Archive for February, 2010

Happy Birthday, Elizabeth Taylor!
February 27, 2010

Maybe it’s the way this still from Ash Wednesday makes me curse the fact that it is still not out on DVD for me to witness this:

Elizabeth Taylor in "Ash Wednesday"

BUT IN MOTION.

Or maybe it’s the exquisite tingle her delivery of Catherine’s climactic monologue in [obligatory spoiler warning] Suddenly, Last Summer:

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TGIF! Now Here’s Myles Cooper’s “Gonna Find Boyfriends Today”
February 26, 2010

I’m pretty sure that–second to the video of the My Little Ponies sing showtunes–this is easily the most delicious piece of eyeball candy you could have all week:

I like how this video pretends that the worst thing about living in a magical world that looks like Candy Land as seen through an acid flashback is not having a boyfriend.  HA, that’s adorable.  We all know the worst thing about living in a magical world that looks like Candy Land as seen through an acid flashback is having to refrain from eating your neighbors, the singing strawberry and the dancing cupcake.  I’m sorry, but when your psychedelic wonderland is like being stoned out of your damn mind 24/7, that is a world of self control that none of us have.  

Much love to Vanessa for bringing this into my life.

Rejoice! Now There’s a Solution for the Global Pandemic of Dull and Boring Toilets!
February 26, 2010

I used to think that the most excitement you could have with going to the bathroom is eating four Filet-O-Fish sandwiches at the same time:

That, dear readers, is the Russian Roulette of pooping your pants.  

Anyways, apparently I was wrong:

Spectacular.  It’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure, but for bowel movements!

All joking aside, it’s pretty clear that we all need a Wow Toilet in our life.  Think about it.  You could get companies to sponsor your toilet, which is a great way to make money and announce to your guests that you’re a corporate whore.  I mean, maybe it’s just me, but I’d gladly have a picture of Steve Jobs staring back at me every time I used the loo if it got me any closer to an iPad.

And, if nothing else, you can have your customizable Wow Toilet match this striking bathroom set:

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The New Trailer for the Remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street Is Almost Perfect. I Said ALMOST.
February 25, 2010

After months of anticipation and a near stint at streetwalking, we’ve finally been blessed with a new trailer for the new A Nightmare on Elm Street.  So let’s all put down those ho boots and wipe off that lipstick and watch this thing:

I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful bitch or anything, but really?  Stop being mean, New Line Cinema!  This isn’t a trailer; it’s a cruel two-and-a-half-minute assault on my last fraying strand of patience.  I mean, my old-fashioned ass may prefer Wes Craven’s use of practical effects to have Freddy come through the wall:

Over this:

But I’m not going to shed crybaby tears over the CGI because then I might as well just be saying, “Wah, I’m OLD.”  The fact is that I love everything about this trailer except for the whole waiting two more months part.  That part’s the worst.

Like I said, though, no crybaby tears.  Mostly because the film’s look is winning me over, and Jackie Earle Haley’s Freddy Krueger is seriously freaking my shit out.  But let’s not lie.  There’s also this incentive to see the new A Nightmare on Elm Street:

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Daria: The Complete Animated Series on DVD Will Be All the Daria You Could Ever Desire
February 24, 2010

Quite literally.  From DVDActive:

All 5 seasons will be included, along with both movies. Extras will include the Pilot – Sealed With a Kick, a Mystik Spiral Music Video “Freakin’ Friends”, Daria Day Intros, a Top Ten Video Countdown Hosted by Daria & Jane, Cast & Crew Interviews, and a Never Before-Seen Mystik Sprial spin-off script.

YES.

Never mind that no price was given.  I would give my first-born fake baby to have Daria on DVD, or at the very least an IOU for a real one.  Oh hell, who am I kidding?  It’s $50.99 over at Amazon.com, which is a bargain when it comes to nostalgia-fueled impulse buys.

It obviously goes without saying that this is my confirm-order face:

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Here’s a Ten-Minute Video of My Little Ponies Singing Showtunes. You’re Welcome
February 23, 2010

I’m not saying that a video of two people in life-size My Little Pony costumes performing show tunes isn’t a metaphor for my childhood:

I’m just saying that a medley of selections from Tchaikovsky’s The Nutcracker and Genesis’s Invisible Touch as performed by Dino Riders and a Barbie doll whilst I prance around the stage on my mom’s old long-handed duster and hum the Wicked Witch of the West’s theme song would be far more on the nose.

And Wagnerian.  At least in terms of freakish absurdity.

Naturally much love to Videogum and Dlisted.  Teamwork makes the dream work.

At Last! My Hopes for a New Nightmare on Elm Street Remake Trailer Have Been Answered. Sorta
February 23, 2010

Out of respect to the small yet loyal blog audience that regularly indulges my crazy, I’ve avoided incessantly rants about my increasingly impatient yearning for a new trailer for the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Why?  Because even I’m aware of how much that would start to drag ass.  

That said, ever since the teaser trailer showed up last fall and made me change my mind about this whole affair, I’ve been hungry for more, and now we’re two months from its release without any news of another trailer in sight, which means I’ve been a hot second away from turning tricks on the street corner for even a little Nightmare on Elm Street remake somethin’ somethin’.

Fortunately for my sense of dignity and everyone else’s eyes, ComingSoon.net has a quick fix in the form of a new teaser poster:

nightmare on elm street remake teaser poster 2

Sure, this is basically the first teaser poster except now it’s all about Face whereas before it was about Glove, but you know what?  I’ll take it.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, y’all.  Particularly when fishnets and hooker heels really aren’t your best look.  

Oh, and while we’re at it, ShockTillYouDrop.com has gathered some new promo stills from over at MovieGod.de.  Let’s go take a peek and see what we can figure out:

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50 Cent’s Set to Write, Produce, and Star in the Second Best Possible Things Fall Apart in Which 50 Cent Could Write, Produce, and Star
February 22, 2010

When I saw there was the headline “50 Cent to produce, write, star in ‘Things Fall Apart'” over at EW.com, my heart skipped a beat at the thought of what that would be like, but then I actually read the article:

Curtis Jackson, better known as rapper-actor 50 Cent, will co-produce, co-write, and star in a feature film titled Things Fall ApartVariety reports. Jackson will play a running back in the college-football drama, which is unrelated to Chinua Achebe’s classic 1958 novel of the same title. Mario Van Peebles has signed on to direct.

Boo.  I’m sure that there’s every possibility that a college-football drama written, produced, and starring 50 Cent has every reason to end up being just fine, but that means 50 Cent’s Things Fall Apart is going to be a sports movie, and getting me to see a sports movie is only slightly easier than getting me to watch footage of a live birth.  

Maybe it’s just me, but frankly I wish they’d gone in a different direction:

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Today in Secret Shames: Avril Lavigne’s “Alice” on the Alice in Wonderland Soundtrack
February 19, 2010

I’m sure there are all sorts of initial reactions to the news that Disney’s planning to release a companion album inspired by money Tim Burton’s Alice and Wonderland featuring songs by the likes of Robert Smith, The All-American Rejects, and Avril Lavigne.  Perhaps “Wicked awesome!” is one of them, but I instead fell into this camp:

Really, at first I was terribly confused.  But then I got to thinking about it some more, and I realized that this album is synergizing marketing genius.  Possibly the most synergizing marketing genius.  EVER.

If there’s ever been an album tailor-made to the market of Hot-Topic-shopping youth culture that isn’t a soundtrack to one of the Twilight movies, this is without question it.  The only thing that kids these days love more than feeling feeling misunderstood while working on their homemade Edward Scissorhands costumes is listening to Tokio Hotel (also on Almost Alice, duh) while feeling misunderstood and working on their homemade Edward Scissorhands costumes.  Oh, and let’s not forget pretending being in a love triangle with a werewolf and a vampire.  YUMMO.

Anyways, given how I’m an adult who doesn’t paint his nails black and keep all his shit in an Edward Cullen trapper keeper or a Nightmare Before Christmas backpack, I’m probably not the target demographic for this video for Avril Lavigne’s “Alice.”  Still, I am both ridiculously stoked for Alice and Wonderland and also man enough to admit that I still have at one time had “Sk8er Boi” on my iPod, so obviously we need to discuss said music video:

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The Black Eyed Peas’ “Imma Be Rocking That Body” Is Epic, Makes Total Sense
February 18, 2010

Only one of the above statements is true.  Given that this 10-minute plutonium-powered crazy train video contains break-dancing robots and silver Phantom of the Opera masks and the Black Eyed Peas shooting people with dance rifles, can you guess which one?

At least the video explains the break-dancing robots and silver Phantom of the Opera masks and the Black Eyed Peas shooting people with dance rifles by saying it was all Fergie’s motorcycle crash fueled  dream, which I suppose makes “Imma Be Rocking That Body” the love child of Mulholland Drive and a gang bang with the robots from Terminator Salvation.  And while this video is easily the most fun Robot Apocalypse EVER, it’s also undeniable proof of the following:

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This Comes as No Surprise, But Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” Will Be Bonkers
February 17, 2010

Well it seems as though some pics from the video for Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” have found there way onto the internet yesterday.  They’re crazy (duh), and we need to discuss them (double duh).

For example, there’s the hat that blends cubism, post-humanism, and a rotary phone found at a Dadaist’s stoop sale:

If I tried to make this hat myself, I’d probably burn down the Haus of Gaga with a hot glue gun.  This is why my preferred form of camping involves quoting Joan Crawford movies instead of arts and crafts.  Also, I find it strangely comforting to know that fabulously ridiculous hats are to Lady Gaga as Penny is to Desmond on Lost.  You know, constants.

And while we’re at it, shall we talk about the part where Lady Gaga throws an all-American dance-off?  Yes, let’s:

Sure, I don’t like risking nosebleeds from asking probing existential questions like “What’s the meaning of life?” or “Why is Lady Gaga dressed like she’s heading to a redneck BBQ?”, but hot damn do I hope it has something to do with this movie:

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TGIF! Now Here’s a Valentine I Made for the Hopelessly Single Person in Your Life
February 12, 2010


I think you’ll agree that the macaroni’s the finishing touch that really says, “I love you because I made this myself.”  Even though you didn’t, which probably means you don’t.

Harry Potter and the Fan Video That Should Should Not Exist
February 12, 2010

I won’t bother going into the curious chain of events that lead me to scouring YouTube for Liz Phair’s ridiculously catchy and gloriously NSFW ode to a certain bodily fluid because I like to have a little mystery every once and a while.  Also, I’m not the one who used “H.W.C.” in their homoerotic Dumbledore fan video, so I shouldn’t have to explain myself right now:

Yikes.

I mean, on one hand, there’s this moment that reminds us why the internet is the best:

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Nothing Tastes as Good as Diva Feels
February 11, 2010

I’m pretty sure this Snickers commercial isn’t quite what Kate Moss meant when she said her life motto was “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”  But I’m also pretty sure that if there’s any truth to this Snickers commercial, Kate Moss is some sort of all-knowing Magic 8 Ball made out of hungry orphans’ tears and the occasional carrot stick:

It should go without saying that I think this ad is brilliant, and I feel like having a Snickers to reward all that cleverness.  That, and my inner-fat girl’s on her heavy-flow day.  But it’s also worth mentioning that if the gist of this ad is that making like Ms. Moss and just saying no to solid food holds the power to magically transform you into Aretha Franklin and/or Liza Minnelli, isn’t this ad actually about the importance of NEVER EATING AGAIN?

Sure, I recognize that–what with my weaknesses for cookies, Bloomin’ Onions, McDonald’s, anything you can deep-fry or smother in gravy or preferably both, as well as most anything found the snack aisle at Duane Reade–I probably can’t even muster up enough hunger pangs to transform me into an excessively bitchy Judy Garland impersonator.  Still, I’d like to believe that with enough will power (there’s is not enough will power in the world, but let’s pretend), I could become so hungry that I’d become the diva equivalent of sending Liza Minnelli and Aretha Franklin through a telepod.  At the same time:

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We Live in a World Where the Hoodie-Footie Snuggle Suit Is an Actual Thing
February 10, 2010

I should probably not be throwing stones in the glass house of late-night-infomercials.  Particularly after making my thoughts on the Necky so abundantly clear.  Fine, I’m just a pot calling an impulse buy blah blah blah. I can’t help myself.  I want this.  IMMEDIATELY:

Maybe it’s the fact that this batshit crazy onesie comes in bubblegum pink (making it both my personal Kryptonite and an appropriate outfit for Wednesdays).  It could be that the Hoodie-Footie Snuggle Suit is made of “marshmallow-soft fleece,” which is easily the best product description since “designer leopard” became a color.  Then again, it’s probably the fact that I imagine slipping into one of these and having a comfort blackout, only to awaken several days later and find myself covered in Chef Boyardee stains with a wad of day-old mini-ravioli in my hair.  Whatever it is, I’m just glad I now know what I’ll wearing day-in and day-out in the twilight years of my existence when I’m a hermetic old queen with too many cats.  So, in gay years, my mid-thirties.  

Best of all, though?  You can have your name embroidered onto your Hoodie-Footie Snuggle Suit, thus making sure everybody knows the name of the fierce bitch who dares to wear pink fleece, footed pajamas in public.  Isn’t that right, Katherine?

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Our Prayers Have Been Answered! Homecoming Is Finally Coming to DVD
February 9, 2010

I cannot convey to you in words how much this delights me, but DVDActive is reporting that Homecoming is at long last arriving on DVD April 27th.  Obviously this is a good thing because I know we’ve all been waiting an eternity (or since last summer) to witness Mischa Barton channel Kathy Bates in Misery and bring on the crazy in a hardcore way.  And for those of you who haven’t been waiting for Homecoming grace your eyeballs like a thousand golden rays of batshit bonkers sunshine, allow me to repost the trailer to remind you how you live a joyless existence and generally fail at life:

Um, there’s a scene where Mischa Barton takes a bed pan to the face.  The face!  If that doesn’t indicate how much this movie DEMANDS our support, then I don’t know what does.  Also, let’s not forget how Mischa’s currently guesting as a hooker named Gladys on Law & Order: SVU in order to pay the bills.  Girl could probably use the residual check.

Most importantly, though, Homecoming is apparently the movie in which Mischa Barton can has ham sandwich:

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TGIF! Now Here’s the New Video for Lady Gaga’s “Telephone”
February 5, 2010

Obviously, this video is perfection.  Particularly the part when their outfits at the end of the video at various points remind me of Cyclops and Phoenix from X-Men and Katana from Mortal Kombat II, but I’m a nerd like that.

Oh, and as Lady Gaga would say: God bless the gays.

Much love to Queerty for this one.

At Last! Lost News That Won’t Make You Immediately Pluck Out Your Eyes in Regret for Reading It
February 4, 2010

One of the things that’s the worst about being a fan of Lost (aside from rendering you absolutely insufferable to all your non-fan friends and family for months at a time) is how you have to remain so guarded against any potential surprises.  One minute you’re perusing your favorite Lost comment board in hopes of corroborating your theory about how Hurley’s burp in that one scene could be an allusion to 15th-century Franciscan scripture, and the next moment your eyes are gushing blood because someone posted an unmarked spoiler.  Like I said, the worst.

Anyways, fortunately this is not one of this instances.  Well, unless your definition of a spoiler is whose abs you’ll be seeing this season, in which case ABS ALERT, ‘cos it’s Lost‘s sexiest Other, Richard Alpert:

Yes, Richard Alpert (played by Nestor Carbonell)–the mysterious Other who has mysteriously resisted aging over the past three seasons and numerous decades of Lost‘s narrative–might soon abandon his shirt like his name is Jack Sawyer. This is obviously a good thing, and you can thank Star Trek 2 casting rumors and the inquisitive minds at Movieline for this glorious news:

I think the question, Nestor, is whether you have the pecs to play Khan.
[Laughs] Listen, all modesty aside, I’m pretty shredded right now. Richard may not get to flex his muscles, but he’s not averse to taking off his shirt. Should it happen, the fans will know.

Wait, spoiler alert! We’re getting a shirtless Richard scene soon?
I can neither confirm nor deny. [Laughs]

“I can neither confirm nor deny” might as well be Lost speak for “DUH” at this point, so JACKPOT!

Of course, I could explain why this is a good thing, or I could simply offer the jury indisputable evidence, so I’ll choose the latter.

Your honor, exhibit A:

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In Honor of Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s First Birthday, a Few Words From Your Captain
February 3, 2010

Why yes, there is a reason this corner of the internet’s feeling so fancy today:

I know, I know.  It might surprise you to know, but Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner began a year ago today, even more surprising is that those early posts were about a hodge podge of things like the world’s greatest condiment, a movie about a man that ejaculates fire, a banana monster, the dazzling directorial debut of Showgirl‘s Rena Riffel, a music video that was ostensibly filmed inside my head, my favorite Joan Crawford movie, the fact that she wears glasses in said movie, the increasingly ridiculous task of reviewing every track off U2’s No Line on the Horizon in Haiku, that one time Lindsay Lohan tried to sell us outfits adorned with anal beads, and that other time I learned to stop worrying and love Lady Gaga’s (gay) bomb.

On second thought, that all sounds pretty par for the course around here, so scratch that.

My point is that it might have been a long a curious journey involving frequent over-caffeination and the constant threat of carpal tunnel to get us where we are today, and I thank you for coming along for the ride, my dears.  Here’s hoping we continue to ride this crazy train together long into the sunset.

Now let’s all celebrate with some ice cream cake:

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Joan Crawford Knows Kung Fu
February 2, 2010

Sure, technically it’s Judo, not Kung Fu, but let’s focus on what’s important in this video, and what’s important is that this is from a movie that stars Joan Crawford as a mental hospital’s head nurse who teaches Judo to the other nurses so they may use it against the ward’s patients.  And even moreso?  This movie exists, and its poster is fabulous:

Sweet mercy!  I’m happy enough that The Caretakers features Evil Nurse Joan Crawford with karate-chop action.  I mean, Joan Crawford performances are like Pokemon toys for gay men: you gotta catch ’em all!  But then I’m confronted with all these images female hysteria in the poster, and I get so overwhelmed, and all of a sudden I’m out in the streets making a scene.  Sorta like Polly Bergen in The Caretakers:  

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