This Woman at KFC Isn’t Being Rude. She Just Wants More Butter!
October 10, 2011

After the jump, we have a video of a the long lost third member of The Good Girls, who’s apparently preemptively traded in the glamorous life of global superstardom for an even more glamorous life as a British bag lady. NO! It’s woman throwing a sh*tfit at a KFC in Brighton. The crime? They won’t give her any more butter! Sacré beurre! (See what I did there?) Anyways, the language is salty, so if you happen to be at work, you probably shouldn’t be on this site pinkies out and headphones up, y’all:

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Because It’s So Good When She’s Bad, Here’s a Girl Singing “I Will Always Love You” and Freaking Out
November 4, 2010

Seeing as how I’m a self-acknowledged karaoke nightmare, I wouldn’t want to try and measure up against anybody else’s vocal prowess.  Even if they mute.  And particularly if they were Whitney Houston, circa The Bodyguard:

As such, I’m not going to say that the girl in the video after the jump is bad, per se.  I’ll just leave it at that when she does fail, she fails spectacularly.  And with liberal use of the “f*ck” bomb, so if you happen to be at work, you probably shouldn’t be on this site pinkies out and headphones up, y’all:

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Today’s (Much Belated) Fabulous Image in Cinema: Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal
July 21, 2010

When things get quiet over at this particular corner of the internet, the reality is there’s only person we have to blame, and that person is me.  The only problem with this is that I’m a blame shifter, so when things get quiet over at this particular corner of the internet (at least this time around), it’s Christopher Nolan’s fault.  Seriously, he’s the man behind Inception, and I’m merely the owner of the mind that movie melted, which mean he’s the one who committed the mind crime!  (Get it?!?)  Besides, Joseph Gordon Levitt looking positively dapper (or do I mean Draper?) in a suit and vest will muddle your brain for days like that.  Oh, and the Mad Men Fever obviously isn’t helping my crazy, either.  Anyways, we’re not here to talk about Inception (YET); we’re here to talk about Today’s (much belated) Fabulous Image in Cinema, and Today’s (much belated) Fabulous Image in Cinema is from Notes on a Scandal, so let’s talk about it.

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Today’s Fabulous Image in Cinema: Veronica Cartwright in Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
July 14, 2010

There are plenty of actresses out there who deliver perfectly serviceable freaking-the-f*ck-out FACE, but I will forever stand by the notion that Veronica Cartwright had a hot moment in the late ’70s where–between Ridley Scott’s Alien and Philip Kaufman’s superlative remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers–she made it her business to lose her shit on a completely different level.  I mean, have you seen her in Invasion of the Body Snatchers?  Frightened Veronica Cartwright and bugnuts hysteric Veronica Cartwright are basically the same thing, which simply goes to show how much she COMMITS.  Seriously, a long-standing appreciation of scream queens has taught me that there’s many a way to portray fear on film, but nobody else does it with quite the same panache as Veronica Cartwright.

And as usual, don’t hesitate to click to enlarge and appreciate the fabulousness of it all.

Joan Crawford Knows Kung Fu
February 2, 2010

Sure, technically it’s Judo, not Kung Fu, but let’s focus on what’s important in this video, and what’s important is that this is from a movie that stars Joan Crawford as a mental hospital’s head nurse who teaches Judo to the other nurses so they may use it against the ward’s patients.  And even moreso?  This movie exists, and its poster is fabulous:

Sweet mercy!  I’m happy enough that The Caretakers features Evil Nurse Joan Crawford with karate-chop action.  I mean, Joan Crawford performances are like Pokemon toys for gay men: you gotta catch ’em all!  But then I’m confronted with all these images female hysteria in the poster, and I get so overwhelmed, and all of a sudden I’m out in the streets making a scene.  Sorta like Polly Bergen in The Caretakers:  

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Chloe Will Be One of My Favorite Movies of 2010 Because Duh
January 14, 2010

I need this movie to be here yesterday:

It’s not about the poster, which is basically just Amanda Seyfried giving FACE, and we all know how I feel about Amanda Seyfried, so it’s great, but I digress.  

No no, I can’t wait for Chloe because it looks like it’s going to be this year’s Obsessed (and we all know how I feel about Obsessed), but this time it’s starring Julianne Moore and gunning for a hard R-rating, so it looks even better than Obsessed, but I digress.  

My point is you need to watch the trailer because SPOILER ALERT it’s bonkers:

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Since We Live in a Busy World, Here’s Changeling in 56 Seconds
November 19, 2009

Admittedly, there are certain differences between Clint Eastwood’s Changeling, starring Angelina Jolie, and the following YouTube video I stumbled upon.  For example, Angelina Jolie didn’t have a long-haired fright wig in the movie.  No no, she sported a fashionable 1930s bob:

Added to that, given that Changeling was a period piece, Angelina Jolie never wore hoodies or Billabong shirts, though sometimes she did wear this hat that I want:

Everything else about this video, however, is spot on:

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This Week in Irresponsible Mad Men Recaps: Where’s My Betty Draper Hysterics?
October 20, 2009

Responsible Mad Men recapping blogs probably try and follow the narrative arch of the episode, and they’d probably delve a little more into the fact that Sterling Cooper is once again up for sale, which makes Lane Pryce sad and his wife very happy.  I am not that blog.  Now let’s do this thing irresponsible style!

So Paul Kinsey was intimidated by Peggy and her keen improvisational skills, and then he got too drunk while working on his Western Union account.  This taught us all the important lesson that you should always write down the brilliant ideas that you have when you’re drunk so you don’t forget them.  If he had written it down, we’d have instead learned the equally important lesson that the brilliant ideas that you have when you’re drunk are never as brilliant in the sober light of day, but that’s neither here nor there.  Anyways, Peggy fortunately used his screw up to save him, and I was I left baffled that telegrams were something people still actually used in 1963.  Also, maybe it’s just me and my love of all things of questionable taste, but Aquanet is doing wonders to Peggy’s hair.  

In other plot lines, Don’s relationship with Suzanne Farrell unfortunately continues to happen:

don draper suzanne farrell do not want

I find this plot to be like the narrative version of Ipecaca, and I blame this largely on the fact that Ms. Farrell hasn’t once seemed interesting enough to warrant such of devotion.  A scene with a Maypole, a drunk dial, and a few lines of straight up crazy is all it takes to have Don Draper all up in your lady business in a serious sort of way?  I’m deeply unimpressed with the both of them.  And the fact that the writers continue this charade.

The lone silver lining to their bumping uglies, though, came in the form of Suzanne’s epileptic brother, Danny, who was helped by Don to do what else?  Pull a Don Draper.  That’s just him being philanthropic by sharing his secret to happiness and success: it comes from running away from the unpleasant parts of your identity.  Or, in Don’s case, all of it.  You may be constantly haunted by your past and incapable of genuine human intimacy, but at least you’ll get signing bonuses and shiny awards at the fortieth anniversary Sterling Cooper parties.  Fair trade, I’d say.

And speaking of fortieth anniversary Sterling Cooper parties, Trudy Campbell’s party ensemble was some kind of wonderful:

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2012 Just Keeps Looking Better and Better
October 4, 2009

Perhaps I’m slowly losing my few remaining marbles on account of my feverish anticipation for 2012 (currently 103° of PURE EXCITEMENT*), but this poster is destroying me like Mayan-calendar-predicted global-scale apocalyptic disasters destroy giant statues of Jesus Christ:

2012_poster

This poster is so brilliant that I just can’t deal with it, let alone articulate why I can’t deal with it, but let’s still try.

A part of me just thinks it’s a spectacular and clever image.  It evokes the Jesus-Saves/God-Is-Dead dichotomy central to the spiritual/existential anxieties that surround doomsday scenarios.  You can’t tell if 2012 will be popcorn nihilism or a blockbuster call to repent.  Sure, it’s a Roland Emmerich film, so it’s probably best not to think too hard about these topics for fear of giving yourself a brain aneurism, but I’m happy 2012 has a teaser poster that offers such a fun little intellectual exercise for us film nerds.  It’s kinda like a pop-quiz, except one that makes you want to buy movie tickets in the process.

Of course, there’s also the part of me that loves this poster for hyping 2012 as straight-up disaster porn.  Sure, this movie stars John Cusack and Amanda Peet and Oliver Platt and a Space Ark, but sometimes it’s better to just bank on images of stylized destruction over big name stars.  After all, Space Ark–like Megan Fox–has yet to prove herself to be a box office draw.  This poster is completely over the top, and I love it for that much like I love this clip from the movie:

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Don’t Judge Me.
September 16, 2009

There’s a well known saying that goes “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em; and if you tend to share similar interests with legions of teenage girls, don’t even try and front.”  Truer words have probably never been spoken, and so it is with a deep shame that I admit the following: 

new moon excitement

I know I’ve previously acknowledged that I’m Twicurious to see the movie as an anthropological expedition of sorts, and I’d love to continue to feign such ironic detachment all the way ’til the much ballyhooed Apocalypse of 2012, but there are some forces that are simply too powerful to deny.  And apparently those forces involve  Kristen Stewart’s hysterics, abs, and Dakota Fanning:

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¡Pelea de Gatos!
July 29, 2009

If years of watching trash television and camp sensibility have taught me one thing about catfights, it’s this:

dynasty cat fight delightful

Really, nothing makes my heart go pitter patter as I’m thrust into a giggle fit quite like the sight of two women engaged in a ladylike bought of Mortal Kombat.  Whether it involves fistfuls of hair or a mannequin arm beating, your day is guaranteed to never be less than 110% classy when a catfight is involved.  Everything, save for Mad Men (which is perfect, duh), can be improved by a catfight.  So how do you improve on perfection?  Two words: The Gays.

Fortunately, we have the following video, which I’ve been unable to stop watching since I came across it yesterday.  It’s two gay men screaming, slapping, and threatening each other with a flip-flop.  They’re fighting about…something, but it’s never explained, and that only adds to the more-compelling-than-a-train-wreck nature of this video.  Oh, and did I mention it’s all in Spanish?  I’m basically trying to tell you that it’s the apex of batshit craziness en Español, and you absolutely need to see this mess for yourself:

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So Orphan Is Pretty Much the Best Movie. Ever.
July 27, 2009

I’m not even joking, y’all.  If you haven’t already seen the instant camp/cult classic that is Orphan yet, you know what you have to do:

go see orphan

Seriously, this completely insane movie still should be reason enough for you to suddenly feign illness and catch the earliest possible showing.  This is a movie that uses a black-lit aquarium as a plot device!  And when you see what said black-lit aquarium reveals, the absolute batshit insanity of it all will make your head explode.  Twice.  And that’s just tip of the crazy iceberg.  

It has been ages and ages since we’ve seen anything so unrepentant in its ridiculousness.  Orphan has a go-for-broke, let-us-shock-the-shit-out-of-you zeal that is truly inspired.  It’s so ridiculous that it needs to come with protective glasses that keep your eyeballs from rolling out of your skull.  It’s incredibly well made, genuinely creepy, and–to be completely frank–in the worst possible taste imaginable.  And it’s so over-the-top in its bad taste that you can’t really fault it for arguably being total garbage.  I’d like to be more articulate, but I’m honestly still trying to digest it.  Having your head explode 37 separate times during a movie tends to do that to you.  That, and you really can’t discuss Orphan‘s sublime pleasures without spoiling the living hell out of it.

Still, allow me to tantalize you with the following decontextualized phrases:

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Internet Spoilers: 1, Orphan Ad Campaign: A Bajillion
July 8, 2009

Well, if this internet commenter’s supposed spoiler is to be revealed, lil’ oprhan Esther’s secret is out of the bag, and it’s even more batshit insane than I could’ve ever anticipated.  I won’t explicitly discuss the details, but I’ll say this: It’s honestly such an impressively thought-out, completely out-of-nowhere sort of twist that I believe it.  And want to see this movie immediately so I can confirm its validity.  Not since the phrase “non-religious identical twin stigmata” has an ending scaled such heights of so-bad-it’s-brilliant absurdity.   Seriously, y’all, it’s so damn trashtastically awful that it’s pretty much seals the deal: Orphan is destined for of camp/cult/bad horror movie greatness.  

On one hand, if it’s true, I’ll be terribly disappointed to not have such a wonderfully gonzo revelation dropped in my lap in the final moments of the film.  But on the other hand:

orphan secret

No, poster, obviously the interwebs cannot keep a secret.  In the age of the internet, nobody can keep their trap shut to save their damn life, and it’s a rather brilliant move on the part of Orphan‘s marketing campaign to sell a film all around a climactic narrative reveal in a time where spoilers are all but anticipated.  When you think about it, it’s a clever spin on an old advertising tradition. (more…)

Orphan‘s Marketing Campaign Ages Like Fine Cheese
June 15, 2009

Some months back, I randomly stumbled upon the totally ridiculous looking trailer for Orphan,and I immediately began to wonder what the hell her secret is.  Of course, I’m equally curious as to why Vera Farmiga keeps getting saddled with Bad Seed rip-offs, and I’d love to know why Peter Sarsgaard said yes to this mess, but none of these questions can distract me from the most important fact that this movie looks ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT INSANE, and so I naturally can’t wait.  The latest TV spot is just a 30-second taste of the crazy, but–like a good cheese–things are looking ever more delicious as time goes by:

I first thought this looked more like trashy camp, and I still get tingly whenever I see Vera’s hysterics, and there’s apparently a scene where a car is driven into there house (totally awesome, but also huh?), but I’m beginning to think this movie looks to be both completely ridiculous and creepy as hell.  There’s something about the way that girl puts her homicidal bitchface on with such aplomb.  Seriously, when I see that final shot, I don’t know whether to giggle with camp glee or piss myself in terror.  After taking a good look at the poster, though, I’ve gotta go with the latter:

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The Day of the Locust is Unmitigated Insanity of the Highest Sort
May 4, 2009

It’s no secret that I’ve a penchant for movies that movies that are curious and over the top.  I’m an ardent obsessive of camp, and I revel in movies that flaunt their mad visions and embrace their craziest whims.  I love the movies that have never said “no” to a bad idea or considered that they might be crossing a line.  Hell, I’ve practically made it my quest to mine the coal of film’s expansive history in order to find the most glittering diamonds of batshit insanity.  Well, ladies and gentleman, I’ve already found what may the Hope Diamond of this journey.  I give you The Day of the Locust, a movie somehow far stranger than this surreal, French poster for the film:

rr_0008day-of-the-locust-posters

 

Oh, and it’s infinitely more garish than the America poster would imply:

day_of_the_locust

Still unconvinced?  Let me just give you a taste of the craze.  Let’s go watch aspiring starlet Faye Greener (Karen Black) get in a fight with her sickly father (Burgess Meredith):

I don’t know whether to laugh at the garish campiness of the performances or have nightmares for the rest of my life, but it’s captivatingly bizarre no matter your reaction, and believe me when I say that this scene is merely the tip of iceberge that is John Schlessinger’s epic, gonzo vision of Hollywood as the festering epicenter of failed dreams and a society in rapid decline.  There’s also (for example, yet impressively enough not limited to) the sublimely grotesque yet perversely compelling pleasures of Burgess Meredith’s heart attack at Donald Sutherland’s house, the church scene, Karen Black doing tequila shots (itself one of the profoundly ridiculous moments in cinema), and the cock fighting scene.  Seriously, I don’t know why you’d even bother finishing this reviews before putting it at the top of your Netflix queue.  Trust me.

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If This Movie Gets Made, I’ll Combust into Rainbows and Glitter
March 23, 2009

I usually attempt to avoid Hollywood gossip as it tends to be tons of speculation and rumor mongering and only so frequently comes to fruition, but when I read this on Celebitchy, I had a moment.  A really shrill, shrieky moment of unabashed homo glee.  Ears bled. Dogs barked.  It was no good, so I worry for the world about what would happen if this news turned out to be more than just someone passing off their own two-cents on casting a Judy Garland biopic.  But, according to the Daily Mail:

Hollywood starlet Anne Hathaway is in talks to play her movie idol Judy Garland in an upcoming film based on Gerald Clarke’s biography, Get Happy: The Life of Judy Garland.

The 26-year-old actress is so desperate to appear in the movie – which charts Judy’s rise to fame and her struggle with drink and drugs – that she may have to sacrifice other projects, which include a lead role in a comedy called The Fiance.

THIS ABSOLUTELY MUST HAPPEN.  MAKE IT HAPPEN, HOLLYWOOD!  See!  I lose all control when I begin to this about the possibility of this rumor coming to fruition.

I mean, you need only watch this clip to recognize the incredibly obvious fact that Judy Garland is one fierce lady.  Seriously, watch this fierceness:

Fierce.  Fact number 765 about the homosexual community: we loooove hysterics, and those are some perfectly executed hysterics.  Now you know why the gays love her.

Also, anybody that’s watched Rachel Getting Married knows that Anne Hathaway has some serious acting chops.  Oh, and she can sing damn well:

Between the champagne-effervescence of her charm and the fact that she did self-destructive so well in Rachel Getting Married, casting her as Judy Garland is the duh of the century.  Hell, make it more than a movie.  Make it a ten-hour miniseries.  I will watch it all.  There’s no way it’d be anything less than fabulous.

Now watch this rumor turns out to be completely false and instead they cast Malin Akerman, because that’s just my (bad) luck.  Though if they use that as an opportunity to cast Carla Gugino as drunky Garland, then I just might get on board…

Let’s All Guess Esther’s Secret
March 19, 2009

While I was perusing the interweb this afternoon, I stumbled upon the trailer for an upcoming horror movie called Orphan.  It stars Peter Sarsgaard (yum) and Fiona Apple Vera Farmiga (who incidentally was also Joshua, another evil kid movie), and it looks like a riot.  I mean, this is the trailer:

Roh-no!  There’s something wrong with Esther, a secret that you’ll NEVER GUESS.  If that’s a challenge, then I accept, trailer.  Let’s all take a guess at what Esther’s secret is (be sure to leave yours in the comments section).  I’ll go first.  I think Esther’s possibly:

  1. A vampire.  That choker on her neck has me totally suspicious.
  2. The antichrist.  They never have birth records and are pure, unmitigated evil.  Just go watch The Omen (not the remake, the original, le duh).  
  3. An Eastern European demon/ghost/monster disguised as a girl.  Seriously, her accent is ridiculous.
  4. A robot girl that got switched to “Kill” mode.  

This movie may look like an uninspired rip-off of every Bad Seed-esque movie ever made, but I really want to see it now.  I have to know her secret.  That tag line is like a cruel taunt.  At least there’s plenty of juicy moments of hysteria (everybody is just freaking out in this movie!  EVERYBODY!) and evil kid cliches to keep the camp factor at (the very least) a solid 7.5.  Excellent.

Also, I think we can all agree: that one girl totally had that shove from the playground coming.  Jokes that are that cliched are inappropriate at any age.

UPDATE (7/8/09): Esther’s secret seems to have spoiled its way onto the internet.  Thoughts on its validity can be found here; the alleged twist in its its original comment form can be found here.

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