Let’s Go BRODYQUESTin’
June 3, 2010

Adrien Brody co-starring with Sarah Polley in Splice:

Adrien Brody starring in and being special enough to get his own poster for Predators:

predators poster royce adrien brody

Adrien Brody going on his BRODYQUEST:

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Random Thoughts I Had While Watching Sex and the City 2
June 2, 2010

This past Memorial Day, I went to go see Sex and the City 2.  Here are some thoughts (besides “UGH!”) that crossed my mind over the course of the afternoon:

  • This is the actual display sponsored by Skyy vodka in the lobby of the theater where I went to see Sex and the City 2:

  • Let’s be clear on this: here is a vodka selling a movie that’s selling an impossibly “fabulous” nightmare fantasy lifestyle.  Perfect.  The movie hasn’t even begun, and I already wish I was blackout drunk from a shoetini bender.
  • On second thought, I’d rather conserve brain cells (I am going to see Sex and the City 2, after all) and just eat my feelings (impending sense of dread, unfathomable sorrow) instead.  Seeing as it’s Memorial Day, I’m in the mood for hot dogs.  Seriously, federally sanctioned summer holidays always put me in the mood for a hot dog.  Go figure.
  • Oh, and speaking of things that put me in the mood for hot dogs:

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The New Salt Poster Is All About FACE. Nightmare FACE, That Is
May 20, 2010

You know, I really have to wonder what’s going on in the marketing department for Salt, because at certain point it stopped seeming like they understood what sort of movie they’re trying to advertise, and if that point wasn’t never, it’s most certainly this new poster from over at FilmoFilia:

I mean, yipes!  I’m not sure if this poster is for an espionage thriller starring Angelina Jolie or a movie with the working title Action Wig: Cat-Eyed Meth Head and the Case of the Purloined Upper-Lip Plumper.  Either way, DO NOT WANT.

Sure, I’m not saying that this is anywhere near as bad as Plastic-Faced She Beasts of the Glittery Gay Moon of Tatooine:

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The Super 8 Teaser Trailer Has Leaked Online, So Let’s All Be Nerds and Get It While It’s Hot
May 7, 2010

Call me a persnickety bitch, but I normally try to avoid posting an obvious bootleg of a trailer.  The video quality’s never particularly great, the damn thing will inevitably get yanked down from YouTube the second that the suits get wind of its leak, and besides, I prefer patience over the tacky interweb nerd impulse to be first because I like to think it speaks of my refined aesthetic appreciation (Showgirls).  That said, Super 8 is a J.J. Abrams movie produced by Steven Spielberg, which means this teaser trailer is just as exciting as a teaser trailer for a Michael Bay movie produced by Steven Spielberg except for the whole I-was-being-ironic thing, so you know what?  Nerd up, bitches, ‘cos FIRST (or, at this point, LAST?):

Obviously we know nothing about this movie save for that: a) there’s a literal train wreck (as opposed to the metaphorical train wreck that is a Michael Bay movie), and b) this movie’s most likely about a space alien from Area 51, but apparently that’s all I need for me to know what I’ll be doing with my $12.50 at some indeterminate time that’s over a year away.  So kudos to you, J.J. Abrams.  Even though Super 8 has as much potential as it does buzz (bahoodles), you’ve also once again proven that it takes practically NOTHING to get me interested in a movie.  Sorta like that one movie I was excited to see simply because it was starring Sharon Stone, and then it  you incidentally happened to have a supporting role, which was weird:

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I Still Think Salt’s Advertising Is Missing the Point of the Movie
April 1, 2010

It makes good business sense to push an Angelina Jolie spy thriller with obligatory scenes of Angelina Jolie being fierce and doing action things and gratuitous scenes of Angelina Jolie having boobs and doing “sexy” things, so I suppose this new trailer for Salt achieved what it set out to do:

I think my problem is that I don’t particularly care about the central mystery of who Evelyn Salt is.  I’m more concerned with why this movie isn’t called Action Wig.  Or The Bangs Supremacy.  All of this double-agent stuff seems so secondary when you look like your hair stylist is an astygmatic drag queen who only shops at the Bargain Basement.

This Trailer for Marmaduke Makes Me Reconsider My Thoughts on Gay Adoption, Babies in General
March 26, 2010

After all, if gays can’t adopt, then I won’t want a Gattaca mail order baby of my very own, which means I’ll never have to worry about listening to my kid throw a shit fit when I refuse to rent them Marmaduke.  Sure, the other soccer moms might think that makes me a pretentious bitch who’s unfit to raise a child, but take look at this mess and tell me I’m wrong:

Okay, I’ll admit that the part of me that loves train wrecks definitely did a this at the end of the trailer, but most of me just feels sorry for Lee Pace and Judy Greer and William H. Macy.  Sure, Ron Perlman and Steve Coogan are also much better than this, but at least they don’t have to show their faces, and Keifer Sutherland had the sage wisdom to leave this one off of his IMDB page.  Lee Pace and Judy Greer and William H. Macy have neither of those luxuries.  This makes me sad.

As for my fake ovaries, they’re quite happy to be fake right about now because for realsies:

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The Iron Man 2 Teaser Trailer Is THE Summer Movie Hotness. Le DUH.
December 17, 2009

I don’t know about you, but last night I had a rather delicious filet mignon at my office’s holiday dinner party, then I came home, and then I promptly shat my nerd pants.  Why?  Because the Iron Man 2 teaser trailer dropped last night, and it’s so damn good that you don’t even have to be a nerd to lose your shit over it.  Being a nerd naturally helps, but it’s really over just a difference of whether you poop your pants a lot or your poop your pants even more than that.  Don’t believe me?  Just click the poster below and experience the the hotness, but be sure you’ve got an adult diaper on:

Everything about this trailer’s obviously the best, but I love how they’re sure to include a moment of Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow’s utterly delicious screwball chemistry.  It makes me think of Iron Man 2 as His Girl Friday, but with robots and explosions and weird facial hair, so basically perfect.

Still, as much as it’s impossible to not love the Iron Man 2 teaser trailer, I’m willing to bet there’s at least one person that is not one of Iron Man 2‘s fans:

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Why Is Nobody Talking About the Things We Should All Be Talking About When We Talk About Salt?
November 18, 2009

It never ceases to amaze me what will cause a stir on the interwebs.  I get that it’s a rat race and we’re all just trying to get a piece of the cheese, but when that cheese is a picture of Angelina Jolie’s face that serves as the teaser poster for next summer’s Salt, I really get amazed:

I mean, yay?

Don’t get me wrong.  This poster is perfectly fine, and I’ll no doubt be seeing Salt next summer.  Angelina Jolie has a curious hold on me like that.  I saw Changeling just to see her bring the classic-Hollywood-esque hysterics.  Hell, I even subjected myself to Wanted, which says loads about how appealing I find her as an actress and how I have no self-respect.  Still, as much as I guess there’s a certain newsworthiness in the unveiling of a teaser poster for a movie that many of us will waste $12.50 because the magnetic draw of an Angelina Jolie action movie overrides one’s ability to make good life choices, it seems to me that there are bigger teaser poster fish for us to be frying, namely this one:

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Oh Look, a Poster for a Movie I’ll Probably Never See
July 21, 2009

Traditionally, teaser posters that come out nearly an entire year before their film’s release try to do what their name would imply, which is, you know, TEASE.  For example, that fabulous teaser poster for Cloverfield:

cloverfield teasiest poster

They don’t even give you a title, that’s how much they want to intrigue you with the delicious mysteriousness of it all.  And you know what?  As teaser posters go, that one teased me all the way into the movie theater!  Great job, J.J. Abrams and company.  Your posters never fail to work me into a frothing nerd frenzy.  I suppose it’s just my cross to bear.

Anyways, there’s a teaser poster now on the internet for next May’s Prince of Persia:The Sands of Time.  I know, I know, it’s TEN WHOLE MONTHS ’til it comes out, but I had to share it because it’s already tantalizing me with the prospect of avoiding the hell out of it:

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Wild Horses Cannot Drag Me Away From Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
June 24, 2009

Robo-testicles?

Check.

Wonky-eyed, racist caricature-bots?

Check and double-check.

Megan Fox giving lessons on how to dress appropriately for work?

megan fox infinity

Then there are the reviews, which confirm what I’ve long suspected.  Ladies and gentleman, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, which is at long last in theaters, seems like it’s going to be one seriously ferocious train wreck, no CGI necessary.

I may no longer be a teenager, and I certainly never was a straight man, so the reality of the situation is that I’m definitely not this movie’s target audience.  There will be no Shia LaBeouf in hot pants slouched over a motorcycle, and there are no reports of a gay robot that wishes all the Transformers could stop fighting and start striking a pose.  Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen will be loud and stupid and completely devoid of any positive social value, but it will at least be one thing other thing, and that thing will be over-the-top camp.  

“But wait,” you ask, “isn’t camp bedazzled, transparent badness capable of launching gays into giggle fits?”  Indubitably, my dears, but hear me out.  

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Bestest or Bad Idea?: MoMA’s Tim Burton Retrospective
June 15, 2009

Did you hear the breaking science news?  The Museum of Modern Art’s developed a nuclear-grade nostalgia bomb: on November 22nd, they plan to drop a career-wide Tim Burton retrospective, after which scores of movie lovers will be indubitably reduced to smoldering piles of enthusiastic screams and hyperventilation.  Really, every day at the MoMA will look like this:

janet-leigh-pyscho-squeee

My breath is quickening, my hands are shaking, and my ears are already bleeding from my anticipatory shrieks!  It’s just.  Too.  MUCH!  GYAH!!!

(…sorry ’bout that.)

Anyways, it’ll feature over 700 pieces (ranging from illustrations to film props and beyond), as well as a retrospective film series, so MoMA’s also discovered the way to beat the recession.  An exhibition this elaborate is going to inspire pilgrimages from the world over, and I highly imagine NYC is going to have to go on Nerd Alert: High ’til April 26th.  I be up on this exhibit like an ornate pattern on Nomi Malone’s fingernails, natch, yet I can’t help adding a splash of Maybeline’s “Conspicuously Cautious” to my Excitement nails.

It’s certainly spectacular to have Tim Burton’s work get such prestigious treatment.  He’s built a career on channeling his darkly whimsical imagination into camp, kitsch, and pop sensibility.  His moviess have a distinct look, and his stories frequently center around the Other as misunderstood protagonist.  He’s parlayed awkward-kid status into an career that transcends niche.  For those of us who were sympathetic to characters’ alienation, Burton built us a home that wasn’t erected in the seedy back alleys of nigh-forgotten cult; we got the warm flicker of celluloid and the buttered-popcorn scent of the multiplex.  Can any other contemporary filmmaker claim such success?  I think not, so YAY!

Plus, let’s not forget that whole film retrospective.  Like most all movies, his filmography will play better on the big screen, but I think a few are particularly well-suited.  Like Batman Returns:

Inspiredly insane performances by Danny DeVito and Christopher Walken?  A Batman movie about a nefarious business man and a twisted scheme to kill Gotham’s first-born children?  The sublime camp pleasure of Michelle Pfeiffer’s vixen-bitch Catwoman?  The undeniable batshit insanity that this was all squeezed into a studio-funded, action-figure shilling summer blockbuster?  Yes, my dears, the 90s were littered with Hollywood’s strange decisions, and Batman Returns was one of the strangest for sure.

But Mars Attacks! probably takes the strange cake:

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Now That We’re Back in Blog Action, Let’s Discuss Star Trek
May 14, 2009

star trek wicked awesome

Sometimes you need a blog break, a short hiatus to take a blog breather and recharge your blog batteries.  Some people take this is the form of a stay-cation, or perhaps they take a debauched long weekend in Las Vegas, or maybe instead it’s a quiet rest in a cabin in the mountains that’s far away from civilization.  In my case, you spend time with the family for Mother’s Day.  And you see Star Trek.  Hot damn does that movie ever do the blog body good.  

I recognize, what with it only being a mere two weeks into summer movie season and all, that I may be veering into full-on nerd hyperbole by making the following statement, but seriously, y’all: Star Trek is this summer’s best escapism.  It really has everything you could ask for in a summer movie.  There’s Chris Pine being hot and brash as James Kirk.  You’ve got Zachary Quinto being hot and Vulcan as an emotionally complicated Spock.  Eric Bana does his magic (aka, being hot) while also being evil and bald as the villainous Romulan Nero.  We also get Zoe Saldana being hot and feisty fierce as Uhura, and James Cho also being hot and doing some totally bitchin’ sword fighting as Sulu.  And, oh yeah, there’s also some of the most dazzling (and in all likelihood the most coherent) action sequences you’ll see all summer.

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This Star Trek Poster is Excitement Icing on the Amazing Cake
May 6, 2009

Fact: The new Star Trek looks totally incredible, y’all.

As such, I challenge to find a single thing wrong with this poster:

star trek poster

Ha, trick question!  This poster is flawless.  FLAWLESS.

Lots of movies get made, and they all have posters.  Some posters are good, and other posters are bad, and a select few posters just make you shut up and silently freak your shit out on the subway platform as you hope you don’t publicly wet yourself and silently and speedily repeat in your head, “CANNOTWAITCANNOTWAITCANNOTWAIT.”  Such is this poster for Star Trek.

From the very first teaser trailer, J.J. Abrams and the crew responsible for advertising the Star Trek reboot have done a fine job at tapping into the iconography of the classic series while also trumpeting this as a unique reinvention of a visionary franchise, and this poster is no exception.  If the Star Trek franchise has gradually grown into a parody of itself over the years (or, at the least, so bloated as to warrant parody), then Abram’s film looks to shake the series free of those shackles.

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The “Plot” for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is Even More Ludicrous Than Expected
May 1, 2009

The final trailer for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has arrived, and it makes me yearn for the days when it looked like this movie was just going to be two hours of Michael Bay’s patented brand of “high art” (robot carnage and lots of explosions).  Just look at this mess:

So let’s get this clear: Shia LaBeouf touches that shard thing, has an acid flashback, and then proceeds to scribble ominous hieroglyphics anywhere and everywhere possible.  All of this somehow relates back other hieroglyphics found around the world that seem to have something to do an impending robot war.  A war that, amongst other places, will take place in a college library.  Riiiiiight.  I’m not saying that this is the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever seen, but, really, it’s totally the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever seen.  This of course means I have to see it as soon as is Earthly possible.

I’ve never seen a movie enter such crazed stratospheres of absurdity in its attempt to string together set pieces.  These action sequences are held together by the narrative equivalent of Batshit Krazy Glue.  I recognize that trying to find a glimmer of logic in a movie about battling robots that’s directed by Michael Bay is a foolish endeavor, like going fishing in a bath tub or me making love to a woman, but really?  Most movies require you to suspend your belief, but Transformers 2 is looking as though you need to jettison it off into the darkest recesses of space. Well played, Michael Bay.  You’re officially the craziest man in Hollywood, and I mean that with the utmost respect.

Also, judging from the trailers, Megan Fox’s character doesn’t go to college because she’s staying back home and working as a motorcycle mechanic.  The sexy motorcycle mechanic who wrote THE textbook on dressing appropriate for work, natch.  Seriously:

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Not Even a Pound of Cheese Will Convince Me to See X-Men Origins: Wolverine
April 29, 2009

Have you heard of Papa John’s Pizza’s X-Men Origins: Wolverine promotional tie-in pizza, the XL X-treme Cheese Pizza?  It’s an extra-large pizza that purports to have nearly a pound of cheese on it.  It’s a cheesy monstrosity of instant obesisity.  It’s also completely delicious.  Just take a look at it and try not to slobber in Pavlovian glee:

pj-xlxtreme1

There’s just one problem with this pizza though, and that’s that it serves as a promotional tool for X-Men Origins: Wolverine.  I mean, movie trailers are not form of promotion; and, judging by the trailer, this movie doesn’t deserve a pizza of such uninhibited, greasy deliciousness:

I’ll admit that a part of me is inherently disinterested because I’m still incredibly bitter for what Fox and Marvel did to the X-Men franchise to Brett Ratner and let him make the embarrassment that is X-Men: The Last Stand.  Seriously, we aren’t going to talk about it because I don’t want to head home being ragey.  It’ll give me a terrible eye twitch while riding the subway home, and that’s no good for anyone.  

Mostly, though, this movie just looks bad.  The special effects are incredibly cheap looking, and the whole movie just seems to aesthetically remind me of a moderately budgeted made-for-TV movie.  Add in the fact that, beyond Hugh Jackman’s good looks, Wolverine does nothing for me as a character, and you’ve just put this movie on the Do Not Want List, Fox.  Guess you shouldn’t have gotten rid of Phoenix Effect, assholes.

The one redeeming factor to this movie is that all this promotional material coming from Papa John’s has confirmed something I’ve long suspected:

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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Only Grows More Absurd With Every Passing Day
April 2, 2009

I’ll never in a million, bajillion years make an argument claiming that what Michael Bay does behind a movie camera can be called art; I’ll leave that to Criterion.  I will, however, always been willing to make the argument for Michael Bay as the Grand Poobah of Blowing Shit Up.  Plot frequently takes the back seat to absurdly choreographed, incoherently edited action sequences.  Of his oeuvre, Transformers is indubitably his masterpiece of exploding batshit insanity.  Any movie that involves giant robots blowing things up, screaming their names whenever possible, and peeing on John Turturro doesn’t even care to masquerade as a coherent narrative operating in a world governed by logical thought; it just wants to be the best at being awesome.  Mission accomplished, Mr. Bay.  

Now we have Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen heading to theaters this summer, and even the trailer shows off that Michael Bay obviously directed this movie in the most finely tailored pair of haute couture crazy pants that the world has to offer:

The distinct lack of any suggestion of a plot beyond robots fighting each other makes me think this is an extended teaser trailer, and the fact that Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox even speak dialogue in this thing just seems distracting and counterproductive to the goal of showing shit blow up.  There’ll be a (paper-thin) plot in this movie, but right now we’re just getting our appetites whet.  Of course, this trailer could also be indicative of the amount of plot the movie will feature; after all, do we really need narrative justification to put some totally ridiculous robot-on-robot fighting on screen?  Hell no, audience!  What do you do Michael Bay is?  French???

The latest news only further confirms that plot is likely not high on the agenda.

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Don’t Watch the New Harry Potter Trailer Unless You’ve Got Some Depends Handy
March 6, 2009

Are you all diapered up?  Okay then, let’s go:

Gah!  GAH!

Yeah, I’ve already watched this several times, but still: GAH!!!

I find it particularly dazzling that virtually any hint of the actual plot to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is completely absent from this trailer; it almost plays like a teaser in terms of revealing any details about the narrative (memories, blah blah blah, Tom Riddle, blah blah blah, ask too much of Harry, blah blah FIN).  Instead, we get a whole bunch of visual flash to show off how hard they’ve been working on the effects for when Harry and Dumbledore use the Pensieve to view Voldemort’s old memories and when Death Eaters are attacking London, the latter which I don’t recall happening in the book, but I’m not about to start complaining, because that sequence looks AMAZING.

I love how this doesn’t even seem to be anything more than an overly glorified teaser trailer; it’s so light on narrative and heavy on effects that you have to wonder if this is Warner Brothers silently answering to the question of whether Half-Blood Prince‘s theatrical release was really pushed back from last November to this summer to work on effects and not the internet nerd speculation that execs were afraid the movie would be trounced by Twilight; if that’s the case, then well played, Warner Brothers.  

I’m glad you’ve genuinely used your additional EIGHT MONTHS (but I”m not counting) of post-production to ensure entire audiences can collectively crap their pants in awe from the totally glorious sensory overload.  Hopefully seeing this in IMAX 3D won’t cause your colon to literally fall out, though; that’d be terrible.

And who would’ve thought that David Yates, who primarily directed BBC shows before landing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, would end up being such a total visual genius?  As the narrative of the series from the light-hearted fantastic of the early books to the darker anxieties and treacherous and violent gloom of the later books, Yates seems to be up to the task of crafting visuals that can be at once thrilling and threatening.  Seriously, Warner Brothers, so well played you deserve a golf clap.

Admittedly, it feels a bit strange to consider seeing a new Harry Potter movie two years after the release of the final book, as if we’re out of the zeitgeist and now in a time capsule.  Whatever.  I’m going back to watching that trailer now in anticipation of July 17th, y’all.  ‘Til then, I think we should all stock up on our adult-sized diapers.  Goodness knows we’ll need them.

Terminator Salvation Has a New Trailer, Still Looks Incomprehensible
March 3, 2009

The new trailer for McG’s Terminator Salvation dropped yesterday, y’all.  Get excited:

Wait, do we have to?  

I’ll certainly admit that, coming from the man who gave us the most fabulous slow-motion hair tosses of all time, this movie appears to have the explosions-and-killer-robot equivalent of said hair tosses, so Terminator Salvation certainly holds the possibility of being totally ridiculous fun; furthermore, snaps to McG for actually devising a relatively interesting aesthetic for his apocalyptic-dystopia.  I’m glad he’s not just simply trying to capture the perpetual night from the James Cameron installments.    

Added to that, I thoroughly enjoyed Terminator 3, in which the director’s bravely unique vision was clearly, “Let’s go and blow tons of shit up!”; as such, I’m obviously not stepping into this installment franchise with any preconceived expectations or standards.  I’ve come to accept that Hollywood will at some point or another pillage and repackage every central cinematic moment of my youth, so I figure I should stop fooling myself into hoping for quality and simply cross my fingers for the buttered-popcorn deliciousness of another brainless summer action movie.

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