No, Batman v. Superman Is Not “the Showgirls of Superhero Films”
March 29, 2016

batman v superman showgirls

The night before Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice came out, two of my friends tagged me in separate Facebook posts linking to a review from Ars Technica declaring BvS “the Showgirls of superhero films.” Knowing my friends know me so well is deeply touching, and since somebody mentioned Showgirls, I was undeniably intrigued despite my better judgment.

Sure, I had a feeling this review couldn’t be trusted, because it mentioned Sex in the City 2, not Sex and the City 2,  and that’s a straight man’s mistake when talking about a gay man’s sensibility. Still, I figured I had to approve or disprove the comparison to the Greatest Movie of All Time, so I saw it Saturday morning, and to quote Nomi Malone, “It’s a Versayce You don’t know sh*t!” Batman v. Superman: Definitely Not Showgirls is definitely not the Showgirls of superhero movies, or of that matter anything.

To explain:

(more…)

TGIF! Now Here’s a “She Wolf” Fan Video That Should’ve Been a Star
March 18, 2016

he wolf el lobito gay

I feel like there used to be a time on the Internet when you couldn’t blink without coming across some twink’s bid for fifteen minutes of viral video celebrity and a lifetime of telling the same story at your local gay bar about the one time you got three million YouTube views from dancing in your mom’s shower to Britney Spears. It was the late 2000s, and everything seemed possible, which is why I don’t understand why this particular homage to Shakira’s “She Wolf” never even broke 100,000 views:

(more…)

Since It’s Somehow *Not* a Thing, Here’s a “Yas Queen Amidala” GIF
March 9, 2016

yas-queen-amidala

I’ll admit that I’m a little surprised, if not disappointed, that the internet hasn’t yet birthed a Broad City/Star Wars crossover GIF of my our hopes and dreams. It seems so obvious that it should’ve already happened, but it hasn’t, so here were are. Either people just hate the prequel trilogy that much, or other people have better things to do with their lunch breaks than combines all the things they love (like flamboyant homosexuality, cultural objects of undue derision, and puns) into a single GIF that positively screams “I HAVE NO LIFE!” “YAS QUEEN…AMIDALAAA!”

Whatever the case, I’m glad I made this GIF for you and the queen in your life who loves their swishiness shrill and their galaxies far, far away. After all, “If you see a hole, fill it” are words I try to blog by, as well as the house rule at Jabba the Slutt’s Palace.

Vegas Has Everything
March 7, 2016

And yes, I could.

TGIF! Now Here’s the Current State of the U.S. Political Conversation
March 4, 2016

In case you missed it (and you know missed it), Donald Trump took a moment out of last night’s Republican Debate on Fox News to talk about his penis, which he guarantees “there’s no problem.” This all came about, mind you, after Marco Rubio apparently made a comment about Donald Trump having small hands, which he inferred meant other things were small, too. I see you, Rubio, you shady queen. The crowd ate it up like it was an all-you-can-eat sausage buffet, which I guess makes the Republican constituency a Samantha. Dickalicious, indeed.

Since I only understand things in terms of Showgirls references, I did a Google search for the line “She looks better than a ten inch dick and you know it.” I’d have settled for a GIF of Henrietta Bazoom to drop into this post, but instead I found the safe-for-work image results of a whole lotta not-Showgirls and lo-and-behold I sh*t you not our two new friends:

(more…)

A Few Scant Thoughts on the 88th Annual Academy Awards
February 29, 2016

joan crawford oscars 1946

Seeing as it’d feel odd to not follow up yesterday’s predictions with at least some sort of wrap-up, but also seeing as I’d much rather eat an entire stromboli and get caught up on The People v. OJ Simpson, here’s a few scant thoughts on the 88th annual Academy Awards. It’s just enough to say “I still care” without it ending in a caterwaul of famished sobs:

(more…)

Kate McKinnon’s Carol Parody, and a Few Oscar Predictions
February 28, 2016

Kate McKinnon and Kumail Nanjiani’s Carol parody from the 2016 Spirit Awards has been all over my Facebook feed since this morning. It’s a nice reminder of the company that I keep online and, better still, a reason to use the “Lesbians” tag twice in one week, so here it is. As I feel like I’m on a roll, sapphically speaking, maybe I’ll treat myself to a clandestine glove lunch of creamed spinach and poached eggs to celebrate.

Also, as it’s mere hours before the Academy Awards, I thought I’d spitball a few predictions for the award winners and the show in general:

(more…)

TGIF! Now Here’s 22 Leonardo DiCaprio Performances Reenacted by His Lesbian Doppelgänger
February 26, 2016

Well, it’s the Friday before the Academy Awards, and if there’s anything more guaranteed in life right now than death or taxes, it’s Leonardo DiCaprio’s Best Actor win for The Revenant, so here’s a video of 22 Leonardo DiCaprio performances as brought to you by Leo’s lesbian doppelgänger, “Lesbo DiCaprio.”

This “stunning montage” (this video’s description’s words, not mine) is brought to you by ACTING, a lesbian who’s more butch than me (that’s not hard) but not so butch as to where I have a crush on her (that’s Ryan Atwood from The O.C.), and MORE ACTING. It’s the best costume (22 of them, in fact) to celebrate Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar thirst and the perfect way to segue into the weekend (with ACTING).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to work on my Fiona Apple at the Oscars impression.

[via AfterEllen; much love to Haley for this]

Here’s Some Scenes From Ken Russell’s Valentino Set to The Strokes, Because Why Not?
February 21, 2016

“I’ll never understand the strange combinations the Internet at times feels compelled to drag together,” said the man who once combined Mads Mikkelsen’s Hannibal Lecter with Rooney Mara’s blunt bangs. My point being, I’m not sure this video of scenes from Ken Russell’s Valentino set to The Strokes’ song “The Modern Age” makes much sense to anybody but its creator, but as inexplicable combinations go, it’s like a peanut butter bacon cheeseburger: inexplicable, yet not unsatisfying. If nothing else, this is a good reminder that Ken Russell made a Rudolph Valentino biopic starring Rudolph Nureyev that looks like my kind of movie (about Classic Hollywood and camp as f*ck).

OH NO THEY DI’INT: Tim Tebow Played the Pronoun Game When Talking About Dating
February 4, 2016

tim tebow pronoun game

In the annals (heh) of things I have no business talking about, I’m well aware that football tops (teehee) the list. Nevertheless, a footballer is still a slab of beef by another name, so I guess today’s category is butch queen realness.

Anyways, Tim Tebow showed up on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to talk about the Super Bowl, which isn’t very exciting if it isn’t an excuse for a 12-minute Madonna concert. As if she knew she needed something for the rest of us, Ellen Degeneres asks about Tim Tebow’s dating life, and that sound you heard is the clickity clack of a thousand thirsty bromosexuals updating their Super Bowl slash fiction. That’s what a Fantasy Football is, right?

(more…)

TGIF! Now Here’s Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway in a Lip Sync Battle
April 10, 2015

You know, it’s odd to me that two of the stars of The Devil Wears Prada doing a highly produced Lip Sync for Your Life isn’t a thing that has already aired on Logo, but I digress.

Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway were on Lip Sync Battle last night. Emily Blunt performed Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart”, Anne Hathaway performed Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball”, and judging by these performances, we don’t have to watch anymore, because this show has already peaked at maximum camp. Seriously, unless they get Nicole Kidman does ping pong trick while lip syncing to Mika’s “Grace Kelly” (it’d be a promotional tie-in to her Lifetime debut), we can stick a fork in this juicy glitterball, ‘cos she’s done. This being a battle, though, my question is: who won?

(more…)

An Open “Letter” In Response To The State of Indiana
March 27, 2015

That is all.

12 Hot Celebrities Who Should Teach Us How to Navy Shower
March 23, 2015

With only a year’s supply of water left, Californians are eager to find ways to conserve water pronto! One of the suggestions I keep hearing about is taking a navy shower, but when you look up how to take a navy shower, you get videos like the one above: informative, serviceable, and not one single sexy famous person in sight! Seriously, is California’s diminishing water supply even an issue if much, much prettier people aren’t telling us it’s a problem? No! And will we pay attention unless it’s a packaged in a listicle that guarantees at least a little nip? NO. There’s but one sensible solution: navy shower educational videos by super hot celebrities.

That’s why I’ve put together this proposed list of twelve blistering hot celebrities who should Show Us Some Peen If You Want Us to Go Green™. The thirst is real, after all, but if these celebs don’t drop trou to take a stand for navy showers, it’s gonna get literal for California, y’all:

(more…)

Dear Internet: More Daddy’s Boy, Please!
March 18, 2015

As someone who separately appreciates the words 1938, musical, and train wreck but can really clutch some pearls upon their combination, I am telling you I’m not going this is not nearly enough Daddy’s Boy. We want Daddy’s Boy uncut! We need the full length!

So don’t listen to Robert Osborne, and make it so, interwebs. Or at the very least, make it a Kickstarter.

In Honor of Her 69th Birthday: Liza Minnelli Is Cooler Than You
March 12, 2015

liza minnelli oscars birthday cake

Since today is Liza Minnelli’s birthday, what better way to celebrate the Hollywood royalty, living legend, national treasure, and personal blogdrag inspiration that is La Liza than for Justin Sayre of the Meeting of the International Order of the Sodomites to remind you that Liza Minnelli is cooler than you: (more…)

Ooh, Heaven Is a Place on the Corner of 6th Ave and 37th Street
March 11, 2015

Chik-fil-A NYC

Or at least it will be come this summer…

Crain’s New York Business is reporting that Chick-fil-A is set to open a three-story (!!!) restaurant at the corner of Sixth Avenue and West 37th Street later this summer. That’s mere blocks from where I work and one step closer to traveling to being so morbidly obese I travel by Rascal. *sigh* On the plus side, now I one less reason to consider leaving New York City, at least until they close all the White Castles and affordable rent goes the way of the dodo, the dinosaur, and my dignity. So give it a couple more years, okay Atlanta?

And yes, I’m aware that Chick-fil-A is a Homo No-No in certain circles, to which I say:

(more…)

Rebel Heart Is Out Today, So Here’s Madonna Being Unapologetically Madonna
March 10, 2015

Rebel Heart was officially released today, so it’s only appropriate to take a moment and pay tribute to the self-proclaimed unapologetic bitch herself, Madonna. This video has everything: elegance, sophistication, Madonna, a distinct lack of air circulation, British accents, the inability to answer questions, and the unknowable pain of having to suffer journalists and other commoners. Really, you can’t get to where Madonna’s gotten without busting a few balls, and that’s exactly why we love her as much as she loathes hydrangeas.

John Carpenter’s Frozen Would Be a Frozen Finally Worth Watching
March 4, 2015

frozen blood test scene john carpenter the thing

Pardon the pun, but Frozen is one of those zeitgeisty juggernauts that left me…cold. I get that everybody loved it, most notably The Gays “and” John Travolta, but not me. I won’t bother defending such a deeply unpopular opinion, either, because my excommunication papers are already being processed by an unforgiving Hell’s Kitchen queen with an Idina Menzel prayer shrine and a Tumblr blog filled with Precious Moments GIFs and Kristoff/Duke slash fiction. ANYWAYS, here’s a video by indie filmmaker and animator Lee Hardcastle. It’s a claymation mashup of Frozen characters and the blood test scene from John Carpenter’s The Thing, so there’s animated blood and NSFW language, but who cares? This is great:

(more…)

I Call Shenanigans: On Madonna’s Best Actress Oscar Snub for Evita
March 1, 2015

evita madonna rainbow tour

I wouldn’t go so far as to say Madonna was robbed of an Oscar for her performance in Evita. After all, 1997 was the year that Frances McDormand (consummate actor, national treasure) won for Fargo, so the best performance really did win. But after staying up too late rewatching Evita on Netflix last night, I realized it’s some kind of hot nonsense that Madonna didn’t even get a nomination. Madonna is pretty much flawless in Evita. Here, let me count the ways:

(more…)

OMGina!!! Here’s Gina Gershon Singing “I’m So Excited” on Glee
February 25, 2015

gina gershon glee i'm so excited

I’d bother offering some context for this clip from last week’s Glee, but then I’d have to admit I’ve been watching the never-ending bath salt nightmare of a South Florida theater kid, so shhhhh. All that matters is that Gina Gershon showed up to play Blaine’s mother, and–more importantly–she was joined by Jennifer Coolidge (!!!), Gloria Estefan (!?!), and a Suze Orman’s Midwestern dopplegänger (…) to sing the Pointer Sisters classic “I’m So Excited” (.gif .gif .gif):

(more…)

%d bloggers like this: