And Now For a Dose of Pure Crazy: Joan Crawford, Gender Enigma
March 13, 2016

its joan crawford mildred pierce trailer gender enigma

Several years back, I read David Bret’s Joan Crawford: Hollywood Martyr, and it was insane. As celebrity bios go, it’s like someone decided to set the record straight about Joan Crawford using Wikipedia synopses of her filmography, a nagging feeling that says “CHRISTINA’S WRONG”, a whole lotta moxie, and a well-read copy of Kenneth Anger’s Hollywood Babylon. Really, I’m still not sure what the rumor about Ramon Novarro and the black marble dildo from his alleged lover Rudolph Valentino was doing in a biography about Joan Crawford, but it did keep things more interesting.

My point is I’m more than familiar with trashy and ridiculous rumors about Joan Crawford and early Hollywood’s general sordidness, but nothing, and I mean nothing, could prepare me for “Joan Crawford Gender. Gender Enigma. Part 1.”, which is basically a Truther video, if the Truther movement was obsessed with proving that Joan Crawford was a man and Hollywood is some sort of Satanic transsexual long con:

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This Rosie O’Donnell Show Interview with Liza Minnelli Is Something Else
February 22, 2016

liza minnelli rosie odonnell show

It’s my belief that all things are made better by Liza Minnelli, and so today I propose a little MWM: Monday With Minnelli. In particular, I’d like to suggest this interview with an “I” between Ms. Minnelli and the inspiration for Cabaret 2‘s favorite person, Rosie O’Donnell. It’s something else from top (O’Donnell) to bottom (David Gest), so give it a watch and let’s discuss:

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Cate Blanchett Will Not Have Your Stupid Questions, Either
March 26, 2015

cate blanchett cinderella interview

In what I can only hope becomes one of the defining trends of 2015, another incredibly talented actress gave a delightfully Done With It response to a very stupid question. This time, a journalist asked Cate Blanchett a very stupid question about cats on leashes while she was doing press for Cinderella, and Cate Blanchett was not having it at all:

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TGIF! Now Here’s Jessica Lange’s Perfect Response to Lady Gaga Joining American Horror Story
March 20, 2015

The internet has momentarily clutched its pearls and lost its damn mind over over whatever this means, and oh dear god, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!? Well, whatever it means, it’s perfect.

The consensus seems to be that Jessica Lange shaded Lady Gaga over her joining the cast of American Horror Story: Hotel, so shots fired, queens! And sure, while that’s entirely possible, I think we should all be asking what kind of dumb question is “Does Gaga convince you [Jessica Lange] to stay for another season?” Seriously, what does that mean? Jessica Lange is Jessica F***ing Lange, and she does as she pleases, no questions asked!

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Surprise! There’s Going to Be a Brittany Murphy Biopic on Lifetime
August 14, 2014

still-of-brittany-murphy-in-spun-(2002)

Well, well, well, this certainly comes as a surprise. It looks like Brittany Murphy (seen above in a dazzling still from Spun), who tragically passed away in 2009, will be getting the Lifetime biopic treatment. Between this and The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story, Lifetime looks to be chasing the nostalgic-millennials-with-a-penchant-for-hot-garbage market hard.

Us Weekly is reporting that Lifetime will air The Brittany Murphy Story on September 6th. Last Man Standing‘s Amanda Fuller will star as Brittany, and Sherilyn Fenn (!!!) will play Britanny’s mom, Sharon Murphy. I’m all for Sherilyn Fenn being cast in anything (Twin Peaks 4EVER), but I’m not sure about Amanda Fuller. She doesn’t really look at all like Brittany Murphy. Then again, Lifetime’s casting agents have done far worse.

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Today in Poor Life Choices: Mischa Barton Regrets Starring in The O.C.
August 7, 2014

mischa-barton-vapestickIf the above picture is any indication, Mischa Barton recently took a break from perfecting her boho American Horror Story: Coven cosplay and sat down for an interview with Metro to talk about being new FACE of Vapestick. Since that story is probably just as exciting as it doesn’t sound like at all, Metro went with Mischa taking a kitten swipe at her past success instead:

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The Latest Lindsay Lohan Mugshot Is the Best Lindsay Lohan Mugshot
March 20, 2013


lindsaylohanmugshot2013

As we’ve all probably heard, Fornarina fashionista and coulda-shoulda Black Swan queen Lindsay Lohan opted for 90 days in lockdown rehab after pleading “no contest” to reckless driving and lying to the cops. This is why you’re being served some hardened-prison-bitch realness right now. (That cocked eyebrow is killing it…with a shank.) ANYWAYS, I’m convinced this is Lindsay Lohan’s best mugshot, so let’s discuss why:

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Lindsay Lohan Is Serving Us a White-Hot Plate of Dental Glamour
October 14, 2011

Mere nights ago, international lady of leisure, should’ve-been-Swan-Queen, and perennial tabloid critter Lindsay Lohan stepped out to an event to bring the paparazzi the sort refined elegance only a hobo corpse playing dress-up in a Forever 21 dumpster could offer. Just kidding! As usual, she looked gorgeous, so before you start trying to cast shade upon such pristinely polished beauty, let me remind you what her rep (Dina Lohan with the voice changer from the Scream movies, most likely) had to say to People:

Lindsay is widely acknowledged as one of the most stunning actresses of her day, and we get requests every week wanting to do photo shoots with her from top photographers.

She’s been on the cover of Vanity Fair and the top beauty and fashion magazines. She’s a beautiful and glamorous actress.

With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I’m going to comment on Lindsay’s teeth.

Don’t you get it, internet? She’s an actress! Never mind that her hands look like those of a street walker practicing her craft with sand paper and Sharpie markers; SHE’S READY FOR HER CLOSE-UP, MR. DEMILLE:

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Lindsay Lohan Could (Should?) Have Been the Swan Queen!
July 15, 2011

Well, well, well. The gossip world’s abuzz with claims that perennial tabloid critter and one-time Nina Sayers of Quiznos ads, Lindsay Lohan, may have a chip on her shoulder for never getting so much as a casting call for Black Swan. Obviously a story this good demands some equally grand ‘n glorious Photoshopping, so here you go:

Long story short, Us Weekly reports that Lindsay Lohan apparently flew down for a photo shoot and interview with Plum Miami Magazine, and when she proceeded to back out of the interview, writer Jacquelynn Powers went ahead with a story chronicling both Lindsay Lohan’s eloquence (“Move that cone. I’m Lindsay Lohan.”) and perceived career slights:

Frustrated with the state of her career, Lohan said she “took ballet until she was 19 and was indignant that she was not considered for the movie Black Swan,” Powers adds.

For such bravery in the face of Dina Lohan’s inevitable wrath, I do believe Ms. Powers deserves a “Bitch, you bold!” AND a gold star, y’all.

You know, there used to be a time when we’d hear stories about the roles Lindsay Lohan refused to take or speculate about possible Lohan-related video games, but now it’s stories about roles Lindsay Lohan believes she should have been (but wasn’t even) offered? I mean, I’m happy that she’s got as firm a grasp on reality as Natalie Portman did during that one scene in Black Swan when Mila Kunis took a swan dive into her smiling snatch (terrible pun and a Showgirls line grab! + +!), but why does the gossip world have to tease us so? Black Swan brilliance mixed with the sort of bravura acting last witnessed in I Know Who Killed Me? Obviously we need more Photoshopping to imagine how this better, batsh*ttier Black Swan Version 2.OMGWANT!!! could’ve ended:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Amateur PR Corner: Angry Mel Gibson Edition
July 14, 2010

Once upon a time, when Mel Gibson would get angry, things had a tendency to get hilarious:

sugar tits

Sugar tits?  Sugar tits.  You gotta love it.

Sure, it’s vulgar and demeaning to women, and I’m hardly saying misogyny is ever defensible, but you also get the feeling that he intended it as some sort of sweet talk, in which case he might as well start quoting Showgirls instead of love sonnets.  Besides, that phrase is positively quaint when you consider the nightmarish word garbage that makes up first, second, third, or fourth (and most likely more TK!) recorded rants directed at his wife, Oksana Grigorieva.  Seriously, nothing punctuates a Hallmark greeting card quite like “Sugar Tits,” though you’ve gotta admit that “I should’ve woken you up and said f*cking blow me, bitch!  I should’ve f*ckin’ woken you up and said blow me!  You would’ve liked that better, yeah?  But you need the goddamn sleep!” makes a great Valentine’s Day card from that special man who never puts his own needs before yours.

Anyways, seeing as I’m a total pro at rehabilitating busted-ass public images (when I’m not being a total queen, at least), let’s all take another little trip over to Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Amateur PR Corner and see what–if anything–can be done to help Mel Gibson save face in the public eye:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Amateur PR Corner: On the Future of Jesse James’s Public Image
March 26, 2010

Celebrities: they’re just like us!  And if you happen to be the sort of person who can’t stand black people almost as much as you can’t get enough Nazi memorabilia or sex with lots of tattooed lady friends that aren’t your wife, then rumor has it that Jesse James is just like you!  Well, the whole banging ladies with hideous forehead tattoos part is fact, but now there are all sorts of rumors circulating that Jesse James is a white supremacist who has a Hitler surfboard.  Yikes!  When you’re already considered one of the country’s most reviled men before you’re outed as a racist and a homophobe, it’s pretty safe to say that your public image is certifiably doomed after the fact.

Now seeing as I’m neither a philanderer nor a white supremacist, I don’t have a lot of experience with this sort of situation, but one time I sat in on a PR class in undergrad, which I’m pretty sure makes me qualified to add my two cents to this situation, and I’m all but convinced that if anyone can redeem Jesse James’s public image, and it’s this guy: (more…)

Today in Hard Hitting Questions: What’s Your Bad Idea “Bombshell” McGee Forehead Tattoo?
March 19, 2010

It was brought to my attention yesterday that there’s some surprise that Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has yet to address the human Ipecac that is Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.  Well, more specifically, the tattoo she has on her forehead.  The one that looks like this:

(a Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner artistic rendition in Photoshop excellence)

Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but for realsies: according to Terra, “Bombshell” McGee had “Pray for us sinners” tattooed on her forehead because she believes “we’re all sinners in life.”   Which perhaps explains the allegations of Nazi salutes and Swastika tattoos?

“Bombshell” McGee: Whoops, did heiling Hitler upset the kids again?

Ex-Husband: Duh.

“Bombshell” McGee: Well, I guess we’re all sinners in life.

Boo, you whore.  No, literally this time.

ANYWAYS, when this tattoo isn’t serving as a glaring example of her having all the spiritual depth of a person boneheaded enough to think tattooing “Pray for us sinners” on your forehead somehow makes you spiritually deep, it’s a fine example of a bad idea.  Like, a really bad idea.  Because it’s on your damn forehead, and only bangs can hide an embarrassment like that, which is like trying to hide the fact that you just pissed your pants at the bar by ripping a fart that could clear out a night club.  So while I’m pretty sure having a forehead tattoo automatically guarantees you a competitive spot at this year’s The Worsties, I at least think we can at least do slightly better than what we’re currently working with, so let’s all jump and see what we can come up with:

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