Let’s Make a Meme: Nomi Malone Licking Things
March 9, 2015

make a meme nomi malone

After I produced my Photoshop masterpiece, Nomi Malone: MTA Enthusiast, it was only a matter of time before I asked myself, What comes after greatness? Since it’s all creatively downhill after you photoshop a stripper on the subway, I figured why not try and contribute to internet meme-dom with an entire series of Nomi Malone licking things—a No-meme Malone, if you will. After all, even Icarus needed something to do during the fall.

So ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, my first round of contributions to Nomi Malone Licking Things. Things like…

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Hurley and Don Draper Conversate: A Lost/Mad Men Video Smash-Up
November 9, 2010

Sure, I had a few bones to pick with the last season of Lost, never mind the series finale I couldn’t shut up about before it aired (because of all the excitement) and couldn’t much remember afterward (because of all the gin and tonics–just kidding!  It was on account of the rage strokes).  I also recognize I’m still tragically behind on this past season’s irresponsible Mad Men recaps, so perhaps this comes as something of a blog beat FAIL, but no matter.  The internet has blessed us with video where Lost‘s Hurley and Mad Men‘s Don Draper attempt to carry on a conversation with their respective verbal tics.  As a video smash-up, it’s pretty much what you’d expect (amusing, but in a very interweb sort of way), which is precisely why it’s totally worth your while:

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Lee DeWyze’s “Beautiful Day” Must Be Stopped
May 26, 2010

It has come to my attention that if Lee DeWyze wins this season’s American Idol, his first single will be his rendition of U2’s “Beautiful Day.”  That is unacceptable, because his version is just like the leather hoodie he’s wearing during this performance (AWFUL):

Blech.

Sure, I recognize that many of you out there are like, “But Benjamin, what version of ‘Beautiful Day’ doesn’t suck?” and that’s fine.  Seeing as I’m too-U2-fanboy-to-function (as has been repeatedly evidenced here), I’m inclined to disagree, but disagreeing is one of those things upon which we can all agree.  And you know what else we can agree on?  Lee DeWyze’s version is a total bore.

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Five Lost Fan Videos That Would Make the Internet a Better Place
May 20, 2010

UGH.  I hate to make like a broken record, y’all, but for realsies:

I can already feel early onset withdrawal coming on, and boy is it bleak.  It’s so bad that I’ve had to work extra hard on my shimmies to help balance out the shakes, and I’ve had to buy myself industrial strength spoons to make sure I don’t accidentally swallow my tongue in the process.  Like I said, bleak.

Anyways, the one upside to being such a human train wreck is that it’s gotten me thinking about Lost fan videos, or–to be more specific–the lack of Lost fan videos.  Seriously, the internet is a bastion for all of us nerds with too much time on our hands to obsess over things like Lost, or which image should come next in their YouTube Miley Cyrus fan video slide show.  Sadly for me, I’m too technologically incompetent to know how to make or even upload a YouTube video.  Hell, I can barely make a gif, and I have to write up all my blog posts on a typewriter and then have have a 15-year-old transcribe them into C++ (that’s how it works, right?), because the interwebs are for the young and I am OLD.  My point is, I’ve come up with a list of Lost fan videos that I think should happen, and I think we, the internet, need to make them happen.  For example:

Song: U2’s “No Line on the Horizon”

Why: U2’s ambient rock hymn to a “girl who’s like the sea” is transformed into one fan’s ode to the mysteries of the island itself.  The lines “Time is irrelevant/It’s not linear” take on a whole new meaning that encapsulates the time-shifting experience Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse have crafted over the course of six seasons.  On the down side, though, there’s no mention of narrative meandering, inexplicably dropped plot threads, or a last-act explanation of “Your questions lead to more questions, so here is a cave of golden light.”

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Because We Need Lost Laughter to Get Through the Lost Pain, Here’s the Series Finale as a Sitcom
May 17, 2010

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

Knowing that we’re less than a week away from the series finale of Lost fills me with an anxious emotional cocktail of that’s one part excitement and two parts trepidation.  Excitement because I can’t wait to find out how it all finally comes to a close.  Trepidation because I’m not ready to wake up to a world where a brand new episode of Lost isn’t only a week–or even a seemingly interminable span of months between seasons–away, and also because I’m going to be back home in Georgia that weekend.  I’m less worried about getting answers to all my questions (will Penny and Desmond finally be reunited?  What has become of my two favorite Others, Benjamin Linus and Richard Alpert?  And will Kate please either make herself useful or just die already?) and more concerned about my post-finale yowls of pop culture despair awaking my parents.  Seriously, there’s not enough sound-proofing material in all of metro Atlanta to guarantee them a decent night’s sleep.

Anyways, at least I can console myself knowing there’s this video that imagines what the Lost series finale would be like if it were a sitcom, because we’re going to need a bigger LOLZ to get through all the *TEARZ!*, y’all:

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Here’s a Fan-Made Promo to Remind Us What Life After the Lost Series Finale’s Going to Be Like
May 5, 2010

Last night, I was forced to confront YET AGAIN how much I’m really ready for this:

Seriously, it’s been six glorious, occasionally frustrating years with the survivors of the Oceanic Flight 815 crash, and I for one am not ready to get off that rapidly derailing crazy train.  For example, at a certain point last night, a certain thing happened and *SPOILER ALERT* I cried like a dirty bitch because I realized that Lost really is coming to a close.  The end is near, y’all, which means some of our questions if we’re lucky everything will be answered, and while that’s terribly exciting in so many ways, I haven’t yet come to grips with the reality that soon enough I won’t have anything on TV to bark “WHAAAT?!?” at in utter shock and confusion.  At least nothing that doesn’t air on Fox News or the Playboy Channel.

Anyways, ABC recently ran a contest for fans to submit promos for the series finale, and while I’m pretty sure the most confusing Lost mystery to date is how this one didn’t win, I’m extremely confident that this video is what life will look like after the Lost series finale:

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Important Moments in Lost FAILs: Lost Fails to Deliver Sufficient Levels of Dick Alpert Hotness, Abs
March 24, 2010

As a self-admitted Lost fan facing the rapidly approaching series finale, I try to remind myself that despite all the years of obsessive speculation and moments of howler-monkeying at the television in shock/frustration/amazement, Lost is only a show, and so it is only natural for it to occasionally slip up.  After all, how else do the explain the utterly delicious third season mistake that was Paulo?

Or his partner in crime, Nikki?

Her catchphrase?  Also delicious.  The rest?  Not so much.  Small wonder her character was buried alive, though it’s such a shame Rodrigo Santoro had to go with her.  Double whoops on the sexy front, Lost writers!

Anywhoozle, I fully accept that no show–including Lost–will ever be perfect, and I can make peace with the occasional Lost misstep much like I eventually made peace with the public school storyarc in the third season of The O.C.; HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean I won’t call things like I see ’em, which brings us to this:

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A Few Reasons I Probably Shouldn’t Discuss Remember Me
March 2, 2010

So I’ve been asked to spend a few words on this:

I might as well have been asked to give an introductory lecture on the films of John Wayne or an instructional course on finding the G-Spot.  There really are too many reasons to count as to why I should take a pass on this one, but popular demand (aka, a single request posted on my Facebook wall) is popular demand, so I decided the best way to talk about Remember Me is to actually talk about why I shouldn’t talk about Remember Me.  Now let’s get meta and do this thing.

Reason One: Inevitable Teen Girl Squad Backlash

If the first year of Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has taught me anything, it’s that you do NOT challenge the tastes of teenage girls with internet connections.  They will metaphorically shank you with their hastily composed comments, and each misspelled word and basic grammatical error will sting worse than a thousand paper cuts from thoroughly dog-eared copy of Breaking Dawn.  Believe me.  I know.

Anyways, for that reason alone I know that I shouldn’t contribute my two cents on Remember Me, or any Robert Pattinson movie for that matter.  No matter the movie,  it will only end in bad things (burning my effigy in a chaotic orgy of hormone-addled bloodlust?).  Particularly if I were to started flapping my trap about that one where he played a gay Salvadore Dali (burning me at the stake in a chaotic orgy of hormone-addled bloodlust).  Like I said, I know I shouldn’t, but that’s obviously not stopping me.

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At Last! Lost News That Won’t Make You Immediately Pluck Out Your Eyes in Regret for Reading It
February 4, 2010

One of the things that’s the worst about being a fan of Lost (aside from rendering you absolutely insufferable to all your non-fan friends and family for months at a time) is how you have to remain so guarded against any potential surprises.  One minute you’re perusing your favorite Lost comment board in hopes of corroborating your theory about how Hurley’s burp in that one scene could be an allusion to 15th-century Franciscan scripture, and the next moment your eyes are gushing blood because someone posted an unmarked spoiler.  Like I said, the worst.

Anyways, fortunately this is not one of this instances.  Well, unless your definition of a spoiler is whose abs you’ll be seeing this season, in which case ABS ALERT, ‘cos it’s Lost‘s sexiest Other, Richard Alpert:

Yes, Richard Alpert (played by Nestor Carbonell)–the mysterious Other who has mysteriously resisted aging over the past three seasons and numerous decades of Lost‘s narrative–might soon abandon his shirt like his name is Jack Sawyer. This is obviously a good thing, and you can thank Star Trek 2 casting rumors and the inquisitive minds at Movieline for this glorious news:

I think the question, Nestor, is whether you have the pecs to play Khan.
[Laughs] Listen, all modesty aside, I’m pretty shredded right now. Richard may not get to flex his muscles, but he’s not averse to taking off his shirt. Should it happen, the fans will know.

Wait, spoiler alert! We’re getting a shirtless Richard scene soon?
I can neither confirm nor deny. [Laughs]

“I can neither confirm nor deny” might as well be Lost speak for “DUH” at this point, so JACKPOT!

Of course, I could explain why this is a good thing, or I could simply offer the jury indisputable evidence, so I’ll choose the latter.

Your honor, exhibit A:

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The 70-Minute Star Wars: The Phantom Menace Is the Best 70 Minutes You’ll Spend All Day
December 19, 2009

I’ve never fully understood the Star Wars: The Phantom Menace backlash.  It’s damn painful in parts (mostly the parts with Jar Jar Binks or Jake Lloyd), but I’ve always been willing to allow for its (frequent) missteps as inevitable the result of George Lucas being rusty and out of touch with what made the original trilogy a cultural milestone; after all, taking twenty-some-odd years away from the story that made you famous can do that.  I’m not saying The Phantom Menace is an unheralded classic, but I am saying we’re all allowed to make mistakes, and at least those mistakes don’t involve sloppily borrowing from not one but two Ridley Scott movies.  Whoops, Attack of the Clones, that’s your bad-idea cross to bare.

Anyways, there’s now a thorough (70-minutes long) and compelling (utterly hilarious) argument for The Phantom Menace being the nadir of the series.  That may seem like too much time to commit to one nerd’s take down of a movie that wasn’t worth its own bloated running time in the first place, but it’s not:

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Lost‘s Jeremy Davies Was on Melrose Place? Whaaa???
April 29, 2009

If you watch Lost, you know that it’s the greatest show on TV, but every once and a while once and a while don’t you find yourself wishing that there was just a little less of the smoke monsters and the time travel and a little bit more of the tawdry, gay melodrama?  Goodness knows I do!  Thankfully, Jeremy Davies once had a role on Melrose Place.  As a recovering crack addict/gay hustler.  Perfect.

Sweet mercy, between the pitchy, shrill laughs and the sheepishly limp wrist, he really nailed the 90s stereotypical gay male caricature.  If only he had a lisp, then it would have been truly complete, a veritable trifecta of faggotry, if you will!

Having seen this, though, I’m going to from now on pretend that Daniel Faraday’s neurotic tics and general nervousness aren’t traits related to his crazy brilliance; no no, I’m going to pretend it’s from the crack withdrawal.  Looks like I just made Lost a little bit more interesting.  Hire me, Damon Lindeloff!  I’ve got so many great/inappropriate-for-the-direction-of-your-show ideas to give!

Kudos to Movieline for noting this early 90s artifact.

Lost Humor Never Gets Old
April 3, 2009

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Smoke monster.

Smoke monster who?

Smoke-monster-related fake advertisements from the Dharma Initiative are the best.  Duh.

lost-ad

This fake ad really speaks for itself.  I really don’t need to preempt it with my babbling, but I just wanted an excuse to link back to that Sayid video.  I’ll take any excuse, really.  Gay marriage is legal in Iowa?  Sayid video.  Fast & Furious opens to dismal reviews?  Sayid video.  Why, you ask?

Because “I guess that’s more of a fact than a joke” will never get old.  If anything, that line is my constant.

Thanks to Jiro for finding this.

If You’re a Lost Fan, This Will Make You Pee Your Pants
March 25, 2009

Lost fans are a rather particular and obsessive cult, but these are rather necessary qualities for a show of such narrative complexity.  With all the time-hopping and complicated mythologies and tantalizing mysteries, you really can’t half-ass your way through a viewing.  With all that said, I imagine this video won’t make much sense to the uninitiated, and you’ll probably tell me I’ve a terribly lame sense of humor (perhaps) or I’m totally gay for liking that video (well I am, duh, but that’s ‘cos I like men; liking this video is purely incidental).  To those that watch Lost, though, you’d better have some adult diapers ready.  In honor of a new episode of Lost tonight, I present this to you:

“I guess that’s more of a fact than a joke.”  In internet terms, I believe the response to that line is LOL.  I prefer brilliant.  

This video is like the fifth-season-Lost of comedy videos in that its success is based entirely on having followed the show and being able to catch all the references.  That said, the reactions alone make this video positively priceless.  Between the girl playing Claire and the spot-on Hurley, this video is an infinite source of laughter.  

I also highly consider checking out the website where I found this video.  This Gil Ozeri fellow is some kind of comedic genius.

Also, I’ll be telling that smoke monster joke all day.  You’ve been warned.

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