Allow Me to Introduce Riff Raff, Your New Favorite Riff Raff
July 28, 2011

Buzzfeed hopes he’s a troll, but as Videogum points out, Riff Raff previously appeared on that MTV show From G’s to Gents, so Riff Raff is either like the Lady Gaga of white rappers (possibly?) or completely out of his damn mind (probably). Whatever. From those fancy pants (gay pirates are in this season?) to those glasses (I can’t) to name checking Tony Chachere (pork chops!), everything about this video is 100% magic. F*ck it. Make that 110%. My point is that this Riff Raff is obviously our new favorite Riff Raff, and since I hate confrontation, I think I’ll let Heidi Klum take it from here:

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Please, Oh Please, OH PLEASE Let MTV Resurrect Bride & Tunnel
July 27, 2011

I’ll admit that I was tempted to head this post with a screen grab from when one of the male cast mates projectile vomits. I don’t know, it just felt like it’s more attention grabbing, but this being the blog that it is, I decided to go with the screen grab where a catfight erupts in a club and results with a girl getting shoved to the floor. My sensibilities are nothing if not consistent.

ANYWAYS, here’s a sizzle reel for MTV’s abandoned reality series Bridge & Tunnel. It’s basically like Jersey Shore, except it’s Staten Island. And everybody appears to live either at home or in a hotel? I don’t know. What I do know is that I haven’t gotten the trash TV train wreck tingles this bad since I saw the original Jersey Shore promo. The language is a little raw, but who cares? This show looks completely amazing:

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Apparently This Is the Original Video for Britney’s “Gimme More”
July 19, 2011

I mean, what? Did that just happened? Really? Wow. Just wow, y’all. That is a mess. A mess! And I love it. Obviously.

You know, had this been released back when in 2007, it probably would’ve been my favorite train wreck on a stripper stage of the year. Sorry, Lindsay Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me. People get cut (from hot mess stripper lists). That’s life.

Much love to Buzzfeed by way of Vulture for this one.

Five Reasons I’m the Most Excited for the New Season of Big Brother
July 6, 2011

Heads up, y’all. Big Brother 13 premieres tomorrow night, which means it’s entirely this blog could possibly devolve into incoherent, stream-of-conscious medley of Showgirls references and excessively homosexual chatter (which it already is), but now also peppered with all sorts of random asides to Rachel’s weave and hoping for the return of Zingbot. In short, this blog will make like a Talking Heads concert film and stop making sense, so consider yourself warned.

Anyways, if you’re uninitiated in Big Brother and would like a little insight into the impending insanity (or you’re my mother and will just want some vagues sense as to what the f*ck I’m babbling on about over the phone for the next few months), here are five reasons why I’m the most excited for the new season of Big Brother.

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Today’s YouTube Highlight in Three Words: Denny’s. Halloween. Catfight.
November 16, 2010

You guys, I must admit I have no idea if this video is actually the YouTube highlight of today.  We’re still NO STREAMO at work, and my desk is such a black hole for cellphone reception that the YouTube channel on my iPhone 4 never works.  I know, I know: Being white is difficult.  Hot, new internet meme Privilege Denying Dude knows what I’m talking about:

Anyways, here’s a video that I would like to imagine combines two things we can all agree are really pretty special: Catfights and foodstuffs.  Of course, watch this video end up having nothing to do with either.  Pandemonium invariably ensues, everybody takes to the comments to berate me, and then my mom calls to tell me she’s refunded my ticket home for the holidays so she can to buy herself something more satisfying than this video, like Red Velvet cake mix and a bum fight.  So there you have it: YouTube highlight or Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner interweb pandemonium!  Either/or, it’s after the jump and totally worth a gander, yes?

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Lake Shore, the Canadian Jersey Shore
November 10, 2010

Salty language abounds, so pinkies out and headphones up, y’all:

You know, I’d try and come up with something pithy about train wrecks that smell like pine trees or how it’s refreshing to see that Italian Americans aren’t the ethnic group determined to embarrass themselves on television by actin’ a damn fool, but you know what?  I can have gay marriage, socialized medicine, biodegradable Sun Chip bags, AND this glorious mess?  F*ck it, America, I’m out!  RELEASE THE SNOOKI BOMB:

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Blog Post #529, in Which There’s the Obligatory Liza Minnelli Drag Queen Photo Shoot from Halloween
November 8, 2010

For me, every Halloween’s outcome is a crap shoot.  Some years I’ll really get into the spirit and go out all dressed (or dragged) up, and other years will be spent holed up in my bedroom with whatever horror movies I can get my hand on and a bag of candy, all hopped-up on sugar and shouting obscenities at the television.  Fortunately enough, this year I ended up going with the former after I was invited to a Halloween party by my dear friend Lindsay.  Of course she and I would have to go as a pair, but obviously not as a lazy metaphor for sexual penetration:

Mostly because that lock costume would make me self-conscious about my hips, but whatever, I digress.

Our plan was to go as Lucille and Lucille II from Arrested Development; however, that fell through when we found that every last old-lady-with-a-bob wig was snatched up like it was a Brazilian drag competition.  All the same, I knew I still had to go as Liza Minnelli because:

  1. If Sandra Lee can do it semi-homemade, so could I.
  2. I’d already committed to the look by shaving my beard and dying my hair.
  3. Duh.
  4. Double-duh.

ANYWAYS, I’m not usually one to put overtly personal material up here (this isn’t LiveJournal, ladies!), but I did Liza drag this weekend, damnit, and if this tranny train wreck isn’t at least slightly camp, I’m clearly in need of six weeks intensive camp therapy (Joan Crawford movie marathons and Showgirls dance lessons).  If nothing else, this’ll be good for a laugh.  Or extremely vivid nightmares about a tackily dressed middle-aged lesbian.  Either/or, I would like to present without any further ado:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: We’re Fist Pumpin’ in Miami, Bitch! (Or, on the Rest of the Season Premiere)
July 30, 2010

Oh lordy, y’all.  So Jersey Shore‘s second season premiered last night, and much like the above image from Videogum of Snooki and Sammi Sweetheart listening intently to their conchs, it was a strange thing of booze-fueled, sh*t-talking, train-wreck-of-zen beauty, and how could it be anything but?  Let’s discuss a few of my favorite moments, shall we?

Angelina’s returned prompted The Situation to deliver serious FACE:

Truer feelings of utter disbelief, total confusion, and SENSE OF IMPENDING RIDICUDRAMA have never been FACE’d.  Well played, The Situation.  Very well played, indeed.

And let’s not forget when Snooki gave a brief dissertation on revisionist history:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Fried Pickles
July 30, 2010

In last night’s second season premiere of Jersey Shore, JWOWW and Snooki took a road trip down to Miami.  Along the way, they stopped at a restaurant in Savannah, Georgia.  I liked this because I myself am a Southerner who himself hails from Georgia; however, I loved this because one of the items on the menu caused Snooki to put on her NOM NOM NOM face:

But what could it be?  Why the Southern delicacy knows as fried pickles, of course.  Ever the consummate pickle aficionado, Snooki had the following to say about this symphony of kosher-dill tastes and deep-fried textures:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Enrique Iglesias’s “I Like It”
July 1, 2010

Last night, faithful reader and fellow pop culture blogger Alex brought this video to my attention, so you can thank/blame him for this one.  Here’s the music video for Enrique Iglesias’s “I Like It” featuring Pitbull.  Oh, and the cast of Jersey Shore:

First off: HUH?!?

Is Enrique Iglesias still cool kid music?  Did “Sad Eyes” make him hip again?  (Please let it be “Sad Eyes” that made him hip again because that video is AWESOME.)  Also, is a love of Enrique Iglesias some sort of secret, previously unspoken part of the guido subculture that Jersey Shore‘s second season will explore with the same nuance and cultural sensitivity that it brought to sausage and peppers and fist pumping and pickle sucking, or is this a we-set-this-one-in-Miami thing?

Where the hell is Sourpuss during this mess?

enrique iglesias i like it jersey shore version

Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Angelina.  Did she pack up her trash bags and head back home again?

Do you know who loves fist pumping?  Guidos.  Do you know who loves fist pumping AND doing their best moves from The Matrix on people’s couches?  Enrique Iglesias.

But perhaps most importantly:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On the Season Two Trailer
June 30, 2010

Vodpod videos no longer available.

At a certain point, I stopped being excited for this train wreck to get back on the air and started being THE MOST excited for this train wreck to get back on the air.  That moment was when Snooki went after Angelina like that bitch stole her pickle.  Because that might be a metaphor about Vinnie’s sausage (hold the peppers), but it might not.

I mean, what can I say?  I might be a sucker for this paragon of grace and beauty:

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Sex and the City 2: In 60 Seconds
May 26, 2010

So this is out today:

And by most accounts, it’s a garish mess about four “women” advocating “feminism” in the Middle East, if “feminism” means conspicuous couture consumption and keeping your love shack open for business like a 24-hour diner, of course.  In other words, Sex and the City 2 is exactly what I expected.

ANYWAYS, life is short and we can’t all buy vintage Dior with Monopoly money (which I imagine is the secret to having an ever expanding wardrobe in the midst of a recession), so let’s all save ourselves $12.50 and nearly two-and-a-half hours of our lives by watching this video of Sex and the City 2 in 60 Seconds instead, because it’s basically the same thing but funnier:

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These Little Girls Burn When They “Single Ladies” Dance
May 12, 2010

On one hand, there’s no train wreck quite like the train wreck that is a bunch of little Nomi Malone’s in training:

Brava? Sure, brava!

Seriously, you don’t get a performance like that without being the sort of über-bitchy pageant mom that warrants a side-eye so cold it could cut diamonds:

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Since There’ll Be a Mean Girls Video Game, Here’re Some Other Games That Would Be Totally Fetch
April 13, 2010

When I first found out yesterday that this was happening:

I totally Bill Hader-ed at work:

Sure, my co-worker was not a fan, and I guess it was embarrassing, but not nearly as embarrassing as taking six years to capitalize on the obviously lucrative market for video game adaptations of Mean Girls and things tangentially related to Mean Girls.  Of course, neither compares to the shame of being the one star of Mean Girls whose notoriously public career implosion most likely resulted in him/her being left off the video game box art for fear of their presence damaging sales (HINT: NOT THE WIDE-SET VAGINA GIRL), but that’s neither here nor there.

My point is that if there’s one thing that gays love, it’s dick spending money on things they don’t need; and if there’s another thing that they love, it’s sucking dick while watching Mean Girls.  A Mean Girls video game just makes sense.  Sure, six years isn’t exactly striking while the iron’s hot, but gays don’t mind when things don’t age gracefully (See: Xanadu, which only grows more camp with each passing day.  See also: Madonna).

ANYWAYS, this can only be the beginning of the Video Games Renaissance (for games based on Mean Girls and things tangentially related to Mean Girls), so let’s take a peek at some other other games we can expect in the future:

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This Trailer for Marmaduke Makes Me Reconsider My Thoughts on Gay Adoption, Babies in General
March 26, 2010

After all, if gays can’t adopt, then I won’t want a Gattaca mail order baby of my very own, which means I’ll never have to worry about listening to my kid throw a shit fit when I refuse to rent them Marmaduke.  Sure, the other soccer moms might think that makes me a pretentious bitch who’s unfit to raise a child, but take look at this mess and tell me I’m wrong:

Okay, I’ll admit that the part of me that loves train wrecks definitely did a this at the end of the trailer, but most of me just feels sorry for Lee Pace and Judy Greer and William H. Macy.  Sure, Ron Perlman and Steve Coogan are also much better than this, but at least they don’t have to show their faces, and Keifer Sutherland had the sage wisdom to leave this one off of his IMDB page.  Lee Pace and Judy Greer and William H. Macy have neither of those luxuries.  This makes me sad.

As for my fake ovaries, they’re quite happy to be fake right about now because for realsies:

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Sandra Lee Gives Great (Yuck) Face
March 10, 2010

Look, there’s little reason in trying to tell Sandra Lee a cocktail made from lemonade, heavy cream, and vodka is a probably not a good idea.  Seriously, that woman is an unstoppable freight train of batshit craziness fueled by tablescapes and liquid delicious (booze),which is hardly a bad thing.  It’s just a thing that means she’ll have to learn this particular lesson the hard way:

I’m pretty sure the first face she makes before she even pulls the glass away from her mouth is the one that says, “This was a bad idea.”  The other three-dozen or so faces are her figuring out exactly what sort of bad idea it is.  And while I’m no professional face reader, if this “I hope no one realizes I just threw up in my mouth a little” face is any indication of the taste-bud bleakness:

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My Karaoke Will Go On
January 22, 2010

Thanks to YouTube, we can all rest a little easier at night with the knowledge that important moments from our lives will remain digitally preserved for all eternity (or at least ’til they’re taken down by the suits), which is obviously a good thing.  After all, it means we can all relive that one time Celine Dion got really intense while singing the Titanic theme song at the Oscars:

Or that other time that I tried to channel Celine Dion getting really intense while singing the Titanic theme song at the Oscars, but could only manage to channel a howler monkey:

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Welcome to 2010! Now Here’s a Lesson in How to Catfight Like a Lady
January 5, 2010

Happy new year/decade, y’all!  Seeing as it’s now January 5th, we should obviously file this under my inimitable sense of blog timeliness, but can you blame me?  You’d be taking your sweet time getting back into the swing of things if you were missing the following deliciousness like the desert misses the rain:

Brokeback Mountain jokes are still relevant in 2010, right?  Whatever.  Between the chicken biscuits and that damn Polynesian sauce that they inexplicably insist on calling Polynesian sauce because I guess that’s less culturally insensitive than “Sweet and Sour sauce” (?), I’m already trying to figure out how I get myself to Paramus, New Jersey just so I can get myself another Chick-fil-A fix.  Don’t judge me.

ANYWAYS, now that we’re back in action, I think it’s appropriate that we discuss the human train wreck that is season four of Bad Girls Club because I just got caught up this weekend.  And because this catfight is the classiest thing I’ve seen in ages:

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I’m Not Going to Even Bother Pretending Like I’m Not Excited for The Back-Up Plan
December 22, 2009

While I was at the movies this past weekend, I saw a poster for the upcoming romantic comedy The Back-Up Plan:

It was confusing because I haven’t associated Jennifer Lopez with shitty romantic comedies–let alone acting–in ages, but I digress.  My point is that I could tell just by the poster that this has “generic rom-com train wreck” written all over it, but sticking J. Lo and Alex O’Laughlin in a movie that amounts to Knocked Up‘s prettier but frighteningly dull cousin inexplicably sounds catnip to me. I blame it on Alex O’Laughlin, who is so pretty that even J. Lo’s hand can’t obscure his prettiness, and her hand damn well giving it a go.  I mean, seriously, what the hell is her hand doing in that poster?  Is she trying to cover his face so she can be the prettiest part of The Back-Up Plan poster?  Is this how they do the Vulcan mind meld in the Bronx?  Sorry, I got sidetracked.  

Again.

ANYWAYS, point being is that there’s a trailer for The Back-Up plan, and it’s all the LOLZ and romance of this poster at 24-frames-per-second:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: Once Again, On Pickles
December 17, 2009

In preparation for tonight’s impending train wreck episode of Jersey Shore, I think it’s important to clear up a major Snooki-related controversy that’s taken our cultural conversation by storm: 

This past weekend I decided to try to eat a pickle Snooki style, and you know what?  YOU CAN’T SUCK PICKLE JUICE OUT OF PICKLES.   Snooki wasn’t interested in passing down need-to-know techniques to enhance the fine art of pickle appreciation.  No no, this was about oral shmex, plain and simple.  I feel so naked, y’all, so very deceived.

And, yes, this obviously raises serious questions about her assertion that she invented the poof.  Once you’re capable of telling lies about pickle juice, you’re capable of telling lies about anything.

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