Important Moments in Lost FAILs: Lost Fails to Deliver Sufficient Levels of Dick Alpert Hotness, Abs
March 24, 2010

As a self-admitted Lost fan facing the rapidly approaching series finale, I try to remind myself that despite all the years of obsessive speculation and moments of howler-monkeying at the television in shock/frustration/amazement, Lost is only a show, and so it is only natural for it to occasionally slip up.  After all, how else do the explain the utterly delicious third season mistake that was Paulo?

Or his partner in crime, Nikki?

Her catchphrase?  Also delicious.  The rest?  Not so much.  Small wonder her character was buried alive, though it’s such a shame Rodrigo Santoro had to go with her.  Double whoops on the sexy front, Lost writers!

Anywhoozle, I fully accept that no show–including Lost–will ever be perfect, and I can make peace with the occasional Lost misstep much like I eventually made peace with the public school storyarc in the third season of The O.C.; HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean I won’t call things like I see ’em, which brings us to this:

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The New Trailer for the Remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street Is Almost Perfect. I Said ALMOST.
February 25, 2010

After months of anticipation and a near stint at streetwalking, we’ve finally been blessed with a new trailer for the new A Nightmare on Elm Street.  So let’s all put down those ho boots and wipe off that lipstick and watch this thing:

I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful bitch or anything, but really?  Stop being mean, New Line Cinema!  This isn’t a trailer; it’s a cruel two-and-a-half-minute assault on my last fraying strand of patience.  I mean, my old-fashioned ass may prefer Wes Craven’s use of practical effects to have Freddy come through the wall:

Over this:

But I’m not going to shed crybaby tears over the CGI because then I might as well just be saying, “Wah, I’m OLD.”  The fact is that I love everything about this trailer except for the whole waiting two more months part.  That part’s the worst.

Like I said, though, no crybaby tears.  Mostly because the film’s look is winning me over, and Jackie Earle Haley’s Freddy Krueger is seriously freaking my shit out.  But let’s not lie.  There’s also this incentive to see the new A Nightmare on Elm Street:

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I’m Not Going to Even Bother Pretending Like I’m Not Excited for The Back-Up Plan
December 22, 2009

While I was at the movies this past weekend, I saw a poster for the upcoming romantic comedy The Back-Up Plan:

It was confusing because I haven’t associated Jennifer Lopez with shitty romantic comedies–let alone acting–in ages, but I digress.  My point is that I could tell just by the poster that this has “generic rom-com train wreck” written all over it, but sticking J. Lo and Alex O’Laughlin in a movie that amounts to Knocked Up‘s prettier but frighteningly dull cousin inexplicably sounds catnip to me. I blame it on Alex O’Laughlin, who is so pretty that even J. Lo’s hand can’t obscure his prettiness, and her hand damn well giving it a go.  I mean, seriously, what the hell is her hand doing in that poster?  Is she trying to cover his face so she can be the prettiest part of The Back-Up Plan poster?  Is this how they do the Vulcan mind meld in the Bronx?  Sorry, I got sidetracked.  

Again.

ANYWAYS, point being is that there’s a trailer for The Back-Up plan, and it’s all the LOLZ and romance of this poster at 24-frames-per-second:

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All Signs Point to Case 39 Being Totally Amazing
November 30, 2009

Obviously the first sign is the simple fact that Case 39 is a horror movie starring Renée Zellwegger, which allows her to join Hilary Swank and Halle Berry in the pantheon of Oscar-winning actresses to be inexplicably cast in a horror movie.  The fact that she’s at long last making her The Reaping (or Gothika, whichever perplexing career decision you’d prefer) should be more than plenty to have you buzzing with anticipatory glee.  But wait, there’s more!

For example, there’s also the trailer:

Oh trailer, you had me at Bradley Cooper shirtless and vomiting flies.  Given that this combines things that I like (Bradley Cooper and Bradley Cooper’s abs) and things that will haunt me for the rest of my life (the whole vomiting flies business), so congratulations are in order for giving such precise vision to my future sexual nightmares.

Sign three?  The little girl in this movie was also in Silent Hill, where she memorably danced in a rain of blood after a barbed wire tentacle shot up the Borg queen’s hooha and ripped her in two.  This actually has nothing to do with Case 39.  I just like taking any available opportunity to mention how batshit crazy Silent Hill is.  Seriously, it’s the craziest, but I digress.

Also, there’s Case 39‘s tagline, which is as clever as it is menacing:

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When It Comes to New Moon, I’m Decidedly Team This Guy
November 20, 2009

Well, New Moon is out today, and a great schism has erupted all over the interwebs:

This is an important discussion to have because you’re choosing between a wang that’s pale and ice cold and a wang that’s underage and could spontaneously sprout hair.  Hrmmm, DECISIONS.

Anyways, I’ve personally arrived at the conclusion that I’m neither Team Edward nor Team Jacob.  It’s not that I’m deliberately trying to be a finicky bitch by not answering the most important question of the new millenium, it’s just that someone else has taken my Twibreath away:

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Don’t Judge Me.
September 16, 2009

There’s a well known saying that goes “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em; and if you tend to share similar interests with legions of teenage girls, don’t even try and front.”  Truer words have probably never been spoken, and so it is with a deep shame that I admit the following: 

new moon excitement

I know I’ve previously acknowledged that I’m Twicurious to see the movie as an anthropological expedition of sorts, and I’d love to continue to feign such ironic detachment all the way ’til the much ballyhooed Apocalypse of 2012, but there are some forces that are simply too powerful to deny.  And apparently those forces involve  Kristen Stewart’s hysterics, abs, and Dakota Fanning:

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Things That Should Not Exist: This Taylor Lautner New Moon Action Figure
July 28, 2009

Logic dictates that, for a product to exist, there must be a demand.  It’s for this reason that products like the Wearable Towel or the Comfort Wipe; they may be incredibly stupid and theoretically useless, but you know that someone somewhere actually saw these products as the solution to a problem.  Necessity is, after all, the mother of invention.

That said, I’m quite aware this Taylor Lautner New Moon action figure clearly has a theoretical demand.  It comes from people called Twihards, and they will consume anything and everything related to Stephenie Meyer’s ridicu-succesful Twilight franchise.  I may not be part of that fan base, and I imagine my only enjoyment (if any, really) of the franchise would be ironic, but I’m not going to trash the fans of Twilight because we’re all allowed our own opinions and taste.  No matter how ridiculous they are.  

In spite of all of this, Twihards, you really need to calm it because we now have a thing that should not exist:

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Zut Alors! It Looks Like I’ll Be Seeing New Moon As Well
July 24, 2009

Had you asked me before today if I would be seeing New Moon in theaters, let alone at all, I would’ve probably beaten you with a wire hanger for asking such a stupid question.  That, of course, was before I saw this bootleg clip from Comic Con, which pretty much makes the case for me having to see this movie opening night:

Holy ballz, y’allz.  I get that watching a YouTube clip of a camcorder recording of a movie is never the optimal way to watch a movie and judge its quality; however, I’m rather certain that doesn’t mean this movie will be any closer to a masterpiece as opposed to the totally ridiculous looking movie that it looks to be.  Is that stopping me from battling herds of zealous fangirls to plunk down $12.50 on opening night?  Of course not.

Whereas I look and see soft-core porn quality acting with sub-soft-core porn level excuses to get Taylor Lautner (who, in spite of the fact that his abs are insanse, is still very much 17) to take off his shirt, these girls are so deeply invested in this material that they carry on running commentaries/shriek-a-thons throughout the clip.  Is it werewolf tribal medicine that says shirts cure bleeding?  Or maybe washboard abs encourage proper clotting?  This certainly makes no sense to the uninitiated (aka, me), but that doesn’t stop these fans from Twigasming at the top of their lungs, and that’s a good thing!  Ever the fan of bearing witness to major moments in pop culture, I now feel it necessary to see New Moon opening night, and those squees of uncontrollable excitement are interactive-audience icing on the zeitgeist cake.

As the one girl says: THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!!!

PS: I’m pretty certain that said girl’s screams, particularly when they get so shrill as to sounding like a kazoo, have made me fall in love with her.  She’s my imaginary interweb fag hag, y’all.

UPDATE 8/19/09: The high quality clip of this strange cultural moment has been removed due to (what else) copyright infringement.  I’m pretty sure that this video is less about what we’re seeing and far more sociologically valuable as a document of the cultural movement that is the Twihards.  Fortunately for us, they will not be stopped, and we have a lower quality copy to preserve this moment.

Harry Potter and the Half-Clothed Piece of Deliciousness
July 16, 2009

It’s been ages and ages since I read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and I’m hardly the sort of obsessive Potterophile that remembers each and every character name like I’m in charge of student enrollment at Hogwarts, so it is perhaps a given that I don’t remember who Cormac McLaggen was or what he did to have any sort of relevance in the narrative.  I forget plenty of trivial details, be it in the Harry Potter universe or the real one, and I’m pretty terrible with names as is, but there’s one thing that I do no forget, and that’s deliciousness.  Freddie Stroma, the actor who plays Cormac McLaggen in HPatHBP, is such deliciousness:

freddie stroma shirtless

I’d put something pithy in pink on this picture, but I can’t help but feel like I’d be defacing a work of art.  That, and it’s really hard to think of pithy things when it’s vapors-o-clock on the dreamboat express.  I don’t care that I already had every intention of seeing Half-Blood Prince, and I certainly don’t care that Freddie Stroma will indubitably be more clothed throughout the entirety of his role as Cormac McLaggen.  His impeccably chiseled features have me all sorts of more excited about one of the few summer movies I was already super excited about, and I’m pretty certain my eyeballs will explode when I see him on the Imax.  No more eyeballs is just the price one must pay to witness such beauty, and I’m totally fine with that.  

And speaking of no more eyeballs, just look at this video of him back in his underwear modeling days of last year and try to keep those bad boys in their sockets:

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Nothing Can Save The Midnight Meat Train From Being an Unmitigated Disaster
May 19, 2009

If by “terrifying,” you mean “terrifyingly lame,” then absolutely, Midnight Meat Train movie poster:

midnight meat train wreck

It’s true that I’ve only myself to blame for sitting through this mess.  Shouldn’t I have known that, with a title like The Midnight Meat Train, it was going to be terrible?  Yes, I totally should’ve.  But, in my defense, there was quite a bit going for it.  For example, it’s based on a short story by Clive Barker, the man responsible for Hellraiser and Candyman, which are easily two of my favorite horror movies ever made.  Then there’s the trailer, and like all good trailers, it makes the movie look far better than it actually is:

This trailers says, “I’m stylishly directed, and although I’m just a trashy splatter flick, at least I’m trashing it up with style to spare.  Also, I’ve got Brooke Shields being a steel-faced bitch!”  While all of these things are essentially true, none of it adds up to being even remotely approaching good.  The performances range from whatever (Bradley Cooper’s obsessed photographed is a self-absorbed vegetarian douchebag that everybody inexplicably wants to help out despite his lack of any discernible talent; I guess these things happen when you’re really, really good looking) to failed camp (Brooke Shields tries to play vampy bitch and just comes off as awkward and stiff) to utterly abominable (Leslie Bibb, in the supportive girlfriend role, is egregiously annoying and a reminder as to why I’ll never bother to dabble in bisexuality).  Even Vinnie Jones, whose stern face and hulking size at least lend him some sort of presence, is left to do nothing but look threatening when he’s not killing people.  Then again, The Midnight Meat Train isn’t worried so much about characterization or performance as it is with staging the most over-the-top (and certainly inappropriate for the faint of heart and my mother) death scenes I’ve seen in some time:

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