Try and Say Something Nice: Batman v. Superman Edition
March 27, 2016

batman-v-superman-kiss-kiss-kiss-30-rock

If you can’t say something nice, it’s entirely likely you’re having a conversation about Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. It’s just not good! Still, while I fully intend to bitch and moan about it’s failure as camp, I decided this year that my One Blog Rule would to not be such a bemoaning bitch, so I thought it best to first say a few nice things about Batman v. Superman: Just Make Out Already. If for nothing else, it’s insurance against anybody who insists I’m just a hater who doesn’t get it.

Anyways, here they are:

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Who Rewatches Watchmen? (I Do.)
March 24, 2016

watchmen

In “anticipation” of Zack Snyder’s latest dour ‘n desaturated super hero action orgy, Bats v. Supes: More Titles Plz, I decided to rewatch Watchmen, because I kinda liked it before, I was curious how it’d hold up, and I wasn’t yet in the mood to rewatch Man v. Steel: More Fur Pecs Plz. Some cries for help can wait until the weekend.

As such, here are some scant thoughts I had upon revisiting Zack Snyder’s first foray in superhero cinema:

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It’s Valentine’s Day, So Here’s Oscar Isaac and Carla Gugino Performing “Love Is The Drug”
February 14, 2016

oscar isaac carla gugino sucker punch love is the drug

As if that wasn’t enough to make all your Valentine’s Day dreams come true, if you squint hard enough at this pic you can pretend Carla Gugino’s pegging Oscar Isaac, which I’ve been told is very on trend in 2016.

ANYWAYS, here’s the Internet’s Latest Boyfriend, Oscar Isaac, and forever object of my camp affection, Carla Gugino, covering Roxy Music’s “Love Is The Drug” in a deleted scene from Zack Snyder’s Zack-Snyder-iest movie, Sucker Punch:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Catch-Up Corner: I’m the Most Excited for Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch
August 11, 2010

It’s been over a year since I last threw on my gay claws and tippity-typed up a frothing homo frenzy about Sucker Punch, Zack Snyder’s live action follow-up to Watchmen, and so much has happened since then, y’all.  Carla Gugino helped unleash the candy-colored Kraken of camp that is Women in Trouble, and Zack Snyder made an animated family film about owls:

One of these makes me cackle because it’s fabulous, and the other makes me cackle because my brain cannot comprehend that it’s a thing that actually exists.  You’re welcome to try and figure out which one’s which, but please, don’t strain yourself.

ANYWAYS, more important than any of that stuff tangentially related to my Sucker Punch anticipation is the fact that the teaser phase of marketing has finally kicked-off.  This explains why we’ve now got six character-based teaser posters over at the film’s official website.  There’s one for Emily Browning as Baby Doll:

One for Jamie Chung as Amber:

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Today’s Fabulous Image in Cinema: Carla Gugino in Watchmen
July 30, 2010

When you consider how I feel about Carla Gugino in Watchmen, and then you throw in how I feel about fabulous ladies in fabulous glasses, Today’s Fabulous Image in Cinema of Carla Gugino as the original Silk Spectre, replete with latex jowls and rhinestone-studded granny glasses, is a no-brainer.  Seriously, where’s the boozy old-lady Silk Spectre spin-off we all (and by “we all,” I mean me) have been demanding?  Hollywood, I smell a sequel, and it smells like cheap liquor and Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds!

Oh, and do be sure to click to enlarge and appreciate the faux-geriatic fabulousness of it all.

It’s Probably Way Too Early for Me to Be This Excited About Elektra Luxx; But Also: OOPS!, Too Late!
March 17, 2010

Seeing as Elektra Luxx just premiered at SXSW, and seeing as this most likely means that (like its predecessor, Women in Trouble) Elektra Luxx won’t be released into theaters ’til late fall, I know I shouldn’t be getting worked up about seeing this movie quite so soon, PARTICULARLY when I still haven’t seen Women in Trouble to confirm if it is in fact the candy-colored campstravaganza I so hope it to be.  Seriously, this could be a recipe for most disappointing thing since that one time when the nerds saw Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace or that other time when I saw the trailer for Marc Vorlander’s Showgirls: The Return, but something tells me that’s doubtful, and that something is poster:

electra luxx posterErmm, I’m sorry, but in such instances of hot pink, European-movie-poster chic fabulousness, I’ve every reason to freak my freak out.  This poster has already won the Silver in the 2010 HomOlympics (Gold and Lifetime Achievements went to Johnny Weir because le duh), so let’s not even talk about the plot summary.  Wait, scratch that and channel some Jessica-Alba-in-Fantastic-Four annunciation: LET’S:

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TGIF! Now Here’s Carla Gugino Discussing the Nuances of Marketable Adult Novelties
November 13, 2009

When you think about it, is there any better way to kick start your weekend than a NSFW conversation about about fake vaginas from the just-released-and-sure-to-be-camptasticaliciously-delightful Women in Trouble that stars Carla Gugino and other women who are also in trouble?

No, I think not.

Is Women in Trouble the Cornucopia of Camp Pleasures We’ve Been Waiting For?
October 15, 2009

Now don’t get me wrong, Powder Blue is a howlingly bad movie experience.  It isn’t so much a movie as a string of individual cinematic train wrecks that have been confused for scenes, and it’s definitely in the lead as the most campalicious movie of 2009.  Well, was.

Dear readers, I give you the new Great Camp Hope of 2009: 

women in trouble poster

First off, I don’t need to get started about the tag line.  It pretty much speaks for its ridiculous self.  But there’s the pink font that looks like it’s straight-up out of a bad 70s European art house sex farce, and let’s not forget how I feel about Carla Gugino.  I don’t recognize anyone else mentioned in this poster save for Simon Baker, but who cares?  This poster is basically about pretty girls and boobs, which I’m pretty sure was the high concept for Showgirls, so consider my appetite whetted.  

But there’s also the trailer, and…well…it can only be described as some bizarre amalgamation of Showgirls and Magnolia and Almodovar and every women’s dramedy from the past two decades:

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Set Your Anticipation to Campalicious: Carla Gugino’s Joined Zack Snyder’s SuckerPunch
August 4, 2009

Watchmen, the 168-minutes of moving images that was less a coherent film narrative so much as a cinematic summary of the events of Alan Moore’s acclaimed graphic novel, was one of the few movies that has effectively stayed with me since I saw it in theaters.  That’s less an endorsement of excellence so much as an admission that I find the movie to be an unsolvable puzzle.  I’ve rewatched it nearly half-a-dozen times since it came out on DVD, and though it is terribly faithful as an adaptation, I still feel like it never quite comes together in the way it should.

That said, Carla Gugino stole the show with her boozy Sally Jupiter.  It was camp, to be sure, but not the sort of camp rooted in being terrible.  No no, it’s the sort of camp that comes from being ferociously unrestrained.  Think Sister Ruth from Black Narcissus, but less Technicolor red lipstick and a much higher BAC.  Seriously, Ms. Gugino, should you ever find this blog on account of a Google alert, please know:

carla gugino fabulous

ANYWAYS, my major frustration with Watchmen was the lack of giving her little else to do in that movie beyond getting almost raped.  Blech.  Thankfully, though, I was looking over the headlines at ComingSoon.net this morning and read that she’ll be joining the cast of Zack Snyder’s upcoming SuckerPunch.  But what exactly is SuckerPunch about?  Well, here’s ComingSoon.net article’s plot summary:

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Looks Like David Hayter Will Not Be Invited to Take Back the Night
March 11, 2009

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As Videogum noted, one of Watchmen‘s scribes, David Hayter, has posted an open letter on the internet imploring fans to see the movie again this weekend to keep box office up and therefore make studio heads feel confident in green lighting future Watchmen-esque projects.  Much of Hayter’s argument requires him to indulge in a little self-congratulatory ego masturbation, because that’s how you make a convincing argument.  For example:

I’ve seen it twice now, and despite having run the movie in my head thousands of times, my two viewings still don’t’ allow me to view the film with the proper distance or objectivity. Is it Apocalypse Now? Is it Blade Runner? Is it Kubrick, or Starship Troopers? I don’t know yet.

I’m gonna go for d) none of the above.  And also, Mr. Hayter: Kubrick is a filmmaker, so he probably shouldn’t be in a list that consists of movie titles.  But maybe that’s a stylistic choice irksome only to me, so I won’t dwell.

I certainly agree with his sentiment that, particularly when it comes to the film industry, you cast a vote every time you purchase a ticket.  It’s rather tacky that he has to be the one to make this plea for audiences to see Watchmen again; the movie’s as much his (ridicu)baby as it is Snyder’s, so Hayter’s essentially one of those parents with those awful bumper stickers on their vans about how their child’s on honor roll or Mensa.  Except whenever he has you come over and babysit, he makes you pay him.  He’s wrapped the ugliest sales-pitch sweater in a box with lovely pity-party ribbons and glossy sophisticated-taste paper as if that makes what he’s giving you any better.  Thanks, but no thanks.

But when Hayter gets to his climax, in which he uses a particular scene from Watchmen to articulate how the movie’s supposed to be dark and challenging yet ultimately rewarding as entertainment, he completely shits his (crazy) pants:

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Having Now Seen Watchmen I Can Attest That I’ve No Idea What I’ve Seen
March 10, 2009

Well, Watchmen came out this weekend, and so we can now safely say that Billy Crudup’s CGI-enhanced blue full monty and Malin Akerman’s inimitable understanding of “acting” (apparently a mixture of reciting lines like English is your second language and posing like a crime-fighting tranny robot) have safely entered the pop-culture vernacular.  I’m not entirely certain either, particularly the latter, opens any useful conversations in our cultural discourse, but at least we’ve expanded our vocabulary, y’all!  And to paraphrase the great beacon of 20th century philosophical genius, Nomi Malone, Watchmen doesn’t suck, so I’ll freely admit it:

watchmen-review

Let’s clarify, though, in that I said “not too bad.”  I neglected to use words like “exceptional” or “awesome” or even (most disappointingly to me) “campalicious.”  I’ve also neglected to utilize phrases like “tonally consistent” or “narratively coherent in any way that resembles a movie” because Watchmen is completely lacking in any of those qualities.  Hell, Watchmen doesn’t even qualify as a movie so much as an explosion of adolescent id and existential angst moving on screen at 24-frames-per-second.

Yes, there are scenes, and when taken in the order presented in the film, these scenes seem to resemble a plot.  The problem, though, is that each scene is so hyperbolically extreme in style and, when compared to scenes before and afterward, contradictory in terms of emotion and feel, that the resulting product feels schizophrenic and unhinged.  Snyder dials the violence up to 11 (arms are graphically sawn off with hacksaws and punches are capable of causing compound fractures) and the sex up to ridiculous (the howlingly bad sex scene between Ackerman and Patrick Wilson is Cinemax-grade soft-core porn with a Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” providing the soundtrack and a firing of the flame-thrower on Night Owl’s jet to signal their climax; all parties involved should be thoroughly shamed for that one), yet there are also unexpected moments of beauty in this behemoth.    

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Let’s Let Train Wreck Carla Gugino Ease Us Into The Work Week
March 8, 2009

While I’d love to be an intrepidly productive fellow and drop a full Watchmen review right now, another week of work is quickly encroaching upon us, which mean this lil’ lady needs some rest.  Also, there really is simply so much to say about that movie.  It’s quite possibly even more ridiculous than I’d imagined.  In the mean time, though, I’ll let the saucy, sauced words of Carla Gugino take  us into the next week.  Take it away, Ms. Crazy Pants:

Delicious.

Seriously, that is one fierce bitch, and her terrible old-lady make-up and ridicu-hairdo can only be fully appreciated on the big screen.  I’m also not sure that anybody told her, but Watchmen is a comic book movie, not Dynasty: The Movie.

Don’t  think I’m complaining, though.  If Hollywood expanded that one scene into the basis for a sitcom, I’d be their number one fan.  So get to it, Hollywood!  I demand more boozy Carla Gugino in fright-lady make-up.  MORE!!!

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