TGIF! Now Here’s the Current State of the U.S. Political Conversation
March 4, 2016

In case you missed it (and you know missed it), Donald Trump took a moment out of last night’s Republican Debate on Fox News to talk about his penis, which he guarantees “there’s no problem.” This all came about, mind you, after Marco Rubio apparently made a comment about Donald Trump having small hands, which he inferred meant other things were small, too. I see you, Rubio, you shady queen. The crowd ate it up like it was an all-you-can-eat sausage buffet, which I guess makes the Republican constituency a Samantha. Dickalicious, indeed.

Since I only understand things in terms of Showgirls references, I did a Google search for the line “She looks better than a ten inch dick and you know it.” I’d have settled for a GIF of Henrietta Bazoom to drop into this post, but instead I found the safe-for-work image results of a whole lotta not-Showgirls and lo-and-behold I sh*t you not our two new friends:

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Teletubbies in Black and White, Set to Joy Division
March 28, 2015

I find this comforting, like a Bergman movie.

[via Mashable. Much love to Nathan for this.]

Definitely Not Miss Piggy
March 7, 2015

definitely not miss piggy

Definitely not.

[Image via Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt]

Robocalypse NOPE
February 17, 2015

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

[via RocketNews24]

 

Steve’s Got Bette Davis Eyes…
November 9, 2013

steve buscemi bette davis eyes

She’ll unease you, indeed…

Here’s Steve Buscemi with Bette Davis eyes, because internet memes and 80s pop songs make for strange, ouroborosian bedfellows. So exquisite.

[White-hot glamour pic via Bobby Finger]

Lindsay Lohan Is Serving Us a White-Hot Plate of Dental Glamour
October 14, 2011

Mere nights ago, international lady of leisure, should’ve-been-Swan-Queen, and perennial tabloid critter Lindsay Lohan stepped out to an event to bring the paparazzi the sort refined elegance only a hobo corpse playing dress-up in a Forever 21 dumpster could offer. Just kidding! As usual, she looked gorgeous, so before you start trying to cast shade upon such pristinely polished beauty, let me remind you what her rep (Dina Lohan with the voice changer from the Scream movies, most likely) had to say to People:

Lindsay is widely acknowledged as one of the most stunning actresses of her day, and we get requests every week wanting to do photo shoots with her from top photographers.

She’s been on the cover of Vanity Fair and the top beauty and fashion magazines. She’s a beautiful and glamorous actress.

With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I’m going to comment on Lindsay’s teeth.

Don’t you get it, internet? She’s an actress! Never mind that her hands look like those of a street walker practicing her craft with sand paper and Sharpie markers; SHE’S READY FOR HER CLOSE-UP, MR. DEMILLE:

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The Dancing Squid Is Basically the Real-Life Nannerpuss
July 20, 2011

Most days over at this corner of the internet are devoted to sharing the camp curios and other various batsh*t crazy paraphernalia of the interwebs. Or, at the very least, yet another Showgirls reference, because Showgirls references NEVER get old. Then, of course, there are the days when your parents are about to come into town and you’ve spent your day off so far making the most of the city by eating a French Dip duck sandwich at Shopsin’s (trust me: you want to go to there), so the best offering you’ve come up with today is an old Denny’s commercial you’ve already previously posted because–much like Showgirls references–Nannerpuss never gets old.

Oh, and also: I just saw the following of this dancing squid, and it’s basically the real-life Nannerpuss:

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Blog Post #529, in Which There’s the Obligatory Liza Minnelli Drag Queen Photo Shoot from Halloween
November 8, 2010

For me, every Halloween’s outcome is a crap shoot.  Some years I’ll really get into the spirit and go out all dressed (or dragged) up, and other years will be spent holed up in my bedroom with whatever horror movies I can get my hand on and a bag of candy, all hopped-up on sugar and shouting obscenities at the television.  Fortunately enough, this year I ended up going with the former after I was invited to a Halloween party by my dear friend Lindsay.  Of course she and I would have to go as a pair, but obviously not as a lazy metaphor for sexual penetration:

Mostly because that lock costume would make me self-conscious about my hips, but whatever, I digress.

Our plan was to go as Lucille and Lucille II from Arrested Development; however, that fell through when we found that every last old-lady-with-a-bob wig was snatched up like it was a Brazilian drag competition.  All the same, I knew I still had to go as Liza Minnelli because:

  1. If Sandra Lee can do it semi-homemade, so could I.
  2. I’d already committed to the look by shaving my beard and dying my hair.
  3. Duh.
  4. Double-duh.

ANYWAYS, I’m not usually one to put overtly personal material up here (this isn’t LiveJournal, ladies!), but I did Liza drag this weekend, damnit, and if this tranny train wreck isn’t at least slightly camp, I’m clearly in need of six weeks intensive camp therapy (Joan Crawford movie marathons and Showgirls dance lessons).  If nothing else, this’ll be good for a laugh.  Or extremely vivid nightmares about a tackily dressed middle-aged lesbian.  Either/or, I would like to present without any further ado:

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Because It’s So Good When She’s Bad, Here’s a Girl Singing “I Will Always Love You” and Freaking Out
November 4, 2010

Seeing as how I’m a self-acknowledged karaoke nightmare, I wouldn’t want to try and measure up against anybody else’s vocal prowess.  Even if they mute.  And particularly if they were Whitney Houston, circa The Bodyguard:

As such, I’m not going to say that the girl in the video after the jump is bad, per se.  I’ll just leave it at that when she does fail, she fails spectacularly.  And with liberal use of the “f*ck” bomb, so if you happen to be at work, you probably shouldn’t be on this site pinkies out and headphones up, y’all:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Amateur PR Corner: Angry Mel Gibson Edition
July 14, 2010

Once upon a time, when Mel Gibson would get angry, things had a tendency to get hilarious:

sugar tits

Sugar tits?  Sugar tits.  You gotta love it.

Sure, it’s vulgar and demeaning to women, and I’m hardly saying misogyny is ever defensible, but you also get the feeling that he intended it as some sort of sweet talk, in which case he might as well start quoting Showgirls instead of love sonnets.  Besides, that phrase is positively quaint when you consider the nightmarish word garbage that makes up first, second, third, or fourth (and most likely more TK!) recorded rants directed at his wife, Oksana Grigorieva.  Seriously, nothing punctuates a Hallmark greeting card quite like “Sugar Tits,” though you’ve gotta admit that “I should’ve woken you up and said f*cking blow me, bitch!  I should’ve f*ckin’ woken you up and said blow me!  You would’ve liked that better, yeah?  But you need the goddamn sleep!” makes a great Valentine’s Day card from that special man who never puts his own needs before yours.

Anyways, seeing as I’m a total pro at rehabilitating busted-ass public images (when I’m not being a total queen, at least), let’s all take another little trip over to Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Amateur PR Corner and see what–if anything–can be done to help Mel Gibson save face in the public eye:

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Here’s a Video of a Sixty-Year-Old Man Getting His Freak on to Beyonce’s “Diva”
July 8, 2010

Meet Rick.  Rick hails from Arizona, and he has visited the adults-only resort Hedonism II some forty times for the “wild women” and the “rippin’ and the tearin'” (whatever that means, though on second thought, don’t tell me).  Ladies and gentleman, Rick would like to do a dance of seduction for you, a dance so undeniably erotic that once it is witnessed, it can never be unseen:

Two words: dance off.  One reaction:

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The New Salt Poster Is All About FACE. Nightmare FACE, That Is
May 20, 2010

You know, I really have to wonder what’s going on in the marketing department for Salt, because at certain point it stopped seeming like they understood what sort of movie they’re trying to advertise, and if that point wasn’t never, it’s most certainly this new poster from over at FilmoFilia:

I mean, yipes!  I’m not sure if this poster is for an espionage thriller starring Angelina Jolie or a movie with the working title Action Wig: Cat-Eyed Meth Head and the Case of the Purloined Upper-Lip Plumper.  Either way, DO NOT WANT.

Sure, I’m not saying that this is anywhere near as bad as Plastic-Faced She Beasts of the Glittery Gay Moon of Tatooine:

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That’s Not Cool, MGMT. The “Flash Delirium” Video Is Not Cool at All
March 30, 2010

mgmt congratulations album art

I don’t think the problem with the video for the first single off MGMT’s sophomore album, Congratulations, has anything to do with the song itself.  Sure, “Flash Delirium” is by no means an obvious choice for a first single, but it’s also hardly the sort of song that the band should be apologizing for.  Hell, I happen to enjoy how that it trades the first single–let alone a traditional pop song–vibe for a that of four-minute psychadelic/rock mini-symphony.  It’s got an electric feel indeed (woof*).

No no, I’m pretty sure the problem with “Flash Delirium” has everything to do with the fact that it starts out as a relatively innocent music video before boarding the bullet-train to Nightmaretown.  Seriously, it begins with a Royal Tenenbaums-esque assortment of rich eccentrics (scariness proportional to how you feel about bourgeois eccentricities) and cake (scariness proportional to how you feel about carbs), brings in the ventriloquist dummies (scariness proportional to how you feel about dolls), and then it just gets into the sort of Cronenbergian freakishness that’s best left as a surprise, but SPOILER ALERT: you will probably shit you pants in horror.  “Flash Delirium” after the jump, y’all:

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At Least the Robot Apocalypse Will Still Have Bad Community Theater
March 5, 2010

And now, from its creators, a few words on the RoboThespian:

As an actor, it is a mirror. The most difficult question you may have to answer yourself is: ‘what am I for?’ RoboThespian™ demonstrates that utility is not a prerequisite for existence, a concept familiar to the artist but alien to the engineer. ‘Necessity is the mother of invention’, a received wisdom, but necessity is not the mother of this invention, I doubt they are even related at all.

This is very true, inventors of a thing that most definitely should not exist.  I’m pretty sure a particularly embittering failed bid at Broadway stardom (aka, too many double shifts at the Times Square Red Lobster without a single call back for that chorus line spot in Carnival Cruise’s production of Seussical) and an unintentional death wish for the human race are the mother of your invention.  For realsies, nothing else explains the waking nightmare that is witnessing this…this thing in action:

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Things That Should Not Exist: The TrueCompanion Sex Robot
January 11, 2010

In life, it’s one sexually icky and utterly terrifying portent of the robot apocalypse to dress a robot up in a schoolgirl outfit and program her with some rudimentary dance moves; however, it’s a whole new bag of nightmares when you’ve created an anatomically correct ladybot with five separate sexy personalities for “companionship”:

On one hand, the only thing worse than the robot apocalypse happening is the knowledge that the robot apocalypse will demand mustache rides as part of human enslavement.

On the other hand, silver linings, y’all:

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Snaps to You, the Bravery! Your Music Video Is Totally the Craziest
December 7, 2009

I suppose it’s only natural that, when the song for which you’re making a music video is called “Hatefuck,” one should anticipate a certain level of craziness to follow.  After all, would the music video for such a song really be meeting its artistic potential if it focused on two precious ducklings in a teacup?

Of course not.  While  your music video would be indisputably adorable, you wouldn’t be capturing the darkness and erotic anxieties that a song like “Hatefuck” seeks to convey

If, however, your video looks like an Eraserhead-era Lynchian sexual nightmare in which a woman in a gas mask ties up a guy in a Mexican wrestling mask and then stabs the dude in the crotch, then your incredibly NSFW (or life.  And most certainly my mother.) and totally batshit crazy video is certainly on to  something.  After all, it’s within reason to say that watching this video is like getting hatefucked in the eyes, which is a compliment.  Because this video’s so freakin’ bonkers, y’all:

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Sweet Shimmying Moses, Japan! Must You So Recklessly Play With the Flames of the Robot Apocalypse?!?
December 1, 2009

There is no reason for anyone to like robots.  For one thing, they could very well be the harbingers of the apocalypse.  Also, they’re just creepy.  Even Asimo, that robot by Honda:

He is NOT to be trusted.  First he will replace the world’s interns and personal assistants by winning your trust when he brings you your half-caff soy latte just the way you like it, then he will be use his built-in milk-steamer/laser-canon to exterminate you and your coworkers during the robot uprising.  Duh.

That said, Asimo has nothing on this monstrosity from the Sixth Annual ROBO-ONE GATE IN INTERNATIONAL ROBOT EXHIBITION 2009 Dance Competition.  She’s basically the dead-eyed posterbot of my waking nightmares:

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All Signs Point to Case 39 Being Totally Amazing
November 30, 2009

Obviously the first sign is the simple fact that Case 39 is a horror movie starring Renée Zellwegger, which allows her to join Hilary Swank and Halle Berry in the pantheon of Oscar-winning actresses to be inexplicably cast in a horror movie.  The fact that she’s at long last making her The Reaping (or Gothika, whichever perplexing career decision you’d prefer) should be more than plenty to have you buzzing with anticipatory glee.  But wait, there’s more!

For example, there’s also the trailer:

Oh trailer, you had me at Bradley Cooper shirtless and vomiting flies.  Given that this combines things that I like (Bradley Cooper and Bradley Cooper’s abs) and things that will haunt me for the rest of my life (the whole vomiting flies business), so congratulations are in order for giving such precise vision to my future sexual nightmares.

Sign three?  The little girl in this movie was also in Silent Hill, where she memorably danced in a rain of blood after a barbed wire tentacle shot up the Borg queen’s hooha and ripped her in two.  This actually has nothing to do with Case 39.  I just like taking any available opportunity to mention how batshit crazy Silent Hill is.  Seriously, it’s the craziest, but I digress.

Also, there’s Case 39‘s tagline, which is as clever as it is menacing:

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It’s Official: Adam Lambert and Lady Gaga MUST Join Forces
November 23, 2009

I didn’t watch the American Music Awards last night because I’ve better things to do with my time, which may or may not mean whipping up an epic amount of cheese grits and an entire box of Brown ‘N Serve sausage:

That’s for me to know and you to endlessly ponder.

Anyways, apparently I’m going to have to make more of an effort to tune in to these third-tier music awards programs because the clips I’ve seen from last night’s American Music Awards are all sorts of ridamndonkulousness.  In some instances, such as Lady Gaga’s performance, I don’t really find this particularly shocking:

While I’m always delighted to see what Lady Gaga will do next, I’ve long ago accepted that it will indubitably be completely batshit insane.  As a result, I can’t say fashioning light-up tubing into something resembling the exoskeleton of the creature from Alien is her most mind-blowing achievement.  Personal preference dictates I stick with either The World’s Gayest Homage to The Warriors or this little head exploder, but I’ve gotta give her points for outfitting a violin player in pig play gear.  I really don’t know what to do with that, so snaps for the nightmare fodder.  Lady Gaga is clearly dedicated to this whole Monster thing, but not nearly as dedicated as Adam Lambert is to becoming my favorite person on Earth:

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You Haven’t Really Nightmared Until You’ve Nightmared the Nobel Funk Off
November 19, 2009

I’m not telling you a damn thing about this video other than it’s branded its nightmarish imagery of melted-faced hell spawn deep in my brain, and I’m not about to suffer this one alone:

GAAAAAAH!

I don’t know what this video is for, but I can definitely tell you I don’t want it, and I will do absolutely everything in my power to make sure I don’t get it.  Music lessons?  Whoops, I just cut off all my fingers!  Funk bands?  I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the scalding pokers in my ears!  World Peace?  It’s like Miranda July said:

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