The Video For Adam Lambert’s “If I Had You” Is What Happens When Fabulousness Snorts Angel Dust
June 15, 2010

There’s flamboyant, and then there’s Adam Lambert rocking a pompadour/mullet, bedazzled and bespiked shoulder pads, and enough glittery make-up to glamourize a small neighborhood of frumpy hausfraus, which is why he’s affectionately known to many as Glambert.  Adam Lambert’s “If I Had You” music video:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Hot damn, y’all.  I’m pretty sure unicorns farting glitter would be less flamboyant than this music video, and I mean that as a compliment.

Naturally I love this, in large part because Glambert totally won me over with For Your Entertainment; since then been waiting for a music video to properly capture his fabulousness, and I’m pretty sure “If I Had You” is the video for that.  At least until they make a music video for “Strut.”  Or, fingers crossed, “Fever.”

Added to that, and maybe this is just me, but I prefer to trip balls vicariously.  I’ve seen what that shit does to Helen Hunt, and it ain’t pretty.  So once again, I’m pretty sure “If I Had You” is the video for that.  At least until they make a video for “Strut.”  Or, fingers crossed, “Fever.”

One thing I’m most definitely sure of about “If I Had You,” though, is that “If I Had You” is the video Adam Lambert where is clearly this summer’s fashion icon for the over-sexed, aging drag queen set:

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Sorry, GLAAD, But GlambertGate Is About Homophobia
December 4, 2009

More GlambertGate talk?  I know, I know.  I hate to sound like some radical leftist gay who turns everything into a rant against white patriarchal heteronormativity:

You: Isn’t this blog usually more funny?

Me: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A HUMORLESS FAGGOT?!?

But c’mon, it’s fair to argue that the whole situation with Adam Lambert and ABC is the result of some sort of pop-culture gay panic, and–regardless of the deciding factor in ABC’s decision to cancel Lambert’s future appearance on the network–it’s important to discuss what this particular moment says about artistic expression and gay acceptance in mainstream media.  That, and the whole debacle’s becoming a first-class shit show.

First off, there’s this:

Since no moment in popular culture to involve a homosexual is complete without a statement from GLAAD, the Los Angeles Times reported yesterday that GLAAD had the following words to contribute:

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More Adam Lambert Performance Cancellations? It’s Time to Call Shenanigans on ABC
December 3, 2009

Well, it looks like it’s not just the New York Senate that hates gay people this week.  ABC has yet again pulled the plug on my favorite Cristal-Connors-channeling, wasteland-wandering glam bear:

When his Good Morning America performance was cancelled last week, there was at least an air of reason to the decision.  It may have been somewhat sheepish, but it’s hard to blame ABC for not wanting to run the risk of another “shocking” live performance on morning television.  I didn’t get what all the was about over his AMA performance, but it’s also safe to say that a camp-loving gay man and the majority of conservative America will have radically different takes on what it takes to be “too gratuitously sexual” on television.  Fine, America, you hate when nipples pop up during your Super Bowl Half-Time Shows, and fake oral sex and a gay smooch on a third-tier music awards show are also out of the question.  Duly noted, now let’s all move on.

As I read on Celebitchy, though, we haven’t moved on, and ABC has now cancelled Adam Lambert’s performances on both Jimmy Kimmel Live and Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, which Lambert speculated on Twitter as a result of pressure from the FCC.  Yet, as the Los Angeles Times observes and Queerty reiterated, both shows would broadcast late enough that Lambert’s performance would have to try damn hard to get the FCC to slap ABC with fines for indecency.  So, with the FCC out, what else could it be?

Going off the New York Times ArtsBeats Blog, my guess is ABC must still be suffering audience anxiety:

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It’s Official: Adam Lambert and Lady Gaga MUST Join Forces
November 23, 2009

I didn’t watch the American Music Awards last night because I’ve better things to do with my time, which may or may not mean whipping up an epic amount of cheese grits and an entire box of Brown ‘N Serve sausage:

That’s for me to know and you to endlessly ponder.

Anyways, apparently I’m going to have to make more of an effort to tune in to these third-tier music awards programs because the clips I’ve seen from last night’s American Music Awards are all sorts of ridamndonkulousness.  In some instances, such as Lady Gaga’s performance, I don’t really find this particularly shocking:

While I’m always delighted to see what Lady Gaga will do next, I’ve long ago accepted that it will indubitably be completely batshit insane.  As a result, I can’t say fashioning light-up tubing into something resembling the exoskeleton of the creature from Alien is her most mind-blowing achievement.  Personal preference dictates I stick with either The World’s Gayest Homage to The Warriors or this little head exploder, but I’ve gotta give her points for outfitting a violin player in pig play gear.  I really don’t know what to do with that, so snaps for the nightmare fodder.  Lady Gaga is clearly dedicated to this whole Monster thing, but not nearly as dedicated as Adam Lambert is to becoming my favorite person on Earth:

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If the Music Video for Adam Lambert’s “Time for Miracles” Is Any Indication, 2012 Will Be a Time for Train Wrecks
October 22, 2009

Oh dear.  There’s a music video for Adam Lambert’s single off the 2012 soundtrack, “Time for Miracles,” and it is as fabulous and ridiculous as this image I found through Google image search for “2012 soundtrack”:

adam lambert 2012

So, you know, very fabulous.  And extremely ridiculous.

As with everything else coming down the 2012 pipeline, it’s a batshit crazy train wreck of histrionic performances and apocalyptic disaster.  And, as with everything else coming down the 2012 pipeline, I mean that as a compliment:

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Adam Lambert’s Rolling Stone Cover Shocker(?)
June 9, 2009

The interwebs are going bonkers today, y’all.  All because of this mind-bomb dropping Rolling Stone cover:

lambo_01

Mon dieu!  You mean to suggest, nay, report that American Idol‘s Adam Lambert doesn’t prefer the traditional straight fit jean, Rolling Stone magazine and internet at large?   You mean to tell me it can finally be confirmed that he prefers a low-rise boot-cut (aka, homo cut), and he enjoys accessorizing with bedazzled butterflies and snakes?  Congratulations, you’re officially the new masters of glaringly obvious journalism!  Previous honorees have included Blue Sky Quarterly, www.everybodys-farts-stink.com, and this little guy:

o rly owl

Anywhosie, for all the we-already-saw-this-light-years-away noise and the no-shit-Ask-Jeeves fury of this all, I do find one part of this whole cover story genuinely shocking.  When you think about it, it’s rather surprising that everybody’s talking up the non-story when there’s a real story staring right in the face:

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