Random Thoughts I Had While Watching Sex and the City 2

This past Memorial Day, I went to go see Sex and the City 2.  Here are some thoughts (besides “UGH!”) that crossed my mind over the course of the afternoon:

  • This is the actual display sponsored by Skyy vodka in the lobby of the theater where I went to see Sex and the City 2:

  • Let’s be clear on this: here is a vodka selling a movie that’s selling an impossibly “fabulous” nightmare fantasy lifestyle.  Perfect.  The movie hasn’t even begun, and I already wish I was blackout drunk from a shoetini bender.
  • On second thought, I’d rather conserve brain cells (I am going to see Sex and the City 2, after all) and just eat my feelings (impending sense of dread, unfathomable sorrow) instead.  Seeing as it’s Memorial Day, I’m in the mood for hot dogs.  Seriously, federally sanctioned summer holidays always put me in the mood for a hot dog.  Go figure.
  • Oh, and speaking of things that put me in the mood for hot dogs:

  • For realsies, y’all.  Maybe it’s just lil’ ol’ cat lady me, but Noah Mills (the actor that played Anthony’s brother at the wedding), is 31 flavors of manliciousness.  My roommate found his earring to be a turn off, but when you haven’t made out with a guy in as long as watching Sex and the City 2 feels (AN ETERNITY), I’m pretty sure Samantha could’ve bedded a Yeti at Stanford and Anthony’s wedding and I still would’ve damn near passed out from sexual hyperventilation.
  • Speaking of Stanford and Anthony’s wedding, Carrie’s Goblin Queen Crown of Fug was a fitting touch to the character who ever increasingly behaves like a self-absorbed shrew monster who thirsts for jewelry, shoes and self-validation from others.  Her weaknesses include fancy take-out, behaving like a responsible adult, and staying in to watch classic Hollywood movies.
  • I never realized how much I never needed to see Samantha spackle her squeezebox with hormone creams until I saw it go down.  From her secretary’s point of view.  After that scene, I felt like I needed a rumcomfortable and Coke.
  • Does Miranda being a lawyer for at least 20-something years yet still capable of having a terrible, misogynistic boss mean she’s at a firm where it’s hard to get ahead if you’re a woman, or does it mean that she’s just not that good of a lawyer?  Discuss.
  • Ruined vintage Valentino pants are a reason for Charlotte to lock herself in a pantry and cry about how difficult being a mom is?  I meant that incredulously.  Do not discuss.
  • Once the girls arrive in Abu Dhabi for their vacation, there’s an entire mini-montage devoted to the bulges of an Australian soccer team getting into the pool.  Now here’s a lazy film theory joke: Blah blah blah Eisenstein’s montage theory, blah blah blah the montage creates an explosion, blah blah blah.  (In your pants.)
  • Jokes about camel toe from camel rides?  No thanks.  “Camel Toe” by Fannypack?  YES PLEASE:
  • At one point in the movie, the girls go karaoke  at a bar.  They perform “I Am Woman,” and by the end of their performance women of all different ages, shapes, and ethnicities are singing along with them in female solidarity.  It’s a crass, self-satisfied attempt at feminist commentary.  It’s also when I realize this movie is far worse than I ever anticipated.
  • You know that part when Charlotte and Miranda sip cocktails and bitch about how hard it is to be moms, and then they sorta break the fourth wall by toasting all the moms who don’t have any hired help to raise their kids (i.e., the majority of the audience to which this franchise was at one point vaguely relatable)?  Fuck that part.
  • Here is a short list of dramatic tensions that occur in the climax of Sex and the City 2:
  1. Getting to the airport on time so they don’t have to fly coach!
  2. Escaping the mob of angry Muslim men enraged by Samantha humping the air and caterwauling about how much she loves sex!  In the market!
  3. Putting down the gun, and finding the will to live!  (Sorry, that last one was me in the theater.)
  • When Carrie gets back from Abu Dhabi, Big gives Carrie a black diamond ring because she’s so different.  And because he doesn’t care that she kissed Aiden (who incidentally kissed Carrie because she’s so different).  Carrie did not get a black diamond because it’s the color of her soul.
  • Carrie is so different.
  • Big is so good at lying.
  • I am so never going to see another Sex and the City movie.
  • Oh, wait. I lied as well:

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6 Responses

  1. 1) “rumcomfortable and coke” = genius.

    2) OMG, Fannypack! I haven’t heard that song in ages.

    3) I could have done without the GAY!! wedding completely if I knew Samantha was going to bed two really hot guys in the movie. That was all the gay fan-service I needed. Not Liza.

    4) The third movie will clearly take place in space, if only for this joke: “These shoes are out of this world,” and so that Samantha can either offend and/or have sex with Martians.

    5) I want to see this recast with drag queens. Actual drag queens, not people who act like them.

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  2. Perfect. I am so pleased that I suffered through this with you, Brynn and Vanessa. And you didn’t mention that you got the biggest laugh of all when you spoke back to the screen.

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  3. I think your post failed – because now I actually *want* to see the movie. As long as you are doing a MST3K running commentary…

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  4. darling, i love your review! new york mag should hire you. xoxo p.s. satc was a commercial from start to finish, n’est pas?

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  5. […] revolution; unfortunately for me, I’ve recently been gorging on far too much pop culture garbage to fit into my size-28 pretentious pants and digest all of this crazy.  And […]

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  6. […] Obviously Adam wears these batshit crazy shoulder pads better.  Why?  Because he still glows with the dignity of having never uttered the phrase “Lawrence of my labia.” […]

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