Good Luck With That One…
April 4, 2012

Sure, we’ve all at some point wanted to read an article about ladies who spell “I Heart Ryan Gosling” with a silent “vagina,” but I don’t know if this intrepid reporter’s going to get anywhere using a Craigslist post. Ryan Gosling is the internet’s #1 crush, and besides, everybody knows Craigslist is for rim jobs, Inception style.

Much love to Craigslist by way of Videogum for this one.

Let’s Go BRODYQUESTin’
June 3, 2010

Adrien Brody co-starring with Sarah Polley in Splice:

Adrien Brody starring in and being special enough to get his own poster for Predators:

predators poster royce adrien brody

Adrien Brody going on his BRODYQUEST:

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TGIF! Now Let’s All Go Make Plans to See The Back-Up Plan
April 23, 2010

Movieline asks if this image of Jennifer Lopez recreating nearly every day of my life stuffing…something…into her mouth is the new greatest movie publicity still ever:

What an absurd question, Movieline.  That answer is self-evident, as self-evident as the accompanying video clip is most obviously fantasy porn for neurotic single women of a certain age, frustrated housewives, and me:

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At Last! Lost News That Won’t Make You Immediately Pluck Out Your Eyes in Regret for Reading It
February 4, 2010

One of the things that’s the worst about being a fan of Lost (aside from rendering you absolutely insufferable to all your non-fan friends and family for months at a time) is how you have to remain so guarded against any potential surprises.  One minute you’re perusing your favorite Lost comment board in hopes of corroborating your theory about how Hurley’s burp in that one scene could be an allusion to 15th-century Franciscan scripture, and the next moment your eyes are gushing blood because someone posted an unmarked spoiler.  Like I said, the worst.

Anyways, fortunately this is not one of this instances.  Well, unless your definition of a spoiler is whose abs you’ll be seeing this season, in which case ABS ALERT, ‘cos it’s Lost‘s sexiest Other, Richard Alpert:

Yes, Richard Alpert (played by Nestor Carbonell)–the mysterious Other who has mysteriously resisted aging over the past three seasons and numerous decades of Lost‘s narrative–might soon abandon his shirt like his name is Jack Sawyer. This is obviously a good thing, and you can thank Star Trek 2 casting rumors and the inquisitive minds at Movieline for this glorious news:

I think the question, Nestor, is whether you have the pecs to play Khan.
[Laughs] Listen, all modesty aside, I’m pretty shredded right now. Richard may not get to flex his muscles, but he’s not averse to taking off his shirt. Should it happen, the fans will know.

Wait, spoiler alert! We’re getting a shirtless Richard scene soon?
I can neither confirm nor deny. [Laughs]

“I can neither confirm nor deny” might as well be Lost speak for “DUH” at this point, so JACKPOT!

Of course, I could explain why this is a good thing, or I could simply offer the jury indisputable evidence, so I’ll choose the latter.

Your honor, exhibit A:

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When It Comes to New Moon, I’m Decidedly Team This Guy
November 20, 2009

Well, New Moon is out today, and a great schism has erupted all over the interwebs:

This is an important discussion to have because you’re choosing between a wang that’s pale and ice cold and a wang that’s underage and could spontaneously sprout hair.  Hrmmm, DECISIONS.

Anyways, I’ve personally arrived at the conclusion that I’m neither Team Edward nor Team Jacob.  It’s not that I’m deliberately trying to be a finicky bitch by not answering the most important question of the new millenium, it’s just that someone else has taken my Twibreath away:

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Leap Year Knows the Secret to My Heart/Fake Ovaries
November 16, 2009

Oh, dammit!  Amy Adams’s undeniably perky charm and Matthew Goode’s dreamboatalicious combination of scruff and blue eyes, WHY MUST YOU EXPLOIT ME SO?!?

Leap Year movie poster

Even in poster format, me and my inner teenage girl don’t stand a chance to your magnetic appeal. Even in poster form, I can see Leap Year for exactly the sort of rote, cliched romantic comedy filled with the same easy jokes and formulaic twists years and years and years of movies just like you have supplied eager audiences like me.  You may be entirely lacking the holy screwball trinity of Katherine Hepburn, Cary Grant, and a leopard named Baby; but I’m pretty certain that you and me and a pint of HäagenDazs vanilla swiss almond would make a perfectly suitable trifecta on a Saturday night.

And your trailer, Leap Year?  I’ve got freakin’ second sight with this:

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Just A Few Reasons to Have the Most Vapors Over A Single Man
October 16, 2009

I’m not quite sure why I never got around to dropping this trailer hotness until now.  The trailer itself has been floating about the internet for about a month, and the film’s been getting some early Oscar buzz since its premiere at the Toronto Film Festival.  Also, this trailer’s pretty much all of my favorite things ever ever.  Anyways, here’s the trailer for A Single Man:

I may know next to nada about Tom Ford’s career in the fashion world, but I do know that man gives me the vapors in a serious way:

tom ford serious vapors

As such, I’m pretty certain that him adapting a Christopher Isherwood isn’t going to help 2009’s cause célèbre, Stop the Vapors.  He’s amassed Julianne Moore and Colin Firth and Matthew Goode and fabulous production design from the people behind Mad Men for a story about loss and other homo things in the ’60s, which is like vapors on top of vapors.  It’s just too much, y’all.

But wait!  There’s more (cause for vapors):

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Crushing On Colin Farrell Is the New Riding A Bicycle
August 11, 2009

Back during my freshman year of college, if you asked me how I felt about about Colin Farrell, you’d probably not get a coherent response so much as a stream of school-girlish noises that vaguely resembled squeals of enthusiasm filtered through a ridiculousness purifier:

Colin Farrell !!!

I bought Tigerland on DVD because there’s an out-of-focus shot of his business in it.  I nearly took out my roommate’s girlfriend as I darted to get in front of the television when he introduced U2 during the 2003 Academy Awards.  I sat through Daredevil.  And S.W.A.T.  In short, I was an utter embarrassment.

However, like all crushes, my interests waned.  I largely attribute this to both my fickle tastes and seeing Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.  Oh, follies of youth!

ANYWAYS, I was certain I was done with that business.  CERTAIN.  He won his Golden Globe this spring and, while I was happy to see him make a comeback, I wasn’t reduced to banshee-like shrieking.   Then I saw this video, though, and the shrieking recommenced:

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Harry Potter and the Half-Clothed Piece of Deliciousness
July 16, 2009

It’s been ages and ages since I read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and I’m hardly the sort of obsessive Potterophile that remembers each and every character name like I’m in charge of student enrollment at Hogwarts, so it is perhaps a given that I don’t remember who Cormac McLaggen was or what he did to have any sort of relevance in the narrative.  I forget plenty of trivial details, be it in the Harry Potter universe or the real one, and I’m pretty terrible with names as is, but there’s one thing that I do no forget, and that’s deliciousness.  Freddie Stroma, the actor who plays Cormac McLaggen in HPatHBP, is such deliciousness:

freddie stroma shirtless

I’d put something pithy in pink on this picture, but I can’t help but feel like I’d be defacing a work of art.  That, and it’s really hard to think of pithy things when it’s vapors-o-clock on the dreamboat express.  I don’t care that I already had every intention of seeing Half-Blood Prince, and I certainly don’t care that Freddie Stroma will indubitably be more clothed throughout the entirety of his role as Cormac McLaggen.  His impeccably chiseled features have me all sorts of more excited about one of the few summer movies I was already super excited about, and I’m pretty certain my eyeballs will explode when I see him on the Imax.  No more eyeballs is just the price one must pay to witness such beauty, and I’m totally fine with that.  

And speaking of no more eyeballs, just look at this video of him back in his underwear modeling days of last year and try to keep those bad boys in their sockets:

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A Guide to the Red-Band Jennifer’s Body Trailer For People That Don’t Care About Megan Fox’s Boobs
July 7, 2009

Have you seen the red-band trailer for Jennifer’s Body, which sells us Diablo Cody’s teen horror film by emphasizing the cursing and Megan Fox’s boobs?  Oh, and Megan Fox being teasingly “bisexual”?  Maybe it’s me, I can’t help but think Showgirls did the boobs and bisexuality so much better and with so much less Megan Fox.  Fortunately, I think the rest of us (and by rest of us, I mean people lacking an interest in Megan Fox and/or her boobs) still have plenty to be excited about.

For starters, there’s Amanda Seyfried:

amanda seyfried mean girls best

And she’s been the best since her scene-stealing turn in Mean Girls, and it’s simply a matter of time before she finally blows up.  She infinitely appealing and incredibly versatile (I believe her dumb blond every bit as much as her high school outcast), and this could be the breakthrough she deserves.  After all, Jamie Lee Curtis–the original Final Girl–made it big with Halloween.  For those of us who appreciate women or character and substance, she’s the Jennifer’s Body (Final) girl to watch.

And what about a generation’s nostalgia for a certain West-Coast based teen soap?  Jennifer’s Body has got the goods IN SPADES:

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The Box Trailer Gives Me All Sorts of Vapors
June 25, 2009

And not just because it looks great.  Don’t get me wrong, The Box does look badass.  Really:

Having grown up in the South, I’ve gotta admit that those Southern accents are kinda terrible, but otherwise there’s so much to love!  Like Cameron Diaz’s hair (so feathered, so fabulous!), and James Marsden (make him a star, Hollywood!), and Frank Langella super creepy busted face (so obscured, but still so scary!).  And then there’re all that unsettling surreal imagery and the fact that this trailer is thankfully edited to maximize the head-trippy weirdness and minimize your understanding of the overall narrative arc and, damnit, why must it not be out ’til October?  I’ve only so much patience to give!

Of course, I must admit that I may be totally biased.  I genuinely enjoyed Donnie Darko as the cult classic that it is, and Southland Tales was such a gloriously batshit insane fever dream of pop culture and political frustration that it was easily one of my favorite films of 2007.  That movie’s fairly been considered a cinematic train wreck, but it’s one of the wonderfully compelling train wrecks I’ve ever seen.  And besides, as we’re all well aware, I love me some train wrecks.  The fact that The Box seems more narratively focused just gets me all sorts of giddy.  But like I said, I just might be biased towards liking anything Richard Kelly does.  Why?  Here’s why:

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The Second Coming (of Mad Men on DVD) is Upon Us
June 15, 2009

Oh man, July 14th ain’t just Bastille Day this year.  Didn’t you get the memo?  French-historical-holiday hotness is so every other year, y’all.  Perfectly nuanced, 60s-set television drama is this year’s hotness:

mad men season 2 dvd

Is is just me, or this box art all sorts of delicious?  Wait, stupid question.  It’s most certainly not.

But seriously, if you haven’t been watching season 2 of Mad Men, then you’re in good company.  I haven’t either!  That doesn’t mean we can’t fix our bad life choices before season 3 premieres on August 16th.  

After all, Mad Men‘s probably the single best show airing on TV right now.  The 60s-inspired costumes and sets are nothing short orgasmic (if that’s your sort of thing, and it’s most definitely my thing).  The plot lines play out like fabulous Sirkian melodramas, but they’re allowed the emotional slow burn of telling their tales over the course of 13 episodes as opposed to a few short hours.  And the fact that creator Matthew Weiner had the brilliantly ballsy move to set each season two years apart makes the show infinitely more compelling as it tracks the ever changing social landscape of 1960s America.  

And of course, there’s also that glorious cast.  Like Christina Hendricks, who plays the second greatest Joan of all time:

Joan Holloway Mad Men

How I worship her curves and couture and the steely-bitch facade she carries in the office.  If I worked for Sterling Cooper, you’d better believe she’d be my beard wife in a hot second.

And equally fierce are January Jones (as Betty Draper) and Elisabeth Moss (as Peggy Olsen):

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Fact of the Day: Zachary Quinto Makes Everything Sexier
June 12, 2009

It’s common knowledge that Zachary Quinto’s one seriously delicious piece of man:

zachary quinto swoon

It’s also common knowledge that, no matter what he does, he sets the world’s loins afire.  Can you blame Uhura for wanting to get it on with his Spock in Star Trek?  Nope.  Even eating superhero brains in Heroes can’t act as a deterrent to his dangerously high levels of sexy.  I feel like he could play Nazi that kicks puppies and hates babies, but I’d still gladly play hausfrau so long as he please not talk about work at the dinner table; he knows how it ruins my appetite for spätzle.

Needless to say, Mr. Quinto continues his tyrannical reign of sexy with this inexplicable 56-second video.  It doesn’t make damn drop of sense and probably constitutes a total waste of milk, which is obviously ridiculous to waste because WE’RE IN A RECESSION, but that doesn’t stop me from getting a fierce case of the vapors:  

OH, THE VAPORS!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to watch this on loop for the next hour.

Cheers to Best Week Ever for finding this sexy thing, whatever precisely it may be.

Gerard Butler Will Do Anything for a Klondike Bar
June 1, 2009

I don’t know about you, but I always think of the first phrase “hot piece” when Gerard Butler comes up.  Yes?

gerard_butler

I tend to prefer my men’s facial hair to be a little more trimmed, but I most certainly wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers.  Something about him just screams “roguish devil,” and those eyes are simply incredible.  Anyways, because he’s payed his dues [aka, screaming all his lines in 300 (a terrible, terrible movie that I unfortunately saw) and posthumously sending Hilary Swank on a ridiculous scavenger hunt in P.S. I Love You (a terrible, terrible looking movie that I fortunately avoided like the plague)], 2009 is going to be his breakout year.  Why?  He’s the lead in not just one, but two movies!  He’s got The Ugly Truth, a rom-com designed to appeal to the ladies:

Yeesh.  Are Hollywood’s notion of ladies in actuality brain-dead, zombies with a penchant for masochism?  

I know that most people think of Katherine Heigl as that actress from Grey’s Anatomy who wears the same pair of bitch pants every day when she goes to work, but I really like her.  She was charming in Knocked Up, and she’s the best part about the second season of Grey’s Anatomy (other than Sandra Oh and Sandra Oh’s fabulous hair).  She even made me think about seeing 27 Dresses, so she obviously has a hold on me.  Still, this movie looks terrible!  And not in a fun way!  

Who thinks these bullshit gender wars movies are insightful entertainment?  I get it, Hollywood: women are all about communication and emotions, and men are all about boobies and sex.  Neat.  I could go on and on about how this movie isn’t worth seeing because it relies on lazy observations about the sexes for cheap laughs and how we already know that Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler will get together in the end.  Really, though, I think the trailer says all that for me, so let’s spare me the carpal tunnel and move right along.

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Nothing Can Save The Midnight Meat Train From Being an Unmitigated Disaster
May 19, 2009

If by “terrifying,” you mean “terrifyingly lame,” then absolutely, Midnight Meat Train movie poster:

midnight meat train wreck

It’s true that I’ve only myself to blame for sitting through this mess.  Shouldn’t I have known that, with a title like The Midnight Meat Train, it was going to be terrible?  Yes, I totally should’ve.  But, in my defense, there was quite a bit going for it.  For example, it’s based on a short story by Clive Barker, the man responsible for Hellraiser and Candyman, which are easily two of my favorite horror movies ever made.  Then there’s the trailer, and like all good trailers, it makes the movie look far better than it actually is:

This trailers says, “I’m stylishly directed, and although I’m just a trashy splatter flick, at least I’m trashing it up with style to spare.  Also, I’ve got Brooke Shields being a steel-faced bitch!”  While all of these things are essentially true, none of it adds up to being even remotely approaching good.  The performances range from whatever (Bradley Cooper’s obsessed photographed is a self-absorbed vegetarian douchebag that everybody inexplicably wants to help out despite his lack of any discernible talent; I guess these things happen when you’re really, really good looking) to failed camp (Brooke Shields tries to play vampy bitch and just comes off as awkward and stiff) to utterly abominable (Leslie Bibb, in the supportive girlfriend role, is egregiously annoying and a reminder as to why I’ll never bother to dabble in bisexuality).  Even Vinnie Jones, whose stern face and hulking size at least lend him some sort of presence, is left to do nothing but look threatening when he’s not killing people.  Then again, The Midnight Meat Train isn’t worried so much about characterization or performance as it is with staging the most over-the-top (and certainly inappropriate for the faint of heart and my mother) death scenes I’ve seen in some time:

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There’s a Million Reasons Why Glee is Your New Favorite Show. Here are Just a Few
May 1, 2009

First and foremost, there’s the extended trailer.  Without a question, this show is going to be brilliant:

LOLOLOL!  This is the best, right?  RIGHT.

Still, if you find yourself needing talking points to explain to your friends why you’ll be busy on May 19th, as well as why they should also be canceling plans and staying in for the Glee preview special, then allow me to give you a few suggestions:

  • Glee is a genuinely clever spin on the archetypal high-school-set underdog narrative.  This is essentially like Bring It On (a movie that nobody, or at least nobody I’d ever care to know, doesn’t love) stretched into a serial television show and made infinitely more camp by being set in the musical-number-laden world of glee clubs.  You certainly don’t have to be a ‘mo to love this show, but it probably helps to have one in the family.  Or, at the least, your place of work.
  • Jane Lynch is in it.  This woman is an undeniable force of pure hilarity, and if she’s reason enough to see Post Grad, she certainly is reason enough to watch Glee.
  • Any mention of gold stars immediately triggers thoughts of Notes on a Scandal, which is a completely unrelated movie that is totally incredible and you really should see if you haven’t already.  Hell, just watching the trailer makes me certain that May 19th is going to be a gold star day.
  • Matthew Morrison, the guy who plays the teacher in charge of the glee club, is the Altoid of good looks.  He’s curiously handsome.
  • Ryan Murphy’s the creator.  He gave us the short-lived-but-totally-amazing show Popular and Nip/Tuck, a show that’s now completely derailed into batshit insanity but was genuinely great for the first two seasons.  Any television series that casts Famke “Fierce Bitch” Janssen as a tranny can’t be bad.
  • One word: Journey.

So there you have it.  Now neither you nor any of your friends have any excuses to not to watch Glee.  Seriously, y’all, it’s going to be the greatest.  Show.  EVER!

Much love to Parker for the tip!

Damn You, Post Grad Trailer! Must You Exploit My Weaknesses So?
April 28, 2009

I fully recognize that, over the past few weeks, I’ve taken a rather aggressive dive into what some people may call “insanity,” but I prefer to call it “camp appreciation.”  Whatever.  The point being, while I may get rather excitable when talking about Obsessed and super duper excitable when even alluding to Powder Blue, I can still tell a bad movie when I see one.  Ladies and gents, Post Grad is one such movie:

It’s a Hollywood take the quarter-life crisis!  Lots of laughs (ruh-roh, you’ve been spotted making out by your whole family, and your little brother’s fascinated by the fact that you’ve got boobs; incest: it’s always a riot!), tons of drama (he’s moving to NYC for law school?  mais non!), and many an important life lesson (“What you do with your life is just one half of the equation.  More important is, who you’re with when you’re doing it.”  PROFOUND!) are all packed into Post Grad!  Yikes.

This movie frankly looks about as exciting as a stale rice cake and as original as a stack of photocopies printed on recycled paper; furthermore, it doesn’t help this movie’s cause that it’s staring Alexis Bledel, the actress who has done absolutely nothing for me ever since Gilmore Girls.  The plot looks predictable, and it’ll indubitably end up with Alexis Bledel finding a job in New York City and living with the rather dreamy boyfriend because that’s how living in New York City is.  All of us find jobs in a snap and have dreamy boyfriends.  There, I’ve saved you $12 dollars and made you enviable of the NYC lifestyle all at the same time.  You’re welcome.

All that being said, I still plan on seeing this movie.  Why?  It’s really quite simple:

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Dead Man’s Bones is Reason 762 to Love Ryan Gosling
April 9, 2009

You really don’t need that many reasons to love Ryan Gosling.  The fact that he’s Ryan Gosling is totally enough.  Still, knowing that he’s in a band only adds to the lovability factor, and it also doesn’t hurt that this of his song is really damn good:

It’d be easy to say that this is just my own personal Ryan Gosling love making me biased, but nothing makes me put on my “blech!” face like Half Nelson, so that can’t be it.  I think it’s the fact there’s something wonderfully akin to the Arcade Fire going on with this song, but infused with a thoroughly old-timey church revival vibe.  Added to that, any music video that’s going to look like a silent film directed by Carl Th. Dreyer (they even got the aspect ratio right!) is like favorite-icing atop dream-boyfriend-cake.  And don’t get me started about how I feel about men in vests.  Suffice it to say, it’s a whole ‘nother layer of icing, and it’s possibly the most delicious icing ever created by man.

So, yeah, Dead Man’s Bones, y’all.  They’re your new favorite band.  I hope you can deal with it.  

Thanks to Entertainment Weekly for reporting on Dead Man’s Bones.

We Can All Agree: Gabe Delahaye is a Dreamboat Among Men
March 28, 2009

In my utter commitment to blabbering on about absolutely nothing of any relevance, I bring you the latest installment of Gabe and Max’s Guide to Man Style, which I stumbled upon over at Videogum:

Admittedly, this isn’t the funniest of their clips, but it’s still fabulous and with just enough homoeroticism to send me into a fit of vapors.  No, the funniest would have to go to their video on dining and wine, which might be the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen (which might indicate that I don’t get out much):

Given my proclivity for cooking and fondness for dinner parties, I think my next party should indeed be themed “Erotic Nightmare.”  Whatever precisely that is.  I’ll figure it out after I’ve successfully hosted my “Divas of Classic Hollywood” dinner party.

Anywhosie, the real point of this blabberfest is to point out the terribly obvious fact that these two men are comedic geniuses, and also the even more obvious fact that Gabe is the dreamiest thing known to (gay) mankind.  When I say this to people, I get looks of extreme confusion, but it’s really quite obvious:

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Funny People Is the Least Plausible Comedy. Ever.
March 19, 2009

Lots of people like to get all cranky about Judd Apatow’s movies because the formula is pretty standard.  They’re all unrealistic male fantasies in which men always get women way out of their league by emphasizing the importance of personality over looks while simultaneously not adhering to that same standard with its female characters.  Fair enough, but I’ve frankly found the Apatow leads to be an attractive crew.  Seth Rogen’s good looking, and Jason Segal’s flat out attractive.  Throw in their sharp sense of humor, and I’m sold.  Added to that, I can’t call shenanigans on the gender politics of a group of movies that still cares to actually respect its women by making them characters as opposed to caricatures. 

But I must call shenanigans on Funny People:

This movie is so far from being grounded in reality that it’s entered the far reaches of outer space.  In what world would any sane person leave Eric Bana, particularly when it’s Eric Bana that’s also smart enough to be FLUENT IN CHINESE?  That the chief issue in an otherwise perfect is his going to a massage parlor, possibly to be finished with a “happy ending,” and that’s enough to drive you into the arms of ADAM SANDLER???  

Shenanigans, y’all.

I’ll admit that I’m not a huge Adam Sandler fan, whereas I’d gladly watch Eric Bana make sandwiches for two hours.  Preferably shirtless.  So perhaps I’m a bit biased.  But seriously:

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