With only a year’s supply of water left, Californians are eager to find ways to conserve water pronto! One of the suggestions I keep hearing about is taking a navy shower, but when you look up how to take a navy shower, you get videos like the one above: informative, serviceable, and not one single sexy famous person in sight! Seriously, is California’s diminishing water supply even an issue if much, much prettier people aren’t telling us it’s a problem? No! And will we pay attention unless it’s a packaged in a listicle that guarantees at least a little nip? NO. There’s but one sensible solution: navy shower educational videos by super hot celebrities.
That’s why I’ve put together this proposed list of twelve blistering hot celebrities who should Show Us Some Peen If You Want Us to Go Green™. The thirst is real, after all, but if these celebs don’t drop trou to take a stand for navy showers, it’s gonna get literal for California, y’all:
So, I’m sitting here in a Marietta Starbucks, missing New York and hopped up on way too much caffeine–provided by mine and Benji’s favorite barista, Shmason–and passing the time by cackling not-so-quietly to Benji’s latest witticisms. His last post, with its mention of the possibility that YouTube’s intuitive recommendations may be a sign of the coming Robot Apocalypse, got me thinking. Personally, I’ve always found the evolution of artificial intelligence fascinating and frightening. I have also long believed that the tech geeks at Google (which is truly becoming the repository of all knowledge…) are one wrong algorithm away from creating Skynet, or worse, Brainiac.
Well, dear readers. It is Saturday night, and the work week is done. Nothing remains other than a complete and utter surrender…to excess. The wine is chilled, the movies are bad, and the desserts are filled with empty calories. So without further ado, let me introduce you to…
Allow me to introduce your hostesses this evening. I am Shmathana, Comtesse de Homósexualitat and joining me is her exalted majesty, Benjilina, Duchess of Gaylandia. And this evening, it is our delight and privilege to bring you at last, and as so long promised, the official Nobody Puts Baby In A Horner review of…Powder Blue. You’ve longed for it. You’ve dreamt of it. And now, it is within your reach. Yes dear readers…
And without further ceremony, let’s pop the bottles, and dive right in! (Please Note, this post is NSFBM…Not Safe For Benji’s Mom)
Despite the general bitchiness with which I express myself on this blog, I am actually a pretty nice person. I hold doors open and give up my seat on the subway to old ladies. I’m good people. Consequently, I don’t normally find the suffering of another human being enjoyable. But there are exceptions. For example, when a person has committed High Crimes and Misdemeanors against all of mankind, I find a certain sense of joy in the miserable existence he reaps as a consequence. But who is this person, you may ask? This person against whom I direct such righteous fury? The answer, dear readers, is Jake Lloyd.
When cinema critics look back on the abomination that was The Phantom Menance, they have no shortage of targets. The fact that Lucas went batshit crazy for CGI effects at the expense of actual dialog. The fact that the mystical nature of the Force which had intrigued science fiction afficionados for decades was reduced to something as lame as midichlorians. That every CGI alien from the Nemoidians to Watto was some sort of racial stereotype. And of course, in that vein, the introduction of the worst most offensive character in the history of Science Fiction: Jar Jar Binks. And then, there is Jake Lloyd.
Jake Lloyd, or as I like to call him “Mannequin Skywalker” for the unnatural, plastic manner in which he “acted.” Now, I know some people would jump to his defense, saying he was only ten years old. No dice. Talent is not defined by age. Anna Paquin won an academy award at 12. Dakota Fanning had more presence at eight years old than most actresses muster in their prime. The simple truth is, Lloyd’s pathetic articulations and awkward manner meant he couldn’t even play a kid naturally. You have to really suck to be a ten year old boy who fails at playing a ten year old boy believably. He deserved every savage review he received at the time. And now, ten years later, one might wonder how he’s doing. Well, wonder no more, and marvel at his recent interview at Australia ComicCon.
To quote the great Jane Lynch: “Your resentment is delicious.” (more…)
Let me lay the scene. It’s 3 AM. I am minding my own business, riding the 2 Train home to rest my weary head. I am not in the best of moods, having spent the last 18 hours trying to cram my head full of New York Civil Procedure for the bar exam (which is now 5 days away!). I had to wait 45 minutes for an afterhours train and the dipshit next to me has spilled their drink all over me. But all of this is accepted calmly and with poise. What came next, however, was the last straw.
Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner 