Please, Oh Please, OH PLEASE Let MTV Resurrect Bride & Tunnel
July 27, 2011

I’ll admit that I was tempted to head this post with a screen grab from when one of the male cast mates projectile vomits. I don’t know, it just felt like it’s more attention grabbing, but this being the blog that it is, I decided to go with the screen grab where a catfight erupts in a club and results with a girl getting shoved to the floor. My sensibilities are nothing if not consistent.

ANYWAYS, here’s a sizzle reel for MTV’s abandoned reality series Bridge & Tunnel. It’s basically like Jersey Shore, except it’s Staten Island. And everybody appears to live either at home or in a hotel? I don’t know. What I do know is that I haven’t gotten the trash TV train wreck tingles this bad since I saw the original Jersey Shore promo. The language is a little raw, but who cares? This show looks completely amazing:

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This Teaser Trailer for The Iron Lady Has Got Me So Excited
July 7, 2011

I never before realized that all it takes to sell me on a movie is music from Clint Mansell’s score for Moon (“Welcome to Lunar Industries”, I wanna say) and 10 seconds of Meryl Streep ACTING as a bitch even more evil and British than Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada (at  least you knew Miranda Priestly liked the gays). Apparently, though, that’s all it takes to have me going full Jesse Spano with giddy anticipation.

Seriously, I haven’t been this excited for a movie since I flipped my shit over the trailer for Black Swan, which makes sense because they both have a lot in common. Both promise oodles of Oscar-baiting ladyACTING (which is my favorite), and both are basically horror movies:

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Five Reasons I’m the Most Excited for the New Season of Big Brother
July 6, 2011

Heads up, y’all. Big Brother 13 premieres tomorrow night, which means it’s entirely this blog could possibly devolve into incoherent, stream-of-conscious medley of Showgirls references and excessively homosexual chatter (which it already is), but now also peppered with all sorts of random asides to Rachel’s weave and hoping for the return of Zingbot. In short, this blog will make like a Talking Heads concert film and stop making sense, so consider yourself warned.

Anyways, if you’re uninitiated in Big Brother and would like a little insight into the impending insanity (or you’re my mother and will just want some vagues sense as to what the f*ck I’m babbling on about over the phone for the next few months), here are five reasons why I’m the most excited for the new season of Big Brother.

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Official Response to the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 Trailer
April 28, 2011

Seeing as it’s no secret over at this little corner of the interwebs that I love me some Harry Potter (interpret that as you will), I’ll spare you a voluminous amount of word vomit now that there’s a trailer for the concluding chapter of the film series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. Suffice it to say, I’m not ready for it to be over (obviously), and I don’t know how I feel about the whole 3-D thing (can you blame me?), but whatever! I’m still so excited! How excited? Keep-me-away-from-your-birthday-cake excited! What? This kid knows what I’m talking about:

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For Your Consideration in Camp: Highlights from the Burlesque Rotten Tomatoes Pull Quotes
November 24, 2010

When you think about how often I freak my freak out over Showgirls, you might’ve figured I’d have been flailing my fey little blog hands (like spirit fingers across the keyboard, if you will) on the daily when it came to the Cher and Xtina cinematic extravaganza, Burlesque.  After all, any movie musical set in the world of burlesque theater starring Cher and Christina Aguilera could very well be the next Showgirls, and at the very least it’s sure to wrestle away the crown–or would it be wig?–for Gayest Movie Ever (sorry, Gang Bang Bottoms 17).  If nothing else, it’s a testament to my unabashed faggotry that so many people shared the trailer with me as if I wasn’t all over it (thanks, you guys!!!).  Believe me, ladyfriends, I was.  It’s just that I ended up doing a bunch of this whenever I watched the trailer.  But with a whole lot more rainbow confetti.  You know, the usual homo things stuff.

ANYWAYS, Burlesque is out today, so obviously I’m excited (so excited!).  More importantly, though, that means the reviews for Burlesque are out (so excited!), which means the critics consensus over at Rotten Tomatoes has spoken: Burlesque sits at rather bleak 32% over at Rotten Tomatoes (so scared!).  Could my greatest fear–that Burlesque could be a Sex and the City 2 instead of a Showgirls–be true?!?  Mais non, mes soeurs.  I’ve gathered a few delectable quotes (with a dash of commentary) to give us hope that Burlesque could in fact be the Great Camp Hope for which we’ve all been waiting:

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Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan Will Be My New Favorite Movie of 2010, or: No Duh, You Old Queen
August 24, 2010

Take the poster for Black Swan for example.  This poster alone is enough to send me into a hundred fits of gay vapors (or “gaypors,” if you’re in the know).  Just look at this piping hot plate of Natalie Portman FACE:

OOH, IT BURNS!  Seriously, though, this poster’s phenomenal.  It’s gorgeous with a subtle air of creepy, and all of it demands that I get my ass to the theater as soon as possible to see this movie, which is sorta like how I feel whenever I watch the trailer.  Except for the part where the trailer makes my head explode.  If you’ve seen the trailer, you know what I’m talking about.  If you haven’t, change that poor life choice of yours IMMEDIATELY.  Either way, let’s all give it a spin and discuss:

Well, first things first:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Catch-Up Corner: I’m the Most Excited for Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch
August 11, 2010

It’s been over a year since I last threw on my gay claws and tippity-typed up a frothing homo frenzy about Sucker Punch, Zack Snyder’s live action follow-up to Watchmen, and so much has happened since then, y’all.  Carla Gugino helped unleash the candy-colored Kraken of camp that is Women in Trouble, and Zack Snyder made an animated family film about owls:

One of these makes me cackle because it’s fabulous, and the other makes me cackle because my brain cannot comprehend that it’s a thing that actually exists.  You’re welcome to try and figure out which one’s which, but please, don’t strain yourself.

ANYWAYS, more important than any of that stuff tangentially related to my Sucker Punch anticipation is the fact that the teaser phase of marketing has finally kicked-off.  This explains why we’ve now got six character-based teaser posters over at the film’s official website.  There’s one for Emily Browning as Baby Doll:

One for Jamie Chung as Amber:

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Who Doesn’t Love Sally Draper?
July 24, 2010

I mean, here’s actress Kiernan Shipka from a photo shoot a for a recent piece about high fashions and the child actresses lucky enough to wear them in Interview:

kiernan shipka sally draper

And here she is in a video interview where she calls Betty Draper “evil,” casually refers to Elisabeth Moss as “Lizzie,” and also makes mention to the fact that’s she’s apparently going to throw a tantrum in the season premiere of Mad Men, which is news so exciting my head just exploded:

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A New Season of Mad Men Means a New Mad Men Yourself You!
July 7, 2010

So in case you’ve been under some sad, sad rock where the gentle glow of quality television program does not shine, Mad Men‘s fourth season fast approaches, by which I mean why the f*ck isn’t it July 25th already?  Seriously.

Anyways, should your sad, sad rock happened to be buried under a boulder where the interwebs dare not tread, you might not have heard about how AMC has a Mad Men avatar generator over at MadMenYourself.com as part of their online marketing campaign.  Well, they do, and it’s brilliant, and now Mad Men Yourself has been updated in anticipation of the fourth season, so you know what that means: it’s time to Mad Men Yourself all over again!  Everybody’s doing it, and by everybody, I mean me:

mad men avatar generator season 4

See, last season’s Mad Men Yourself me was all about sartorial simplicity (cardigans and ties) and shameless alcoholism (martinis…EVERYWHERE), but a new season of Mad Men demands a new Mad Men me (and you!), so I decided The Look for season 4 is all about “business pizazz!” (plaid jackets and briefcases) and “slightly more conspicuous alcoholic” (oh, Bloody Mary, the drink that’s never too early to drink and can always just be “tomato juice, but fancy” to your coworkers).  My Look also says “Someone’s taken their love of Joan Holloway’s accordion playing one step too far,” but this isn’t a rip-off of a tagline for post-modern slasher, so let’s go see what sort of zany moments from Season Three your Mad Men Yourself you can get yourself into:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On the Season Two Trailer
June 30, 2010

Vodpod videos no longer available.

At a certain point, I stopped being excited for this train wreck to get back on the air and started being THE MOST excited for this train wreck to get back on the air.  That moment was when Snooki went after Angelina like that bitch stole her pickle.  Because that might be a metaphor about Vinnie’s sausage (hold the peppers), but it might not.

I mean, what can I say?  I might be a sucker for this paragon of grace and beauty:

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Presented With Limited Commentary: This Poster for the Fourth Season of Mad Men
June 21, 2010

Well will you lookit what Vulture dragged in?  It’s a new poster promoting the fourth season of Mad Men:

YES.  (Obviously.)

I mean, I could try and prattle on about the way the washed-out New York City backdrop recalls the striking minimalism of Mad Men‘s glorious opening credits, but I’m too distracted by Don Draper pensively staring out the window (which, like Don Draper doing absolutely anything, is sexual catnip) and the fact that the fourth season premiere is so close (JULY 25TH!), so let’s just leave it with the fact that this poster has my SQUEE!s of anticipation rapidly approaching SQUEE!CON 1 (Catastrophic Ear Bleeds Imminent).

Besides, I’m still mourning over the recent retirement of Amanda Bynes, actress extraordinaire.  Now we’ll never find out what zany hijinks Daphne Reynolds gets herself into in What a Girl Wants 2: Bangers-and-Mash Boogaloo, so LET ME WEEP IN PEACE!

Oh, and in tangentially-related-to-this-poster Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner news, irresponsible recaps will most certainly be returning for the fourth season of Mad Men, so rejoice!  Now in case you’re uninitiated and in need of knowing what sort of half-crazed, frequently camp beast you’re in for (or you’re just in the mood for a trip down a particularly batshit stretch of Mad Men memory lane), I’ve collected the entirety of the third season’s recaps (along with their corresponding episodes) after the jump:

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Because We Need Lost Laughter to Get Through the Lost Pain, Here’s the Series Finale as a Sitcom
May 17, 2010

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

Knowing that we’re less than a week away from the series finale of Lost fills me with an anxious emotional cocktail of that’s one part excitement and two parts trepidation.  Excitement because I can’t wait to find out how it all finally comes to a close.  Trepidation because I’m not ready to wake up to a world where a brand new episode of Lost isn’t only a week–or even a seemingly interminable span of months between seasons–away, and also because I’m going to be back home in Georgia that weekend.  I’m less worried about getting answers to all my questions (will Penny and Desmond finally be reunited?  What has become of my two favorite Others, Benjamin Linus and Richard Alpert?  And will Kate please either make herself useful or just die already?) and more concerned about my post-finale yowls of pop culture despair awaking my parents.  Seriously, there’s not enough sound-proofing material in all of metro Atlanta to guarantee them a decent night’s sleep.

Anyways, at least I can console myself knowing there’s this video that imagines what the Lost series finale would be like if it were a sitcom, because we’re going to need a bigger LOLZ to get through all the *TEARZ!*, y’all:

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The Super 8 Teaser Trailer Has Leaked Online, So Let’s All Be Nerds and Get It While It’s Hot
May 7, 2010

Call me a persnickety bitch, but I normally try to avoid posting an obvious bootleg of a trailer.  The video quality’s never particularly great, the damn thing will inevitably get yanked down from YouTube the second that the suits get wind of its leak, and besides, I prefer patience over the tacky interweb nerd impulse to be first because I like to think it speaks of my refined aesthetic appreciation (Showgirls).  That said, Super 8 is a J.J. Abrams movie produced by Steven Spielberg, which means this teaser trailer is just as exciting as a teaser trailer for a Michael Bay movie produced by Steven Spielberg except for the whole I-was-being-ironic thing, so you know what?  Nerd up, bitches, ‘cos FIRST (or, at this point, LAST?):

Obviously we know nothing about this movie save for that: a) there’s a literal train wreck (as opposed to the metaphorical train wreck that is a Michael Bay movie), and b) this movie’s most likely about a space alien from Area 51, but apparently that’s all I need for me to know what I’ll be doing with my $12.50 at some indeterminate time that’s over a year away.  So kudos to you, J.J. Abrams.  Even though Super 8 has as much potential as it does buzz (bahoodles), you’ve also once again proven that it takes practically NOTHING to get me interested in a movie.  Sorta like that one movie I was excited to see simply because it was starring Sharon Stone, and then it  you incidentally happened to have a supporting role, which was weird:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On How Absence Truly Does Make the Heart Grow Fonder
April 23, 2010

I didn’t wake up this morning expecting to miss any of the cast members of Jersey Shore the way Snooki misses pickles during a cucumber blight, but then I saw this picture of Snooki and JWOWW film the second season of Jersey Shore down in Miami, and that’s when I was reminded of the guidette-shaped hole in my heart:

I mean, you’ve got Snooki drinking a giant frozen margarita with not one but TWO upturned Coronas in it, which is enough booze to give me a bitch of a hangover just looking at it.  Seriously, I feel like one of those could put me damn close to being under the table, two could fell a baby rhinoceros, and three will have Snooki doing backflips all over South Beach.  Added to that, you’ve got JWOWW doing something that requires looking down at her plate while a cigarette dangles deftly from her lip.  Maybe this picture’s just giving me an acid flashback from all the classiness and Aquanet that goes into a single episode of Jersey Shore, but hot damn do I miss watching these two broads in action.  Personally speaking, MTV should just drop the rest of the cast and focus entirely on Jersey Shore‘s two best besties.  Nelly Furtado’s “Maneater” could be their theme song, and it’d be all about Snooki and JWOWW’s friendship and fierceness.  JWOWW could bring her killer tops and her epic fists of fury, and Snooki can bring the FACE:

I’m not quite sure what’s happening up there except that I love it, but I think this next one’s pretty obvious:

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The Mad Men News So Good It’s My Own Free Sonic Root Beer Float
April 20, 2010

News sources are reporting that the fourth season of Mad Men premiere has been officially confirmed for July 25th.  Added to that, Mad Men‘s utterly brilliant third season?  The DVD set’s going for a mere $17.99 on Amazon, which means we can all stuff our faces silly with Trudy’s scrumptious hats and slices of apple pie with cheddar cheese with Henry Francis and Don and Betty’s spicy meatball of an Italian vacation (oh, and let’s not forget that side of fresh foot), and that’s far more sustaining than yet another order of the General Tso’s.  Even Don Draper agrees:

Seriously, when you’re as starved for some good Mad Men news as I am–particularly in light of Mattthew Weiner’s claims that the next season will probably be no homo and that Mad Men will end after its sixth season–I’m pretty sure this news is my personal enthusiasm equivalent of finding out about free root beer floats at Sonic:

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Blog Post #418, in Which It Becomes Increasingly Obvious the Fourth Season of Mad Men Can’t Come Quickly Enough
April 15, 2010

Seeing how I love Mad Men almost as much as I abhor waiting for things, I’m naturally torn by these on-set photos taken during the filming of the fourth season.  Sure, it’s assuring to know that (SPOILER ALERT!) Jon Hamm’s Don Draper is still capable of setting your genitals to stunned by wearing a two-piece suit:

But the problem comes in the fact that Jon Hamm doesn’t require a suit to start a five-alarm fire in your pants.  Seriously, you can stick him in a white tee at a craft services table and that won’t stop me from losing all sense of focus and wishing I was coming home to a Duncan Hines Brownie Husband.  For example:

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Let’s All Cross Our Fingers That Scissor Sisters’ Night Work Will Be the Gayest Album EVER
April 14, 2010

I recognize that it’s probably too soon to say for sure, but any Scissor Sisters album that’s produced by Stuart Price (the man responsible for two of my favorite glitter bombs, Madonna’s Confessions on a Dance Floor and The Killers’ Day & Age) is pretty much guaranteed to put a limp in your wrist and a swish in your swagger.  But what about the Scissor Sisters album produced by Stuart Price with a Robert Mapplethorpe photo for its cover?

Or the Scissor Sisters album produced by Stuart Price with a Robert Mapplethorpe photo for its cover and a first released song called “Invisible Light,” which is six glorious minutes of bedazzled post-disco bliss that includes a monologue by none other than Sir Ian McKellan?

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There’s No Better News Than the News That Hedwig and the Angry Inch Is Heding Back to Broadway
March 31, 2010

Get it?  Hed-ing?  In a story about Hedwig and the Angry Inch?  It’s a pun, A PUN!  Carrie Sadshaw would be so proud!  And I probably should have switched to decaf before writing about this glorious news!  Seriously, it’s hard to type when your eyeballs won’t stop vibrating on account of those few too many cups of coffee and and the rush of adrenaline brought about by PURE EXCITEMENT, but I digress.

The New York Post is reporting that Hedwig and the Angry Inch will be coming to Broadway this fall with all of its principal artistic forces intact.  John Cameron Mitchell will be reprising the role of everybody’s favorite botched-job transexual rocker, and Steven Trask will be adding additional songs and musical material.  Added to that, David Binder and Peter Askin will be returning as producer and director, respectively.

In related news brought to you first by me, thousands upon thousands of gay men and fag hags the world over are making this face right now. Understandably so, theater queens and the ladies who love them, but let’s all simmer down.  There’s more to the Post‘s story, and this part is particularly intriguing:

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Code Red Nerd Altert: Ridley Scott’s Alien Prequel Is Going to Be in 3-D!
March 6, 2010

Let’s not pretend my feelings could have changed since the last time we talked about this:

Because they haven’t, and that shouldn’t come as a surprise.  After all, I once tried really hard to convince myself that AVP: Alien vs. Predator was not a colossal disappointment that made my soul hurt, and if that doesn’t speak to the lengths my love of the Alien franchise will take me, then you’ve obviously never seen AVP: Alien vs. Predator, and oh how I envy your unsullied eyes.

Anyways, ComingSoon.net has picked up on a story from Shadow Locked in which Roger Christian (who was art-director for the original Alien) claims that Ridley Scott’s intending to make his upcoming Alien prequel in 3-D, though I’ll let his own words take it from here:

Ridley’s doing the next Alien in 3D. Ridley told me some of his ideas when we were here in Toronto. He has a very clear understanding of where this should go. They kind of stopped dead one of the greatest horror franchises there’s ever been, and it had legs to go on. So I’m hoping he’ll revive another three. The world certainly wants it, and the fans want it – everybody.

Sure, Hollywood’s current obsession with making every potential blockbuster a 3-D spectacular already has me near fatigue, but Alien built its tension through its brilliant use of space, which means I can’t even imagine the throes of ecstasy that Ridley Scott moving his camera through a cavernous, Nostromo-esque ship will bring when it’s in 3-D.  Seriously, I really can’t handle news this nerdgasmic, so I’ll just let my Photoshop Skillz speak on my behalf:

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Glorious News! Rena Riffel’s Showgirl Will Be the Showgirls Sequel/Remake/Somethingorother of Our Penny/Hopes and Dreams
March 4, 2010

Showgirls: The Return may purport to be the sequel to the greatest movie of all time (because it adds “The Return” to the end of the title), but if the extended trailer’s any indication, that doesn’t mean I have to treat this half-cooked sauerbraten like its canon:

What have you done, Marc Vorlander?  Sure, I haven’t seen this many boobs-per-minute since the last time I watched Showgirls (January 16, 2010, but who’s counting?), which I guess counts as a step in the right direction, but everything else about this trailer is a turgid art-house hot mess.  A Showgirls sequel shouldn’t look boring, but this looks BORING.  Even worse, I don’t see any Rena Riffel, and we were promised Rena Riffel!  Seriously, universe, is there no Penny/hope for a Showgirls follow-up that lives up to the original?

Oh wait, there is:

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