Here’s a picture Rita Ora, whom I’m most familiar with as the ex-girlfriend of a future Taylor Swift song and the francophillic sister in an erotic thriller for third-year law students, did for a photoshoot for Clash Magazine, and it’s really great, if you’re into trichotillomania. Personally, I’ve been studying this picture for the better part of the day, and I’m just as confused as Rita Ora looks in this picture. I mean, really, where are her eyebrows?
Archive for the ‘Pictures’ Category
Where Are Rita Ora’s Eyebrows?
April 4, 2015
Well, it’s Friday once again, and judging by the subways in NYC this morning, practically nobody’s going into work, so why not take a well-deserved break with this glamour photo of Elizabeth Taylor with an adorable, matching dog? It has everything I could ask for while on holiday: elegance, sophistication, the lavender backdrop from a Sears Portrait, jewelry, matching wigs, and Elizabeth Taylor. It even has a puppy, because other people love puppies, too, and why not? It’s Friday, and I’m not a monster!
So happy Friday, everybody! Just whatever you do, don’t ask who wore it better. You already know the answer.
[Image via Spoiled Maltese]
12 Hot Celebrities Who Should Teach Us How to Navy Shower
March 23, 2015
With only a year’s supply of water left, Californians are eager to find ways to conserve water pronto! One of the suggestions I keep hearing about is taking a navy shower, but when you look up how to take a navy shower, you get videos like the one above: informative, serviceable, and not one single sexy famous person in sight! Seriously, is California’s diminishing water supply even an issue if much, much prettier people aren’t telling us it’s a problem? No! And will we pay attention unless it’s a packaged in a listicle that guarantees at least a little nip? NO. There’s but one sensible solution: navy shower educational videos by super hot celebrities.
That’s why I’ve put together this proposed list of twelve blistering hot celebrities who should Show Us Some Peen If You Want Us to Go Green™. The thirst is real, after all, but if these celebs don’t drop trou to take a stand for navy showers, it’s gonna get literal for California, y’all:
Happy Pi Day with Mildred Pierce!
March 14, 2015
Let’s Make a Meme: Nomi Malone Licking Things
March 9, 2015
After I produced my Photoshop masterpiece, Nomi Malone: MTA Enthusiast, it was only a matter of time before I asked myself, What comes after greatness? Since it’s all creatively downhill after you photoshop a stripper on the subway, I figured why not try and contribute to internet meme-dom with an entire series of Nomi Malone licking things—a No-meme Malone, if you will. After all, even Icarus needed something to do during the fall.
So ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, my first round of contributions to Nomi Malone Licking Things. Things like…
Everybody Is a Critic…of Fifty Shades of Grey
February 19, 2015
I spotted this pithy critique en graffiti (a graffitique, if you will?) at the 23rd Street subway station, in the heart of the Chelsea gayborhood. It’s the end result of someone literally can’t even with Fifty Shades of Grey, but definitely can with a Sharpie. Guess they aren’t hot for contract law, either.
Oh, Chelsea: the library is closed, but the David Barton Gym is always open.
Elizabeth Taylor’s Ash Wednesday: A Barely Topical Midweek Post
February 18, 2015
Like many fair-weather Catholics, I only observe the major holidays: Christmas presents, Easter chocolates, year-round guilt and shame, and the 40 days of Lent Facebook status updates. Since I don’t have any more vices to give up this year (except for coffee and meat, which ha ha and NO), this Ash Wednesday I’ve decided to give in to forty days of daily exercise and daily blog posts. Also, since I still haven’t seen Ash Wednesday, I’m giving in to bootleg DVDs and finally ordering this most tantalizing cinemystery. I mean, I get that this is the Elizabeth Taylor plastic surgery melodrama, but this movie looks f**king bonkers, y’all:
Sharks Vs. Jets
February 7, 2015
When you’re a meme, you’re a meme all the way…
[via tumblr. Much love to Josh for this one.]
Is This Colorized Still of Joan Crawford in Humoresque Art?
August 12, 2014
Seriously, y’all, is this art?
Steve’s Got Bette Davis Eyes…
November 9, 2013
Oh Look! Here’s Ursula Reading Ender’s Game on the NYC Subway
October 31, 2013
Last Night, I Dreamt of Kim Novak’s Eyebrows…
July 12, 2013
Oh, girl. Last night, I saw 1958’s Bell, Book and Candle for the very first time. It’s a bit of a trifle, but what a trifle it is! And it’s also apparently an allegory for pre-Stonewall homosexuality? Okay! Anyways, it’s about a witch who casts a spell on a publisher so he’ll fall in love with her. It stars Kim Novak as the witch and James Stewart as the publisher. Most importantly, though, it stars Kim Novak’s eyebrows as the world’s most clutch-your-pearls! perfect eyebrows. EVER:
DON’T YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?!? PERFECTION.
Separately, Kim Novak’s eyebrows are like two oversized, painted silk pillows of exquisitely arched exaggeration; together, they’re a plush velvet fainting chaise of eyebrow eleganza handcrafted to cradle my weary heart.
As paradigms shifted swishily, it seemed only reasonable I have a series of visceral reaction. Shock! Delight! Giggles! Vapors! Intrigue! Ecstasy! Obsession! Love. You know, FEELINGS.
I was certain but nothing could top this eyebrow high, this highbrow, if you will. But then, like the space scientists in Prometheus or dinner reservations at Guy Fieri’s Times Square restaurant, I was wrong. I was so wrong.
You see, last night, I dreamt of Kim Novak’s eyebrows.
One More Time, With Squealing…
August 25, 2012
The problem with taking a break from moonlighting as a highly adored, internationally famous blogger is that you constantly have a gaggle of screaming fans begging you to go back to blogging. “Oh, how we miss you! Oh, how we need you!” their gaping maws craw like sickly orphans starved of camp, wit, and the “occasional” Showgirls reference.
Naturally, I’m may be exaggerating a tad seeing as:
- By gaggle of screaming fans, I mean two friends.
- By internationally famous, I mean One of them is from England.
- By highly adored, I mean sometimes my mother reads this, too.
Anyways, it’s become rather clear that my public (two friends and a mother…on occasion) needs me, and who am I to refuse? So, like the above photo of Joan Crawford returning to MGM Studios to film Torch Song, I too shall come back to the old fold. (This is nothing like that whatsoever, but let’s pretend.) Or, to mix iconic-camp-moment metaphors:
In Honor of 30 Rock Returning to TV: Here’s a Picture of Tina Fey and a Homeless Man
January 6, 2012
Whatever the situation behind this is, it only reaffirms that Tina Fey is the best. Taking a moment to pose with the rest of us? (Aka, those not responsible for writing Mean Girls and 30 Rock.) Clearly, the best.
(And seriously, I’ve been reading Bossypants, and she really is the absolute best. I’m welcome to a debate in the comments. But I might shut you down. Moving on.)
Still, I’ve questions. Well, one question, which is: Is that Moonvest?
Lindsay Lohan Is Serving Us a White-Hot Plate of Dental Glamour
October 14, 2011
Mere nights ago, international lady of leisure, should’ve-been-Swan-Queen, and perennial tabloid critter Lindsay Lohan stepped out to an event to bring the paparazzi the sort refined elegance only a hobo corpse playing dress-up in a Forever 21 dumpster could offer. Just kidding! As usual, she looked gorgeous, so before you start trying to cast shade upon such pristinely polished beauty, let me remind you what her rep (Dina Lohan with the voice changer from the Scream movies, most likely) had to say to People:
Lindsay is widely acknowledged as one of the most stunning actresses of her day, and we get requests every week wanting to do photo shoots with her from top photographers.
She’s been on the cover of Vanity Fair and the top beauty and fashion magazines. She’s a beautiful and glamorous actress.
With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I’m going to comment on Lindsay’s teeth.
Don’t you get it, internet? She’s an actress! Never mind that her hands look like those of a street walker practicing her craft with sand paper and Sharpie markers; SHE’S READY FOR HER CLOSE-UP, MR. DEMILLE:
Paula Deen Has Some Words for Regina George
October 5, 2011
Terry Richardson Gives Us Liza With an “OMFG”
August 4, 2011
Terry Richardson shot the above image of Liza Minnelli for Love Magazine, and you all know I love me my Liza, so basically what I’m saying right now is, “I’ll take all the copies of Love Magazine, please!” Seriously, she may be sans sequins (“Say it ain’t so!”–This guy.), but Liza’s dropping some serious I-don’t-give-a-f*ck FACE while wearing a coat that looks like it’s made from her hair. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to excuse me ’til my eyeballs stop bleeding from all this GLAMOUR.
Anyways, in case that wasn’t enough for you (and really, how could it ever be? Liza glamour back and forth FOREVAH!), here’s another picture of Liza bringing so much piping hot hotness that I have to type this with oven mitts:
He-Man Is a Pretty Pretty Princess
June 28, 2011
Between his fabulous secret powers and this equally fabulous pink dressing table, are we to assume that He-Man stands alongside Snagglepuss and Jem in the Saturday Morning Cartoon Power Bottom Pantheon? And could She-Ra actually be a He-Ra with some truly exceptional tuck game? Oh, how my mind reels! (With stupid, stupid questions.)
Much love to I have seen the whole internet for this one.