True story, y’all: in my youth, I spent about as much time in my parents’ bedroom watching the classic Star Wars trilogy as I did prancing about pretending I was the star ballet dancer (affectionately nicknamed “Spotlight Spotlight Dancer”) in a production of Tchaichovsky’s The Nutcracker. Both activities were encouraged by my parents, which–looking back–explains so very, very much about the man I am today. That, and the one time I washed my neighborfriend’s Barbie’s hair in the bathroom sink.
ANYWAYS, as a result of of my upbringing, there aren’t many things in life that I miss quite like Carrie’s puns (it’s a homo thing), but those halycon hours I as a wee gay in spent in a galaxy far, far away most certainly are one of them (it’s a nerd thing), so it’s without reservation that I bid you all good tidings on today’s most joyous of fake holidays:
It goes without saying that this pun is like Darth Vader force choking your ear drums, so yeouch! But it’s also a nice little way to take a moment out of your day and appreciate how Star Wars might have made your life a little better. Or, if you’re feeling like a regular ol’ Scrooge, so much worse. For your eyes. And your soul. You know exactly what I’m talking about:
Sure, I could usually go and make this “How the Bitch Stole Attack-of-the-Clones-mas” myself, but I’m feeling lazy, so instead I’ll let the brilliant mind behind Red Letter Media make the case for me. He’s gone and made a video that points out everything that’s wrong with Attack of the Clones (which guarantes it’s LOOOONG), but it’s also a sequel to his 70-minute review of The Phantom Menace (which guarantees it’s hilarious). Fair readers and fellow nerds alike, trust me when I tell you this is a thing that you need in your life:
And now that you’ve opened that floodgate of awesome, you can catch the rest over here on YouTube.
Sure, I guess it’s a little bit bah-humbug to watch someone make an irrefutable case for Attack of the Clones being the soulless, bottom-line driven afterbirth that crawled forth from The Phantom Menace‘s bad-idea baby cavern, but then you remember you wouldn’t have this gem of a review without it, and that almost justifies Episode II‘s existence.
In other words, this is the greatest Star Wars Day miracle of all.