Rebel Heart was officially released today, so it’s only appropriate to take a moment and pay tribute to the self-proclaimed unapologetic bitch herself, Madonna. This video has everything: elegance, sophistication, Madonna, a distinct lack of air circulation, British accents, the inability to answer questions, and the unknowable pain of having to suffer journalists and other commoners. Really, you can’t get to where Madonna’s gotten without busting a few balls, and that’s exactly why we love her as much as she loathes hydrangeas.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say Madonna was robbed of an Oscar for her performance in Evita. After all, 1997 was the year that Frances McDormand (consummate actor, national treasure) won for Fargo, so the best performance really did win. But after staying up too late rewatching Evita on Netflix last night, I realized it’s some kind of hot nonsense that Madonna didn’t even get a nomination. Madonna is pretty much flawless in Evita. Here, let me count the ways:
Happy Birthday, Madonna!
August 16, 2014
As Susan Sontag observed, “Camp is the outrageous aestheticism of Sternberg’s six American movies with Dietrich.” It’s also Madonna putting on her finest Marlene Dietrich drag and camping the hell out of a medley of “Like a Virgin” and “Falling in Love Again (Can’t Help It).” So what better way for this corner of the internet to celebra-ate the Queen of Pop’s birthday than with
hydrangeas this vintage performance from The Girlie Show?
It’s Madonna’s Birthday Today!
August 16, 2013
Obviously this is a very important thing we should all (holida-ay!) celebrate, but whatever you do, girl, do not get her hydrangeas. You know how she feels about hydrangeas…
Happy birthday, Madge!
Hooray for the New First Lady of New York, Ms. Sandra Lee!
November 3, 2010
You know, I should probably be more bothered over last night’s elections, but I’m curiously at ease with all of this. Sure, I find the news that Iowa apparently lost its damn mind and voted out three of their state’s supreme court judges on account of last year’s ruling to make Iowa one badass bitch of a state to be both terribly disheartening and equally worrisome, but I’m also young and optimistic, so I know I still have plenty of time to meet and marry my dream Canadian boyfriend. Or any Canadian, for that matter (HEYYY LADIEEES). What can I say? Desperate times (Sarah Palin for President) call for desperate measures (sham marriages). Just sayin’.
Of course, it’s also worth noting I’m currently taking great comfort in Andrew Cuomo trouncing Carl Paladino and being elected Governor of New York. Carl Paladino is The Worst, and not only is Andrew Cuomo is not The Worst, you know what else? He’s dating Food Network persona Sandra Lee. Sanity has been restored, y’all, and on top of all that, I bet the governor’s mansion is long overdue for a semi-homemade makeover:
You know, the sort makeover that happens when ponies stop doing musicals and start doing interior decoration.
Now you might be thinking to yourself that this is a terrible idea, but let me tell you, America: NO, IT’S NOT. You might say tablescapes and cocktail time have no place in quote-unquote “serious politics,” but that’s suggesting we have to restore ALL the sanity. Can’t we save just one oh-so-delectable slice of batshit crazy and toss the rest of the insanity into the dumpster? I mean, have you seen what happens when she dresses up for her Halloween episodes, America? This happens:
Since It’s Madonna’s Birthday, Here’s an Ice Cream GIF Cake and a Fabubonkers Performance
August 16, 2010
Would it be too much of a gay cliché to take a momentary respite from our previously scheduled blog catch up and wish Madonna, Queen of Pop and Grand Madame of Contemporary Gay Icons, a happy birthday? HA, of course it would, which is precisely why it must be done! Besides, we can all agree nothing effectively pays tribute to the woman who has helped shape the pop music landscape for nearly 30 years quite like a homemade ice cream GIF cake, and homemade ice cream GIF cakes just so happen to be one of my specialties:
And just in case you’re you don’t know from where the above Madonna image came, allow me to introduce you to Madonna’s Confessions Tour opener, “Future Lovers/I Feel Love,” which is certifiably fabubonkers:
I think it’s important to contextualize the new music video for Christina Aguilera’s “Not Myself Tonight” with a couple things: firstly, unless you work in a sex shop that specializes in high-end leather wear and bedazzled gag balls or an office with an HR staff that doesn’t consider getting your Nomi Malone on and mercilessly humping EVERYTHING inappropriate workplace conduct (so basically you work at the Cheetah), then yes, “Not Myself Tonight” might in fact be considered Not Safe For Work. More importantly, though, I’m pretty sure that Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Christina Aguilera impersonation is going to be so miffed that the real Xtina finally got around to doing a cover of Lil’ Kim’s “C*m-Guzzling F*ck Whore”:
Oh lordy, Christina, that was most certainly skanky enough. Bonkers, too, which can only mean that we need to talk about this thing, so let’s all put some aloe vera on our Christina burns and talk about this thing after the jump.
True story: I got a karaoke machine for my 21st birthday because I had a penchant for getting up on the table in our apartment during my junior year of college and drunkenly belting out Scissor Sisters and Franz Ferdinand and the final number from Hairspray. It really was a great gift, if for no other reason than that it prevented the inevitable trip to the emergency room when my drunk ass attempted a high kick and fell off the table. As I recall, the karaoke machine looked like this:
I spent most of the evening of my birthday party karaoking to my copy of U2’s recently leaked How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, and while this was tolerable during “Vertigo,” it was not flying by the time I was taking a shot at “Love and Peace or Else.” At one point, a friend of a friend at the party even gave me what I thought to be a stink eye during my performance, but that could’ve been all those birthday cocktails talking.
ANYWAYS, I was finally persuaded to take on something a little more crowd pleasing. Naturally this translates to “putting on your drag costume from Halloween and singing ‘Like a Virgin’.” I’m pretty certain the end result–coming from a combination of drunkface and inability to find a proper pitch–sounded like a tranquilized cat warbling for mating call. It. Was. BLEAK.
After that, I always thought that nobody could ever do any worse, but then I saw this demo video from an aborted American Idol karaoke arcade game (which is obviously something the world really needed but will now never have). I was obviously wrong:
Fan Videos+Madonna+Classic Hollywood Montage=Perfection
April 11, 2009
I realized late last night that the lack of more gay marriage news has left a profound void in my life for all things homo. I’m fully aware that change does not come in a single instant; we build the better world we wish to live in through persistent work. Still, we can all agree that the past week has been, historically speaking, totally gay. And now we’re back to hum drum normality. As the newspapers sweep away the glitter of last week’s stories, I ponder: How does one fill the gay-shaped hole that sits in my soul?
With this, that’s how:
Have you ever seen Independence Day? This video is like that wall of fire when the aliens attack. Instead of killing you, though, these flames of faggotry make things gayer than a rainbow-colored clown car full of drag queens.
When even Lady Gaga will not do, it’s comforting to know that we can always rely on her Madgesty to gives us a shot of vitamin G (as in gay, le duh) to bring us back to our senses. This video in particular is like a perfect storm of homosexuality. Anything Madonna is inherently going to be like wearing a pink feather boa and a little body glitter on your cheeks the the Pride Parade, but the potent additions of a “Vogue”/”4 Minutes” mashup and a montage of classic Hollywood stars to visualize Madonna’s ode-to-the-diva interlude is proof positive that NOM is right: there is gathering, and it totally wants you to strike a pose!
Now that I feel properly reenergized, I think it’s time to go steal some rights. Look out, doctors in California and parents in Massachusetts! We will not be content until we’re having gay marriages right in your very home!
¡VIVA LA REVOLUCION!
(Thanks to Dana for this glitterbomb of fabulosity.)