I seriously doubt people are like, “Oh, that kid who writes Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner is totes the next David Foster Wallace,” and if I really am, literary agents need to start recognizing IMMEDIATELY.  Obviously this thing must be busted, so let’s try another piece, and this time it’ll be about the all new season for the Mad Men avatar generator:

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

AGAIN?!?  Could it be that I’m actually doing something right, and that things that read like the barely lucid caterwauling of a homeless nance are also things that warrant critical accolades and literary awards?  If the third time’s the talent charm, let’s just test one final sample before we put the savant back in idiot savant, shall we?  Don’t fail me now, post about that fabulous L.A. Times Magazine Christina Hendrick profile:

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The Robot Apocalypse Will Be Christina Hendricks
June 4, 2010

So fabulous, of course:

And, as Robot Apocalypses are wont to be, f*ckin’ bleak.  Slant Magazine‘s blog, The House Next Door, was kind enough let me share my crazy about the new Broken Bells video for “The Ghost Inside,” so fetch yourself a some glamourous glasses and a poolside martini and check it out over here.

The Robot Apocalypse Will Be Adorable, Officiate Your Wedding
May 18, 2010

I mean, I guess it’s great to be the couple of nerds that fall in love and decide that the best way to express your commitment to each other is by having the first wedding ever performed by a robot.  People spend their whole lives hoping to make that sort of connection, even though that connection usually doesn’t involve bringing us closer to the day Skynet became self-aware, but you know what?  These people found each other, and that’s a rare and wonderful thing, y’all:

On the other hand, we’re still talking about the Robot Apocalypse, which hasn’t yet stopped being the worst, which still means QUIT IT, JAPAN/NERDS.

At Least the Robot Apocalypse Will Still Have Bad Community Theater
March 5, 2010

And now, from its creators, a few words on the RoboThespian:

As an actor, it is a mirror. The most difficult question you may have to answer yourself is: ‘what am I for?’ RoboThespian™ demonstrates that utility is not a prerequisite for existence, a concept familiar to the artist but alien to the engineer. ‘Necessity is the mother of invention’, a received wisdom, but necessity is not the mother of this invention, I doubt they are even related at all.

This is very true, inventors of a thing that most definitely should not exist.  I’m pretty sure a particularly embittering failed bid at Broadway stardom (aka, too many double shifts at the Times Square Red Lobster without a single call back for that chorus line spot in Carnival Cruise’s production of Seussical) and an unintentional death wish for the human race are the mother of your invention.  For realsies, nothing else explains the waking nightmare that is witnessing this…this thing in action:

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The Black Eyed Peas’ “Imma Be Rocking That Body” Is Epic, Makes Total Sense
February 18, 2010

Only one of the above statements is true.  Given that this 10-minute plutonium-powered crazy train video contains break-dancing robots and silver Phantom of the Opera masks and the Black Eyed Peas shooting people with dance rifles, can you guess which one?

At least the video explains the break-dancing robots and silver Phantom of the Opera masks and the Black Eyed Peas shooting people with dance rifles by saying it was all Fergie’s motorcycle crash fueled  dream, which I suppose makes “Imma Be Rocking That Body” the love child of Mulholland Drive and a gang bang with the robots from Terminator Salvation.  And while this video is easily the most fun Robot Apocalypse EVER, it’s also undeniable proof of the following:

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Things That Should Not Exist: The TrueCompanion Sex Robot
January 11, 2010

In life, it’s one sexually icky and utterly terrifying portent of the robot apocalypse to dress a robot up in a schoolgirl outfit and program her with some rudimentary dance moves; however, it’s a whole new bag of nightmares when you’ve created an anatomically correct ladybot with five separate sexy personalities for “companionship”:

On one hand, the only thing worse than the robot apocalypse happening is the knowledge that the robot apocalypse will demand mustache rides as part of human enslavement.

On the other hand, silver linings, y’all:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Nicknames
January 7, 2010

The simple reality of Jersey Shore is that, so long as you don’t think too hard about, everything about Jersey Shore is completely amazing, so it should go without saying that the nicknames are just another part of the equation.  That said, not all Jersey Shore nicknames are created equal.  

Take, for example, “Snooki” and “The Situation”:

Snooki’s actual name is Nicole.  If etymology is the evolution of language, then getting from Nicole to Snooki is the linguistic equivalent of a tabby cat giving birth to a duck-billed platypus.  Mike, on the other hand, calls his abs “The Situation,” and then sometimes he calls himself “The Situation,” which I suspect is less about about nicknames and more about his abs becoming self-aware, much like Skynet.  One nickname’s a freak of nature, and the other’s a sentient robot.  Both are signs of the Apocalypse.  

ANYWAYS, even though I was actually made aware of this a few weeks ago, we need to discuss the fact that there’s a Jersey Shore nickname generator.  Well, more pointedly, we need to discuss the fact that THIS is my nickname:

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Sweet Shimmying Moses, Japan! Must You So Recklessly Play With the Flames of the Robot Apocalypse?!?
December 1, 2009

There is no reason for anyone to like robots.  For one thing, they could very well be the harbingers of the apocalypse.  Also, they’re just creepy.  Even Asimo, that robot by Honda:

He is NOT to be trusted.  First he will replace the world’s interns and personal assistants by winning your trust when he brings you your half-caff soy latte just the way you like it, then he will be use his built-in milk-steamer/laser-canon to exterminate you and your coworkers during the robot uprising.  Duh.

That said, Asimo has nothing on this monstrosity from the Sixth Annual ROBO-ONE GATE IN INTERNATIONAL ROBOT EXHIBITION 2009 Dance Competition.  She’s basically the dead-eyed posterbot of my waking nightmares:

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Reflections on the Robocalypse
August 12, 2009

So, I’m sitting here in a Marietta Starbucks, missing New York and hopped up on way too much caffeine–provided by mine and Benji’s favorite barista, Shmason–and passing the time by cackling not-so-quietly to Benji’s latest witticisms.  His last post, with its mention of the possibility that YouTube’s intuitive recommendations may be a sign of the coming Robot Apocalypse, got me thinking.  Personally, I’ve always found the evolution of artificial intelligence fascinating and frightening.  I have also long believed that the tech geeks at Google (which is truly becoming the repository of all knowledge…) are one wrong algorithm away from creating Skynet, or worse, Brainiac.

Google Brainiac

While I have previously asserted that I look forward to the Zombie Apocalypse with considerable enthusiasm, I do not have similar enthusiasm for the robotic equivalent.  And news stories like this, and this, do not reassure me in the least.  My reasons for my Robocalyptic Trepidation are myriad, but for the purposes of this post, I will restrict them to the top three:

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