Rest In Peace, Patty Duke March 29, 2016

There are few performances more sublime than Patty Duke’s in Valley of the Dolls, so this little corner of the internet would be remiss if it didn’t pause to pay tribute to her pantheonic turn as Neely O’Hara.

Thank you for sparkling, Patty Duke.

In Honor of Andrzej Zulawski’s Passing, a Scene from Possession February 17, 2016

It’s being reported today that after a long battle with cancer, Polish filmmaker Andrzej Zulawski has passed away at 75. For anyone who’s a cinephile or an aficionado of cultural excess and eccentricity, it is a great loss.

I’ve only seen a couple of his movies, but one of them was Possession, and that movie really cut through the fog of my late twenties. It’s surreal and uninhibited and distressing and beautiful, and I couldn’t believe anybody made movies like this.

Possession also contains a truly exceptional performance by Isabelle Adjani. It’s wholly unrestrained and indicative of Zulawki’s weird, singular genius:

Super Mother Bug Breaking News! Ashley Judd Is Coming to Twin Peaks! February 13, 2016

As if there weren’t enough reasons to be excited, Ashley Judd (seen above looking down and out in great way in William Friedkin’s brilliant adaptation of Tracy Letts’ Bug) has been cast in Showtime’s revival of Twin Peaks. No word yet on who she’ll play, but this is excellent news because Ashley Judd is wonderful and isn’t cast in nearly enough stuff for my taste.

Also, it’s as good of an excuse as any to post this bugf*ck crazy (laaazy pun intended) clip from the end of Bug, which is one of my favorite things. Ever. Spoilers, obviously, but if you haven’t already seen it, consider it also an invitation to do so:

Bonne Anniversaire, Blog; or, Welcome to the Seven Year Itch February 3, 2016

 

Maybe it’s just me, but birthdays are a bit of a weird thing, and blog birthdays weirder still. I’m a sucker for the sentiment, but often at a loss for what to do with them. In years past, I’ve tried to be pithy about it, but these days pithy feels frivolous and deflective, so please pardon me while I interrupt our irregularly scheduled programming for a little sentimental reflection. Think of this as a fresh start, a (re)introduction.

Hello, this is Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner, and I’m a blogoholic.

Never Forget Groundhog Day 2014 February 2, 2016

It’s Groundhog Day today, which means a groundhog may or may not see its shadow, we may or may not have six more weeks of winter, and whatever the weather, we’ll definitely continue to avoid facing the realities of climate change. So in lieu of a conversation about carbon taxes (blech, so boring!), let’s never forget Groundhog Day 2014, a Groundhog Day that will live in infamy.

This Krispy Kreme Hot Dog Is Not an April Fools’ Joke, Y’all April 1, 2015

 I repeat: this Krispy Kreme Hot Dog is not an April Fools’ joke, y’all. It is a cross-promotion between the New Castle Krispy Kreme and the Wilmington Blue Rocks, a minor league baseball team in Wilmington, Delaware. The Krispy Kreme Hot Dog is a hot dog covered in bacon, drizzled with raspberry jam, and served inside a Krispy Kreme doughnut.

It’s “a new chapter in ballpark concessions”, and that chapter is titled “Sweet Jesus.” It’s a reminder that there is no crying in baseball, but there is an ever-present threat of cardiac arrest. It’s a desperate howl from the monster mouth of a national pastime gone awry. The Krispy Kreme Hot Dog is why you’re Shaq fat, America, and it’s why I wish I knew how to quit you:

An Open “Letter” In Response To The State of Indiana March 27, 2015

That is all.

Cate Blanchett Will Not Have Your Stupid Questions, Either March 26, 2015

In what I can only hope becomes one of the defining trends of 2015, another incredibly talented actress gave a delightfully Done With It response to a very stupid question. This time, a journalist asked Cate Blanchett a very stupid question about cats on leashes while she was doing press for Cinderella, and Cate Blanchett was not having it at all:

12 Hot Celebrities Who Should Teach Us How to Navy Shower March 23, 2015

With only a year’s supply of water left, Californians are eager to find ways to conserve water pronto! One of the suggestions I keep hearing about is taking a navy shower, but when you look up how to take a navy shower, you get videos like the one above: informative, serviceable, and not one single sexy famous person in sight! Seriously, is California’s diminishing water supply even an issue if much, much prettier people aren’t telling us it’s a problem? No! And will we pay attention unless it’s a packaged in a listicle that guarantees at least a little nip? NO. There’s but one sensible solution: navy shower educational videos by super hot celebrities.

That’s why I’ve put together this proposed list of twelve blistering hot celebrities who should Show Us Some Peen If You Want Us to Go Green™. The thirst is real, after all, but if these celebs don’t drop trou to take a stand for navy showers, it’s gonna get literal for California, y’all:

TGIF! Now Here’s Jessica Lange’s Perfect Response to Lady Gaga Joining American Horror Story March 20, 2015

The internet has momentarily clutched its pearls and lost its damn mind over over whatever this means, and oh dear god, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!? Well, whatever it means, it’s perfect.

The consensus seems to be that Jessica Lange shaded Lady Gaga over her joining the cast of American Horror Story: Hotel, so shots fired, queens! And sure, while that’s entirely possible, I think we should all be asking what kind of dumb question is “Does Gaga convince you [Jessica Lange] to stay for another season?” Seriously, what does that mean? Jessica Lange is Jessica F***ing Lange, and she does as she pleases, no questions asked!

Ooh, Heaven Is a Place on the Corner of 6th Ave and 37th Street March 11, 2015

Or at least it will be come this summer…

Crain’s New York Business is reporting that Chick-fil-A is set to open a three-story (!!!) restaurant at the corner of Sixth Avenue and West 37th Street later this summer. That’s mere blocks from where I work and one step closer to traveling to being so morbidly obese I travel by Rascal. *sigh* On the plus side, now I one less reason to consider leaving New York City, at least until they close all the White Castles and affordable rent goes the way of the dodo, the dinosaur, and my dignity. So give it a couple more years, okay Atlanta?

And yes, I’m aware that Chick-fil-A is a Homo No-No in certain circles, to which I say:

NYC PSA: Licking Subways A-OK! March 5, 2015

Gothamist recently reported that, according to Weill Cornell Medical College’s Dr. Chris Mason, “you’d probably be fine” from licking a subway pole. This is excellent news for germaphobic pole fetishists and the perfect excuse to me photoshop the above beauty into existence! What time is it? IT’S SHOW(girls)TIME!

Surprise! There’s Going to Be a Brittany Murphy Biopic on Lifetime August 14, 2014

Well, well, well, this certainly comes as a surprise. It looks like Brittany Murphy (seen above in a dazzling still from Spun), who tragically passed away in 2009, will be getting the Lifetime biopic treatment. Between this and The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story, Lifetime looks to be chasing the nostalgic-millennials-with-a-penchant-for-hot-garbage market hard.

Us Weekly is reporting that Lifetime will air The Brittany Murphy Story on September 6th. Last Man Standing‘s Amanda Fuller will star as Brittany, and Sherilyn Fenn (!!!) will play Britanny’s mom, Sharon Murphy. I’m all for Sherilyn Fenn being cast in anything (Twin Peaks 4EVER), but I’m not sure about Amanda Fuller. She doesn’t really look at all like Brittany Murphy. Then again, Lifetime’s casting agents have done far worse.

Rest in Peace, Lauren Bacall August 13, 2014

[Image via Doctor Macro]

Rest in Peace, Robin Williams August 11, 2014

Today in Poor Life Choices: Mischa Barton Regrets Starring in The O.C. August 7, 2014

If the above picture is any indication, Mischa Barton recently took a break from perfecting her boho American Horror Story: Coven cosplay and sat down for an interview with Metro to talk about being new FACE of Vapestick. Since that story is probably just as exciting as it doesn’t sound like at all, Metro went with Mischa taking a kitten swipe at her past success instead:

Lindsay Lohan Is Serving Us a White-Hot Plate of Dental Glamour October 14, 2011

Mere nights ago, international lady of leisure, should’ve-been-Swan-Queen, and perennial tabloid critter Lindsay Lohan stepped out to an event to bring the paparazzi the sort refined elegance only a hobo corpse playing dress-up in a Forever 21 dumpster could offer. Just kidding! As usual, she looked gorgeous, so before you start trying to cast shade upon such pristinely polished beauty, let me remind you what her rep (Dina Lohan with the voice changer from the Scream movies, most likely) had to say to People:

Lindsay is widely acknowledged as one of the most stunning actresses of her day, and we get requests every week wanting to do photo shoots with her from top photographers.

She’s been on the cover of Vanity Fair and the top beauty and fashion magazines. She’s a beautiful and glamorous actress.

With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I’m going to comment on Lindsay’s teeth.

Don’t you get it, internet? She’s an actress! Never mind that her hands look like those of a street walker practicing her craft with sand paper and Sharpie markers; SHE’S READY FOR HER CLOSE-UP, MR. DEMILLE:

Steve Jobs (1955-2011) October 6, 2011

By now, I’m sure we’ve all heard the sad news of Steve Jobs’s untimely passing after a long, brave battle with pancreatic cancer. This not being a tech blog, perhaps it doesn’t quite fall under the banner of things covered by a little corner of the internet where camp is queen. That said, it would feel even more inappropriate to not offer a moment of gratitude to Mr. Jobs for all that he’s done throughout the years.

So thank you, Mr. Jobs, for the iMac and the MacBook and the iPod and the iPhone that have changed how we interface with technology and experience and enjoy music and film. They help make this blog possible.

Irresponsible Mad Men Recaps Are Back, Irresponsibler Than Ever! July 29, 2011

Obviously this is you right now in light of such news, but calm it down, Sally Draper. Simply put, the decision to bring back Irresponsible Mad Men Recaps has come on the heels of a few pressing issues I’ve been meaning to address:

1. Recapping the first episode, posting a GIF of Peggy on a motorcycle, and making a Peggy faceplant GIF do not a recapped fourth season make, and blog promises are still promises, so suffice it to say, we (me, fourth season Mad Men, and the award-worthy Miss Blankenship) have some unfinished business to attend to.

Lindsay Lohan Could (Should?) Have Been the Swan Queen! July 15, 2011

Well, well, well. The gossip world’s abuzz with claims that perennial tabloid critter and one-time Nina Sayers of Quiznos ads, Lindsay Lohan, may have a chip on her shoulder for never getting so much as a casting call for Black Swan. Obviously a story this good demands some equally grand ‘n glorious Photoshopping, so here you go:

Long story short, Us Weekly reports that Lindsay Lohan apparently flew down for a photo shoot and interview with Plum Miami Magazine, and when she proceeded to back out of the interview, writer Jacquelynn Powers went ahead with a story chronicling both Lindsay Lohan’s eloquence (“Move that cone. I’m Lindsay Lohan.”) and perceived career slights:

Frustrated with the state of her career, Lohan said she “took ballet until she was 19 and was indignant that she was not considered for the movie Black Swan,” Powers adds.

For such bravery in the face of Dina Lohan’s inevitable wrath, I do believe Ms. Powers deserves a “Bitch, you bold!” AND a gold star, y’all.

You know, there used to be a time when we’d hear stories about the roles Lindsay Lohan refused to take or speculate about possible Lohan-related video games, but now it’s stories about roles Lindsay Lohan believes she should have been (but wasn’t even) offered? I mean, I’m happy that she’s got as firm a grasp on reality as Natalie Portman did during that one scene in Black Swan when Mila Kunis took a swan dive into her smiling snatch (terrible pun and a Showgirls line grab! + +!), but why does the gossip world have to tease us so? Black Swan brilliance mixed with the sort of bravura acting last witnessed in I Know Who Killed Me? Obviously we need more Photoshopping to imagine how this better, batsh*ttier Black Swan Version 2.OMGWANT!!! could’ve ended: