Five Lost Fan Videos That Would Make the Internet a Better Place
May 20, 2010

UGH.  I hate to make like a broken record, y’all, but for realsies:

I can already feel early onset withdrawal coming on, and boy is it bleak.  It’s so bad that I’ve had to work extra hard on my shimmies to help balance out the shakes, and I’ve had to buy myself industrial strength spoons to make sure I don’t accidentally swallow my tongue in the process.  Like I said, bleak.

Anyways, the one upside to being such a human train wreck is that it’s gotten me thinking about Lost fan videos, or–to be more specific–the lack of Lost fan videos.  Seriously, the internet is a bastion for all of us nerds with too much time on our hands to obsess over things like Lost, or which image should come next in their YouTube Miley Cyrus fan video slide show.  Sadly for me, I’m too technologically incompetent to know how to make or even upload a YouTube video.  Hell, I can barely make a gif, and I have to write up all my blog posts on a typewriter and then have have a 15-year-old transcribe them into C++ (that’s how it works, right?), because the interwebs are for the young and I am OLD.  My point is, I’ve come up with a list of Lost fan videos that I think should happen, and I think we, the internet, need to make them happen.  For example:

Song: U2’s “No Line on the Horizon”

Why: U2’s ambient rock hymn to a “girl who’s like the sea” is transformed into one fan’s ode to the mysteries of the island itself.  The lines “Time is irrelevant/It’s not linear” take on a whole new meaning that encapsulates the time-shifting experience Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse have crafted over the course of six seasons.  On the down side, though, there’s no mention of narrative meandering, inexplicably dropped plot threads, or a last-act explanation of “Your questions lead to more questions, so here is a cave of golden light.”

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Because We Need Lost Laughter to Get Through the Lost Pain, Here’s the Series Finale as a Sitcom
May 17, 2010

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

Knowing that we’re less than a week away from the series finale of Lost fills me with an anxious emotional cocktail of that’s one part excitement and two parts trepidation.  Excitement because I can’t wait to find out how it all finally comes to a close.  Trepidation because I’m not ready to wake up to a world where a brand new episode of Lost isn’t only a week–or even a seemingly interminable span of months between seasons–away, and also because I’m going to be back home in Georgia that weekend.  I’m less worried about getting answers to all my questions (will Penny and Desmond finally be reunited?  What has become of my two favorite Others, Benjamin Linus and Richard Alpert?  And will Kate please either make herself useful or just die already?) and more concerned about my post-finale yowls of pop culture despair awaking my parents.  Seriously, there’s not enough sound-proofing material in all of metro Atlanta to guarantee them a decent night’s sleep.

Anyways, at least I can console myself knowing there’s this video that imagines what the Lost series finale would be like if it were a sitcom, because we’re going to need a bigger LOLZ to get through all the *TEARZ!*, y’all:

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Here’s a Fan-Made Promo to Remind Us What Life After the Lost Series Finale’s Going to Be Like
May 5, 2010

Last night, I was forced to confront YET AGAIN how much I’m really ready for this:

Seriously, it’s been six glorious, occasionally frustrating years with the survivors of the Oceanic Flight 815 crash, and I for one am not ready to get off that rapidly derailing crazy train.  For example, at a certain point last night, a certain thing happened and *SPOILER ALERT* I cried like a dirty bitch because I realized that Lost really is coming to a close.  The end is near, y’all, which means some of our questions if we’re lucky everything will be answered, and while that’s terribly exciting in so many ways, I haven’t yet come to grips with the reality that soon enough I won’t have anything on TV to bark “WHAAAT?!?” at in utter shock and confusion.  At least nothing that doesn’t air on Fox News or the Playboy Channel.

Anyways, ABC recently ran a contest for fans to submit promos for the series finale, and while I’m pretty sure the most confusing Lost mystery to date is how this one didn’t win, I’m extremely confident that this video is what life will look like after the Lost series finale:

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Important Moments in Lost FAILs: Lost Fails to Deliver Sufficient Levels of Dick Alpert Hotness, Abs
March 24, 2010

As a self-admitted Lost fan facing the rapidly approaching series finale, I try to remind myself that despite all the years of obsessive speculation and moments of howler-monkeying at the television in shock/frustration/amazement, Lost is only a show, and so it is only natural for it to occasionally slip up.  After all, how else do the explain the utterly delicious third season mistake that was Paulo?

Or his partner in crime, Nikki?

Her catchphrase?  Also delicious.  The rest?  Not so much.  Small wonder her character was buried alive, though it’s such a shame Rodrigo Santoro had to go with her.  Double whoops on the sexy front, Lost writers!

Anywhoozle, I fully accept that no show–including Lost–will ever be perfect, and I can make peace with the occasional Lost misstep much like I eventually made peace with the public school storyarc in the third season of The O.C.; HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean I won’t call things like I see ’em, which brings us to this:

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A Few Reasons I Probably Shouldn’t Discuss Remember Me
March 2, 2010

So I’ve been asked to spend a few words on this:

I might as well have been asked to give an introductory lecture on the films of John Wayne or an instructional course on finding the G-Spot.  There really are too many reasons to count as to why I should take a pass on this one, but popular demand (aka, a single request posted on my Facebook wall) is popular demand, so I decided the best way to talk about Remember Me is to actually talk about why I shouldn’t talk about Remember Me.  Now let’s get meta and do this thing.

Reason One: Inevitable Teen Girl Squad Backlash

If the first year of Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has taught me anything, it’s that you do NOT challenge the tastes of teenage girls with internet connections.  They will metaphorically shank you with their hastily composed comments, and each misspelled word and basic grammatical error will sting worse than a thousand paper cuts from thoroughly dog-eared copy of Breaking Dawn.  Believe me.  I know.

Anyways, for that reason alone I know that I shouldn’t contribute my two cents on Remember Me, or any Robert Pattinson movie for that matter.  No matter the movie,  it will only end in bad things (burning my effigy in a chaotic orgy of hormone-addled bloodlust?).  Particularly if I were to started flapping my trap about that one where he played a gay Salvadore Dali (burning me at the stake in a chaotic orgy of hormone-addled bloodlust).  Like I said, I know I shouldn’t, but that’s obviously not stopping me.

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At Last! Lost News That Won’t Make You Immediately Pluck Out Your Eyes in Regret for Reading It
February 4, 2010

One of the things that’s the worst about being a fan of Lost (aside from rendering you absolutely insufferable to all your non-fan friends and family for months at a time) is how you have to remain so guarded against any potential surprises.  One minute you’re perusing your favorite Lost comment board in hopes of corroborating your theory about how Hurley’s burp in that one scene could be an allusion to 15th-century Franciscan scripture, and the next moment your eyes are gushing blood because someone posted an unmarked spoiler.  Like I said, the worst.

Anyways, fortunately this is not one of this instances.  Well, unless your definition of a spoiler is whose abs you’ll be seeing this season, in which case ABS ALERT, ‘cos it’s Lost‘s sexiest Other, Richard Alpert:

Yes, Richard Alpert (played by Nestor Carbonell)–the mysterious Other who has mysteriously resisted aging over the past three seasons and numerous decades of Lost‘s narrative–might soon abandon his shirt like his name is Jack Sawyer. This is obviously a good thing, and you can thank Star Trek 2 casting rumors and the inquisitive minds at Movieline for this glorious news:

I think the question, Nestor, is whether you have the pecs to play Khan.
[Laughs] Listen, all modesty aside, I’m pretty shredded right now. Richard may not get to flex his muscles, but he’s not averse to taking off his shirt. Should it happen, the fans will know.

Wait, spoiler alert! We’re getting a shirtless Richard scene soon?
I can neither confirm nor deny. [Laughs]

“I can neither confirm nor deny” might as well be Lost speak for “DUH” at this point, so JACKPOT!

Of course, I could explain why this is a good thing, or I could simply offer the jury indisputable evidence, so I’ll choose the latter.

Your honor, exhibit A:

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