Archive for March, 2011

BEHOLD! Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Acting Debut in As the World Moves
March 30, 2011

Back during my sophomore year of college at the University of Georiga, a group of friends and I entered the Campus MovieFest. The theme that year was something like “Moving the World,” and seeing how we were a tasteful group of budding filmmakers, we chose to go the esoteric and inspirational route for our short: We made a fake previously-on-last-season’s teaser for a nighttime soap opera entitled As the World Turns.

We thought of everything, and I mean everything: Love triangles, wedding proposals, chronic illnesses, multiple counts of substance abuse, lies, betrayals, and shocking secrets revealed! When we failed to sweep the festival, it was clear that though we were big, the moviefests had already gotten too small. Somewhere on Sunset Boulevard, Norma Desmond shed a tear in silent commiseration.

ANYWAYS, Campus MovieFest has begun putting these submissions up on YouTube, and one of my old roommates recently stumbled upon our entry brought it to my attention, so without further ado,  As the World Moves:

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The Nina Sayers of Quizno’s Ads
March 28, 2011

They’ve used nightmare hamsters of the interwebs:

D*ck-starved oven monsters:

And, most recently, a Bette-Davis-drag-queen-lookalike who is actually just some lady channeling Bette circa Jezebel and wearing clown makeup circa Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?:

All of them have danced the dance, for sure, but who shall be Quizno’s Marketing’s Swan Queen?

Ah, yes:

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This Has Always Brought Me LOLZ
March 24, 2011

Back when I was in school, I decided one summer’s day that canvas messenger bags were so out and that fun, fetching, personalized canvas totes were totally in, but where would I ever find inspiration for a bag that would say everything about me? And then it hit me! The most obvious choice! Rachel Dratch as Elizabeth Taylor on 30 Rock:

So I went and got myself the finest of materials (a lime green canvas tote from the Strand book store, leftover pink iron-on letters from a previous attempt at making t-shirts, super glue, and the cheapest rhinestones money can buy) and set out to work. When I was finally finished, I christened my work of arts and crafts White Diamonds. Because that’s what she read.

In my mind, she didn’t just say, “Here is a queen whose beard is fooling nobody and loves Elizabeth Taylor.” No no, she declared, “Here is is a queen whose beard refuses to fool anybody, loves Elizabeth Taylor, and also adores obscure 30 Rock references!” Alas, the best I ever got was a single guy on the subway some years later who asked, “I’m sorry, is it just me, but is that a reference to Elizabeth Taylor?” A minor success, for sure, but then I had to explain the process of inspiration. That’ll kill a conversation quicker than Mama Cass reaching for a ham sandwich.

Much like our dearly missed Dame Taylor, though, the years of toil have taken their toll (though you’d be impressed what a canvas tote can withstand!), and White Diamonds is no longer with us, but she also shan’t be forgotten. By me. ‘Cos I’ll put her in a frame and claim it’s Dada.

ANYWAYS, it’s with great pleasure that I can now share this lightbulb moment I’d been all but convinced the world (aka, YouTube) had neglected or forgotten. Ladies and gentlemen, lezzies and ladybois, Rachel Dratch as Elizabeth Taylor in 30 Rock:

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Elizabeth Taylor: A Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner Mini Memorium
March 23, 2011

As we’ve all without doubt most sadly heard by now, Dame Elizabeth Taylor has passed away at the age of 79 after being hospitalized six weeks ago for congenital heart failure. With a career and life as wildly storied as hers (the accolades and awards! The marriages and divorces and remarriages! Her tireless contributions to the fight against HIV and AIDS! Being Elizabeth frickin’ Taylor!), it would be wrong to not offer one of Hollywood’s greatest and most glamourous screen icons of all time a moment of elegant and somber reflection, which is precisely why you should read this New York Times‘s obituary. It really is quite the lovely tribute.

This being the particular corner of the internet that it is, however, it would also be remiss to not pay respect with a wink and a mince and the utmost devotion to the divine Dame Taylor. After all, we’ve gotta smile through the tears (and believe me, there were tears this morning. At work. And now. So awkward!), which is precisely (and perhaps a little surprisingly?) why I’m not going to make too much about this:

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Because It’s Monday, Here’s a Dazzling Vintage Glamour Portrait
March 21, 2011

It’s Monday, y’all, and I don’t know what the weather’s like in your neck of the woods, but it’s cold and rainy and definitely not indicative that spring is anywhere near up here in New York City, so I figured if it won’t actually be warm, let’s at least warm the cockles of our hearts:

Obviously this portrait’s doing the trick.

It’s clear this kid understands that it takes more than just a yellow mesh muscle shirt or a pair of spandex pants to get the sort of look that simply screams, “WORK, BITCH!” No no, you’d best be putting them together, and you’ll also need a rat tail that would make Vidal Sassoon and his “five point” haircut weep tears made out of deep conditioner and seething jealousy. Most importantly, though, you really need a pair of ballet flats.

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Oh Look, Here’s Katharine Hepburn on a Skateboard
March 19, 2011

Tony Hawk can suck it, y’all, ‘cos this is everybody’s new Lord of Dogtown (whatever the Catherine Hardwicke reference that means):

Apparently this photo comes from Katharine Hepburn’s autobiography, Me: Stories of My Life, which raises the following important questions:

  1. Why in the world haven’t I read Katharine Hepburn’s autobiography? It’s an autobiography written by Katharine Hepburn. With pictures of Katharine Hepburn. Like this one of Katharine Hepburn riding a skateboard. I sorry, but SOLD. (Katharine Hepburn!)
  2. Also, who wants to give me $40 so I can also get a used audiobook read as by the author? Seriously, few things truly delight me more her clipped, New England diction. It’s like slathering fresh Maine lobster and putting it in my ears. Delicious.
  3. Does this mean I can now start referring to Katharine Hepburn as “noted cinema thespian/extreme skateboarder”? I suspect not, but f*ck it. As far as I’m concerned, of course it does!
  4. Am I going to use the pleasingly surreal sight of Katharine Hepburn on a skateboard as an excuse to what I do believe to be the most indisputably batshit insane picture of Katharine Hepburn ever?

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A Very Happy 65th Birthday with a “B” to Our Beloved Liza with a “Z”!
March 12, 2011

It’s safe to say that over at this corner of the internet, my love for Liza Minnelli’s been rather well documented. For examples: Here and here. And also here. OH, and definitely here.

Anywho, given how Liza love abounds around here, you’d think I’d probably just throw up a picture of Liza in all her sequined glory, post a clip of her killing it on stage at the Palace (or anywhere else, when you think about it, because that’s what Liza Minelli does, y’all: She KILLS IT), she-screech a little about how much I think she’s one of our greatest living legends and national treasures, and then just call it a day. I mean, I could, and after all, it sorta wouldn’t be the first time. MAIS NON!

Liza turns 65 this year, and that’s a damn special year as far as I’m concerned! I’ll be happy if I can get about at all without the assistance of a Rascal Scooter when I’m 65, so strutting about the way Liza still does would be asking for a lot. As such, this year we’re doing things a bit different, y’all.

Above? We have a fabulous caricature by one of my favorite artists, Al Hirschfeld, from the galleries over at Flixster. And below? A stunning discovery I just made in the name of Liza Minnelli birthday post research. So ladies and gentlemen, it’s with greatest pleasure to present the hot piece of early-90s razzle-dazzle that is Liza Minnelli performing “Losing My Mind” on The Arsenio Hall Show:

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