You’re Not Ready for #CoplineBling
February 1, 2016

coplinebling

This past December, my roommate requested Drake’s “Hotline Bling” at my office’s holiday party, and the DJ told her he didn’t think the crowd was ready for it. He reads crowds for a living, he explained. He’s a professional. Neither of us was sure what he meant by that, but now that I think about it, I’m more than a little concerned about our #CoplineBling preparedness.

#CoplineBling is the University of Delaware campus police promotional video/parody of “Hotline Bling” that has everything, if your idea of everything includes sweet moves, sexy mascots, and a shameless thirst for the sweet and fickle nectar of internet celebrity. You’re probably ready for it, but here it is anyways:

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Let’s Make a Meme: Nomi Malone Licking Things
March 9, 2015

make a meme nomi malone

After I produced my Photoshop masterpiece, Nomi Malone: MTA Enthusiast, it was only a matter of time before I asked myself, What comes after greatness? Since it’s all creatively downhill after you photoshop a stripper on the subway, I figured why not try and contribute to internet meme-dom with an entire series of Nomi Malone licking things—a No-meme Malone, if you will. After all, even Icarus needed something to do during the fall.

So ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, my first round of contributions to Nomi Malone Licking Things. Things like…

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Sh*t Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan Says
February 28, 2015

I had almost forgotten about “Shit Girls Say” meme craze, which is fine, because it’s not 2012, and I try to rely upon more than trite gendered observations and casual misogyny for humor. I rely upon innumerable Showgirls references instead, because I dine on sophistication. (And Doggie Chow.)

Speaking of sophistication, here’s an 8-minute montage of Alexis Carrington quotes, because even the most exhausted meme is revitalized by Joan Collins, Dynasty clips, and a glamorous yet sensible appreciation of shoulder pads.

Well, The Dress Definitely Ain’t a Versayce
February 26, 2015

showgirls dress black blue white gold versace versayce

Even if every generation gets the dress controversy that it deserves, this dress ain’t from Versayce (you know, in the Forum?), so I fail to see what all the fuss is about.

Sharks Vs. Jets
February 7, 2015

10469232_10152717938154422_497503051631501060_n

When you’re a meme, you’re a meme all the way…

[via tumblr. Much love to Josh for this one.]

Steve’s Got Bette Davis Eyes…
November 9, 2013

steve buscemi bette davis eyes

She’ll unease you, indeed…

Here’s Steve Buscemi with Bette Davis eyes, because internet memes and 80s pop songs make for strange, ouroborosian bedfellows. So exquisite.

[White-hot glamour pic via Bobby Finger]

Sh*t Liza Minnelli Says!!!
January 11, 2012

ALERT THE AMPHIBIOUS SQUADRON QUEENS! At last, an iteration of this wildly exhausted “Shit Somebody or Another Says” meme for the rest of us, aka, those who can appreciate a rather uncanny Liza Minnelli impersonation, aka, not this one! Why, it’s so good  it gave me the dizzies! Now who wants some Moo Shu?

Much love to Best Week Ever by way of Vulture for this one.

Richard Simmons Is Planking
July 13, 2011

And it gets better. It gets video:

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Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” Featuring Nigel Thornberry
June 27, 2011

I’ve learned in my old age (27, which in gay years is OLD) to not really question the internet. Much like that U2 song (*TERRIBLE PUN ALERT!*), she moves in mysterious ways (oof, so sorry!). In this particular case, that means smashing up Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” (a thing that I love) with a short soundbite of Nigel Thornberry from Nickelodeon’s The Wild Thornberrys (a thing that I watched in my youth, aka, when I was not OLD). It is very internet, which is to say a strange amalgamation of the contemporary and the nostalgic. And also curiously–perhaps even dadaistically, if you will–wonderful:

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Today’s YouTube Highlight in Three Words: Denny’s. Halloween. Catfight.
November 16, 2010

You guys, I must admit I have no idea if this video is actually the YouTube highlight of today.  We’re still NO STREAMO at work, and my desk is such a black hole for cellphone reception that the YouTube channel on my iPhone 4 never works.  I know, I know: Being white is difficult.  Hot, new internet meme Privilege Denying Dude knows what I’m talking about:

Anyways, here’s a video that I would like to imagine combines two things we can all agree are really pretty special: Catfights and foodstuffs.  Of course, watch this video end up having nothing to do with either.  Pandemonium invariably ensues, everybody takes to the comments to berate me, and then my mom calls to tell me she’s refunded my ticket home for the holidays so she can to buy herself something more satisfying than this video, like Red Velvet cake mix and a bum fight.  So there you have it: YouTube highlight or Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner interweb pandemonium!  Either/or, it’s after the jump and totally worth a gander, yes?

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Today’s Hard-Hitting Question: Who Do I Write Like?
July 22, 2010

So by now I imagine we’ve all come across that little corner of the internet where you can have your writing analyzed and compared to famous authors throughout the ages, the one that’s aptly named I Write Like.  After all, nothing gives your ego a reach around quite like being told you’re like the next Charles Dickens, but only if you like it old and dusty like that.  From what I can tell, some sort of algorithm breaks down things like sentence structure and punctuation, which basically means the Robot Apocalypse is going to be even worse than we could imagine because it’s a pretentious asshole who’s working on his Master’s in Comp Lit.

ANYWAYS, my mother keeps telling me to “write the book,” so I decided to throw a recent post on Lana Turner into this thing and see what my book would look like:

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

HA, that’s rich.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve heard David Foster Wallace is an amazing writer, and I know a lot of people who were really torn up by his untimely passing, and one day I plan on carrying around a hardcover copy of Jacqueline Susann’s Valley of the Dolls with the dust jacket for Infinite Jest on it so people will think I’m sophisticated or hip (as opposed to low-brow and helplessly gay) when they see me on the subway, but I seriously doubt people are like, “Oh, that kid who writes Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner is totes the next David Foster Wallace,” and if I really am, literary agents need to start recognizing IMMEDIATELY.  Obviously this thing must be busted, so let’s try another piece, and this time it’ll be about the all new season for the Mad Men avatar generator:

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

AGAIN?!?  Could it be that I’m actually doing something right, and that things that read like the barely lucid caterwauling of a homeless nance are also things that warrant critical accolades and literary awards?  If the third time’s the talent charm, let’s just test one final sample before we put the savant back in idiot savant, shall we?  Don’t fail me now, post about that fabulous L.A. Times Magazine Christina Hendrick profile:

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This Is Why We Interweb
January 27, 2010

Perhaps it’s wrong to reduce something as complex and integrated into our daily routine as the internet to something as simple as this:

But then, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

As it is so frequently with these sorts of things, much love to Videogum.

Clever Girl
January 20, 2010

I used to think that this was the absolute pinnacle of the velociraptor meme:

As with all internet memes, I don’t understand exactly why there is a raptor meme, but I had a dinosaur obsession in my childhoood, and Jurassic Park ranks as one of 12-year-old Benjamin’s all time favorite movies (followed closely by Twister and Independence Day), so I can be okay with this.

That said, I was obviously wrong about the above image being the greatest entry in the velociraptor meme canon.  THIS is the greatest entry in the velociraptor meme canon:

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Clearly We’re All Seeing 2012 For the Oscar-Calibre Performances
October 6, 2009

Truth in advertising, y’all.  We really were warned:

2012 ridiculous

With disaster sequences like this, how can it not be?

But now someone’s decided that the only thing better than the five minutes of 2012 that recently made their way onto the internet would be editing out all of the ridiculous CGI footage, thus allowing us to instead focus our attention entirely on the ridiculous performances.  In other words, someone’s my new favorite genius:

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Internet, Make (Alternate) Dynasty Happen!
August 3, 2009

Remember yesterday’s nightmare?  How could you forget it?  It’s sadly burnt itself into my memory for all eternity.  Sweet mercy was it the worst!

Fortunately for us, the internet is sorta like Newton’s third law of motion, and so for every nightmarish thing that should not exist there is a brilliantly insane thing that most certainly should exist.  Such is the case of this video for an alternate opening for Dynasty, which envisions what I’m pretty certain is an even better version of Dynasty than the one that already exists.  Seriously:

Mon dieu!  All that genius has temporarily stunted my capacity to speak in English, so I’m stuck with responding in French: 

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When Nightmares and Single Ladies Collide
July 20, 2009

It’s been well documented that clowns are universally despised and hated by anybody with the common sense to recognize that behind all those painted faces and put-on grins lies the root of all evil.

The “Single Ladies” dance is the absolute antithesis of clowns.  For starters, everyone loves that song.  Really, EVERYONE:

old people love single ladies

See?  Told you so!  Photoshopped pictures don’t lie, and that’s a fact!

Added to that, if you have even the vaguest inkling of rhythm and a dial-up internet access, it’s very likely that you too probably learned at least some of the dance as it exploded all over the pop-culture zeitgeist like nuclear bomb of insanely infectious fabulousness.

So what do you get when you cross the the undeniable creepiness that is a scary clown mask with 2008’s internet meme sensation?  You apparently get the following video, which is as utterly nightmarish as it is strangely compelling:

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