And Now For a Dose of Pure Crazy: Joan Crawford, Gender Enigma
March 13, 2016

its joan crawford mildred pierce trailer gender enigma

Several years back, I read David Bret’s Joan Crawford: Hollywood Martyr, and it was insane. As celebrity bios go, it’s like someone decided to set the record straight about Joan Crawford using Wikipedia synopses of her filmography, a nagging feeling that says “CHRISTINA’S WRONG”, a whole lotta moxie, and a well-read copy of Kenneth Anger’s Hollywood Babylon. Really, I’m still not sure what the rumor about Ramon Novarro and the black marble dildo from his alleged lover Rudolph Valentino was doing in a biography about Joan Crawford, but it did keep things more interesting.

My point is I’m more than familiar with trashy and ridiculous rumors about Joan Crawford and early Hollywood’s general sordidness, but nothing, and I mean nothing, could prepare me for “Joan Crawford Gender. Gender Enigma. Part 1.”, which is basically a Truther video, if the Truther movement was obsessed with proving that Joan Crawford was a man and Hollywood is some sort of Satanic transsexual long con:

(more…)

Today’s Best Costume: “Little Edie Dances for Barbara Walters”
February 24, 2016

little edie grey gardens best costume for the day

Last night, I had the distinct pleasure of getting to introduce several of my officemates to the seminal 1975 documentary (and personal favorite) Grey Gardens, so naturally I had to have a Grey Gardens themed post today. It’s the best blog costume for the day, really.

Anyways, I’d hoped to find some footage of Little Edie’s cabaret act, but that sadly doesn’t seem to exist, so instead I found this video that purports to be Little Edie dancing for Barbara Walters. It’s not quite what it sounds like, but what it is totally insane and otherwise best left unspoilt.

The language is unexpectedly salty, so grab a basket of chips and vinegar and throw on your headphones, because even thought it’s a little NSFW, this hump-day treat is positively delicious:

(more…)

In Honor of Andrzej Zulawski’s Passing, a Scene from Possession
February 17, 2016

andrzej zulawski possession isabelle adjani

It’s being reported today that after a long battle with cancer, Polish filmmaker Andrzej Zulawski has passed away at 75. For anyone who’s a cinephile or an aficionado of cultural excess and eccentricity, it is a great loss.

I’ve only seen a couple of his movies, but one of them was Possession, and that movie really cut through the fog of my late twenties. It’s surreal and uninhibited and distressing and beautiful, and I couldn’t believe anybody made movies like this.

Possession also contains a truly exceptional performance by Isabelle Adjani. It’s wholly unrestrained and indicative of Zulawki’s weird, singular genius:

(more…)

Super Mother Bug Breaking News! Ashley Judd Is Coming to Twin Peaks!
February 13, 2016

ashley judd bug

As if there weren’t enough reasons to be excited, Ashley Judd (seen above looking down and out in great way in William Friedkin’s brilliant adaptation of Tracy Letts’ Bug) has been cast in Showtime’s revival of Twin Peaks. No word yet on who she’ll play, but this is excellent news because Ashley Judd is wonderful and isn’t cast in nearly enough stuff for my taste.

Also, it’s as good of an excuse as any to post this bugf*ck crazy (laaazy pun intended) clip from the end of Bug, which is one of my favorite things. Ever. Spoilers, obviously, but if you haven’t already seen it, consider it also an invitation to do so:

(more…)

Elizabeth Taylor’s Ash Wednesday: A Barely Topical Midweek Post
February 18, 2015

elizabeth-taylor-in-ash-wednesday-1973

Like many fair-weather Catholics, I only observe the major holidays: Christmas presents, Easter chocolates, year-round guilt and shame, and the 40 days of Lent Facebook status updates. Since I don’t have any more vices to give up this year (except for coffee and meat, which ha ha and NO), this Ash Wednesday I’ve decided to give in to forty days of daily exercise and daily blog posts. Also, since I still haven’t seen Ash Wednesday, I’m giving in to bootleg DVDs and finally ordering this most tantalizing cinemystery. I mean, I get that this is the Elizabeth Taylor plastic surgery melodrama, but this movie looks f**king bonkers, y’all:

(more…)

Nicolas Cage as Miley Cyrus in “Wrecking Ball” Because Why Not?
November 6, 2013

One might imagine that Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” and Nicolas Cage should go together like ice cream sundaes and sausage gravy, yet somehow this works…if your work is in sex nightmares.

And yes, I know I’m the last person on the interwebs to hop on this whole Miley Cyrus thing, but like a twerk monster to the flame of heavy machinery, I just couldn’t resist with this mess of a video. After all, much like a modern-day Oscar Wilde, I have the simplest tastes.

I am always satisfied with the worst.

David Hasselhoff Is Thirsty for Love in This Completely Batsh*t Commercial for Iced Coffee
July 9, 2013

cumberland farms farmhouse blend

Don’t worry, y’all! When David Hasselhoff croons in this commercial that he’s thirsty for “love,” it’s actually a super sexy double entendre for “iced coffee,” so depending on how deep your river of feelings for the Hoff runneth, you’ll only maaaybe recall that one time in Düsseldorf so many years ago when too many espresso body shots led to you and a strapping West Berlin backpacker named Hans both doing things you promised each other you’d never do again. Mostly because he liked dudes, and you liked not pegging.

But I digress.

After the jump is a commercial starring David Hasselhoff for Cumberland Farms Farmhouse blend iced coffee, which is apparently available for any size at 99¢. I’m not entirely sure, though, because my brain broke from how utterly f*cking batsh*t this thing is. It’s like somebody tried to ferment a rancid Old Spice commercial in an acid bag of coffee beans. Case in point: the above screen grab of the Hoff blowing you a kiss while holding an iced coffee and riding a jet ski. In front of dolphins. DOLPHINS. And that’s just the tip of this iced coffee crazyberg! What I’m trying to say is that you should watch this thing. It’s glorious:

(more…)

This Is a Thing: Amanda Byne’s Totally Bonkers Drake Tweet
March 22, 2013

amanda bynes drake murder my vagina tweet

Ummm…should we be worried for Amanda Bynes? More importantly, should we be worried for her vagina? I don’t know. Sure, this is by no means the most immaculate f*ck tweet ever tweeted, but then again…

(more…)

The Theme of the Week’s Been “Eating Things,” So Here’s an Ad for Vagine Cuisine
April 5, 2012

Laaadieees, have you ever wished your muff tasted like an oral…Mex buffet? Of course you haven’t, BUT LET’S PRETEND:

Especially spicy fajita, girlfriend. And thanks to Vagine Cuisine, now your Down South can taste truly South of the Border! OLÉ!

(more…)

In Honor of MDNA’s Release, Here’s a Really Great Music Video for Madonna’s “Girl Gone Wild”
March 28, 2012

At this point, it’s almost not even worth mentioning that Madonna’s MDNA came out earlier this week. After all, if you’re reading this, chances are either you or at least one of your friends is a friend of Dorothy, which means either you or at least one of your friends has spent the past few days sashaying up and down your Facebook News Feed with quips and comments about the new Madonna album. Simply put: WE KNOW ALREADY, QUEEN. Hell, I’d offer my own two cents, but Madonna has so much money she probably scoffs at small change like a bouquet of hydrangeas. Besides, the last album I shared my thoughts on was Christina Aguilera’s Bionic, and we all know how well that turned out.

ANYWAYS, this wouldn’t the blog it is without some sort of MDNA-related post (duh), so here’s a music video for Madonna’s latest single, “Girl Gone Wild.” It may not be the official video, but it probably should be:

(more…)

Mark Block’s Ad for Herman Cain: “Now is the time for action!”
October 25, 2011

Is it way Mark Block uses his words (robot awkward), the “Was it as good for you?” drag he takes from his cigarette, the au-currant-power-pop-meets-jingoism theme song, or the Herman Cain nightmare smile that only a mother an America hungry for action could love? I don’t know, y’all, but whatever it is, this Herman Cain ad is some kind of (batshit) wonderful.

And you know, if politics really is theater, then this is on par with a production of Cats as directed by Corky St. Clair.

Much love to Jenkins for this one.

Here’s Some Really Great Dancing at an Outdoor Rave for Your Friday
October 21, 2011

You might think Black Tank Top’s having all the fun (check out her cool dance moves! Arms! Head bops! ARMS! COOL MOVES, GIRLFRIEND!!!), but you’d be wrong! It’s actually Red Polo that’s winning this outdoor rave. Seriously. He’s killing it like a zombie. Here, just take a look, and you’ll see what I’m talking about:

(more…)

This Woman at KFC Isn’t Being Rude. She Just Wants More Butter!
October 10, 2011

After the jump, we have a video of a the long lost third member of The Good Girls, who’s apparently preemptively traded in the glamorous life of global superstardom for an even more glamorous life as a British bag lady. NO! It’s woman throwing a sh*tfit at a KFC in Brighton. The crime? They won’t give her any more butter! Sacré beurre! (See what I did there?) Anyways, the language is salty, so if you happen to be at work, you probably shouldn’t be on this site pinkies out and headphones up, y’all:

(more…)

Nuns Doing Karate! I Repeat: We’ve Got Nuns Doing Karate!
October 3, 2011

Here is a video of some nuns doing Karate and Aikido, which is obviously a great way to start the week (no duh!), but seeing as it’s a video of nuns doing Karate and Aikido, it raises all sorts of questions. For example: Is this real? Also: If this isn’t real, can we please pretend it’s real? Furthermore: Wait, did that nun just put that dude in a choke hold with her Rosary and then punch him in the balls?!? And most importantly: Is this better than when Joan Crawford did her Judo chops? Haha, that last one’s a trick question! IT’S NOT.

Much love to Buzzfeed for this one.

Allow Me to Introduce Riff Raff, Your New Favorite Riff Raff
July 28, 2011

Buzzfeed hopes he’s a troll, but as Videogum points out, Riff Raff previously appeared on that MTV show From G’s to Gents, so Riff Raff is either like the Lady Gaga of white rappers (possibly?) or completely out of his damn mind (probably). Whatever. From those fancy pants (gay pirates are in this season?) to those glasses (I can’t) to name checking Tony Chachere (pork chops!), everything about this video is 100% magic. F*ck it. Make that 110%. My point is that this Riff Raff is obviously our new favorite Riff Raff, and since I hate confrontation, I think I’ll let Heidi Klum take it from here:

(more…)

Five Reasons I’m the Most Excited for the New Season of Big Brother
July 6, 2011

Heads up, y’all. Big Brother 13 premieres tomorrow night, which means it’s entirely this blog could possibly devolve into incoherent, stream-of-conscious medley of Showgirls references and excessively homosexual chatter (which it already is), but now also peppered with all sorts of random asides to Rachel’s weave and hoping for the return of Zingbot. In short, this blog will make like a Talking Heads concert film and stop making sense, so consider yourself warned.

Anyways, if you’re uninitiated in Big Brother and would like a little insight into the impending insanity (or you’re my mother and will just want some vagues sense as to what the f*ck I’m babbling on about over the phone for the next few months), here are five reasons why I’m the most excited for the new season of Big Brother.

(more…)

Another Treasure from Al Paradise: Elisa Scarrone’s “The Jungle Law”
July 5, 2011

You might be wondering what in the what is going on in the above amuse-bouche for your eyeballs. Don’t worry. Tending to this little corner of the interwebs means I get that a lot. Anyways, if I told you it was part of an opening number to the 80s Italian variety television show (and home to the inimitably batshit crazy, transcendentally dazzling dance stylings of Sara Carlson) Al Paradiso, would that be enough to entice you to entice you to watch what magic lies ahead after the jump? Or that Elisa Scarrone’s “The Jungle Law” is the most flamboyantly gay/European circus-themed event this side of a White Party inspired by a Siegfried & Roy show as interpreted by a K-hole? If that’s not enough to get your bouche amused, y’all, I don’t know what is, so let’s all sit down and watch Elisa Scarrone perform “The Jungle Law.”

(more…)

BEHOLD! Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Acting Debut in As the World Moves
March 30, 2011

Back during my sophomore year of college at the University of Georiga, a group of friends and I entered the Campus MovieFest. The theme that year was something like “Moving the World,” and seeing how we were a tasteful group of budding filmmakers, we chose to go the esoteric and inspirational route for our short: We made a fake previously-on-last-season’s teaser for a nighttime soap opera entitled As the World Turns.

We thought of everything, and I mean everything: Love triangles, wedding proposals, chronic illnesses, multiple counts of substance abuse, lies, betrayals, and shocking secrets revealed! When we failed to sweep the festival, it was clear that though we were big, the moviefests had already gotten too small. Somewhere on Sunset Boulevard, Norma Desmond shed a tear in silent commiseration.

ANYWAYS, Campus MovieFest has begun putting these submissions up on YouTube, and one of my old roommates recently stumbled upon our entry brought it to my attention, so without further ado,  As the World Moves:

(more…)

Oh Look, Here’s Katharine Hepburn on a Skateboard
March 19, 2011

Tony Hawk can suck it, y’all, ‘cos this is everybody’s new Lord of Dogtown (whatever the Catherine Hardwicke reference that means):

Apparently this photo comes from Katharine Hepburn’s autobiography, Me: Stories of My Life, which raises the following important questions:

  1. Why in the world haven’t I read Katharine Hepburn’s autobiography? It’s an autobiography written by Katharine Hepburn. With pictures of Katharine Hepburn. Like this one of Katharine Hepburn riding a skateboard. I sorry, but SOLD. (Katharine Hepburn!)
  2. Also, who wants to give me $40 so I can also get a used audiobook read as by the author? Seriously, few things truly delight me more her clipped, New England diction. It’s like slathering fresh Maine lobster and putting it in my ears. Delicious.
  3. Does this mean I can now start referring to Katharine Hepburn as “noted cinema thespian/extreme skateboarder”? I suspect not, but f*ck it. As far as I’m concerned, of course it does!
  4. Am I going to use the pleasingly surreal sight of Katharine Hepburn on a skateboard as an excuse to what I do believe to be the most indisputably batshit insane picture of Katharine Hepburn ever?

(more…)

This Montage of Nicolas Cage Losing His Sh*t Is the Bestest. OBVIOUSLY.
November 22, 2010

Seeing as we’re still NO STREAMO at work, I can’t say for sure, but if there’s truth in advertising and/or YouTube videoclip titles, this one is presumably just Nicolas Cage acting (ACTING!) batshit insane, which we all know is a very special thing indeed. True fact: If we could successfully transform Nicolas Cage’s crazy into cash, we could wipe out global debt, find a cure for cancer, and still have enough coin left over to treat everyone in the world to mani-pedis.  TWICE.  Another true fact?  If Nicolas Cage’s crazy were an animal, it would a unicorn.  Or a hair bird:

It’s just that magical.

ANYWAYS, here’s that video I was going on tangents telling you about after the jump.  It’s by Harry Hanrahan, whose interweb glories include–but are not limited to–“The 100 Greatest Insults of All Time.” Whatever.  Enough blog talk.  Enjoy! (more…)

%d bloggers like this: