Archive for March, 2010

There’s No Better News Than the News That Hedwig and the Angry Inch Is Heding Back to Broadway
March 31, 2010

Get it?  Hed-ing?  In a story about Hedwig and the Angry Inch?  It’s a pun, A PUN!  Carrie Sadshaw would be so proud!  And I probably should have switched to decaf before writing about this glorious news!  Seriously, it’s hard to type when your eyeballs won’t stop vibrating on account of those few too many cups of coffee and and the rush of adrenaline brought about by PURE EXCITEMENT, but I digress.

The New York Post is reporting that Hedwig and the Angry Inch will be coming to Broadway this fall with all of its principal artistic forces intact.  John Cameron Mitchell will be reprising the role of everybody’s favorite botched-job transexual rocker, and Steven Trask will be adding additional songs and musical material.  Added to that, David Binder and Peter Askin will be returning as producer and director, respectively.

In related news brought to you first by me, thousands upon thousands of gay men and fag hags the world over are making this face right now. Understandably so, theater queens and the ladies who love them, but let’s all simmer down.  There’s more to the Post‘s story, and this part is particularly intriguing:

(more…)

That’s Not Cool, MGMT. The “Flash Delirium” Video Is Not Cool at All
March 30, 2010

mgmt congratulations album art

I don’t think the problem with the video for the first single off MGMT’s sophomore album, Congratulations, has anything to do with the song itself.  Sure, “Flash Delirium” is by no means an obvious choice for a first single, but it’s also hardly the sort of song that the band should be apologizing for.  Hell, I happen to enjoy how that it trades the first single–let alone a traditional pop song–vibe for a that of four-minute psychadelic/rock mini-symphony.  It’s got an electric feel indeed (woof*).

No no, I’m pretty sure the problem with “Flash Delirium” has everything to do with the fact that it starts out as a relatively innocent music video before boarding the bullet-train to Nightmaretown.  Seriously, it begins with a Royal Tenenbaums-esque assortment of rich eccentrics (scariness proportional to how you feel about bourgeois eccentricities) and cake (scariness proportional to how you feel about carbs), brings in the ventriloquist dummies (scariness proportional to how you feel about dolls), and then it just gets into the sort of Cronenbergian freakishness that’s best left as a surprise, but SPOILER ALERT: you will probably shit you pants in horror.  “Flash Delirium” after the jump, y’all:

(more…)

Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Monster Mouth Corner: Eat a Donut Bacon Cheeseburger
March 29, 2010

Look, I’ve got nothing against all-natural produce, but we can’t always just eat an organic pear.  Sometimes we need something more.  Sometimes we need savory as well as sweet.  Sometimes we need throw caution to the wind and say, “Fuck it all: I’ll eat Cheerios and Lipitor the rest of this week if I must, but tonight I want to live!”  Sometimes, dear readers, we need to eat a donut bacon cheeseburger, which is precisely what I did this weekend.  Behold the epitome of gluttony and the pinnacle of modern culinary innovation, made by my own two hands:

donut bacon cheeseburger gloriousness

Now, having actually had the high-calorie, fatty food food equivalent of a gang bang, I can tell you the following things about the donut bacon cheeseburger with great certainty:

  1. Despite allegations otherwise, the donut bacon cheeseburger is not a sign of the apocalypse.  It is glorious.
  2. In fact, the donut bacon cheeseburger is so mind-blowingly scrumptious that I’d reckon this is the Harbinger of Deliciousness, a veritable Jesus Burger that has come from the heavens above to rid the world of size-zero pants and preach the gospel of elastic waistbands.
  3. My vision of Heaven is most likely the 9th circle of Hell for vegetarians.  In certain fundamentalist vegan Christian circles, I am now the front runner for the Antichrist.  I guess even the irresistible temptations of a donut bacon cheeseburger can’t win ’em all.

The rest of my experience is a bit more of a blur, so at this point we have to pause so you can decide if you want to take the donut bacon cheeseburger pill or the boring pill.  How far down this culinary rabbit hole of batshit insanity and morbid obesity do you want to go?  Oh, who am I kidding?  Red pill it is!

(more…)

This Trailer for Marmaduke Makes Me Reconsider My Thoughts on Gay Adoption, Babies in General
March 26, 2010

After all, if gays can’t adopt, then I won’t want a Gattaca mail order baby of my very own, which means I’ll never have to worry about listening to my kid throw a shit fit when I refuse to rent them Marmaduke.  Sure, the other soccer moms might think that makes me a pretentious bitch who’s unfit to raise a child, but take look at this mess and tell me I’m wrong:

Okay, I’ll admit that the part of me that loves train wrecks definitely did a this at the end of the trailer, but most of me just feels sorry for Lee Pace and Judy Greer and William H. Macy.  Sure, Ron Perlman and Steve Coogan are also much better than this, but at least they don’t have to show their faces, and Keifer Sutherland had the sage wisdom to leave this one off of his IMDB page.  Lee Pace and Judy Greer and William H. Macy have neither of those luxuries.  This makes me sad.

As for my fake ovaries, they’re quite happy to be fake right about now because for realsies:

(more…)

Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Amateur PR Corner: On the Future of Jesse James’s Public Image
March 26, 2010

Celebrities: they’re just like us!  And if you happen to be the sort of person who can’t stand black people almost as much as you can’t get enough Nazi memorabilia or sex with lots of tattooed lady friends that aren’t your wife, then rumor has it that Jesse James is just like you!  Well, the whole banging ladies with hideous forehead tattoos part is fact, but now there are all sorts of rumors circulating that Jesse James is a white supremacist who has a Hitler surfboard.  Yikes!  When you’re already considered one of the country’s most reviled men before you’re outed as a racist and a homophobe, it’s pretty safe to say that your public image is certifiably doomed after the fact.

Now seeing as I’m neither a philanderer nor a white supremacist, I don’t have a lot of experience with this sort of situation, but one time I sat in on a PR class in undergrad, which I’m pretty sure makes me qualified to add my two cents to this situation, and I’m all but convinced that if anyone can redeem Jesse James’s public image, and it’s this guy: (more…)

Thanks to This Teaser Trailer, Waiting for Scott Pilgrim vs. the World Is Going to Be the Worst
March 25, 2010

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is going to come out August 13th.  Today is March 25th.  That means Scott Pilgrim vs the World isn’t going to be in theaters for nearly five months.  That is unacceptable because this teaser is amazing:

(more…)

Glee‘s Sue Sylvester Wants YOU to Swish Up Your Gay Game
March 25, 2010

This may come as a surprise, but I never really got into Glee.  I always enjoyed the episodes I caught, but I never really committed to its sparkle motion in the ways I feel I should have.  Some people might call this a gay FAIL.  Sue Sylvester calls it being a sneaky gay, and oh girl does she not approve:

Fortunately for me, I’m pretty sure the frequency with which I queen the fuck out is just my own special Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner brand of swishery, so I imagine she’d ultimately approve.

She’d just prefer it in a pair of gay claws.

Important Moments in Lost FAILs: Lost Fails to Deliver Sufficient Levels of Dick Alpert Hotness, Abs
March 24, 2010

As a self-admitted Lost fan facing the rapidly approaching series finale, I try to remind myself that despite all the years of obsessive speculation and moments of howler-monkeying at the television in shock/frustration/amazement, Lost is only a show, and so it is only natural for it to occasionally slip up.  After all, how else do the explain the utterly delicious third season mistake that was Paulo?

Or his partner in crime, Nikki?

Her catchphrase?  Also delicious.  The rest?  Not so much.  Small wonder her character was buried alive, though it’s such a shame Rodrigo Santoro had to go with her.  Double whoops on the sexy front, Lost writers!

Anywhoozle, I fully accept that no show–including Lost–will ever be perfect, and I can make peace with the occasional Lost misstep much like I eventually made peace with the public school storyarc in the third season of The O.C.; HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean I won’t call things like I see ’em, which brings us to this:

(more…)

In Honor of the 105th Anniversary of Her Birthday, Here’s a Bevy of Joan Crawford Doing What Joan Crawford Does Best
March 23, 2010

From a still for the 1932 film Letty Lynton, here’s Joan Crawford epitomizing 1930s glamor in front of the most glorious Art Deco revolving doorway I’ve ever seen:

I’d like to imagine that this is the gay man’s version (or at least this gay man’s version) of Saint Peter and the Pearly Gates, but that might count too much of a good thing even by Heaven’s standards, so I can be willing to settle for just the doorway.

Here’s Joan Crawford’s cameo in the 1949 Doris Day vehicle It’s a Great Feeling:

Or as I like to call it, “Joan Crawford in furs, birthing cinematic Postmodernism.”

And then there’s Queen Bee, which leaves me without many words whether it’s as a single image:

(more…)

Things Upon Which Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner and an Actual Baby Can Agree: Miley Cyrus
March 23, 2010

I usually imagine that about the only thing babies and I share in common is a failure to be discerning with what we should put in our mouths.  Seriously, if you put a handful of dusty Planter’s Cheez Ball between me and a baby, there would be a bitch vs. baby throw down to see who could snatch them up.  Otherwise, though, I’m pretty sure the only thing babies and I could agree upon is that there are a whole lot of bare breasts Showgirls, but guess which one of us actually finds that enthralling.

Anyways, this baby proves me wrong by having a response to Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the USA” that’s only slightly less visceral than my own:

I would’ve hurled myself straight out of that damn baby prison high chair, but that’s just me.

On a tangential note, I hope science can figure out what makes this baby hate Miley Cyrus so much, at which point science then institutes a policy making it a prerequisite in all of our Gattaca mail order babies.  But again, that’s just me.

Much love to Best Week Ever for the find.

Hold on to Your Ovaries, ‘Cos Here’s a Baby Lamb Jumping Around a House
March 22, 2010

After watching this video, a part of me wants to rethink my feelings about lamb chops in the same way watching Babe always causes me to have a crisis of bacon.  While I recognize I wouldn’t make a particularly pleasant or even remotely successful vegetarian, it’s hard to not feel guilty about taking such pleasure in eating something so adorable.

But then I remember the lamb chops:

(more…)

Today in Hard Hitting Questions: What’s Your Bad Idea “Bombshell” McGee Forehead Tattoo?
March 19, 2010

It was brought to my attention yesterday that there’s some surprise that Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has yet to address the human Ipecac that is Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.  Well, more specifically, the tattoo she has on her forehead.  The one that looks like this:

(a Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner artistic rendition in Photoshop excellence)

Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but for realsies: according to Terra, “Bombshell” McGee had “Pray for us sinners” tattooed on her forehead because she believes “we’re all sinners in life.”   Which perhaps explains the allegations of Nazi salutes and Swastika tattoos?

“Bombshell” McGee: Whoops, did heiling Hitler upset the kids again?

Ex-Husband: Duh.

“Bombshell” McGee: Well, I guess we’re all sinners in life.

Boo, you whore.  No, literally this time.

ANYWAYS, when this tattoo isn’t serving as a glaring example of her having all the spiritual depth of a person boneheaded enough to think tattooing “Pray for us sinners” on your forehead somehow makes you spiritually deep, it’s a fine example of a bad idea.  Like, a really bad idea.  Because it’s on your damn forehead, and only bangs can hide an embarrassment like that, which is like trying to hide the fact that you just pissed your pants at the bar by ripping a fart that could clear out a night club.  So while I’m pretty sure having a forehead tattoo automatically guarantees you a competitive spot at this year’s The Worsties, I at least think we can at least do slightly better than what we’re currently working with, so let’s all jump and see what we can come up with:

(more…)

Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Anecdote Corner: On Sportiness
March 18, 2010

When one of my coworkers today jokingly commented how I kicked a foil ball like a girl (don’t ask), I realized how terribly unflattering that comment is.  To girls.  Have you ever seen a girl play soccer?  And I’m not even talking professional soccer.  The girls that make up the reject team for the local little league soccer team probably have a more effective sense of foot-eye coordination.  Seriously, some days it’s a small miracle I haven’t yet died going up a flight of stairs.  But I digress.

My point is, I’m all for critiquing my kick style, but let’s keep it a little less gendered and a little more on the nose.  Or in other words, I kick like a drag queen on quaaludes and crutches.  RECOGNIZE!

It’s Probably Way Too Early for Me to Be This Excited About Elektra Luxx; But Also: OOPS!, Too Late!
March 17, 2010

Seeing as Elektra Luxx just premiered at SXSW, and seeing as this most likely means that (like its predecessor, Women in Trouble) Elektra Luxx won’t be released into theaters ’til late fall, I know I shouldn’t be getting worked up about seeing this movie quite so soon, PARTICULARLY when I still haven’t seen Women in Trouble to confirm if it is in fact the candy-colored campstravaganza I so hope it to be.  Seriously, this could be a recipe for most disappointing thing since that one time when the nerds saw Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace or that other time when I saw the trailer for Marc Vorlander’s Showgirls: The Return, but something tells me that’s doubtful, and that something is poster:

electra luxx posterErmm, I’m sorry, but in such instances of hot pink, European-movie-poster chic fabulousness, I’ve every reason to freak my freak out.  This poster has already won the Silver in the 2010 HomOlympics (Gold and Lifetime Achievements went to Johnny Weir because le duh), so let’s not even talk about the plot summary.  Wait, scratch that and channel some Jessica-Alba-in-Fantastic-Four annunciation: LET’S:

(more…)

The Official Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner Response to Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” ft. Beyoncé
March 12, 2010

Preaction:

Action:

Reaction:

(more…)

A Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner Promise: “Cycles” Will Blow Your F**kin’ Mind
March 10, 2010

Maybe it’s just me, but I never thought to wonder what it’d be like to trip balls on the boardwalk while listening to Gameboy music with an armful of teddy bears and a collection of M.C. Escher prints in hand.  Perhaps that makes me boring, but at least we now have an answer:

All of the sudden, I feel so less epicurean.  Don’t you?

So much love to Videogum for this synapse melter.

Sandra Lee Gives Great (Yuck) Face
March 10, 2010

Look, there’s little reason in trying to tell Sandra Lee a cocktail made from lemonade, heavy cream, and vodka is a probably not a good idea.  Seriously, that woman is an unstoppable freight train of batshit craziness fueled by tablescapes and liquid delicious (booze),which is hardly a bad thing.  It’s just a thing that means she’ll have to learn this particular lesson the hard way:

I’m pretty sure the first face she makes before she even pulls the glass away from her mouth is the one that says, “This was a bad idea.”  The other three-dozen or so faces are her figuring out exactly what sort of bad idea it is.  And while I’m no professional face reader, if this “I hope no one realizes I just threw up in my mouth a little” face is any indication of the taste-bud bleakness:

(more…)

Presented With Limited Commentary: Susan Powter Eating an Organic Pear
March 9, 2010

In the 90s, Susan Powter asked us stop the insanity.  But that was then, and this is now:  

I think we’re going to need a bigger catch phrase.

Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Terribly Timely and Totally Irresponsible Recaps: OSCARS!
March 9, 2010

You know, it’s times like this that I wonder if I should’ve devoted Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner to something like cat farts as opposed to pop culture because it’s hard to over think three hours of cat farts; real talk: blogs about cat farts write themselves.  Blogs that try to recap  rather paint-by-numbers Oscar ceremonies?  Not so much.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not like last night’s Academy Awards ceremony was an interminable bore.  After all, the woman whom shall henceforth forever be known on the interwebz as “Lady Kanye” has us all talking about the Best Documentary Short win, which is a real coup for a category of movies I know to exist only because they continue to get awards every year; otherwise, I remain vaguely convinced documentary shorts are like the Sasquatch of cinema, but I digress.

My point is that the Oscars were totally fine in the way that a largely predictable three-and-a-half hour Hollywood circle jerk is totally fine, but Oscar party margaritas have a tendency to make most anything better, so if it was worse than just watching a bunch of people win  the same awards we’ve been seeing them win all awards season, I honestly wasn’t paying attention.  Anywho, this ping-pong-ball-sized kidney stone of a blog post ain’t gonna pass itself, so let’s take one last look back and throw out some patently irresponsible kudos and sassy finger snaps to a few of the more mentionable moments:

First off, kudos are certainly in order for Mo’nique.  I’ve heard her performance is excellent, and I might even one day be able to personally attest to that, but even those few moments they showed during the Oscars were enough to thoroughly disturb me, and I really don’t need any more fodder for my nightmares.  Particularly when the Oscars were already getting ad revenue from the ultimate nightmare fuel:

(more…)

Code Red Nerd Altert: Ridley Scott’s Alien Prequel Is Going to Be in 3-D!
March 6, 2010

Let’s not pretend my feelings could have changed since the last time we talked about this:

Because they haven’t, and that shouldn’t come as a surprise.  After all, I once tried really hard to convince myself that AVP: Alien vs. Predator was not a colossal disappointment that made my soul hurt, and if that doesn’t speak to the lengths my love of the Alien franchise will take me, then you’ve obviously never seen AVP: Alien vs. Predator, and oh how I envy your unsullied eyes.

Anyways, ComingSoon.net has picked up on a story from Shadow Locked in which Roger Christian (who was art-director for the original Alien) claims that Ridley Scott’s intending to make his upcoming Alien prequel in 3-D, though I’ll let his own words take it from here:

Ridley’s doing the next Alien in 3D. Ridley told me some of his ideas when we were here in Toronto. He has a very clear understanding of where this should go. They kind of stopped dead one of the greatest horror franchises there’s ever been, and it had legs to go on. So I’m hoping he’ll revive another three. The world certainly wants it, and the fans want it – everybody.

Sure, Hollywood’s current obsession with making every potential blockbuster a 3-D spectacular already has me near fatigue, but Alien built its tension through its brilliant use of space, which means I can’t even imagine the throes of ecstasy that Ridley Scott moving his camera through a cavernous, Nostromo-esque ship will bring when it’s in 3-D.  Seriously, I really can’t handle news this nerdgasmic, so I’ll just let my Photoshop Skillz speak on my behalf:

(more…)

%d bloggers like this: