Archive for December, 2009

Happy Holidays From Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner
December 23, 2009

You may think I’m being hyperbolic with this visual metaphor, but I’ll be back in Georgia over the holidays, which means I’ll once again have Chick-fil-A in my life, and I’m sorry, but have you had their chicken biscuits?  They’re mouth crack, but worse because at least crack keeps your girlish figure (lol and jk, y’all, DON’T DO DRUGS!).  Just sayin’.

Anyways, there probably won’t be much crazy coming from this corner of the internet over the next week or so, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t check back in or tell your friends about this cramazing or even become a fan on Facebook (you can thank Brenda for the last one, and seriously, you’d better thank her)!  My point is, have a wonderful holiday, y’all.  Eat well, be safe, and remember: a real queen sips her cocktails with her pinkies out, so add a touch of class to your holiday season and keep those pinkies out.

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The Sex and the City 2 Teaser Trailer Is Also Everything I Imagined It Would Be
December 23, 2009

First there was the poster that looks like the marketing people behind Sex and the City 2 just don’t give a damn.  It’s pretty terrible, but terrible in a way that never gets old:

See what I mean?  You can’t put a price on something so hilariously sloppy, which makes sense because this poster looks like the vengeful wrath of an unpaid intern. 

Now we have a teaser trailer, though, and it’s becoming increasingly clear that nobody gives a damn about this movie.  I mean, just look at this lazy mess:

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I’m Not Going to Even Bother Pretending Like I’m Not Excited for The Back-Up Plan
December 22, 2009

While I was at the movies this past weekend, I saw a poster for the upcoming romantic comedy The Back-Up Plan:

It was confusing because I haven’t associated Jennifer Lopez with shitty romantic comedies–let alone acting–in ages, but I digress.  My point is that I could tell just by the poster that this has “generic rom-com train wreck” written all over it, but sticking J. Lo and Alex O’Laughlin in a movie that amounts to Knocked Up‘s prettier but frighteningly dull cousin inexplicably sounds catnip to me. I blame it on Alex O’Laughlin, who is so pretty that even J. Lo’s hand can’t obscure his prettiness, and her hand damn well giving it a go.  I mean, seriously, what the hell is her hand doing in that poster?  Is she trying to cover his face so she can be the prettiest part of The Back-Up Plan poster?  Is this how they do the Vulcan mind meld in the Bronx?  Sorry, I got sidetracked.  

Again.

ANYWAYS, point being is that there’s a trailer for The Back-Up plan, and it’s all the LOLZ and romance of this poster at 24-frames-per-second:

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RIP, Brittany Murphy
December 20, 2009

Terrible news.  Variety is reporting that Brittany Murphy has passed-away at 32.  Yes, there have been jokes here in the past about her career choice, but they came out of deep affection.  She gave brilliant performances in two of the indisputably greatest comedies of the 90s (Clueless and Drop Dead Gorgeous), and she had the sort of big, expressive eyes that sparked with charm and vulnerability.  Our deepest condolences go out to her family.  She will be sincerely missed.

The 70-Minute Star Wars: The Phantom Menace Is the Best 70 Minutes You’ll Spend All Day
December 19, 2009

I’ve never fully understood the Star Wars: The Phantom Menace backlash.  It’s damn painful in parts (mostly the parts with Jar Jar Binks or Jake Lloyd), but I’ve always been willing to allow for its (frequent) missteps as inevitable the result of George Lucas being rusty and out of touch with what made the original trilogy a cultural milestone; after all, taking twenty-some-odd years away from the story that made you famous can do that.  I’m not saying The Phantom Menace is an unheralded classic, but I am saying we’re all allowed to make mistakes, and at least those mistakes don’t involve sloppily borrowing from not one but two Ridley Scott movies.  Whoops, Attack of the Clones, that’s your bad-idea cross to bare.

Anyways, there’s now a thorough (70-minutes long) and compelling (utterly hilarious) argument for The Phantom Menace being the nadir of the series.  That may seem like too much time to commit to one nerd’s take down of a movie that wasn’t worth its own bloated running time in the first place, but it’s not:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: Once Again, On Pickles
December 17, 2009

In preparation for tonight’s impending train wreck episode of Jersey Shore, I think it’s important to clear up a major Snooki-related controversy that’s taken our cultural conversation by storm: 

This past weekend I decided to try to eat a pickle Snooki style, and you know what?  YOU CAN’T SUCK PICKLE JUICE OUT OF PICKLES.   Snooki wasn’t interested in passing down need-to-know techniques to enhance the fine art of pickle appreciation.  No no, this was about oral shmex, plain and simple.  I feel so naked, y’all, so very deceived.

And, yes, this obviously raises serious questions about her assertion that she invented the poof.  Once you’re capable of telling lies about pickle juice, you’re capable of telling lies about anything.

The Iron Man 2 Teaser Trailer Is THE Summer Movie Hotness. Le DUH.
December 17, 2009

I don’t know about you, but last night I had a rather delicious filet mignon at my office’s holiday dinner party, then I came home, and then I promptly shat my nerd pants.  Why?  Because the Iron Man 2 teaser trailer dropped last night, and it’s so damn good that you don’t even have to be a nerd to lose your shit over it.  Being a nerd naturally helps, but it’s really over just a difference of whether you poop your pants a lot or your poop your pants even more than that.  Don’t believe me?  Just click the poster below and experience the the hotness, but be sure you’ve got an adult diaper on:

Everything about this trailer’s obviously the best, but I love how they’re sure to include a moment of Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow’s utterly delicious screwball chemistry.  It makes me think of Iron Man 2 as His Girl Friday, but with robots and explosions and weird facial hair, so basically perfect.

Still, as much as it’s impossible to not love the Iron Man 2 teaser trailer, I’m willing to bet there’s at least one person that is not one of Iron Man 2‘s fans:

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Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland Is Going to Be Out of Control Amazing
December 16, 2009

I’ll be completely frank: even though I previously had my doubts about Tim Burton’s latest, the reality is that I never needed this past summer’s face-meltingly fantastic teaser trailer to get me excited about his upcoming Alice and Wonderland.  No no, this image is far more than necessary:

SOLD!!!  This image has three things that I unabashedly love: overly-ornate-to-the-point-of-camp costume details (it’s a gay thing), Anne Hathaway (also a gay thing), and killer red lipstick (it’s a Black Narcissus thing; so, in other words, yet another gay thing).  People of a more discerning taste would likely only have their interests raised by such and image, but people of a more discerning taste would probably steer clear of such cinematic gems as Powder Blue and Orphan, so why would I want to associate with those people?  Those people sound like such assholes.

All digressions aside, it’s safe to say that Alice in Wonderland‘s latest trailer will have even people of a more discerning taste excited because–quite honestly–it’s as though Disney just kept throwing money at Tim Burton to ride his crazy train ’til he reached Bonkerstown, which is to say that it looks totall awesome.  Just look at this beaut:

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The Necky Is the Perfect Secret Santa Gift to Anonymously Say, “You’re Lazy. And I Hate You.”
December 15, 2009

Wait, what?  You’re waging a cultural battle against scarves because they’re too confusing and frequently ineffective and quite possibly death traps, and your solution is like a turtleneck bib made out of fleece and some velcro?  And you mean to pawn off “designer leopard” as a color as well?  UGH.  The only people lazier than every single person involved in the conceptualization, production, and advertising of the Necky are the people who will indubitably think that the Necky is a practical item that will improve their standard of living.  Seriously, people, TRY HARDER.

That said, I imagine the end of the scarves’ hegemonic oppression and the beginning of such a brave new Neckied world would look even lazier still, which can only mean dated pop culture references and amateurish Photoshopping skillz, so basically this:

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TGIF! Now Here’s Carol Channing Being Better Than You
December 11, 2009

Friday Fun Fact: Carol Channing will always be better than you, but she’s particularly better than you in this clip from the 1985 television adaptation of Alice and Wonderland:

Is it any wonder that she’s got her own ventriloquist dummy?  No, I think not.

Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Pickles
December 11, 2009

Like I’ve previously observed, Jersey Shore is best enjoyed when don’t think about it.  For example, Angelina left the house after her married boyfriend dumped her and she couldn’t be bothered to come into work because she kept coughing really loudly in hopes that someone would notice her (which is the first symptom that you’re too sick to work), Ronnie and Sammi bumped uglies and played putt putt, and JWOWW’s boyfriend dumped her over kissing Pauly D, but I’m leaving this Jersey Shore conversation at that because I’m already on the verge of blacking out from all this stupid.

But last night’s episode also had this cramaziness, which was stupid AND worth talking about:

Watching Snooki eat a pickle like she was giving was giving a juiced-up guido’s sausage  a little mouth lovin’ took her into a whole new realm of train wreck love because I could empathize with her situation.  Sure, I may not fellate my pickles when I eat them, but I do have a serious food crush on the kosher dills.  Seriously, just thinking about that garlic and vinegary goodness has me hungry like I’m knocked up with quintuplets.

And to make this tangential discussion even more absurd (yes, it’s possible), my brain damn near fell out of my ear when I recognized the very brand of pickles that she was eating:

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The Sex and the City 2 Teaser Poster Is Everything I Imagined It Would Be
December 10, 2009

I’d be lying by omission if I didn’t admit that I’ve been eagerly awaiting to board the Sex and the City 2 hate train ever since halfway through Sex and the City: The Movie when I realized that no amount of Kristin Davis’s totally amazing angry-Charlotte face would save it from being a cinematic wet fart of conspicuous consumption pornography topped with a predictable and insipid ending.  It’s what feels like eternity two-and-a-half hours of Miranda and Carrie being self-involved harpies incapable of communicating with their significant others like grown adults, Samantha acting like an even hornier drag queen than the horny drag queen she usually acts like, and all sorts of stuff coming out of Charlotte.  Like unwavering romantic optimism.  And babies.  And poop.

Seriously, for as much as I adored the series, the movie was able to inspire an inverse amount of adoration.  In other words:

Since then, I’ve had nothing but ire for the sequel, and this teaser poster is not helping:

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David Lynch Opens Up About Turning Down Return of the Jedi
December 10, 2009

I vaguely recall having read somewhere that David Lynch was offered the opportunity to direct Return of the Jedi, which is the sort of curious tidbit of film history that I wish I didn’t know because that ridicufest would’ve been amaaazing.  We’ll sadly never know what sort of batshit insanity that would have wrought upon us, but I’d like to imagine that it would involve Agent Cooper as a member of the Rebel Alliance, Ewoks in red suits that talked backwards, and Jabba the Hutt huffing nitrous oxide to Bobby Vinton while he fingerbanged Princess Leia:

Also, everybody would celebrate the fall of the Empire with cherry pie, and then our eyeballs would burst into flame like a Jedi funeral pyre from all the crazy.

ANYWAYS, Ain’t It Cool News stumbled upon a video of David Lynch discussing why he ended up deciding to pass on directing Return of the Jedi, and it’s like everything that’s not The Straight Story that David Lynch has ever done.  So, you know, delightfully weird:

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Jersey Shore: Don’t Ask Questions. Just Enjoy the (Train Wreck) Ride
December 9, 2009

Sorry for the timeliness, y’all, but I’ve been stuck in deep contemplation over our most recent pop culture phenomenon that will surely be swept under the rug of irrelevancy as soon at something more stupefyingly trashtastic comes our way.  Naturally I’m referring Jersey Shore:

And, while as much as I love the duck phone and the multiple references to puke breath and the guidos’ cartoonish hyper-masculinity and the simple fact that Pauly D owns a tanning bed IN HIS OWN HOME BEDROOM (!?!?!), I’ve also come to the decision that it is nearly impossible to talk about this show because it’s profoundly stupid.  It’s basically a documentary that was rejected by PBS because PBS decided that it would be disingenuous to air a series that treats its subject matter like a comically exhibitionistic alien race as opposed to real people that are part of an actual cultural minority but was then saved when MTV came along and was like, “Standards, shmandards!  TAKE US TO YOUR ARTIFICIALLY TANNED LEADER!!!”  Really, attempting to apply any sort of critical thought to this show is like like begging for a brain aneurysm.

For example, I know that enjoying this show as a study in human train wrecks makes us all slightly worse people than we were before Jersey Shore was in our lives, but even acknowledging that makes my head hurt when I consider that these people are so confident in how they see themselves that they clearly could care less what the rest of us think.  It can only explain this:

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Snaps to You, the Bravery! Your Music Video Is Totally the Craziest
December 7, 2009

I suppose it’s only natural that, when the song for which you’re making a music video is called “Hatefuck,” one should anticipate a certain level of craziness to follow.  After all, would the music video for such a song really be meeting its artistic potential if it focused on two precious ducklings in a teacup?

Of course not.  While  your music video would be indisputably adorable, you wouldn’t be capturing the darkness and erotic anxieties that a song like “Hatefuck” seeks to convey

If, however, your video looks like an Eraserhead-era Lynchian sexual nightmare in which a woman in a gas mask ties up a guy in a Mexican wrestling mask and then stabs the dude in the crotch, then your incredibly NSFW (or life.  And most certainly my mother.) and totally batshit crazy video is certainly on to  something.  After all, it’s within reason to say that watching this video is like getting hatefucked in the eyes, which is a compliment.  Because this video’s so freakin’ bonkers, y’all:

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Sorry, GLAAD, But GlambertGate Is About Homophobia
December 4, 2009

More GlambertGate talk?  I know, I know.  I hate to sound like some radical leftist gay who turns everything into a rant against white patriarchal heteronormativity:

You: Isn’t this blog usually more funny?

Me: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A HUMORLESS FAGGOT?!?

But c’mon, it’s fair to argue that the whole situation with Adam Lambert and ABC is the result of some sort of pop-culture gay panic, and–regardless of the deciding factor in ABC’s decision to cancel Lambert’s future appearance on the network–it’s important to discuss what this particular moment says about artistic expression and gay acceptance in mainstream media.  That, and the whole debacle’s becoming a first-class shit show.

First off, there’s this:

Since no moment in popular culture to involve a homosexual is complete without a statement from GLAAD, the Los Angeles Times reported yesterday that GLAAD had the following words to contribute:

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More Adam Lambert Performance Cancellations? It’s Time to Call Shenanigans on ABC
December 3, 2009

Well, it looks like it’s not just the New York Senate that hates gay people this week.  ABC has yet again pulled the plug on my favorite Cristal-Connors-channeling, wasteland-wandering glam bear:

When his Good Morning America performance was cancelled last week, there was at least an air of reason to the decision.  It may have been somewhat sheepish, but it’s hard to blame ABC for not wanting to run the risk of another “shocking” live performance on morning television.  I didn’t get what all the was about over his AMA performance, but it’s also safe to say that a camp-loving gay man and the majority of conservative America will have radically different takes on what it takes to be “too gratuitously sexual” on television.  Fine, America, you hate when nipples pop up during your Super Bowl Half-Time Shows, and fake oral sex and a gay smooch on a third-tier music awards show are also out of the question.  Duly noted, now let’s all move on.

As I read on Celebitchy, though, we haven’t moved on, and ABC has now cancelled Adam Lambert’s performances on both Jimmy Kimmel Live and Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, which Lambert speculated on Twitter as a result of pressure from the FCC.  Yet, as the Los Angeles Times observes and Queerty reiterated, both shows would broadcast late enough that Lambert’s performance would have to try damn hard to get the FCC to slap ABC with fines for indecency.  So, with the FCC out, what else could it be?

Going off the New York Times ArtsBeats Blog, my guess is ABC must still be suffering audience anxiety:

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Don’t Worry, New York, Your Marriage Is Still Sacred
December 2, 2009

Well, just moments ago, New York Senate voted against a bill to legalize same sex marriage, which is great because today the interwebs reminded us of the assholes that still get that right:

#thesetwoaretheworst #thesanctityofmarriage?

nobody puts baby in a horner does not like this.

Retweets and reposts–as this is apparently what marriage has been reduced to–are welcomed and encouraged.

Well I’m Already Excited for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I
December 2, 2009

Yesterday, while some of us were making it our mission to speak out against the most recent developments in the robot apocalypse, the internet was getting its first taste of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I, which isn’t coming out ’til next November (which is like infinity in Harry-Potter-anticipation, but even more tediously long), so really, we’ll take whatever we can get:

Obviously the only thing this actually confirms about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I is that wizards appear to prefer layering in threes, while Muggles–such as the one to the left*–prefer the more minimalist two-layer approach.  Also, seeing as they’re in some sort of indoor complex that houses a cinema, my guess is that they’re in a mall.  Given that I remember Harry and Ron and Hermione spending plenty of time in a forest but none in any malls, I’m glad to know that David Yates and his crew are to keeping things fresh for the fans.  And by “fresh,” I mean possible shopping montage.  

Oh, and let’s not forget this tantalizing tidbit that ComingSoon.net reported along with the picture:

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Sweet Shimmying Moses, Japan! Must You So Recklessly Play With the Flames of the Robot Apocalypse?!?
December 1, 2009

There is no reason for anyone to like robots.  For one thing, they could very well be the harbingers of the apocalypse.  Also, they’re just creepy.  Even Asimo, that robot by Honda:

He is NOT to be trusted.  First he will replace the world’s interns and personal assistants by winning your trust when he brings you your half-caff soy latte just the way you like it, then he will be use his built-in milk-steamer/laser-canon to exterminate you and your coworkers during the robot uprising.  Duh.

That said, Asimo has nothing on this monstrosity from the Sixth Annual ROBO-ONE GATE IN INTERNATIONAL ROBOT EXHIBITION 2009 Dance Competition.  She’s basically the dead-eyed posterbot of my waking nightmares:

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