For me, every Halloween’s outcome is a crap shoot. Some years I’ll really get into the spirit and go out all dressed (or dragged) up, and other years will be spent holed up in my bedroom with whatever horror movies I can get my hand on and a bag of candy, all hopped-up on sugar and shouting obscenities at the television. Fortunately enough, this year I ended up going with the former after I was invited to a Halloween party by my dear friend Lindsay. Of course she and I would have to go as a pair, but obviously not as a lazy metaphor for sexual penetration:
Mostly because that lock costume would make me self-conscious about my hips, but whatever, I digress.
Our plan was to go as Lucille and Lucille II from Arrested Development; however, that fell through when we found that every last old-lady-with-a-bob wig was snatched up like it was a Brazilian drag competition. All the same, I knew I still had to go as Liza Minnelli because:
- If Sandra Lee can do it semi-homemade, so could I.
- I’d already committed to the look by shaving my beard and dying my hair.
ANYWAYS, I’m not usually one to put overtly personal material up here (this isn’t LiveJournal, ladies!), but I did Liza drag this weekend, damnit, and if this tranny train wreck isn’t at least slightly camp, I’m clearly in need of six weeks intensive camp therapy (Joan Crawford movie marathons and Showgirls dance lessons). If nothing else, this’ll be good for a laugh. Or extremely vivid nightmares about a tackily dressed middle-aged lesbian. Either/or, I would like to present without any further ado:
Our story begins…
“Oh, hello! It’s me, Liza Minnelli. So happy you could stop by my kitchen. You caught me right in the middle of making one of my favorite things to eat: DONUT BACON CHEESEBURGERS!!! I mean: Soup. Mmm, doesn’t it smell great? Let’s go have a taste, shall we?”
“You know, if I can give you just one piece of advice while you’re here, it would be to always follow Liza’s First Step to Safe Souping: Blow on it! Nothing takes the shimmy out of your shake or the sparkle out of your sequined onesie quite like third-degree lip burns. Seriously, I had to learn the hard way that my insatiable love of lipgloss and my inability to keep calm around a bowl of French Onion do not go hand in hand:
That life lesson was not a cabaret.”
“Mmm, this soup is so good it makes me want to put on my posin’ stance. Leg: up. Face: FACE’d. Trade secret, girls: That’s all there is to my posin’ stance! Try it yourself!”
“Oh my, all this and soupin’ and posin’ is making me feel faint. Why, I’ve got a case of the dizzies!”
“Must…regain…strength. Must. Clutch.
Pearls Bejeweled gold necklace!”
“Woo, all better! Well I think that was enough fun for one day. Hope you had fun, and don’t forget to soup and pose just like I told ya! LIZA!”
Much love to Aaron for helping style and shoot this mess.