This Girl Would Like to Know Why We Have Leap Year
February 29, 2012

This girl is a veritable fountain stupid of questions and salty language, so pinkies out and headphones up!

HAHAHAHAHA, YES! Clearly the internet has given us the perfect leap year gift (a very, very gross girl with a very, very gross vlog post about the grave social injustice that is leap year), so thank you, Internet.  It’s not every day you get a reason to wish the Hunger Games were real. Apparently it’s only once ever four years!

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Here’s Two Kids Fighting About Getting Married
July 25, 2011

She wants to mary him. He wants to make like a howler monkey ‘cos he REALLY doesn’t want to marry her. Is the mother who’s filming this video for viral fame instead of stepping in like a reasonable adult being irresponsible? Yes Maaaybeee. Still, congratulations are most certainly in order.

After all, these two are already fighting like a couple of children, so they’ve got the toughest part of matrimonial bliss down pat! The rest is just a wedding cakewalk of mounting regret and bitterness occasionally punctuated by someone angrily tossing a brandy glass into a fireplace. Congratulations, kids! Love is nothing if not a many-splendored thing.

Much love to the Daily Mail by way of Buzzfeed for this one.

Post #557, in Which Grace Van Cutsem Gives Great Face at the Royal Wedding
April 29, 2011

Grace Van Cutsem is the three-year-old goddaughter of Prince William, a flower girl at the Royal Wedding, and the heir apparent to the face of every person whose internet status currently reads: OVER IT. She’s also Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Best Part of the Royal Wedding, which is sad, because even though I’ll probably never be deeply invested in anything that requires me to wake up at 4 AM (even if it is supposed to be the Biggest Media Event of Our Times!), I was all but certain Victoria Beckham’s hat had that title on lockdown:

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Kidz Bop’s “Single Ladies”: Singular Proof Kidz Bop Is Not Beyoncé
April 28, 2011

Well, the subtext here is infinitely creepier than Beyoncé’s utterly delightful “Move Your Body” (which is what the cool kids are Jazzercising to these days), and we’ve regrettably already seen this bad idea before, but at least future child brides of the world now have a sassy pop anthem all unto their own? OH, THANK GOODNESS.

Much love to Videogum for this one.

Beyoncé’s “Move Your Body”: Further Proof That Beyoncé’s the Best
April 27, 2011

Look, I’m not saying that I had any doubts after witnessing her work the hell out that Betty Page wig and deliver her lines in the oh-so-exquisitely-camp way she did in the video for Lady Gaga’s “Telephone.” Nor were there really any lingering doubts whatsoever after watching one of 2009’s unheralded gems, Obsessed. All I know is that when America’s fiercest First Lady, Michelle Obama, says, “I want you to make a video promoting exercise in the fight against childhood obesity,” Beyoncé asks, “Can I do it in a dazzling neon explosion of fetching heels and knee-high socks?” And if that’s not further proof that Beyoncé is the best, f*ck me if I know what is.

Much love to Vulture for this one.

Meet Brad, Your New Favorite Non-Union Actor-Slash-Print Model
April 27, 2011

As you’ll see, he’s very good at what he does, which is ACTING-slash-MODELING:

Leave your aspirations at the door, Nomi Malone, and it looks like you’ve been dropped as Swan Queen, Nina Sayers. There’s always someone younger and hungrier and non-union coming down the stairs behind you, and he has arrived! IT’S BRAD’S TURN!

(On a side note, where did that monologue come from? Was it from Garden State? I feel like it had to have come from Garden State, because yikes! And if it didn’t come from Garden State, well, yiiikes.)

Much love to Videogum for this one.

Because It’s So Good When She’s Bad, Here’s a Girl Singing “I Will Always Love You” and Freaking Out
November 4, 2010

Seeing as how I’m a self-acknowledged karaoke nightmare, I wouldn’t want to try and measure up against anybody else’s vocal prowess.  Even if they mute.  And particularly if they were Whitney Houston, circa The Bodyguard:

As such, I’m not going to say that the girl in the video after the jump is bad, per se.  I’ll just leave it at that when she does fail, she fails spectacularly.  And with liberal use of the “f*ck” bomb, so if you happen to be at work, you probably shouldn’t be on this site pinkies out and headphones up, y’all:

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The Justin Bieber 3-D Documentary Never Say Never Is Totally Brilliant
October 26, 2010

Look, I may not Facebook like Justin Bieber, and we all know Facebook liking is the only liking that counts (hint hint), but that doesn’t mean I can’t occasionally be in awe of tweendom’s most famous lesbian popstar, and this trailer for Never Say Never is one such moment:

AWE.

Okay, so I admittedly haven’t actually watched this trailer for the following reasons:

  1. In an effort to conserve bandwidth, we’re no longer allowed to stream any media at work.  Obviously this is tearing me apart, Lisa, but office rules bend for no one, and that includes the Biebster.
  2. I’m an adult.

As a result, I can’t actually say if this movie looks any good; however, I can definitely say that this is a movie I’ll never see because this is not my face right now:

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Justin Beiber vs. a Revolving Door
May 20, 2010

Just because I’ve nothing against Justin Bieber doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a good revolving door FAIL:

Seriously, I don’t think I’ve schadenfreuded that hard since this face.

All my love to Videogum for this one.

These Little Girls Burn When They “Single Ladies” Dance
May 12, 2010

On one hand, there’s no train wreck quite like the train wreck that is a bunch of little Nomi Malone’s in training:

Brava? Sure, brava!

Seriously, you don’t get a performance like that without being the sort of über-bitchy pageant mom that warrants a side-eye so cold it could cut diamonds:

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Presented With Limited Commentary: A Whole Bunch of Things That This Kid Hates
April 5, 2010

It’s worth mentioning that this kid drops the F-bomb.  A lot.  So let that help you decide whether it’s better to watch this video now or save it for later, but let’s also be clear that you do need to watch this video at one point or another because this kid’s rant seriously deserves a gold star:

To the back of the line, kid who hates Lady Gaga! Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has a new YouTube rant winner, and it’s this kid.  He hates EVERYTHING.

Oh, and much love to Videogum for this YouTube rant hotness.

Lil’ Lady Gaga Is Precocious. And Proof That Brazil Is Bonkers
March 3, 2010

Desperate times call for desperate measures, which–in the case of still not having the music video for Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” in our lives–apparently means posting a video of an 8-year-old working it like Lady Gaga on the Brazilian version of Britain’s Got Talent,Qual é o seu Talento?:

Ermm, I hope that Lil’ Lady Gaga’s got proportional dwarfism and is actually a 33-year-old Russian prostitute with a penchant for not wearing pants; otherwise, Brazil’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.

I mean, it’s vaguely uncomfortable how much the audience is enjoying this performance.  Particularly Brazilian Kenny Rogers:

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A Few Reasons I Probably Shouldn’t Discuss Remember Me
March 2, 2010

So I’ve been asked to spend a few words on this:

I might as well have been asked to give an introductory lecture on the films of John Wayne or an instructional course on finding the G-Spot.  There really are too many reasons to count as to why I should take a pass on this one, but popular demand (aka, a single request posted on my Facebook wall) is popular demand, so I decided the best way to talk about Remember Me is to actually talk about why I shouldn’t talk about Remember Me.  Now let’s get meta and do this thing.

Reason One: Inevitable Teen Girl Squad Backlash

If the first year of Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has taught me anything, it’s that you do NOT challenge the tastes of teenage girls with internet connections.  They will metaphorically shank you with their hastily composed comments, and each misspelled word and basic grammatical error will sting worse than a thousand paper cuts from thoroughly dog-eared copy of Breaking Dawn.  Believe me.  I know.

Anyways, for that reason alone I know that I shouldn’t contribute my two cents on Remember Me, or any Robert Pattinson movie for that matter.  No matter the movie,  it will only end in bad things (burning my effigy in a chaotic orgy of hormone-addled bloodlust?).  Particularly if I were to started flapping my trap about that one where he played a gay Salvadore Dali (burning me at the stake in a chaotic orgy of hormone-addled bloodlust).  Like I said, I know I shouldn’t, but that’s obviously not stopping me.

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Today in Secret Shames: Avril Lavigne’s “Alice” on the Alice in Wonderland Soundtrack
February 19, 2010

I’m sure there are all sorts of initial reactions to the news that Disney’s planning to release a companion album inspired by money Tim Burton’s Alice and Wonderland featuring songs by the likes of Robert Smith, The All-American Rejects, and Avril Lavigne.  Perhaps “Wicked awesome!” is one of them, but I instead fell into this camp:

Really, at first I was terribly confused.  But then I got to thinking about it some more, and I realized that this album is synergizing marketing genius.  Possibly the most synergizing marketing genius.  EVER.

If there’s ever been an album tailor-made to the market of Hot-Topic-shopping youth culture that isn’t a soundtrack to one of the Twilight movies, this is without question it.  The only thing that kids these days love more than feeling feeling misunderstood while working on their homemade Edward Scissorhands costumes is listening to Tokio Hotel (also on Almost Alice, duh) while feeling misunderstood and working on their homemade Edward Scissorhands costumes.  Oh, and let’s not forget pretending being in a love triangle with a werewolf and a vampire.  YUMMO.

Anyways, given how I’m an adult who doesn’t paint his nails black and keep all his shit in an Edward Cullen trapper keeper or a Nightmare Before Christmas backpack, I’m probably not the target demographic for this video for Avril Lavigne’s “Alice.”  Still, I am both ridiculously stoked for Alice and Wonderland and also man enough to admit that I still have at one time had “Sk8er Boi” on my iPod, so obviously we need to discuss said music video:

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