Since It’s Somehow *Not* a Thing, Here’s a “Yas Queen Amidala” GIF
March 9, 2016

yas-queen-amidala

I’ll admit that I’m a little surprised, if not disappointed, that the internet hasn’t yet birthed a Broad City/Star Wars crossover GIF of my our hopes and dreams. It seems so obvious that it should’ve already happened, but it hasn’t, so here were are. Either people just hate the prequel trilogy that much, or other people have better things to do with their lunch breaks than combines all the things they love (like flamboyant homosexuality, cultural objects of undue derision, and puns) into a single GIF that positively screams “I HAVE NO LIFE!” “YAS QUEEN…AMIDALAAA!”

Whatever the case, I’m glad I made this GIF for you and the queen in your life who loves their swishiness shrill and their galaxies far, far away. After all, “If you see a hole, fill it” are words I try to blog by, as well as the house rule at Jabba the Slutt’s Palace.

What ELSE Should the Internet Have Empire Strikes Back Reveal Kid React To?
October 7, 2011

Don’t get me wrong, y’all. The above video of one kid’s legitimately adorable reaction to the climactic reveal in The Empire Strikes Back is worthy of its viral status. I mean, it’s basically a ticking ovary time bomb of cold-fusion cuteness. But wouldn’t the parents rather experience such a moment without the filter of a Flip Cam, or do parents just record and upload anything to YouTube these days? I don’t know. I didn’t write the chapter on making your child a momentary internet super star, which is good, because it’d look like this:

  1. Sparkle!
  2. More Dolls!
  3. SPARKLE!

Patty Duke would be proud, but Children’s Services? Not so much, but I digress.

As I was saying, this being the internet, when Videogum’s Kelly joked that it’ll be great to start recording childrens’ reactions to every movie (like David Fincher’s Se7en, for example), the internet must naturally abide:

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The New Salt Poster Is All About FACE. Nightmare FACE, That Is
May 20, 2010

You know, I really have to wonder what’s going on in the marketing department for Salt, because at certain point it stopped seeming like they understood what sort of movie they’re trying to advertise, and if that point wasn’t never, it’s most certainly this new poster from over at FilmoFilia:

I mean, yipes!  I’m not sure if this poster is for an espionage thriller starring Angelina Jolie or a movie with the working title Action Wig: Cat-Eyed Meth Head and the Case of the Purloined Upper-Lip Plumper.  Either way, DO NOT WANT.

Sure, I’m not saying that this is anywhere near as bad as Plastic-Faced She Beasts of the Glittery Gay Moon of Tatooine:

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Happy Star Wars Day! Now Let’s All Watch This Epic Review of Attack of the Clones
May 4, 2010

True story, y’all: in my youth, I spent about as much time in my parents’ bedroom watching the classic Star Wars trilogy as I did prancing about pretending I was the star ballet dancer (affectionately nicknamed “Spotlight Spotlight Dancer”) in a production of Tchaichovsky’s The Nutcracker.  Both activities were encouraged by my parents, which–looking back–explains so very, very much about the man I am today.  That, and the one time I washed my neighborfriend’s Barbie’s hair in the bathroom sink.

ANYWAYS, as a result of of my upbringing, there aren’t many things in life that I miss quite like Carrie’s puns (it’s a homo thing), but those halycon hours I as a wee gay in spent in a galaxy far, far away most certainly are one of them (it’s a nerd thing), so it’s without reservation that I bid you all good tidings on today’s most joyous of fake holidays:

happy star wars day yoda carrie bradshaw puns

It goes without saying that this pun is like Darth Vader force choking your ear drums, so yeouch!  But it’s also a nice little way to take a moment out of your day and appreciate how Star Wars might have made your life a little better.  Or, if you’re feeling like a regular ol’ Scrooge, so much worse.  For your eyes.  And your soul.  You know exactly what I’m talking about:

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The 70-Minute Star Wars: The Phantom Menace Is the Best 70 Minutes You’ll Spend All Day
December 19, 2009

I’ve never fully understood the Star Wars: The Phantom Menace backlash.  It’s damn painful in parts (mostly the parts with Jar Jar Binks or Jake Lloyd), but I’ve always been willing to allow for its (frequent) missteps as inevitable the result of George Lucas being rusty and out of touch with what made the original trilogy a cultural milestone; after all, taking twenty-some-odd years away from the story that made you famous can do that.  I’m not saying The Phantom Menace is an unheralded classic, but I am saying we’re all allowed to make mistakes, and at least those mistakes don’t involve sloppily borrowing from not one but two Ridley Scott movies.  Whoops, Attack of the Clones, that’s your bad-idea cross to bare.

Anyways, there’s now a thorough (70-minutes long) and compelling (utterly hilarious) argument for The Phantom Menace being the nadir of the series.  That may seem like too much time to commit to one nerd’s take down of a movie that wasn’t worth its own bloated running time in the first place, but it’s not:

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David Lynch Opens Up About Turning Down Return of the Jedi
December 10, 2009

I vaguely recall having read somewhere that David Lynch was offered the opportunity to direct Return of the Jedi, which is the sort of curious tidbit of film history that I wish I didn’t know because that ridicufest would’ve been amaaazing.  We’ll sadly never know what sort of batshit insanity that would have wrought upon us, but I’d like to imagine that it would involve Agent Cooper as a member of the Rebel Alliance, Ewoks in red suits that talked backwards, and Jabba the Hutt huffing nitrous oxide to Bobby Vinton while he fingerbanged Princess Leia:

Also, everybody would celebrate the fall of the Empire with cherry pie, and then our eyeballs would burst into flame like a Jedi funeral pyre from all the crazy.

ANYWAYS, Ain’t It Cool News stumbled upon a video of David Lynch discussing why he ended up deciding to pass on directing Return of the Jedi, and it’s like everything that’s not The Straight Story that David Lynch has ever done.  So, you know, delightfully weird:

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And Then There Were Three
July 15, 2009

I swear, y’all!  I go away for one extended weekend and suddenly this blog’s gone to shenanigans!  Shmathan’s stripping down and getting the vapors over some sort of beefcake (I must admit that I’m partial to Red Velvet, so he can have at that), Shmarker lost his blogging v-card with an impressive 2,000+ words of crazy (not a bad thing, but this is a blog and not James Joyce’s Ulysses), and I’m in the midst of a blog existential crisis: Am I still the gay blogger version of Emperor Palpatine?  I know there can be only two, but now I’ve got three!  DAMNIT!  Rules are rules, so I guess, it’s time to emulate bigger and badder bitches.  Like this mind-blowing piece of undeniable gorgeousness:

Heidi Fleiss

Yup, that’s right: Heidi “Hollywood’s Madam” Fleiss.  I figure that, if I’m gonna be running a veritable brothel of blogertainment, I might as well model myself after the epitome of class.  After all, it was Ms. Fleiss that educated us on Charlie Sheen’s great love for hookers.  If it weren’t for that bombshell, his marriage to Denise Richards would’ve never made any sense!

When you think about it, she’s the perfect role model.  She has a celebrated career in Hollywood, a keen entrepreneurial sense, and naturally stunning features.  She also makes excellent choices.

Oh, wait:

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Today’s Secret Shame: I’ve Been Known to Do a Crazy Dance
July 2, 2009

Apparently my long-time friend and apprentice to my evil blog empire took offense at yesterday’s post about Hilary Duff post:

shmathan is displeased

Why?  Because apparently I neglected to mention that, in our sophomore year of college, Shmathan and were known to sing and dance to Ms. Duff’s ode to empowering spontaneity, “Why Not?”  I was going to be all apologetic and write a nostalgic post about all the wonderful times we’ve had, but I’ve unexpectedly come down with a case of the Carly Simons.  Symptoms include fever, nausea, and betting you think this blog is about you.  I mean, really, the indignation of it all!  How dare he?  Does he not know that my blog powers cannot be defeated:

Correction: My UNLIMITED POWAAAAAH (at blogging) cannot be defeated.  

Still, I must admit that, watching this clip, I cannot help but grow a little touched.  It was Shmathan and I who relished the camp pleasure of Ian McDiarmid’s batshit insane performance in Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith time and time again.  Shmathan was the one who solved the Rubick’s cube that is Jessica Alba’s acting style; and, yes, it was Shmathan who convinced me to do a crazy dance in the dorms, time and time again.  Damn you, nostalgia!  Must you be my Waterloo?  

Anywhosie, enough of that nonsense.  Now that I’ve shed my single tear of emotion, I need to touch-up my bitchface and get back to blogging like I only intend to see you next Tuesday.  And Shmathan, consider yourself spared.  This time.  Next time I’ll be considerably less favorable.  As if you could ever have the strength or fortitude to hijack my blogging for your own pety desires!  Ha!  POWAH!  UNLIMITED POW-

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