Snaps to You, the Bravery! Your Music Video Is Totally the Craziest
December 7, 2009

I suppose it’s only natural that, when the song for which you’re making a music video is called “Hatefuck,” one should anticipate a certain level of craziness to follow.  After all, would the music video for such a song really be meeting its artistic potential if it focused on two precious ducklings in a teacup?

Of course not.  While  your music video would be indisputably adorable, you wouldn’t be capturing the darkness and erotic anxieties that a song like “Hatefuck” seeks to convey

If, however, your video looks like an Eraserhead-era Lynchian sexual nightmare in which a woman in a gas mask ties up a guy in a Mexican wrestling mask and then stabs the dude in the crotch, then your incredibly NSFW (or life.  And most certainly my mother.) and totally batshit crazy video is certainly on to  something.  After all, it’s within reason to say that watching this video is like getting hatefucked in the eyes, which is a compliment.  Because this video’s so freakin’ bonkers, y’all:

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Ranting and Raving about Captain America
July 15, 2009

–from Shmarker:

“Steve Rogers has come unstuck in time.”

Captain America Reborn 1 Alex Ross

Wait, don’t you mean Billy Pilgrim?  Or the Losties?  Mr. Brubaker, what is going on?

In March, 2007, Marvel Comics did the unthinkable, with no spoilers invading the internet until after the event happened: they killed an iconic comic book and pop-culture icon, one with almost 70 years of history.  After the events of their Civil War, Marvel Comics did the ballsy thing and continued with their political allegories masquerading as “funny pages”; they made an overt political statement by killing the embodiment of “America” as a character.  2007 marked the beginning of the final stretch of a controversial presidency, and Steve Rogers acted as Marvel’s reaction.  To Marvel Comics, the notion of America was dead.

There was no hype, like when Superman “died” at the hands of Doomsday or the banner running across Batman titles, telegraphing that he would be “RIP” (but HE’S unstuck in time, too!  However, he’s just in a prehistoric cave.  He’s not shifting in time).

captain-america-reborn-ap-marvel-comics

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Hot Dogs: The Most Important Component of Independence Day
July 4, 2009

I’m as serious as a hot-dog-binge-induced heart attack, y’all.  Hot dogs, those decadent poor-man’s sausages comprised of animal parts that I refuse to consider because I’d rather not have to ever have to acknowledge that I find processed pig anus to be painfully delicious, are totally where it’s at:

HotDogMustard

Mmmm, I’m already hungry for six of those bad boys.  Maybe it’s the way the ketchup and mustard and pickle relish and onions mingle with the piping hot juiciness of the frank and the doughy goodness of the bun.  Maybe I’m just going into withdrawal as I’ve realized that the wedding I’m going to tonight probably will be too classy to serve hot dogs.  Or perhaps I’ve just lost my damn mind (as usual).  Whatever the cause, right now I want hot dogs like Nomi Malone wants to dance.  And not in the innuendo way.

Don’t even try to fool yourself into believing the hamburger is a more American culinary institution.  There is nothing American about a beef patty that’s named after German city.  Clearly, assuming the hamburger is more inherently American is quite simply anti-hot-dog propaganda.  It’s falsities about frankfurters!  Don’t believe the lies!

Think about it:  All you have to do is put hot dog in one hand and a sparkler in the other and you’ll look like you were born to celebrate July 4th.  People will be like, “Damn, girl, you’s all set to celebrate our independence from British rule the alien invasion!”  Bill Pullman, America’s greatest fake President, knows exactly what I’m talking about:

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In Honor of Iowa, This Post is Extra Gay
April 4, 2009

So I’m sure that you’ve heard the excellent news by now, but seriously, y’all:

iowa-the-best2

It is always exceptional news to hear when another state recognizes that it is unconstitutional to ban gay marriage, and the fact that it’s Iowa is particularly exceptional.  You don’t really expect such a radical political change to come from the midwest.  You just expect potatoes and corn.  All of us New Yorkers should feel particularly embarrassed today for feeling like we’re such a progressive state.  Apparently it’s Iowa that’s for gay lovers.  New York’s just for smug jackasses.  Whoops!

Anyways, I decided I’d that, in honor of a little piece of history being made, I’d keep it light share a few of my favorite homo things.  First off, we have the inimitable diva, Barbara Stanwyck, in A Walk on the Wild Side.  I could bother to set this up with a little plot exposition, but where’s the fun in that?  Just know that these are the 17 greatest seconds of performance any actress has ever delivered.  EVER:

That, my friends, is not camp.  That is exquisiteness.  I like to imagine that Barbara Stanwyck’s performance is so fabulously intense and perfectly delivered that it physically hurls Capucine onto the couch with the strength of a perfectly placed bitchslap, kinda like a gay version of the Force push.  Did I just reference Star Wars?  I just said something totally gay and totally nerdy.  Two-for-one special on quips, y’all.  You’re welcome.

Equally homoriffic, yet in a completely different medium of pure fabulosity, is the music video for U2’s “Discotheque”:

A friend said these words to me after I came out during freshman year of college: “I always new that you were gay because you even liked 90s U2.”  Truer words have never been spoken.    It’s U2, drenched in a Jacques-Demy-in-neon aesthetics and extolling the virtues of the dance floor.  I’d later realize that this is what we consider high camp; at the time when I first saw this in middle school, I just knew it as awesome.  Besides Lady Gaga, this really is the gayest thing in pop culture.  And it came from four straight men!  Go figs.

But mostly, I think we need this little bit of homoness to honor these changing times:

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